Built for the Fire (more than ever)

I could stay numb.
I know how.
I’ve done it—
sat in the quiet aftermath,
let the weight of loss press me still.

It’s safe there,
in the ache that asks nothing.
No risk,
no rejection,
no reminders of what we once had.

But I wasn’t built for numb.

I was built for heat,
for tongue and lip against skin,
for tangled sheets and laughter
that opens something holy inside.
For conversation that strips the armor
and hands that say
you’re not alone here.

So no—
I won’t shrink.
I won’t hide behind the ruin.

I want love again.
Not the edited kind—
not filtered, polite, or halfway.
I want the messy, honest kind,
the kind that sees me, stays, and builds.

I want closeness that burns with truth,
touch that doesn’t just touch skin,
but says something deeper,
says you matter. You’re real. I’m here.

I want to risk it all again—
not because I forget the pain,
but because I remember the feeling.
What it’s like to be alive in someone’s arms.
What it’s like to look across the room
and know: this moment, right now, is everything.

Yes, I’ve been hurt.
Yes, the loss nearly wrecked me.
But I refuse to stay frozen.

It’s human to want love.
To crave the sacred electricity
of closeness, of presence,
of hands and lips and hearts saying
let’s try again.

So if I love again—
and I will—
it will be fully,
boldly,
fiercely.

Because even after all I’ve seen,
I still believe:
there’s nothing braver
than choosing love
when you know exactly
what it can cost—
and you do it anyway.

© 2025 Shawn Oen. All rights reserved

Blueprint for Healing

I’ve rebuilt engines, wired a home,
Framed up sheds with hands of stone.
I’ve tamed machines, I’ve braved the climb,
Outpaced the weight of wear and time.

But nothing buckled me like this—
The silent war, the hits I missed.
No smoke or flame, no outward scar,
Just echoes locked behind a bar.

PTSD—they gave it a name,
Like it’s a blueprint, just the same.
But wounds unseen don’t read like plans,
And healing isn’t built by hands.

It took more guts than steel and fire
To face the ghosts that never tire.
To sit with pain, to breathe through dread,
To meet the past I left for dead.

I tried to run—I tried to hide,
Behind the work, the sweat, the pride.
But pain will wait, it knows the way,
And finds you when the noise gives way.

So I turned in, not out this time,
Learned to climb a different kind of climb.
To trust, to cry, to not retreat,
To feel the ground beneath my feet.

Therapy sessions like stripped wires,
Exposing faults, re-routing fires.
Nights alone, but less afraid,
Forging peace from what remained.

And slowly, like a stubborn bolt,
Something shifted in the jolt.
The weight grew less, the fog drew back,
I found the path, rebuilt the track.

Now I stand, not free from pain,
But stronger for each broken chain.
Not perfect, no, but far from lost—
A man who paid the highest cost

And made it back, rebuilt and scarred,
With softer hands, but beating hard.
I am the proof, the living plan—
That even wreckage builds a man.

© 2025 Shawn Oen. All rights reserved.

The Foundation We Build

Beneath new beams and fresh-cut pine,
In the hush of evening’s slowing time,
We shape a space with care-worn hands—
A daughter’s dream, a life’s new plan.

My son-in-law, with steady grace,
Beside me in that shadowed place.
We lift and frame, we brace and bend,
Not just a room—but means to end.

My father’s voice, still calm, still wise,
Echoes through sawdust-scented skies.
Three generations, hearts as one,
Driving nails until it’s done.

There’s laughter echoing off the studs,
And plans sketched out in drywall dust.
Each hammer’s swing, each nail we drive,
Another way we keep love alive.

And yet, amid the joy and sweat,
There lies a quiet, soft regret.
A space beside me not yet filled,
A longing that won’t quite be stilled.

I wish my son could see this too,
And feel the pride in what we do.
To pass this torch, to share this bond,
To build a life he’s proud beyond.

And someone else—I feel the lack,
A presence missed, a voice held back.
To share the dusk, the ride, the road,
To lighten up this blessed load.

For family’s more than blood or name,
It’s showing up through joy and strain.
It’s knowing love in tired hands,
And finding peace in shared demands.

And when the stars begin to show,
And quiet calls me home to go,
The country roads stretch soft and wide,
With sunset bleeding on each side.

My body aches, my spirit soars—
For in these nights and through these chores,
I’ve come to see what matters most:
Not walls, not tools, but who we host.

A future built with sweat and care,
With love poured out in each repair.
And in that basement, warm and bright,
Lives not just shelter—but their light.

To give, to build, to stand beside,
To share the load, to swell with pride—
I know now what family means:
It’s not the house, but all the scenes

Of working late and driving slow,
Of quiet peace when day lets go.
Of building futures, hand in hand—
On sacred, sawdust-covered land.

© 2025 Shawn Oen. All rights reserved.

Braces for His Kids

I signed the line with a shaking hand,
One more check to meet demand.
The lawyer smiled, a practiced grace—
I visualized my kid’s crooked smile in place.

The gavel dropped, the papers signed,
A chapter closed, a life repealed.
The cost? Not just the fee they charge,
But dreams postponed, and wounds still large.

My teenager—fouteen, brave and kind—
Hides his teeth, tries not to mind.
“Maybe next year…or never” I softly say,
But even next year feels so far away.

The lawyer’s office: marble halls,
Family portraits on the walls.
Two children grin with perfect teeth,
Their braces gone, relief beneath.

And I—I paid for every wire,
Each monthly visit they require.
While mine just shrugs and bites his tongue,
In silence where his hope once clung.

Total price $19,565.
It could have cost us $375.
And with the same legal outcome.
And even a future sweet ride for our son.

He was the true loser in this sad battle.

I want to rage, to howl, to curse
This bitter trade, this skewed reverse.
But I just nod, and drive on home,
Past every ad for perfect bone.

Still, love remains—though funds are few—
And in his eyes, I see what’s true:
No bracketed smile could better shine
Then knowing, through the storm, he’s mine.

© 2025 Shawn Oen. All rights reserved.

Awakening

I built my walls from quiet pain,
Stone by stone, through fire and rain—
A soldier first, but still a man,
Holding weight no heart could stand.

In jungle hush and shadowed glen,
I watched the worst of what we can.
Guatemala carved its name
In places I could never name.

I carried blame like sacred fire,
As if I’d lit the funeral pyre.
Though orders rang and chaos reigned,
I wore the guilt, I claimed the stain.

I feared the monster in my skin,
Not from without—but deep within.
To guard the ones I loved the most,
I made myself a haunted ghost.

But time—unyielding, slow, and kind—
Kept whispering that I might find
That wounds once again buried in the sand
Could one day bloom if touched by hand.

And so I cracked, I let it break,
The dam I built to stop the ache.
And in the flood, I found a spark—
Not all I am is forged in dark.

The world grew new beneath my gaze,
A softer truth, a warmer blaze.
I saw the child beneath the gun,
The man who longed to feel the sun.

The blood was never mine to claim,
The acts, though witnessed, weren’t my name.
And though the past can never fade,
It doesn’t own the life I’ve made.

Now I emerge, no longer small,
Beyond the shelter of my wall.
I show the world, I show me too,
The soul I always somehow knew.

Not just a soldier with regret,
But someone rising stronger yet—
Not perfect, but at last, set free,
To live, to love, and finally be.

© 2025 Shawn Oen. All rights reserved.

I’m Sorry for the Storms (Now I See)

I never meant to bring you pain,
Or leave you standing in the rain.
But battles raged inside of me,
Fought in silence—PTSD.

The scars I carried, deep and wide,
Became the things I couldn’t hide.
And in the chaos, love got lost—
You paid the price, you took the cost.

I shut you out when you reached in,
Not knowing where to even begin.
I didn’t deal with all the weight,
And let the damage complicate.

But I’ve been facing what I feared,
With help from those who see things clear.
The professionals, the work, the time—
They’ve helped me climb out from the grime.

I see life now through steadier eyes,
Past all the pain, beneath the lies.
I see the good, the things I missed—
The warmth in your touch, the love in your kiss.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man
Who stood up strong, who calmly ran
To meet you where you needed me—
I wish I’d fought more fearlessly.

Still, every flower that I gave
Was born from love I couldn’t save.
Thousands bloomed from something true—
My heart was always full of you.

And I would give my life, still now,
For you and him—I made that vow.
I wasn’t perfect, but I tried,
And though it hurt, I didn’t deny.

If time could turn, if hearts could mend,
If grace could let old wounds transcend—
Just know I’m here, and heart sincere.
With open hands and vision clear.

© 2025 Shawn Oen. All rights reserved.

The divorce is final.
Signed.
Stamped.
Closed.
But nothing about it feels settled.
The paperwork is done—
but my heart’s still
asking questions
no one can answer.

Could we have saved it?
Did she pull away too soon?
Did I put too much on her shoulders?
Was it the trauma,
the ghosts in my sleep,
the version of me
that couldn’t let her in?

Or were we already drowning
before either of us knew how to swim?

Some days, I replay it
like an old tape
on loop.
What if I had reached for her hand
instead of shutting the door?
Broken down my wall of pain?
What if she had stayed
one more night?
One more try?

What if I asked for help earlier?

Could we have saved, with guidance, a life most dream of?

But I can’t live in the what-ifs.

Because even before the marriage ended—
I was unraveling. Subconsciously begging for help.

Before the ring,
before the vows,
there was fire.

Guatemala.
Orders.
Blood.
Thoughts that don’t leave
even after the mission ends.

I carried things home
you can’t pack in a duffel.
But I tried. For decades.

I came back with a silence
that didn’t fully allow for love.
And a guilt
Trauma that made me flinch
when my son cried too loud.

Then came the scrubs. And another deployment.
Hospitals. Sand. The bridge. COVID.
Dead bodies stacked on tired ones.
Loss after loss. Screams. Blood.
you weren’t allowed to cry about.
I showed up every day,
but somewhere along the line,
I stopped feeling like I was there.

PTSD doesn’t care what role you play.
It waits in the corners,
feeds on the quiet,
and it doesn’t stop
just because you want to be strong.

I tried to handle it.
Tried to muscle through.
But it was the VA
that finally sat me down and said:
“You don’t have to do this alone.”

Paperwork.
Waitlists.
More paperwork.
Therapy.
Tears.
Emotions.
And still—
hope.

Not perfect,
not pretty,
but real.
And real was something
I hadn’t felt in a long time.

Now—
I’m just a man.
Not a soldier.
Not a husband.
Not a savior.
Just…
a father.
A soul trying to rebuild
with trembling hands.

And still—
I want to share this life
with someone.
Someone close,
but not yet known.
Someone who sees the scars
and doesn’t flinch.

Someone who hears me say:
“This is me.
Still wondering if love
could’ve lived
if I’d been whole.

Still becoming
someone better.
For my son.
For myself.
Maybe even…
for you.

Would you want
to know me too?”

© 2025 Shawn Oen. All rights reserved.