Trees are
gone forever.
There is
a lack,
a void.
It smells  
of pine
and emptiness.
Flashes of
that day
at the 
surface of
my memory.
I remember
how it
use to
be before.

I feel like a zombie.
I walk around aimlessly
trying to find
ways to sleep.
Epicly Failing.
I can’t help
but walk around
through this time & space
of sleeplessness

I never understood the squirrels around this place. Their behavior is horrible in the extremes. I remember a squirrel that laid on his belly in the courtyard and didn’t move for a significant amount of time unbecoming of a squirrel. Did he not know he was making a scene? I’m pretty sure he didn’t care. Because there he laid, for the namely masses to past and stare. Then there was the time I was riding my bicycle, minding my own business. A squirrel was running and hit my leg and petal. I was so shocked I couldn’t believe it happened. What did I ever do to that squirrel to warrant such a random attack? I’m lucky I didn’t fall over in fright and injure myself. If this keeps up, I’m pretty sure the squirrels are planning a united ******* to ruin my mental state.

I sat there in my apartment
eating a cheeseburger
from Hardee’s on 15th Street. The
sound of my VCR and my
own thoughts comforted me. My friend
the internet kept me connected
to my boyfriend which I appreciated. The weather
outside had told me of strange burst of winds.
The radio had told me
of tornadoes in Tuscaloosa. A girl in December
told me I was safe to go home if
I lived nearby. School was over
and I didn’t feel like cooking, which
explained the Hardee’s. I chewed and chewed
like I had not a care in the world. I was eating,
I was in my apartment,
I was safe.

Then everything went black
and silent in my apartment.
Everything except the strange
sound outside my apartment. I heard it
just after my apartment was silenced.
“What the hell is that?” I asked myself,
because I lived alone. I walked
to the window, the blinds already shut.
I peeked outside. I saw the devil outside my window.
It was as tall as the sky, as wide as a mile, and angry. It roared
and threw everything it swallowed randomly.
It was 100 feet away, and coming closer. I closed
my blinds and blinked.  Disbelief set in for a moment.
“I did not just see that.” I told myself.
“You should look again”, myself told me.
So I peeked out the blinds again. The devil
was still there and coming closer. It was
not a nightmare. It was not
a figment of my imagination.
It was there and I was in danger.
I felt the danger wash over me. Fear
tasted like impending death
that day, bitter and stuck in my throat.
I grabbed my cell phone and a quilt
that use to rest on my parents’ bed
until I was allowed to take it.
I ran to the bathroom,
still tasting fear. I called
my mother as the devil
came closer.

“Mom! There’s a tornado outside and it’s coming to get me!!”
I’ll admit, I panicked,
but you would too if
the devil was right outside your door
and you didn’t know
if this was the end.  
“Now is the time to go into survivor mode”
my mother informed me in a calm voice.
So after screaming and panicking and
not dying of a panic attack,
I closed my eyes and became calm.
I waited for a calming outside
before I explored the outside. There was
some damage to my apartment, significant damage
to my apartment building, 7 out of 8 of my windows
in my van were imploded from
the pressure of the devil,
worse damage to my connecting neighborhood
(but no deaths, though somewhere not far
from there a house killed some students)
and no Alberta City.
My damages felt insignificant in comparison to that.

I had a father
He was a jolly man
Full of laughter and mirth
Full of bitterness and sorrow
His eyes were bright as sienna jewels full of ambition
His laugh haunts my memory still
But then there was another side of him
Which has brought me emotional turmoil
To last the rest of my years
In spite of that,
He was my father
He was always there
He was haunted by the past and the present
Still he loved to make people happy
And then he left forever on a trip to Mobile
Innocently lying when he said he would come back soon
He spent the weekend there
A weekend that slipped into eternity
Though even now
It’s like he would return home soon
Like he will come back to the house in his way
But that can only happen in dreams now
And it is so apparent
How he was the light of his family…

I have a brother
Who came before I
Though we share the same father
It is so obvious that we do not share the same mother
He who ignores me
Living his own life
The king of lies
A charming crook
I see in his devilish grin
The words he believes I like to hear
Not the truth
Our relationship is a shattered piece of black tinted glass
Before I knew him, it was shaped in a beautiful figurine
Abstract and colorful
As I got to know him
It broke into many pieces
Then broke again with every lie
The color turned to black with every truthful revelation
My brother
Who is so much like my father
Yet nothing like him…

I have another brother
I’ve known him since before I could remember
My little brother
The breaker of my things…
I have sacrificed so much for him
Sometimes he is grateful
Sometimes he’s annoying
Always he is there
He’s so tall
Life made him taller than me
It’s not fair
I’m older
He is my greatest ally of the past
He is my worst enemy beyond myself
We are bound by love and blood
Forever related
Until one of us dies
Still I would miss him
I know he would miss me
My beloved brother
Let’s never live in the same state…

I had a grandfather
He would lie to me about his age
He lived his own life
Revolved around his daughter
He did not smoke
He did not drink
He swore like a sailor
And died of cancer of the tongue
He ignored me for the lifetime we shared
But he did acknowledge my presence
That we were related
I was able to say goodbye before he died
I didn’t cry when he left
I had a dream about him once
He gave me a puppy
It made me feel better…

I had an uncle
Who showed me
What a grandfather is suppose to be
He taught me how to gamble
He showed me unconditional love
He who had no grandchildren
Yet my brother and I were all he needed
We were blessed to have him in our lives
He lived far away
But that didn’t stop him from seeing us
As opposed to our own grandfather
Who lived in the same city as we lived
And had better things to do that spend time
With his grandchildren
That uncle of mine was my father’s uncle first
Showed my father the same kind of love
In his childhood days
Taught him how to gamble
Taught him how to love
I cried when he left us
But I know he has found peace
He came live near us at the end
I visit him from time to time…

The sun has gone down.
There is life everywhere.
Crying, dazing.
I am like the second  
& not the first.
As far as the eye can see
there is a void.
Where are the lights?
Where is my safety?
As far as the eye can see
there is darkness.

There was an old lady that died in 2003.
Her caretaker left her in from of the TV.
Two years had past, and they found her at last,
For the dead old lady turned into a mummy.

There is a place I’d like to escape to
I know it doesn’t remember me
But I don’t care, I think of it still
The air full of decay from the first step
The decay of broken dreams
So strong you can smell it
Even though some dreams died long ago.

The green trees
Still green for those that haven’t died
Blow out air to the people that walk
And some who don’t
They have dreams of their own I imagine
None of which probably happen
I imagine if a tree dreamed
It would dream of living
Not to be cut down and used
By those who take its air
So in that case, the trees too
Breathe out broken dreams

In spite of that, it’s a lovely town
Full of half happy faces
And great coffee houses
Though I don’t know for sure because I like hot tea
At 9 pm, the streets are bare
A sleepy town that lives off broken dreams
I should visit there again…

Darkness falls across my mind.
I look around and all I find
Is misery in a shade of blue
And its shadows in a purple hue
The ground beneath as dark as ash
My mind befuddled as the moments pass

Lost within this moment more
I reach out to the iron door
Plagued with visions of past and fate
I make my way through the ebony gate
Beyond the velvet mocking walls
I come to the fear of my memories calls.

Then I wake only to see
What I fear most of all is me.

She robbed his blood
She licked life away from him
The boy could not run faster from her
He wanted to live after all
But we all would

I sit alone, wondering when this pain will end...
Where could he be? I'm waiting...
I'm impatient like a child....just like that
I wonder if he thinks of me.
The pain in my heart is feeling with emotions from last night...so many emotions fill my heart
I won't if he thinks I'm pretty
I want to smile, but I can't....
What the hell is wrong with me?
Bittersweet memories of a happy moment replay in my head
It fell so good to be near him...To have him touch my face...
He smelled good too....He was so sweet my heart melted...
I wonder how long till I see him again....
I'm so depressing it's tragic...

I always enjoyed walking, more than the average person. In the right hands, walking is a powerful statement that can strike the notice of anyone. When I look at my mother, walking is a precious thing that many people take for granted. I am different from her, not in looks because we look alike. I am different from her in the fact that I am younger. I have two feet to take me wherever I want to run away to. My mother does not, and yet it has never stopped her from her destination, wherever that might be. My mother, so strong, has lost a lot. A lot is so broad in terms, it does not nearly come close to the loss my mother has suffered. But this is how she sees it. Something that happened in her past that changed everything, except her will to live and continue on. My mother, with no feet to speak of (and one knee), cannot dance like a person who takes for granted walking. Instead, she dances with her words and her wit. She rolls on wheels like a normal amputee. But ah! She is so different. She taught me to appreciate life, and she taught me to appreciate walking.  

I sit here, imagining what it would be like to see my mother with legs that I’ve never known. Then I look in the mirror. I look so much like my mother, so could it be that I walk like her as well? I asked her, she said no. I guess I have my own uniqueness since I am half her and half my father. I know that she probably had a walk that was as seductive as I can make my walk, but I will never see it. I can only imagine… Later on, my mother told me if I really walked like her, I’d have more stalkers. I have enough problems with stalkers, so maybe it’s for the best that we don’t walk the same.

When my mother was 15, she burned severely. Nine months she suffered after, forever scarred. Forever handicap. Yet not handicap from life. Never once did she see this as her own personal burden. She is my hero because of that.

I do not walk the way I use to. When I was younger, I walked like a child. When I was a teenager, I walked like a dancer. Then I had the car accident that would bruise my hip. Now, I think I walk at a slower pace than the people around me. But I have the power to change the way I look walking. I can be as aggressive as a swan if I wanted to, and just as graceful. But modeling on the runway is probably not in my future. Though, who knows really? Walking is harder than it used to be. I use to like walking…
I don’t remember when I learned to walk. My mom says I was 9 to 10 months old. Before that, I climbed on things. After that, I unlocked doors. I used walking as a weapon of opportunity as a child. Walking was my liberation, my first step in going wherever it is I’m going. It was the beginning…

I asked my mother if she misses walking. She told me she got use to not walking, and adjusted. Her life changed, but not in a way that she missed what she use to have. Her mother, my grandmother, became a pillar of strength to her as my mother is to me now.  I wonder what kind of relationship my grandmother had with her mother. I cannot ask her about it now, her memory escapes her. I’ll have to ask my mother and listen attentively when she tells me.

It began normal enough.
Everything was the same.
Everything was there.
The winds came.
Windy Windy
Blow Blow
It rained a little.
My umbrella was useless.
Windy Windy
Blow Blow
There were sirens in the air.
Class was cancelled.
I went to my apartment.
Too much wind then.
It messed up my hair.
That windy brother of mine.
He was violent and angry.
Windy Windy
Blow Blow
A tornado came to visit.
Came right over my head.
Windy Windy Windy
Blow Blow Blow
I was afraid.
The power was gone.
I hid from the tornado.
Windy Windy Windy
Blow Blow Blow
Part of my window vanished
right before my eyes.
There was a roar.
There was a trembling.
Windy Windy Windy
Blow Blow
The worse was over,
for now.
I ventured outside.
The people in my complex survived.
Their cars...not so much.
A tree through one apartment
a branch through the car.
My car, Windrider,
all the windows gone except the windshield.
Windy
Blow
Beyond my apartment
Everything is gone.