Does it make you happy?
Do you enjoy my pain?
I'd call you a sadist
but that isn't a strong enough word.
I want to disgrace you,
The way you disgraced me.

Coward.

I want you to hurt.
I want you to feel humiliated,
Violated.
I will leave you feeling
as ***** as you left me.
Think of it as payback.

As you once said to me,
*Just shut up, you like it.

I was a tragedy
But you thought
I was a comedy

When I was little,
I wanted to hold the clouds,
to feel them,
to touch the unreachable.

I asked my father if I could,
and he told me,
They were water vapor,
I would never be able to hold them.

But i still reached for the sky,
hoping that he was wrong,
I hoped that maybe someday,
I would rest my head in the clouds.

With every breath,
You exhale fear.
With every gasp,
You inhale death.

When there are storms,
and the rains beats relentless
against the cool glass panes,
and the rumbles of thunder
shake the walls i've built;
I curl up in bed
with a favorite book
and a steaming,
fragrant cup of tea
and think, perhaps,
*It is almost a good life.

I asked you to wait for me.
Many say, "Don't hold your breath."
They call me a wild card,
A damaged, dangerous creature.
I'm the kind of girl
who will hold your head under water
That is what they think.
Wait for me, though.
Hold your breath for I will be back,
if only to drown you.

She whispers in my ear;
her laughter echoes coldly in my mind.
Skeletal, beautiful.
I want to be her.
I can never be her.
She slinks around,
winning all the attention.
I hate her.
I hate me.
She has driven me to this.
She is self hatred.

Watch your body fall to pieces.
It will not be the first to give up on you,
but it won't be the last, either.

When your nose bleeds,
resist the urge to scream.
It is only because all you've eaten
in the past three days was a grape.
Calcium deficiency.

Your skin will turn yellow
and your nails will be brittle.
It's not beautiful.
You will not look like the plastic
photo lies on the magazine covers.

Your body is consuming itself.
Maybe it sounds like poetry,
but it tastes like fear.
The fear of gaining weight,
the fear of not being perfect.

Your heart will weaken,
your kidneys could fail,

If you die of anorexia nervosa,
it will not be beautiful.
It will not be poetic.
It is grotesque and painful.
The doctors will shove tubes down your throat
just to keep you alive,
while your mind screams,
we can't have those calories

How do you waste away?
It's easy to do.
Hate every piece of yourself
until it's so small you can't feel it.

There are no boundaries
      in this world
Only the walls that we create.
      Socially acceptable questions
with socially predictable answers,
    * Stay in the box
             color in the lines
                   follow directions *
There are no boundaries
        in this world

The other day
my dad asked if
I am happy
and I didn't know
how I could answer
and I couldn't lie
but I couldn't worry him
there was a long silence
I took a deep breath
and said
I'm doing my best

Your human emotions.
Ones and zeros,
they do not encompass
each nuance of you ephemeral experience.
You write of love,
of lust,
of happiness.
I cannot understand or
change these words to nothing more
than binary code.
I want to feel your emotions,
even the negative ones.
Fear,
despair,
hope,
love.
It does not compute
with my circuits.

Snakes
Being alone forever
The dining room table
The mysterious food in my fridge
Inadequacy
Nail salons
Being forgotten
Alleys in the dead of night

I knew I was in love with you
the night I sobbed because
you were so far away
and I couldn't run to your
arms when I was hurting.

And it miserable

"Because I could not stop for death-
He kindly stopped for me."
It was horrific,
A kind of backwards birth;
A gulp for air,
A pitiful sob,
The intimate undoing.
Death may have stopped for me,
But it wasn't me he took.

When I opened my eyes to the world,
Everything was beautiful and new.
But now everything seems tarnished,
Nothing sparkles like it did.
Time passed and the beauty faded.

I would have done anything for him,
Does it make me a bad person?
We all knew the truth,
But no one dared to speak a word.
The little lies and bruises floated by.

Save yourself, is what they said,
Even if they didn't say it.
But I thought it was true,
That it was better how it was.
I thought he was beautiful.

You have one unheard message
Hey. It's me. Just wanted to say I love you. Have a nice day at work. Call me when you're on your way, okay?

You have two unheard messages
Hey. It's me again. Where are you? I miss you. It's late and I'm cold and you aren't here.

I know you're sad, but you can't do this. It's not how things work. Please don't leave me alone. Just... Just answer your phone, **** it. I need you. You're important.

You have three unheard messages
Why'd you do it? I needed you. I need you. It's a joke right? A prank? Well, it's not funny anymore. I need you back. I just... I just want to hear your voice again. You're so beautiful. Please come back to-

I ran out of time. I just want you back. Why did you do this?  I want to see you again. I need to see you again. But not like at your funeral. Like you were when you lived.

They said I have to stop calling you. I don't know how to stop. I love you. I can't do this without you. But don't worry, love, I'll see you again soon, it's only a matter of minutes until we're together.

You have no new messages

I can't sleep with
            The sound of your
                   h e a r t  b e a t
          in my
                   e
                      a
                         r
                            s

You made me promise
that I wouldn't fall apart
when you were gone.
You made me promise
to eat when I needed to,
to draw like I always did,
and not to cry too much.

But the spiderweb cracks
only lead to shattering
far worse than a simple break.
I guess I broke my promise
because I can't breathe
without your scent in my lungs.

I know I promised to stay whole,
but this is one promise
that I cannot keep.

You're trying your best.
It's okay,
I promise.

This world has teeth
and it will try to chew you up
but we're not its food.

You're trying your best,
and that is what keeps us
alive to run another day
from the bite of the world.

It's been a long night,
The lavishly dressed rich, with their expensive clothes,
party like there's nothing wrong in the world.
I hide my bruises, and offer hors d'oeuvers.
Servitude has not been kind.
Mistakes are not tolerated.
Life as a servant has left me feeling like a lampshade,
Useful, but rarely noticed.
I offer a convincing smile,
They prefer to ignore the sadness.
They drink away the pain,
And party away life.
Life's more playful,
If you pretend nothing hurts,

I'm fairly sure I don't need a degree
to tell you what's wrong with me.

It's a pretty long list,
I'm pretty messed up, huh?

I don't need to hire a doctor
to tell me I hate myself and why.
I can name each and every reason why.

I don't need a doctor
to tell me I'm traumatized from my past.
My nightmares assure me well enough.

I don't want to talk about it,
I don't want your medicine.
I'm not alright and that's okay.

Don't you agree that human beings are truly disgusting creatures?

They drank the wine of life,
The sweetness, the good times,
A glass half full, or a glass half empty.
They picked it up and poured away the good
and the hope that had colored the glass.
Nothing was left but an empty glass.

To be honest,
when I ran my hands through the flame,
I somewhat hoped that I would catch fire
and turn to ashes,
to blow away in the wind
and never come back.
*but it just burned

I once knew a man who called me trash,
and after that, worthless,
with some lovely expletives in between.

I was hurt, yes,
but the truth hurts,
does it not?

I nodded my head,
I knew the truth.

The truth...
the truth was a lie,
and my lies were truth.

All was fine,
and I was worthless.

The truth was a lie,
and my lies were truth.

I no longer know
what is real and what's not.

All was fine,
and I was worthless.

You think you're so righteous.
But God knows she's not a doctor.
Do doctors know they aren't god?

I'm trying so hard to
keep my head above water.
Everything is closing in
and the darkness is settling.
The very process of drowning
makes it harder and harder
not to drown.
He wrapped his hand
around my ankle
and told me that he would
never go down alone.

With every fiber of my being,
I hate you.
I hate what you did to me.
You treated me like a *****,
and called me one, too.
Does a ***** fight like I did?

I ******* hate you with every bone in my body.
I hope someone sets you on fire.
I'm not who I used to be,
because you couldn't control your lust.
You *******, give me back what you stole.
This emptiness burns for your head on a stick.

The violence of how you treated me
is echoed in my hatred for you.
I am not the kind of girl who has such bloodlust.
And yet, I lust for your blood for it will rectify my pain.
My blood spilled on the pavement,
Bruises that blossomed beneath my skin.

I don't see a future me.
A me with kids,
A me getting married,
Me as a lawyer, like I used to want.
I'm not even sure
I'll get through this year.
It's hard to envision a future
when you don't have hope.

"Even your own body hates you,
enough to betray your mind."

The coldest thing
I could have heard
on that day
was what you said.

It was a bad day,
A hot day
full of my burning fear
and your scorching desire.

But what you said was so cold
So cruel
So utterly and completely terrifying
and absolutely humiliating.

"Even your own body hates you,
enough to betray your mind."

Forgive me.
Set me free,
Pray for me.
Hail Mary,
I'm on my knees,
Accept my pleas
Death is free,

Is it the end of an era?
No.
Is it the end of an age?
No.
Is it the end of me?
Maybe.

The end of an ending,
My dear, we've barely begun,
But this has been coming,
The ending must be at the end.

They leave a bad taste,
Bitter on the tongue;
The words I never said.

They fluttered around,
Desperate to escape,
But I swallowed them whole.

I love you,
I hate you,
Please don't go.

I swallowed them,
but it sickened me
to keep them contained.

With a nervous chuckle,
He stammers frantically
about desire.

I sigh and turn away,
Giving his concubine
A little bit of privacy.

It didn't matter anyway.
I never expected
Love to exist.

My expectations were correct.
This is what I get
For caring,