Shh
I promise this wont hurt one bit
There isn’t much time left
Don’t waste it on words
Breath me in
When it hurts the most
When you really miss me
Breath me in
Get high on the memories
Feel them grip your mind
Wash over you like water
Take hold of you
Turn you numb
Breath me out
When your ready to let go

I wanted to stay home today
Take it easy
Cook in the candle light
Clean with the music on
Paint what the mind want
He wouldn’t hear it
Picked up my satchel
Dragged me by the hand
To a fair
Blazing heat
Naked shoulders
Tousled hair
Incense
I took it all in
The air smelled funny
The people looked so happy
I sniffed the drink I was holding
I lost him in the crowd
But I wasn’t worried
I found him at a kiosk
Chatting up a sticky looking thing
She had wispy hair and questionable taste in clothes
Looked so out of place
She handed him a flower
He dropped a coin in her palm
I waited till he came to me
This is for you
Looks weird but she said it will bring change your life
It will give you all the things you want the most
I laughed
Didn’t believe in all that *******
The ugly translucent thing would be just sitting on the mantle
He kissed my fingers
Even that felt off
Dropped the flower into my bag
I was ready to go home and shower
He didn’t stay the night
He left the flower by the window
It rained heavily
He got lost in the rain
His mangled body never came to me
I didn’t believe it
I didn’t talk to anyone for the next 30 days
I painted till my fingers bled
Scrubbed away till I felt clean
Drank till I saw stars
My mother called with bad news
The cat had passed on
In a pool of her own blood
I didn’t ask any questions
I showered
Let the water run till I felt pruny
Didn’t hear the bell ring
Didn’t hear the pistol fire
Didn’t Care
I toweled off and sat in front of the fridge
Eating everything in sight
Clawing into the food
It all tasted salty
The lights went out
I am alone now
I feel weird

Do you still love him she asked?
Yes my mind screamed
I could not meet her eyes
So I stared into my food
Toying with it
Carving your name in it
Can you forget him she pressed on sipping on coffee
I secretly wished it would scald her tongue
No I cant
The more I try to forget
The more I remember
Was it because I still loved you
Or was it because of the mistakes I made
Unintentionally
Unstable
Had no ground to stand on
Mistakes I cant undo
Mistakes I cant fix
Mistakes I cant walk away from
I still carry the weight of them
Heavy from guilt pain and confusion
Its caged up in my chest
But some day that will break
Skin and brittle bones are not enough to hold everything in
I sleep with the pain
Wake up to it
Tried to embrace it with words of wisdom
Smother it with distractions
Heal it with time
But everything failed
The cage will break
Everything will come
But will I find peace in the end?

Those who leave you
For whatever reason
Are actually doing you a favour
In the long run
I often think about that
Did it help you?
Did you achieve all that you wanted to?
Did you win the hearts of your loved ones again?
Did you get to forgiveness?
Promise to be good again
Follow the rules
Forsake your happiness for others
Learn how to smile
Through the pain
Build new dreams from the ashes of the old ones
Smile at the sun
Play in the rain
Welcome change
Vow to never live in the past again
Can it all be done because of will power and strength
Or is everything just a mirage
Do you go back to being being broken at night
Relive every nightware
Wake up to déjà vu
Wish that you have never met her
Curse scream and yell
Tell yourself that it’ll all be over soon
By ingesting the last pill
Snorting another line
Pulling the trigger
Tightening the noose
Cuz you know that is the only way you will ever see her again

The thought of spending another day with you  brings out the clouds faster then anything
Looking at the little things you do
That was once very cute
Is rewarded with an eye roll or extra loud sigh
Talking to you about this and that makes me feel queasy
Engaging in conversation with you is like talking with something lodged in the throat
I can hardly get the words out
you can never find anything to talk about
always have to think
There are too many pauses in the conversation
crickets and grasshoppers do nothing to hide the awkwardness I feel when I have to be around you
Getting you to spend time with me is frustrating
I feel like I have to beg
All the **** time
Can we go out
Can we talk for 5 minutes
Can you bring this
Can you buy that
I would like that please
Your so good at following the rules
Your so obedient
Agree to everything
Never speak your mind
When you finally do you talk without emotion
Without feeling and passion
when did a relationship have so many rules
so many strings
Some things just happen on their own
It shouldn’t be forced
It shouldn’t be begged for
But that’s all I find myself doing when I am with you
Shouldn’t you take some things upon yourself
Plan things on your own
for me
for you
you bark out orders
I give orders
I have to pick and choose
sadly enough
you feel obligated to do things
I am forced to feel
What will happen
When I cant feel anymore?

You see them in movies
Read about them in books
I believe in them
But I wish I had given you one
Maybe it would helped me think with my heart one last time
Maybe that would have prompted you to change
See all the things I tried to show you
Tell you all the things I wanted you to know
I couldn't in the end
I broke instead
Your mind shattered into a million pieces
Mine became numb
Time passed
Days were spent in trying to pick up all the scrambled pieces of our hearts
Nights were spent in solitude trying to make sense of flashbacks, unkind words, and loneliness
The memories remained frozen
Time could not heal everything
it helped us grow
see past our mistakes
make amends to be a better person
to someone else
I have changed
I imagine you have too
Leading a different life
With a new set of thoughts
While the heart still bleeds
For the past
For you

It’s a old one
I cant get rid of it
I always break one rule or another
I tune out words of wisdom
No room for advice either
Its been on my brain for a very long time
Too far
But I want to get closer
I want to see it
I want to touch it
The intoxication
Let it take hold of me
Get drenched in it
I want to stop reading between the lines
Stop watching out for the signs
I want to get closer
Press my lips against it
Wear it on my skin
I want to forget that it hurts
© 2 months ago, Farzana Habib

It doesn’t matter how much love I give you
How much time I spend with you
The experience that will be gained
Wont matter
The lessons that will be taught in return
Wont matter
Someone else will come along to hurt you
I can tell you about that day
Warn you in advance
But I know you wont heed to my words
or remember much
It will be many years from now
Black will turn to grey
Words will no longer suffice
Rules will break
Expectations will become of great importance
Dreams will be born
Feelings will blossom
But how can I save you from the hurt
Save you from the tears that will spill
The promises that will break
Pain that will spread like wild fire
It will play with your mind
Rob you of sleep and common sense
It will provide you with momentary comfort
At the same time fill you with unease
It brings both joy and grief
It is what gives life colour and purpose
But can also make it seem hollow at the same time
Sometimes it gives life
Sometimes it takes it away

Make a mistake once and we call it an error
it shouldn't happen again
make the same mistake more then once we see it as a choice
repeat the mistake day after day I call it a crime
the empty promises of change
a crime between You and I
its perfect in a way because no one can see it
there are no visible marks
no questions to ask either
I feel it while you choose to ignore it
even worse you minimize it
I deal with the doubt, anxiety and overall discomfort
you do nothing
no wait
you throw yourself into work and play
while the ugliness of the crime plays in my head
everything bounces off one wall to another
then back again till my head aches
I swallow the words and foul atmosphere with water wine and other murky looking liquids
you continue to keep yourself busy with other peoples drama
paying no attention to what is happening to us
the marks remain invisible
but the emotions stew
It boils in the morning
simmers down by the evening
burns at night
you change sometimes too
you let yourself get provoked
you let the peoples words ***** you
then let it sit while they sculpt your brain
with clever words and experienced hands
this is how it is everyday
you only make a sound once the words have festered
into great big open wounds
it has always been my job to make it stop hurting
make you feel clean and brand new
while I feel old tired and worn out

Did not know it was written for us
Forgot a word somewhere
Misread the signs
The potions bubbled over
Did not see it in the stars
The cards were all wrong
Or maybe one was missing
The leaves must have been of the wrong kind
Scry till my hands hurt
Chanted till light turned to darkness
chased away the morning sun
Only to invite the night
Frozen with pain
Thought it would help
The wind howled
The windows rattled
Glass broke
Lights flickered
The phone never rang
The door did not open with a bang
You really are gone

Was it good intentions
That brought you into my life
Was it desire
That led me to you
Was it passion
That turned us into one
Was it fate
That separated me from you
Is it pain
That makes me remember you
Is it love
That makes me still yearn for you

hers smells like flowers
his smells like rain
baby soft
porcelain
pink
scared
bruised
tanned
so much is used
so much is needed
a 100 things to buy
to make it look perfect
to win people over
to make it to the top
to survive at work
to pay for the bills
for the next fix
too much exposure
that is a problem
rough night
find the right shade for cover up
covered up entirely?
Everyone wants to know why
By choice
Because of a trend
To be safe
No one is happy still
Airbrushed
Paint
Glitter
All aesthetically pleasing to the eye
Bare
when no one is watching
When there is nothing to suspect
No supervision
Suddenly stained
But no way to hide it
The stains stay
No one is spared

I remember the way
A long path
cold stone walls
old candles
some burn bright
others flicker
like one last kiss
will this be the last time
after dark
underground
perfectly cloaked
dead roses and desire
you are perfectly still
I wonder what your eyes see
I cant bring myself to close them
Is your soul floating about
Looking for answers
Avenging the poor?
Or waiting for me
Your hands are cold
Lips are still warm
or am I just imagining things
perfect
even in death

He takes orders
Just not from women
I think
His momma does not count
She is a witch
He does not listen
Trust me, it is not because of the language barrier
He does not care about the hurt
Where it spreads
Who it infects
Things break
He turns a blind eye
Brushes everything off
Sweeps what he does not want the others too see
Under a big rug
A big ugly thing
Been there for ages
And no one is going to change it
He does not care what gets destroyed
He is not big on feelings
All the positive ones
I cannot see them anymore
The bad one always remain
Pain
Anger
Hatred
Bitterness
Selfishness
Arrogance
Self doubt
Pity
There is no end
I am forever wiping things off
Every day
But disinfectant is not going to do it anymore
There is no way to get to his heart

Walking to the left
Running to the right
Standing but still confused
Sitting down and frustrated
Counting sheep is annoying
Swishing
Slurping
But it wont go down
8 hours every night?
Am I really resting
Or just wasting more energy
Navigating through one dream after another
Asking questions
Looking for solutions
Trying to fix what is ugly
What needs to go
Trying to go back to an older self
one that was younger
In sprit
Smiled just because
Didn’t give a **** about the others
Stayed away from trouble
Didn’t let anyone get too close
Didn’t have to turn to cold dark corners
Just to save herself
From breaking
Its just tiring
All of it
Weather my eyes are open
Or closed

Forgive him the heart screams
let him suffer smirks
the brain
All you need is a break the body moans
watch him walk away giggle the eyes
he needs to figure this out for himself the mouth whispers
Its all a mess
too many voices
to many parts
not sure who to listen to
not sure who to ignore
why am I like this

all the answers to a test
you only have to pay attention
you only have to listen
I know you have it in you
the rest will carry itself out with time
you cant even be bothered to do that
you do what you know best
listening for the sounds of chirping birds
sound of the wind
sipping on coffee and cracking bubblegum
while I drone on and on
your not listening but I still try
Hope made me do it
I hate her
you flunk repeatedly
complain over and over again
when the answers are right in front of you
I can shake you
I can rattle you
but you wont break
your already broken
I am only starting to realize this now

there lies a sea full of hatred and mistrust between us
you cannot even swim

She looks like a vision
Wispy blond hair
Kohl lined eyes
Red stained lips
Signature beauty mark right above the lip
She is still
There is no friendly chatter this morning
No baked goods
Silly jokes
She is still
She has a smile on
But something feels off
I know my job is to take pictures
But I can sense unease
She blows something invisible out of the way
Strikes one pose after the other
A smile here
a tiny laugh there
Graceful in a black off the shoulder gown
Bare back
Fingers gripping material
She smiles at me
But all I can see is sadness
A woman suffering from indescribable anguish
She is too proud to talk about her worries
But I can see that she is breaking through the lens

Well this is something
The lights are quite bright but they don’t hurt my eyes
I don’t think any one here can tell that I have been crying over you
I decided on bangs
A Maroon cocktail dress
silver heels
Left my phone at home and skipped the clutch
Just wearing a smile
I hope there is some life left in my eyes
Who is there to call now?
No one there to welcome me home after a cold night
The food is agreeable
At least my friends look happy
Talking
Laughing
Cozying up to smiling strangers
Non threatening strangers
I want to sit down
But I am afraid ill have to start talking again
Fake interest in who knows what
No I think I am ok here
Sitting by fire
With the cat by my feet
The fire isn’t hot enough to thaw out my heart tonight
But I can always strike up a conversation with the cabbie on the way home

How easy it must have been for you to fall again
Fall in love
Were you ready for it or just looking for a replacement?
Something to numb pain
Something to give you the strength to walk again
Repair what broke
I hope it worked out in the end
I hope she was able to stop the hurt
I hope she was able to bring back the smile on your face
I hope she was able to fill your eyes with new dreams
I hope she was able to fill your heart with hope
I hope she walks beside you in everything that you do
I hope she never lets you down like I did

The day was a good one
The sun was out
The cold didn’t bother me one bit
No one got in the way
I didn’t flinch at the sight of two people talking
Talking about dreams and no doubt planning a future together
He had his hands in hers
Looked at her so intently
I almost choked up at the sight
I forgot what I was thinking about
It made me long for you
There was a time when you looked me that way
Under the stars
In the company of crickets and fireflies
We talked
We pouted and fought
We laughed
We always looked forward tomorrow
Until they ran out
The stars are still there
The crickets come out
But the fireflies left a long time ago

I will continue to move on
It’s all I can do
I still cant forget you
I don’t think I ever will
I am not sure why that is
Anger has melted away
Hate has turned into honey
Sadness and grief still haunt me
Loss and regret walk beside me
Every single day
Wherever I go
Whatever state I may be in
The grip gets stronger with time
I can cope with the marks they leave behind
I can cope with feelings of suffocation and unhappiness
I can cope with the memories
But how do I free my self from the pain
Of you not being here
Of you never coming back
of us never crossing paths again

I don’t know how I feel about you
Even though I can see your eyes pleading me to say the magic words
“ Its ok”
“ I forgive you”
“ I don’t mind at all”
Well not tonight
I would normally feel weird if I don’t talk to you for a long time
But not tonight
You take step towards forward
I can smell the flowers from here but I will probably just give them away to the nice woman a few apartments away from ours
A smiley faced nurse with a veteran husband
She will probably appreciate the pink peonies and purple bellflowers more then me
You smell nice and it looks like you ironed your own things
Well I refuse to budge
I don’t really want to go upstairs put on spandex and sit through a miserable meal of cheese fondue, creamed spinach, beef roulade and potatoes and pie a la mode
Watch with disinterest as you charmed your friends wife
Endure a long ride in the quiet woods
swat off your clumsy attempts at making up
step out of pointy
wipe off fakery and put up with heartburn and gas for the entire night
Nope
So here are your keys and there's the door
Now into the kitchen for creamy chocolate profiteroles and pink bubbles

Sounds

There is so much noise in this house
The cat is purring
The speaking is speaking in French
The washer swishes and swirls
The dryer tumbles
The heater hums
The dishwasher sloshes about
The blender whirls
The oven just tinged
The phone continues to beep and buzz
The computer loads
The shredder shreds
The printer has stopped
It is never quiet in here
Even though it is just mittens and I
The only sound my ears want to pick up on is the sound of the front door unlocking
Your voice ringing through this small house
how I have missed the sound of your voice

I am ashamed of these tears
I continue to make mistakes
I continue to not understand
I learn things the hard away
I try to love you in my own way
Its messy
It doesn’t always make sense
It can be loud and obnoxious
Sometimes even annoying
The last few days were hard
I was tough on you
Only because I saw potential
Only because I was trying to spare you from a type of pain
But when I try to help
You push me away
You scowl
You frown
You feel pressured
I cant help someone who thinks he doesn’t need any help
He thinks that everything will always just fall into place
I cane make you see that your wrong
You cant even dream of being wrong because of pride ego and tradition
You always need to be right!
I cant bring myself to apologize now
I feel small for trying to do the right thing
You wont even acknowledge me
I know I am not like you
I know we are both different
But sometimes I feel like I don’t even know you
I don’t know where we are going
I don’t know how this will end

Another day has just passed
Without a word between us
What is there to say?
There is no wall in the world strong enough to shield me from your words
Dipped in venom
Thrown around in great haste
You don’t mean it I think from time to time
But I also believe that men tell the truth when they are angry, intoxicated or plain exhausted
So which one was it yesterday?
I couldn’t smell the alcohol in your breath
Taste the sourness in your kiss
See fire in your eyes
I should be used to it by now
But I’m not
I should not be surprised by any of the things you say or do
I allow myself to get shocked
Sometimes by an unexpected act of kindness
A full minute of remorse
Or that playful smile
All of it gets swept away and forgotten once you get angry again
Is it me?
Do you see her in me?
Are there things that you wish you could have told her but couldn’t?
why do you feel the need to project all that anger, hatred and bitterness?
I can’t fix what is broken
I won’t allow myself to break either

Is it a problem that I sometimes can't stand people
being around them
Having always been a social person i parents do not quite understand this
they mutter to themselves, roll there eyes at me and sometimes even look at the ceiling
I cannot quite explain this but i do understand when it all started
I am OK with being this version of me
Do not get me wrong
I am not evil nor demented in anyway
I care
I help
I sympathize
But sometimes I shut down too
from the chatter of too many people in a room
too many around me
The noise
the lights
the looks
it all becomes to much sometimes
I don't care what they say about me and my so called eccentric behavior
I care more about what i think about myself
I go to sleep with my own problems i am constantly working on myself
how to remain calm in unforgiving situations
how to exert discipline when things feel overwhelming
how to stay positive but also realistic when i feel like giving up
how to avoid useless chatter toxic people and bad vibes
I prefer my own company over others
like to spend time on my own
i cant say what i am trying to avoid by doing so
Disappointment
heartbreak
or compensation for lost time
given to those who really didn't deserve it in the first place because they did not bother to stick around when I needed someone

Seventeen

Ok I am going to take a second stab at this
Taking the time to write out my feelings
My folks don't listen
Dad ignores me most of the time after coming home from working at the mill
Mom shuts me down every chance she gets and she is right no matter what
That's how this household runs
God help anyone who disagrees with her
***** no longer stays here anymore she dropped out of college and found a permanent 9-5 job at the bank
Also met a man who wears steel toed boots and smells like licorice all the time
I have only met him twice
The first she brought him over to the house
Mama was wearing a black and white polka dot dress with too much hairspray in her hair that day
Dad had an extra glass on wine that evening
But I was happy for her
She was just as miserable as me when she lived in this 75 year old house
I don't think my grandparents haunt this place
I am just 17 and still in high school
Unsure of what I would like to do next
I had to put on jasper down last week cuz dad said he was getting to expensive to keep
I miss him but I wont tell anyone else that
The way he would sleep by the corner of a bed
Had a thing for beef jerky and loved chasing a soccer ball for some odd reason
I will be turning 18 next month
I will be able to vote
Stay up late
I don't like going out much and work
I feel like I am too old for an allowance
I do help around the house and work on smallish electronics that have seen better days for the people around here  
No intentions of getting a girlfriend though
I just want to get out here
Once I turn 18 I bet dad will take me seriously
Show me how to drive
We can out together over the weekend
And hang out with the boys
Mom might just leave me alone more and find something to do
I can see the fine lines
That expensive makeup but that sally sells from door to door aint doing much for her
You cant hide a bad night at the ER or expect someone who works with the injured to look so great everyday
Hmm what else…
I like writing essays and sci-books
Not much of a tv watcher but I like talking pictures of the world
Anything that has to do with airplanes, trains and boats is cool too
I am saving up for a model airplane
I want it before Christmas comes around
Well then I have written down everything that needs to be said
Maybe I will do this again some other time
The shrink said I would feel something after writing
But what
I just feel restless

The weather outside mimics
my feelings inside
Its cold, dark, and wet
raining nonstop for the last 24 hours
every time I look to the window it is something new
a couple of drops here and there
a slight drizzle which wets the hair and the tips of our noses
progresses to aggressive heavy rain that makes its presence known by constantly tapping on glass windows and slapping the pavement
from there its chaos
something out a movie
heavy wind
grey skies
mad sprays of water everywhere
you can only pray that you have on the right shoes and don't slip
don't become victim to the mess of ***** colored leaves flying about and attacking those shoes
All this rain
isn't good for my joints
every ache and pain translates to words that I have long become accustomed to
this bad weather has me becoming nastier by the hour
All I can feel right now are hot waves of crushing anger
the type of rage that warms up the body
makes it impossible to look at you with kind eyes
every word that comes out my mouth feels like bullets
one after the other
there is no compassion in my voice today
there is no time to catch my breath either
just a flurry of words
no tears
then complete silence
what you have been wanting
for the longest time
there is no coming back from this
so watch your step

I keep missing you
sometimes by a few miserable seconds
then a day
to a week
many months
and what seems like an eternity
Am I the one who is too afraid to get stung, burnt, and then slowly forgotten
I do not know what is worse
to forgot or too completely abandon
What comes first?
I suppose we sometimes do not have the choice to choose where we end up at times
So I will wait
because there is always the possibility that you will come back
maybe not today
tomorrow
or the day after
but soon

Know what I hate the most about myself after a big fight
a heated discussion
a nasty row
The fact that I cant remain calm
The fact that I cant sit still
The fact that I cant keep quiet when all I really want is to blurt something out something negative
Something hurtful
Something stabby
Something that will make me feel better for a split second and hurt him for days
Its not always possible to be the bigger person
Its not always easy to take the high road
Is this what happens when you have kept quiet for way to long?
Act nice to those who you really don’t like just out of good manners and cultural norms?
Look the other way just to keep the peace?
Nobody likes living in a house filled with angry words that scar up the walls
Nasty looks that stain glass
Resentment that lingers everywhere
From room to room
Like worst smell you can think off
Bitterness that is so strong that concrete and brick weigh nothing
I am tired
I wish I could get lost
Forget my way home and throw the key away in the nearest bit of water
let it rust away like the memory of my first night with you
It would still be the same ugly house
Even if someone has cleaned up the insides the old fashioned away with a bucket mop sponge and toothbrush
Fix up all the doors and windows
Slap on a glossy coat of paint
Make the bathroom squeak
Make the kitchen smell like freshly baked cookies
Place a new welcome mat

I have tried your phone multiple times already
Sends me straight to voicemail
Sorry but I cant come to the phone right now too busy saving the world
It makes me laugh every time but then all I am left with worry and stress
The sky is getting darker and rain is the only music I can hear right now
The buildings stand tall with hundreds of busybodies
Most of the lights are still on
Some go home at 5
Others stay the night
Many choose to forget their worldly problems, so they invite trouble
Give her a key and wads of cash in all the colours of the rainbow
Skip the small talk and slip off the dress
Close the blinds and put on the blindfold
Grab her by the hair and work that mouth
Give her something to work on
Again, again and again
Until he is the one feeling alright
She will be wiping off the lipstick
Careful not to get any on his clothes
I will try you phone again
One last time
Sorry but I cant –

The Truth finally came out
I wonder how long you managed to keep this up
You said all that you had to
Well congrats it couldn’t have been easy for you
Since you prefer prevention instead of confrontation
It was a lot to take in
Right before bed time
I always thought I was the miserable one
Your claims were an earful
You really enjoy tormenting me
You treat like a pet
You have sacrificed nothing! It was all me
All I ever get rewarded is with cold behavior, icy stares and your favorite word of the week
No!
Your inhuman and I am so sorry I ever met you
I could have done so much better then you
Now I have been called many names
People have harbored all kinds of feelings towards me
They have no doubt thought the very wosrst about me
I cant apologize for everything
Yea I have changed
There are still parts of me that are warm, kind, caring, friendly and resourceful
I am not stupid to make the same mistakes again
Let my emtions drive me up the wall
I sometimes stop feeling for you
I tune out
Sympathize with you till it becomes a joke
Sorry if I bring out the worst out of you
Make you morph into a wild eyed raging beast instead of the well mannerd, smiley faced young lad everyone takes you for
I cant always keep my feelings to myself
I cant always keep my problems ot myself
I cant always keep my mistakes to myself
They overlap with your day
They spill into your thoughts
They stay in your brain
But I try my best to not be a nuisance to you
Promise!
But somehow I always end up making things difficult for you
For those around you too
I know I have a destructive touch
I break everything I touch and hold in my hands
I was like this ever since I was a toddler
It explains why mom never bought me anything pretty
It explains why dad always yelled at me
It explains why I had no real friends
I guess its better if I go back to where I came from
You carry on
Forget about how I first came to you
Forget about how our eyes met
Our minds clicked

Is it just another episode of stress induced fatigue
Is it jet lag
Can this be the beginning of another cold or the flu
I hear that everyone is getting sick now
I do not look my best
I certainly feel even worse
It is not laziness because I would get annoyed of feeling that after some time
This feels different
I don’t actually want to do anything
I am perfectly fine of just remaining still right now
I do not want to anyone near me
I do want to hear voices
Right next to me
Or from a distance
I feel weird
Tired almost but I know I wont be sleeping
Anxious but still at the same time
Quiet but my mind is racing
My thoughts continue to crash with one another
My throat feels dry
There is so much that needs to be said
But I cant find the effort or the strength to talk right now
Maybe all I need is a good cry
But even that’s not happening
The day passed by in a blur but I know that night wont be so merciful

It is happening again
The day will go on
Everything is in motion
But I am on the verge of tears
I cannot hold on to this smile for a moment longer
**** Customer Service!

Love must taste like a warm criss-crossed apple pie with vanilla bean ice cream on top
It must be hot
It must be cold
It must be both satisfying and full-filling
It must take a long time to master
A lot of patience is required to get things just right
When you have too much of it you end up  hurting
When you have none of it you feel horrible and empty
I have a sweet tooth and no cure
But I have yet to taste a piece of that warm criss-crossed apple pie with vanilla bean ice cream on top

You know what I will miss the most about us?
Not
the smiley pics
The stupid txt msgs
Impromptu dates
Cheesy couple costumes
Happy Hour
Saturday Shopping Sprees
Long Lazy Rides
Ice-cream at midnight
Goodnight Kisses
Train rides going to particularly nowhere
Cute lil Caricatures of us
International souvenirs
Picnics and walks on the parks
The swings
Matching tattoos
Bets and promises
Weekend long Marathons
5 dollar desserts
Hot hair balloon rides
Horse back riding
Apple picking
Pie baking
Cake tasting
Ring picking
Unlimited Hugs and Hot soup
Fishing
Dancing
Fighting
Trust and support
Make Up ***
Cooking on a whim

But the connection I once shared with you…

I know we are not on talking terms right now
because of some of the things you said
because of some of the things I said
I love you with all that I have
But I am unable to talk to you
It hurts
But I cant tell you that
I am sorry
But I cant tell you that either
You wont even look at me
I am not sure how to act around you
Instead I am sitting here trying to rationalize all of this
Anger in normal
Stress is normal
Reflection is important and needed
But this hurt
A lot!

Maybe no one told you about me
I am not sorry I didn’t come with a warning or a price tag
I wont make things easy for you
I cant be persuaded like the others
I am not really searching for anything
So pursue me only if you like challenges and can deal with the consequences
No two days will be the same when you are around me
I don’t like a chase
Or cat and mouse games
It doesn’t satisfy the appetite or any of my needs
So just be honest with me at all times
Cheap words will not get me to look your way
Flashy cars, brand name clothing and unnecessary flash bores me to death
It just occupies space
Rules are fine
I can follow them most of the time
I can be a good person too
But maybe I am bad for you…

My heart breaks every day
It aches just a little more
but no one can hear it
nor feel it
He goes on with his day
I go on with mine

I don’t have much too give you
Certainly not love
Maybe companionship at best
Love died with the last guy
Rest in peace
Should I be angry about this?
I’m not
Things were different
Life was different
Eventful and full of colour
He could make me smile as soon as my tears dried up
It doesn’t matter what I had been crying up
He could inject passion in one lonely moment
Strong enough to be felt
Sweet enough to savor
I would worry about him more then I worried about myself
My happiness stretched as far as his smile did
A thin one that would reach both of his ears
Sometimes that was enough to be make a bad day seem all good again
I will admit that he did funny things too my lips
They smiled on their own
I smiled more then usual and forget about my own insecurities
My big eyes that take in the whole world in one glance
My not so perfect teeth
My strange gait
It would all be forgotten, momentarily
He held on to me like the prettiest flower in the bouquet
vowed to never let me fall
But that never really stuck
Blows to the mind
Blows to the heart
I don’t know which one was more fragile, but I did my best to mend it
The love was still there
Until one day it got snatched away
I was handed back my own empty heart
three sizes too small
Beaten up and worn out
Artfully stitched up all over the place
It was mine to keep
I didn’t know what to do with it
It continued to beat
Then bleed
Every time I thought about him
Whenever my mind refused to go ahead with the day
I still think about him
But Now I am able to smile a little bit
Is that progress?
Indifference?
I will never know
But I think I will hold on to my little heart
That is three sizes too small

I am getting tired of these mini heart attacks
I know I forget
But this is becoming ridiculous
I loose it when I least expect it
On an important day
Or in really bad weather
But definatly on a monthly basis
I do too many things at once
That wont change
But I don’t know how I loose sight of it so quickly
Its incased in a cherry red mess
With a super bright screen saver
Password protected
Comes with its on magnet, power bank and dock
But I still manage to forget where I last put
Or saw it
I instantly forget the rushing feeling of panic
The dread and the grief
Scold myself a billion and one times for having such a lousy memory
Not being able to stay put
But this gets on my nerves
Its scary to think how dependant I have become
How much of my life depends on just 10 little digits

Maybe everyone has one of these
tucked away inside yellowed pages of a leather bound book
with a thin marker that slithers about like a snake's tongue
All the names must be written in red ink for authencity
and details like eye colour, height and home address are very important
I know what I saw in Grammy's pocket book yesterday
I didn't mean too
but the bag just fell from my hands and small book spilled out
she wrote everything in small tiny cursive letters in that school teacher-like handwriting of hers
with the help of a black ball point pen
I did not find any pictures or strands of hair
evidence!
but who could possibly have a problem with her gentle and friendly presence?
It boggles my mind
here is a old but young lady that is an active member of the community
not a day over 50 and no grey hair to worry about
she is an award winning pastry chef, who can still beat everyone at poker and has a mean green thumb
I know I am rambling but this just doesn't make any sense
I bet dad doesn't even know anything
or...
maybe this is part of a big family secret
could she be part of a gang?
have millions stashed away somewhere
send baked goods to different locations with just a little something extra in them?
have enemies from way before I was born?
I don't know
But I have so many questions to ask her
how do I do it?
She has baked my favorite brownies today and promised that we would go out to see a play later in the evening

I am not suppose to be waiting up for you
not when there is a million other things to do

I am not suppose to waiting by the phone
wishing you would call
wishing that you would just give me the chance to talk
explain my side of the story

I am not suppose to be feeling this ****** and down
when you messed up

I am not suppose to just feel alright
forget about what happened the other day
smile and ****** up those roses
and plant a big kiss on your cheek

I am not suppose to light up
after waiting all day on you
to get back to me

I am not suppose to let everything slide
because you had an extra hard day and cant think straight

I am not suppose to pretend that everything is ok
when my face looks like hell and make up aint helping

I am not suppose to get past something that meant a lot to me
and smile at you because you forgot

I am not suppose to keep everything inside
and calm the hell down when there is company around

I am not suppose to stand around while you charm everybody else acting like you have all your **** together
when we both know that there is less 20$ in the bank

I am not suppose to be quiet as the tall men come in my house
ready to repo every **** thing in sight because you were a little late paying the bills and lying to me about how you have everything in control

I am not suppose to mopping floors, cleaning up after rude customers and working 10 hour shifts when there will soon be somebody else to think about

But what to do.. I am in love

I wish I had put myself first and not you
that way there wouldn't have been any consequences
I wouldn't have to walk away from anything
I wouldn't be taken for granted
I wouldn't have to care bout feeling hurt
everything would still be whole
I would still be able to sleep at night

I wish you could stay just awhile longer
4 months is such a short period of time for glossed lips and sun kissed skin
Fun in the sun and splish splash in the pool
All night barbeques under twinkling lights, good music and the company of fire flies
I am no fan of getting the perfect tan but the sun on my face is always pleasant
I am not ready to trade in my flowing skirts for woolly pants
Tie up my wavy locks and shove them under the mass of cotton and wool
Being under dressed works but all those layers are ******
Don’t wanna say good bye to flip flops, dainty slippers and flats, showcasing off the perfect pedicure and slender ankles
Box off anklets and belly chains
Move away from last minute plans, and dates just because the weather is fantastic and he couldn’t really come up with a better reason to want to spend time with you
No longer finding the time to link arms with an old time lover and walk down a path that hasn’t been traveled for quite some time now
Dismiss the temptation of indulging in frozen treats to please the tongue and childish spirits
Its no fun to fish in the cold
No one will be looking for berries in the snow
Sunblock will be taking a rest while lip balm steals the show
It will be the season for vicks vaporub and  Vaseline soon
Summer romance will be dead and we will all have to settle for runny noses and frost bites next
Colourful leaves stuck to sneakers
Worms just starting to wake up
Rain for days
Who can forget the slushy snow!

I have kissed you
one too many times
shame on me

Has never looked so good
or tasted so sweet
I just wish I knew her name