You love abusing me
You love telling me what to do
Your servant
You love when I do the dishes
"Because I know how to do them right"
Because you hit me when I did them "wrong"
and you hit me when the other kids wouldn't wash them at all

You love it when someone takes care of you
You conditioned me to be the perfect caregiver
For you
You love codependence
You love yourself

You don't realize that you don't love me
You grieve for me
You grieve, because it's not easy
To live without
A fulltime caregiver
A fulltime maid
A fulltime cook

It took me a long time to learn what love is
I love my Husband
I love his smile, his brilliant eyes, and that he hugs me
when I'm feeling down
I love listening to him get excited
about weird and pointless things
I love seeing him happy, with or without me
I love that we are on the same team
Team "Us", both of us

You can tell me "I Love You" everyday
for the rest of  your life
but you are only lying to yourself

The words that flow from my mouth

Unfiltered

Full of grit and **** and bile

My actions

Too aggressive and destructive and thoughtless

My existence

Too pointless and worthless and shameful

I don't feel like I belong anywhere.
Most days I just want to die.
If I say these words I'm being dramatic.
I look around and I have no one.

What happened?

People shut me out.
It's probably my fault.
They won't tell me why.
I can't see a way to fix it.

What happened?

Shut my mouth.
We all die alone.
I'm  tired.

What happened?

A careless child dropping a vessel.

You can't expect the broken to tell you their pain, sometimes you have to ask.

Air bursting through a window, throwing a vase on the ground.

"Do things because you want to", I don't see the point.

High a top the shelf, the sly cat knocks over the heirloom.

Depression is blinding, defining, chilling, and easily over looked.

Falling over and over again.

Broken over and over again.

Eventually we all are like pottery shattered into dust.

Growing up I was the "tomboy" a term
I now loathe.

My mom had a lesbian roommate, LGBT was widely accepted at my school, my brother is bi and my auncle non-binary.

I've been surrounded by this magical group of people and I have always supported them.

But for me it was different. The same rules didn't apply. I loved Buffy the vampire Slayer and other logo shows. But I became defensive when confronted or described with the term lesbian.

It was okay for others, I supported them and was excited. My family wouldn't have cared. But why did it sit on my chest like a boulder for so long? . . . No, not me. I don't like girls!

But did, I was the biggest flirt too!

I even loved a girl. I remembered being nervous in college orientation. She was sitting at a desk to my left. She was thin with big curly hair. I was nervous but I wanted to talk to her.

She looked at me with beautiful brown eyes, a cute little nose, and lips I found myself lost in. She was the most beautiful person I have ever seen. I was a stuttering fool as she asked to compare class schedules.

She became my best friend. We live together, cuddled, and took care of each other. For two years. When the relationship ended, she said she said she felt like she was loosing a boyfriend. Ew, not like that! I was defensive. I did not like girls. I couldn't have, the rules didn't apply to me. The next year it didn't understand why it hurt so much to pass her with her girlfriend at the gym. After two more years I would finally know why.

Working at the coffee shop I saw two lovely young lesbians sharing a *** of tea. Then she handed in an application. She met all of the qualifications. It was delightful to have her in my life. To watch how life could be. She was pretty patient and kind. She took the time to answer the hard questions.

That is the first time, I acknowledged that I might be gay. All girls find other girls pretty, right?

After along drive with my brother, he was convinced I am deep in the closet. How did he know? I didn't even mention it.

Flash forward and I told a boyfriend that I like girls. But it was a secret. That relationship ended. After a bit I told my following. I. Like. Girls. It was a secret. I still didn't want to tell anyone else.

Yesterday, I joined my first LGBTQ+ facebook group. I'm still hesitant to share with anyone I know in person other than my fiancee. He is a man and I do love him. What am I? Am I allowed to Identify as LGBTQ+ if I, a female, is in a relationship with a straight man.

What am I? What am I? What am I?

Probably pansexual. In reality, I am scared.

Today, I wrote this and I am cracking the closest door.

Coffee
I lay here in bed
Yearning for the taste
The only reason to get out of bed

Coffee
The warm comforting feel
Filling my mouth
Filling me with hope

Coffee
I look forward to it
I want it first thing in the morning
I want it last thing in the evening

Sugar
One heaping spoonful
Stirred in to get my fix
Sweet, sweet bliss to rot my teeth

Finally, I feel "normal"

"Mr. Stark, I don't feel so good."

Disappearing, disintegrating, dust.

"I don't want to exist anymore"

Words you can never tell anyone.

Upon waking up I hate myself
Peeling out of bed
Like removing lead from a shelf
My head bubbling with dread

Looking in the mirror I feel hallow
My eyes empty
My monologue ever more shallow
If I only knew now, when I was twenty

Did I do the right thing?
Did I say the right thing?
Did I share the right thing?
Did I post the right thing?

Dressed in five day old jammies
Working two jobs
Can't pay of debt reciting taxonomies
Look at the news, now my heart sobs

Why is it so hard to be a good person?
People like you make me sick
Turn around and be a new version
I hope for your sake someday it will click.

Do you have a silly secret?
Something that doesn't hurt anyone.
A silly thing to giggle at.
It isn't a lie but still you feel sly.

In a past life time I used hide my candy bars in a shrimp ramen package.

No one ever touched them.
No one ever knew.
I giggle to myself,
through and through.

Some days I can feel the cool metal
Pressed under my chin

Life rushing by, pressure on the peddle
Head hanging over the bin

Some days I can feel my heart's been ripped out
Hollow, outlined in pain, eating at me

My head spinning, I can't find the best route
Pretending everything is okay, sipping tea

Some days I just want to throw-up
People in this world make me nauseous (including me)

Can't handle the word, hide behind make-up
Over trusting over cautious

Some days my mind won't stop spinning

Some days my mind won't stop spinning

. . . Some days my mind won't stop spinning

Growing up, I moved from town to town. I blamed it on my mom. Sometimes we moved twice in a year.

As an adult, I move from state to state. I blamed it on my wonder-lust. The longest I've lived consistently in one place was 3 years.

The bonds of the people I've needed the most broke when they died.

I will never be a best friend. That place is always reserved for someone more special who has known you longer. I'll never know anyone longer. I'm transient.

I will always be, "ya ain't from around here, girl." I'm not from anywhere. I'm transient.

I have many hobbies, many skills. To keep moving you have to keep learning. "You're doing it wrong", no, I'm doing it different.

I don't claim to be all knowing. 5th generation laborer and "I've been doing this since I was 12", it doesn't make you a messiah. Practice makes permanent, not necessarily perfect.

Be open to trying new things. Be accepting. "Stay in your lane!"

This is why I move again. The shine of the new place wore off. I realize I'm alone again. I don't have strong enough bonds to stay. I can distract myself with adventure. I am transient.

My brain is running a million programs a second.

Why can't I remember anything?

Working for YOU
Fighting for YOU
Losing sleep for YOU

But me, I work two jobs, have three sick dogs, and over 100,000 dollars in student debt to pay off.

Not enough time to eat, for YOU
Crying for hours, for YOU
Migraines for days, for YOU

In the face of danger, for YOU
Across the street from an AR-15, for YOU
Unwavering as the beast threatens to take my leg, for YOU

Stand up for what's right but keep your mouth shut
Talk less, smile more

But I'm seemingly straight
I am white
Everything I've done means nothing. . .

To YOU.

Retro clothes, golden glasses, rainbow suspenders.

Wide face, soft skin, petite woman.

Tongue tied, stupid words, blush.

Some one is pulling my spine out.
Their hands are wrapped around my Thoracic.
The pain spreads to my nerves around my ribs and up my shoulders.

A ghost blows a cool, long, slow gust of air on the back of my neck.
Taking a second to pass though my body, laughing at me.

Fire and ice covers my skin.
It burns. It burns. It burns.
The fire burns and the ice bits.
It bites. It bites. It bites.

A cool crisp cider to pour down my throat to quench and drench the pain.
New friends, good company not knowing my flaws and holding my hostage.

Knowing, I'm stuck in isolation.
Cider and friends are a slim possibility.
I can't fix it. Subdue it. Ignore it.