Love me at my darkest
Love me in my sorrow
Love me at my weakest,
When it is your strength I borrow.

Love me when I don't want you,
Love me when I feel hollow
Love me at the end of all hope
When in your grace, I'll follow.

Don't ask me how I'm doing
If you aren't ready to hear what I have to say
Do you really want to know
How I struggle to breathe, to wake up every day?
Do you really want to listen
To how I have to pretend, how hard it is to smile,
Do you really want to understand
Or would you like pretty lies for a while?
So here you go:

"I'm doing well, I've had a great year
I haven't cried myself to sleep, or wept in the shower
I haven't thought of ending it, or running away
My thoughts don't plague me every week, every hour
I'm not homesick, I'm not lonely, I'm not sad
I'm not depressed, I'm not anxious, I want to live
I love my job, I love my life, I love myself
I am worthy, I am useful, I have so much to give."

And the world tells me to swim
Swim till my heart gives out
All I can do is drown in pain
I'm underwater, awash in doubt.
"Help me", I long to say
"I cannot breathe, I want to live"
No one hears these unspoken words
I'm dead, dying, with nothing to give.

All the world's a stage
And all the men and women merely players;
Acting to the best of their ability
As they pretend, pretend, pretend
That everything's fine, that it always will be
Through tempests of unrelenting storms
Because the show must, it must go on.
Whatever would happen
If it had to stop?
The theatre crumbling out of existence?
What would they do, who would they be,
Where would they go
If they could not act anymore?

Billions of stars in the galaxy
Would anyone notice
If one stopped shining,
Winking out of existence?

Hi to everyone reading this.
I just needed to write this after a particularly depressing day with the thoughts in my head, and because I feel so lonely, and this is, I hope, a safe space to express that.
It's been years since I went home, and I can't go now because of travel restrictions during this **** pandemic, I miss my family and it sometimes feels it's been so long since I felt genuinely free and happy. I'm reverting to old addictive habits to cope, which are detrimental to my mental health, because I don't know what else to do, also because I don't know if there is an end to this, to keep holding on. I miss my friends, and it's been months since I met any of them. I haven't seen people my own age for what seems like forever, and I'm afraid I'm becoming something I don't recognize, that I dislike. My career feels like it's at a dead end because job search during this time is heading nowhere, and I've been looking for nearly a year now, while working at a job I really hate. It's no use opening up to people in my own life because I've done that enough and more times than I can count, and I'm tired of sounding like a broken record about things I cannot change. I'm sick of lockdowns and restrictions and stay-at home orders and social distancing and feeling so utterly hopeless I can't breathe at times.
I know I'm privileged, I know I'm lucky in so many ways and that there are so many in the world in a worse position than my own. So it feels absolutely ****** to even write all this down. But I don't know how to deal with all of this and I'm feeling so, so tired that I fear I may do something I regret. I am scared and hopeless and at a loss. Everything hurts, and every breath seems like a waste.
I'm looking for help, but I don't know how to help myself because I feel so useless. It seems pointless.
If anyone reads this, please know that I am trying, I am fighting very hard. But today may be the day I give up because I do not see the point anymore. **** covid. **** this pandemic. **** everything.

What if the clouds are weeping with glee
As they gently let their burdens go
Cherishing what it means to be free
Dancing in the wind, with ebb and flow?