Dear stupid useless emotions,
I hate you
with a burning passion.
Passion, why are you even around?
All you do is make me over sensitive on my worst days
quickly wearing on my thinly stretched mind.
Hate why do I rely on you so much?
I swear you are the one I turn to the most.
You surround me in a comforting blanket of fire.
I love and hate you.
Love, you do nothing but cause me pain and yet just like Hate
you make me feel warm.
Jealousy, you are the monster that lives in me.
I try to escape you, but you follow this hollow soul of mine
no matter where it runs to.
Lust, you aren’t even on my radar.
Sure you make me
infatuated with people
but the thing is I don’t really care who you like or want me to like,
it’s not happening.
Fear, I have a few words for you. Get the **** out.
I fear nothing.
Pride, what the hell are you doing?
You take over my mind seeping into my crevices
and I can’t truly get over you.
You turn me into one of the ****** bags I always despised.
Wrath, you seem to make up the very essence of my being and I hate it.
I hate you but you protect me like no one else can.
How do I live with you?
How do I live with the knowledge of your darkness?
Wrath and Pride,
you turn me into the monster I swore I’d never be.
You protect me and push everyone away before they can even
glimpse the real me.
Protecting my heart and all it’s secrets.
Protecting the me behind the mask.
Dear stupid useless emotions,
I need you the way I need air to breathe, to keep my heart beating,
to stay alive.
Just. One. More. Day

They say Leprechauns
waiting with pots of gold at the end of the rainbow
are nothing but myths
They say there is no end to rainbows
but I say
follow your dreams
and go catch your Leprechaun
find your *** of gold
hidden deep within the meadow
and you’ll find
the end of your rainbow was worth the chase

This hunger plaguing my body is . . .
Terrifying
and all consuming.
Nothing
will satisfy this . . .
Starvation
no amount of food can quell this hunger.
Just thinking about meat
makes me want to throw up until
the very thought is
buried in the ***** on the floor beneath me.
Thinking about fruit,
my favorite green apples,
and I want to throw up until
the very thought is
buried in the ***** of thoughts on the floor beneath me.
Thinking about food in general,
even my favorites,
and still
all I want to do is
***** out the taste of such
Vile thoughts.
Even so I frantically search for food.
Nothing is appealing
still I take a bite of an apple.
Swallowing I grimace,
my belly grumbles,
and I feel sick.
No matter the things I scarf down
it comes right back around
soon after.
I miss ice cream and meat
yet at the thought
my mouth waters as my throat constricts
just waiting to retch up the contents of my stomach.
Even when there’s nothing left.
And yet all the while
my belly grumbles,
Starving for something.

This friendship is fraying
at the edges
holes and tears are forming
throughout the fabric
and everything good is starting to slip
through the cracks falling
and drowning in the Never sea
turning to myth
never found at the bottom
just like Nessy
and what’s left is slowly turning to dust
rotten and fragile
nothing seems to get better
it’s all just temporary patchwork
just to keep it together for a little longer
and when it unravels
you loosely stitch it together
with unskilled fingers
staining the already thinly stretched fabric
and all I want is to fix things
but you can’t seem to let me bring it up
you just walk away
and call me a ***** well I’m sorry
for trying to fix things
I’m sorry I don’t want to lose this
I’m sorry I’m not what you want
you call me useless
but I’m just so used to keeping quiet that my
voice no longer seems to work
and I don’t know why you can’t see that
you’re the reason
I’m broken

Hurt
without moving.
Poison
without touching.
Bear the
truth and the lies.
And are not to be judged
by their size.

Secrets
we all have them
and denying that fact is stupid
no matter how close you are with someone
there’s still
something you haven’t said
and will probably never admit to
and if you have great
but likeliness is whoever knows is sworn to secrecy
and nobody else knows
in fact you’d probably **** to keep it safe
destroy those who shouldn’t know
and bury the ashes
see the thing about secrets
is that it’s the most
precious
part of who we are
it’s the thing that made us who we are
and continually molds us even now
because you see
our secrets are the very monsters
we created
that lurk within us at all times
it’s the rawest form of our very essence
and too much of ourselves
to simply give away
it’s that selfish, greedy part of our souls
that claw at our insides
and whisper
as sweetly and darkly as shadows and honey
driving us insane
and unbearably reckless
never caring what it is that soothes the burn
just that it’s dulled
but the thing is the weight of it comes
crashing back down on you
and forces you to your knees holding you captive
with it’s icy fingertips
and brands itself on you with burning eyes
paving the way for
guilt and fear
becoming the new guiding light
and north star of your moral compass
let me tell you
nothing good comes from this compass
it doesn’t lead you to paradise
nor does it lead you into the silent escape you long for
hell it’s job is to claw
it’s way through your soul
bursting free from the prison of your body
and dance to beat of your
slow destruction

Honestly
I just want someone
who loves me
for me
someone who sees all of my
flaws and scars
and won't run away
gently kissing them instead
slowly, lightly, trailing
gentle fingertips across the maps of my skin
and whisper in my ear
of far away lands
and childhood memories
until we fall asleep
hands between our bodies
fingers interlaced and legs tangled in the sheets
I want endless nights
of pure bliss and rough nights
I want our ups
as well as our downs because that's part of love
I want the lows just as much
as the highs
because without it
I would never properly appreciate the highs
and without the lows
I would forget how good
happiness feels
I want to get drunk on your
Kisses
and high on your
Touch
fall asleep to the sound of your
Heartbeat
sway to the sound of your
Voice
losing myself in your
Eyes
I want to whisper my secrets in your
Ear
and reminisce with you
about growing up,
first loves, and memories we created
I want to dive into your mind
and learn you
from the inside out
curling up and snuggling into your crevices
I'll make my home there
baring myself for you just as you've done for me