Drip
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Drop

Do you hear it?

No?

Listen closer.

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Can you feel it?

No?

Close your eyes.

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Breathe in.

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Breathe out.

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Drop

Can you hear her voice?

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Drop

Do you know what she's saying?

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Drop

I don't think we should listen.

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Did it just get colder?

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Can you hear it?

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It's coming from the walls...

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What? No, wait--

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Is that..?

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She's at the backdoor.

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N-no, no please!

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It's so quiet.

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I think it's over.

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Wait...

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Do you hear it?

Drip

Drip

Drop

I am what the world was
Before you grasped it between your
Too-warm hands and crushed it into
Nothing more than shrapnel.

You left me there,
With my heart spilling out of my mouth,
With your words tangled up in my throat,
And you told them I was just
"Collateral Damage."

But when I shoved my insides
Back inside
And stitched myself up
With shards of broken glass for a needle
And thread made from nerve endings,
I saw your eyes widen in shock.

You didn't think I had it in me.
You didn't think I'd make it.
You didn't think I would really fight with everything I have.
You didn't think that even if I did, that I'd have enough to win.

You were wrong.

I am the color of your eyes
Before you turned your back and said
"Goodbye."
What I mean is,
I am a shade of something
That is so beautiful,
But could turn so ugly, so quickly,
With a single sneer.

I am the old dog
That reminds you of the dog you grew up with.
I have the same knowing eyes,
The same playful grin.
You look at me,
Eyes filled with anger,
Hands shoving me away from you,
Because you remember doing everything together
With that dog.
You ate together,
Played together,
But one day when you both fell asleep for an afternoon nap,
Only one of you woke up.

I still don't think you've forgiven yourself for that.

"It's raining."

My tears shed for you to stay
Only bounced off you, raining down on me in ricochet.
Now you hate me for not chasing you,
But what was I supposed to do?
I was too busy trying to wade through
All the blood
You let flood
My lungs,
And no matter how many times
My punctured heart begged for a bandage,
You just managed
To blame it on my damage,
And I believed you,
And that's what gave me the will to leave you.

"It's raining."

You always have a way of coming back,
My apologies as I let you back in becoming our soundtrack.

"It's raining."

What would you say?
What would you see?
If I told you "Don't stay,"
If I lied through my teeth:
"You meant nothing to me."

"It's raining."

Sometimes I worry about you,
Living this life without you,
And even though I don't believe the same,
I clasp my hands together, and speak His name.
I desperately call out to your God,
"Even if it's from abroad,
Keep her safe."
And the words rub into my bones,
Your words grate
My bones.
I'm not coming home,
So don't wait up,
Tricking me back with some apology you just made up.

"It's raining."

I sit up at night, hiding behind a paperback,
Greeting the night sky as an insomniac.
I never meant to hurt you,
But I'm never coming back.

"It's raining."

You hurt me,
But then he heard me.
And urged me
To love my injuries
Back to sanity,
And he turned me
Back to the me
You took without mercy,
Despite my desperate pleas.
But he held my hand and squeezed,
Told me I'm not a disease,
That it's safe now, I can come back to me.

"It's raining"

Instead, I came back to him,
Whoever I was when I was yours becoming a mere psuedonym.

"It's raining."

He brings me home from the other side,
Holding my hand through the longs nights,
While I learn to become our light.
He reminds me to stay alive,

It's raining.

Dad, you always told me
"Don't open that door."
You would say the same words to my brother,
But they didn't mean the same thing.
When you said them to him,
They were a warning.
When you said them to me,
They were a threat.

Dad, you always looked at me
Like I was the problem.
Like I am the reason things got bad.
That I asked for this,
All of this.

Dad, you always looked at me
Like I was the reason mom got sick,
Like I was the reason you couldn't keep a job,
Like I was the reason we lost every house, every apartment, and every picture that reminded us that there was a time when things were good.

Dad, you always looked at me
Like I was the poison,
Not the ***** in your coffee mug,
Not the bugs crawling out of the floorboards,
Not the choices you made.

Dad, you always looked at me
Like I was the reason big brother won't come home.
Like I was the reason your family got torn apart.
But we were never a family, dad. Not really.

Dad, you always looked at me
Like if it wasn't for me
Mom would be so much more alive
Than she is right now.
Like if it wasn't for me,
Your youngest son, my youngest brother,
Wouldn't have spent that Christmas in the hospital,
And we'd still have that apartment.

Dad, you always looked at me
Like I carried everything bad about you
On my shoulders, and that was my own fault.

Dad, you always looked at me
Like I could have closed the door at anytime.
Like I purposely wandered into that room.
Like I meant to be this way.
Like I wanted this.

Dad, you always looked at me
Like it was my own fault
That I was born with the door ripped off its hinges
And that I entered the room of my own volition,
When we both know that was where I was born.

Dad, you always looked at me
Like I was a waste of potential.
Like me being alive
Was your punishment
For all the bad things you've done.

Dad, mom always tells me
How much I look like you.
How I have all your good traits.

Dad, mom always looks at me
Like I could save us.
Like I could bring back the light.
Like I just only need a chance.

Dad, you always told me
That the only person you'd listen to
About your drinking and cruelty
Was me.

Dad, you never listened.

Dad, every time I told you
That I didn't feel safe,
That I was scared,
That I didn't want to be alive,
You always looked at me
Like you didn't understand why I thought you would care.

Dad, when I was little,
You looked at me like
I held stars in my palms.
Like I could do anything.
Like I was worth everything.

Dad, I didn't mean it.
Dad, I really tried to make it go away.

Dad, I'm sorry.

You lay in bed
Melting your mind
With video games.

Video games that you use too often
As an outlet
Video games that you pay more attention to than you do me,
Even during our designated "let's actually spend time together" time.

Electronics are SOOO
Much more important.
Whether it be your phone mid-conversation with me,
Making you have to ask me to repeat myself (for the third time in five minutes) because you were distracted.
Or whether it be your video games,
That you focus so intently on,
With so much more focus than you have
EVER given me.

But interupting things is rude, right?
My asking for your full attention while you play your ******* games
Is so rude, right?

Go **** yourself.

I am not a hobby,
I am not a book,
I am not a toy.

You cannot just pick me up and put me back when you're bored with me.

I am human and I am alive and I need to be more than just a passing glance or an after thought.

These games,
They are hobbies.

You seem to be confused.

Today,
I woke up,
And for the first time since March,
I have contemplated the pros and cons
Of ending my life.

Today,
I woke up,
And realized that there are parts of this world,
People in this world,
That would have been and would still be
Better off without me.

Today,
I woke up,
And no snoring puppy,
No purring cat,
No cawing crow
Could penetrate the deafening silence
That has taken my soul hostage.

Today,
I woke up,
And I realized that there are things you've never seen
That I wish I had never seen.

Today,
I woke up,
And thought of all the ways
I am not enough.

Today,
I woke up,
And gave names to all my failures and faults.

Today,
I woke up,
And saw how far I still have to go.

But

Today,
I woke up,
And for the first time in my life I realized
That I am worth something.
That I don't deserve to feel this way.
That there is no sin I have commited that is so great
To earn the ire of a world that never loved me.

Today,
I woke up,
And realized that there are people whose hands I will never hold again,
But the shade of their eyes
And the spark in their smile,
Will forever be held in my heart,
Wherever they may be,
Whoever's hands they may be holding
Or whoever sparks their smile next.

Today,
I woke up,
And I forced myself to move
And I forced myself to shower
And I forced myself to take my pills and drink some water
And start my day.
I forced myself to listen to music that doesn't make me want to rip my heart out.

Today,
I woke up,
And I knew in my bones that
I am more than my past,
And I am more than my pain,
And I am more than anyone ever expected me to become.

Today,
I woke up,
And looked deep into my brown eyes,
And counted every streak of yellow, every flare of red, every speck of black.
I took in a deep breath and reminded myself
That I am a work in progress,
But I am coming along so beautifully.

Today,
I woke up,
And remembered that the most important thing
About being strong,
Is surviving.
I remembered that I have crossed through hell and high water
And back again
And my skin is still mine,
And my bones are still mine,
No matter who has tried to take me from myself,
That I am still my own, if nothing else.

I remembered that the strongest and most important thing I can do
Is walk right by death,
And look my demons straight in the eye and say:

*"Today, I woke up."

Sometimes,
Usually at the worst times,
It becomes painfully obvious,
How very different we are.

You're never going to love me
The way I love you.
And I'm never going to be the
Type of sane, the type of stable
That you want.

It isn't that we're not compatible.
It isn't that we don't love each other.

It is simply that
We are very, very different.

I realized this last night.

From our interactions.
From you barely showing affection.
Ftom you only kissing my lips five times since you got home.
From your reluctancy to provide me comfort.

From how the words "I love you" and "I need you" and "I want you around"
Kept getting caught in my throat
And instead came out
As mangled "I'm sorry"'s.

Because I am sorry.
I'm sorry I have loved you for so long.
I am sorry that I desire a love and affection from you
That it seems you cannot give.
That, at the very least, you cannot give to me.

I am sorry for trying to force my way through your walls.
I am sorry for trying to make you love me
The way I love you.
That was too much to ask.

I am sorry for relying on you.
I am sorry for trying to make you care for me
More than anyone really should.

I am sorry about all the problems I've given you.
All the pain I've caused.

I am sorry.

I can assure you, it will not happen again.