The other day,
You told me that you think
We'll always be together.
That even in death,
We will be together in spirit.

I smiled in that sad way I have a habit of,
And I tried to remind you
That you don't believe in any of that stuff.

You were quiet for what felt too long.

And then you said,
"I believe in true love."

Today I checked the mail,
And there was an envelope.
It was addressed to us, as a family.

I have never been part of
A genuine family before.
I have never been part of something
That doesn't deteriorate and fall apart.

Before looking at that envelope,
I had never realized how badly
I wanted that.

And while I still don't know how to stay,
And I'm afraid I never will,
And I'm terrified that I can't,

The idea of leaving is becoming
Much less feasible
And much harder to think about.

I remember how it felt
When I looked at you
Before your eyes met mine,
When I saw you again
After seven (gruesome) years.

It felt very final.
I knew I loved you,
But I kept thinking
All through out lunch,
"This is it. The end all, be all."

The thing is, I knew.
I knew that when I saw you
While I was crossing the street
From the apartment complex to the restaurant, while my heart was exploding
With giddy butterflies, that this was it.
That it was you.
That there wasn't going to be anyone else.
And maybe there never was.

At least, not for me.

I looked at you the same way on Saturday afternoon.
It felt very final.
Even though I felt like there were a thousand sirens going off in my head,
There was one part of my mind that was silent, save for one fact.
That it was you.
That it had always been you.
There never was anyone else.

At least, not for me.

I'm not like you.
We're two very different creatures,
I tried to tell you this after I placed the things
I felt the need to return to you on our bed.
I tried to tell you that you deserve someone like you.
Because you do.
You deserve, at the very least, to be understood.

I am not like you.
I do not have primal, instinctual attraction.
I cannot look at others as though they
Are plausible mates.
I can't do this, because they aren't.
I have you, and only you.

I am not like you.
You, who can set down roots
And make a home out of wherever
Your head rests.

I cannot root myself,
I don't know how to have a home.
I've got wandering in my blood,
My bare feet were made for running away.
I don't know how to make roots.
I don't think I ever knew.

On Saturday (and every day since),
I have looked at you with the same finality that I had when I saw you again for the first time.
The same love.
The same longing to be able to make you my home.
The same remorse and guilt I always feel when I have to get up and leave what I love, because I simply cannot stay.

Because I don't know how to have a home, and it is a fools game to try to make a home out of a person.

I was trying to leave, because people like me don't deserve people like you. People like you, who are good and patient and compassionate, and have hearts made from gold, and souls stitched from clouds. People like you shouldn't spend time on people like me. People like me, who are petty and volatile and selfish, and have broken glass for hearts and souls made out of ash and smoke.

I was trying so hard to do the right thing,
For once.
To be selfless,
For once.
To give you a chance at a better life.

But then, with tears in your eyes,
You asked me to stay.

And I don't know why you would want someone like me to stay. Someone who runs as far as they can, constantly. Someone who can't make the sun come out from behind the clouds.

But when I looked at you,
I hated myself for putting so much dark pain in your bright blue eyes.

So, I looked at you like I've been looking at you. I took in every detail. I took note of every part of your face I had never told you I loved, even though I do. Like the bridge of your nose, or your cheek bones or the way your eyelashes brush against your cheeks when you blink, or how your hair sometimes curls into a swoop on your forehead. Or how your eyebrows are never really all that messed up but you always have at least one hair sticking out of place. Or how your jaw tightens when you're upset and trying to control it, and it makes your chin poke out just a little bit. Or how you flatten your lips into a line when you're thinking, or when you bite them when you're trying not to feel.

Or how your tears made the blue in your eyes brighter, and it reminded me what it was about rain I used to find so beautiful.

I was looking at you, and have been looking at you,
Like it was the last time.
Because you never know when that will come.

So, I was selfish.

And even though I had caused those tears, you asked me to stay.

And I don't know how to stay.
I don't think I ever did.

But for you, I could learn.

I love each and every part of you,
Piece by piece,
Atom by atom.

I fall deeper into this darkness,
And as it tries to consume my every thought,
I feel your nails digging into my wrist,
Your fingers only tightening your grip.

I'm coming undone,
All the progress I've made,
Slipping through the cracks
In my surface.

Most people can't feel anything
When they get this way.

But I feel everything.

And even though I feel
Burdensome
And
Unwanted,

I also feel
An intense love for you,
Even still.

I just want you to hold me closer,
To hold my hand even when it's over.

These medications let me sleep through the night,
But they also make me want to sleep through the day.
I'm sorry I can't be better
In any way.

But I know you only hold on tighter,
And I know you just want me to get better,
But I'll never be 100%.
I'll never be entirely okay or normal,
Just as close as modern medicine
Can get.

But maybe if I let myself trust you,
Maybe if I open back up,
I can still be the me
That you fell in love with.

Or maybe I'll just fall apart,
Piece by piece,
Atom by atom.

It feels like being swallowed whole by the ocean,
Except the ocean is made of sand and mulch.

It's when I feel like I'm falling apart,
And my subconscious won't let you reach me.

It's when I just don't know what's wrong,
So I'd rather tell you nothing is,
So you stop trying to fix it.

But I feel myself falling apart,
And all I want is to be more
Put together
For you.

But guilt wears me thin,
It keeps going at me
Long after I've given up.

I'm just not okay.

I don't know how to break the news to you,
But I think this has become terminal.

I can't just erase my scars with ointment,
Get a shot,
And pop some pills daily,
And be entirely cured.

The pills keep it at bay,
Farther than it would be.

But I'm a ticking time bomb.
Without the pills,
I would have already gone off.

With them,
It only pushes off the inevitable.

I will be better,
Better than before.
Better than this.
Better, in a respect.

But I will never actually
Get better,
Will I?

I don't know how to break the news to you,
But I think I've become terminal.

It doesn't feel real,
That you love me.
That I'm yours.
That you're mine.
That we've got rings on our fingers.

I look at you,
And it's like a dream.
Not like my usual ones.
It's like pixie dust and fairy glitter.
It's like the morning dew and budding wild flowers.
It's like the taste of honeysuckle and too-strong green tea.

I feel your hand on my hand
Or your hand on my thigh
Or your hands on my hips,
Or your hand running through my hair,
As innocently as possible,
And I feel like I belong.
I belong right there,
Beside you.

And that's why it scares me.

There is a ray of golden sun,
I know there is.
I just have to find it.
It drives me to keep going.
It drives me to be stronger
Than that part of me that screams that I should listen.
That pulls and tugs on my heart-strings
And tells me that no one will miss me when I'm gone.

There is a ray of golden sun.
I know there is.
I've seen it.
It keeps my head above the opaque black water,
It keeps me warm against the pitch dark tundra.
It keeps me whole when I feel bitterly brittle,
And when I'm about to break.

There is a ray of golden sun,
I know there is.
I can feel it.
It's soft unlike my thoughts,
Which are jagged and cruel and splinter painfully into my heart.
It's sturdy unlike my shaking figure,
Shivering from the anxiety and wracked with painful sobs.

There is a ray of golden sun,
I know there is.
I've almost caught it in a jar once.
When I was falling into pieces of storm clouds and dust,
I chased after it, knowing that if I caught it,
I wouldn't need the lightning anymore,

There is a ray of golden sun,
I know there is.
I recognize it in your eyes,
Behind the blue.
I know that's what it is because
It goes away when you're too tired,
Or when you're upset about something.
But it comes back when you're happy,
Or when I make you laugh.

There is a ray of golden sun,
I know there is.