Learning how to feel and acknowlege
my fears and my traumas
and instead of hiding from it
I am learning to hug them
to accept them
and to accept myself
with all of it all
because only than can
we actually truly experience life
as our true selves.

its been 9 months and one day
it feels like ive birthed a baby
like im birthing myself
a new
9 months since
I have been sober
I acknowledge my struggles
that many can't see
and how much I have cried
and how much I have hurt
I am so proud of myself
of how far I have come
places
that all of the AA type of meetings
never brought me here
even when I do feel shame
I am trying to give myself compassion
actually starting to like who I am
to dance in the street
as if noone is watching
because life is meant to be fun
and intresting
learning how to have different healthier
types of fun
and meaning in life
learning how to be a brand new self
so I feel super young but old in some ways
for what my eyes have seen
and experienced in this life
but I am starting to see those things
as treasures as well,
for life is a learning school
for our soul
and when we learn to heed the messeges
and flow instead of always just go
with what our ego wants
than life can become better.

I remember laying on the beach with you
the night we met
talking beneath the stars
about conciousness about life
about lonlieness
and at the time
I didn't quite understand your words
or understood why a man as talented kind
and as loving as you
wouldn't have friends
but now I see 2 years later
I see why
you told me
I was your first kiss
at 25
we kissed under the moonlight
not sure if it was because you had a bad vibe
or because my heart was so wounded
that I was so afraid I pushed you away
I still think about you form time to time
and wander how you are,
if we could catch up talk about life
over a cup of coffee
interesting how you don't seem to
value things until they are no longer
there in your life.

I think I am starting to taste
self love,
I sit with myself crying all alone,
hugging myself
never wanting to let go
I love you,
I am proud of you
you are amazing,
I say
the words I have always wanted others to say
I still crave love  so desperately ,
But ,I am starting to give that to myself
and to know that I am worthy
for I exist.

I feel called to visit the place
that is haunted by my memories
i feel  so afraid to even  touch it ,
For a few blocks away is the police station
that I visited,
to report you,
after that fateful night
in my own bed,
my own safe haven
turned prison of thoughts and feelings
emotions,  
to face you,
face to face
to tell the police officer ,
how you assaulted me in my own bed
and how you laughed it off and lied through broken teeth
through  self assured smiles,
While all I begged for was an apology,
a promise to never touch another women again
but instead all I got was a brokeness inside
one that felt like shards of my heart were breaking indefinetly
when all I got back was looks of disgust
form the police woman,
who told me that I was messed  up ,
yes I wanted to yell back,
I am messed up because of men like him,
who have broken me
broken me!

See I was never whole
i came into the world broken
so broken,
only now I am trying really trying
gasping from pain,
form open wounds of scabbing pain
to hold myself up still.

Even though my whole life has felt like
mostly death ,
mixed in with some happier fleeting moments
i guess I have never ever wrote about these things
because they are  are so painful to write about,
But I learnt no one can protect me or listen to me
if I don't do that for me!

It seems like the tales in my heart
are mired in my soul
scars on my body
are basically just tales of
intense violent mysogony
what I realized
was that  my femininity is not what I hate
its the longing to feel safe
to feel okay
in my womaness
to not equate my womanhood with violence.
        
I am healing
I am working on separating this
on healing the patterns of violence
that I was brought into this world with
from a violent man known as my father
and the men in my family
I feel the anger in my heart
that I have always carried and pointed towards myself
now all I listen to is metal music
and I feel so much comfort
in this music ,
that explains my emotions in words that I can't even describe,
What hurts more
is that I overlooked so many good men
because of the way that my violence,
has painted me into a corner
in my mind.
This is why I choose my healing
above all else.
When we are so mired in our pain
We can barely see that our HELL  is HELL,
because part of us thinks  that it will always be that way!


I called you crying my tears running down my face
waterfalls of pain,
runny mascara,
In the back of an ambulance
you my brother told me,
you were sorry
but to stop talking
because it hurt you ,
and you were too busy to come
help me!
Well guess what
there was NO ONE  ever to help me !!!!!!

I instead had to sit there in the hospital all alone
With nothing to my name
but Police records
Empty faces
pitying looks
And **** kits
I was too bruised too move,
There are some things one can't forgive
and this is one of them.

What's worse is this man who abused me ,
was like all the others
who preach modesty!

Why not preach kindness ,
love
equality
seeing women as equal,
as worthy of everything that you have
just because you have a *****,
doesn't make you better than me !!!!

One man who abused me called me
his femme fatale,
oh Hunny,I am worse than that if you mess with me!

I think for so long
I have been more afraid of myself ,
than anyone else
for the rage that is held inside of me
is enough to build buildings with !

So instead of telling you
TO GO  FUCKKKKK Yourself ,
which I have already done
to one of the abusers that I  had met  before,
I will say I remember it all
and my body doesn't forgive!

As the jewish new year comes around
in a few weeks,
I can count on my fingers all the sins that
all these horrific monsters of men
did to me ,
because men like these,
they aren't real men
they are monsters who pertend to be men.

מלמעלה אני רואה את הכל אבל פתאום נשבר לי הלב עם כל הכוחות שיש לי ואין לי מה לעשות עם זה

From above I see everything, but suddenly my heart breaks with all the strengths that  I have and I can't do anything about it.