you fell in love with the way i made you feel comfortable & the way i laughed with you. you fell in love with how light we felt while holding hands & eating eggs in bed on Sunday mornings. you fell in love with the world i showed you.

but you did not fall in love with me.



A.

let’s climb the roof and watch the sunrise together
he smiled and didn’t forget the coffee or doughnuts

let’s go to the beach in our bathing suits, sun kissed glow and wine coolers
he nodded in agreement and went to start the car

let’s eat pancakes lathered in maple syrup and hot butter
he walked out wearing pj’s

let’s ride all the roller coasters and munch on candied apples
he was the first one in line

let’s have chinese on the hood of the car because the day was a bad one
he made sure i had room for matcha mochi ice-cream in the end

let’s go to the nearest museum on a Sunday morning
he didn’t complain he had bought them the night before

let’s have brunch downtown before anyone wakes up
he brought me to a place where omelettes came in the shape of hearts

let’s watch Sinister on a Friday night minutes before midnight rolls around
he held my hand throughout the whole thing

let’s head out and have a spa day
he agreed to a ****** and pedicure

let’s stay at home, bake sweets and talk by the fire
he taught me the secret to his chunky chocolate chip cookies

let’s sit on the porch and count the stars
he held me tight and told me that i looked beautiful

let’s promise to love, care, cherish and trust each other forever he said
i smiled and knew i had met the one.
A.

young girls and women stay in toxic, unhealthy relationships because they think it’s love.
we call getting scolded in public for walking too fast love.
when we hear “you’re not going out in that, you want attention” we think, “wow, he thinks i’m so beautiful, i’m so in love, he wants me all for himself.”
no. he’s not being protective and he’s not in love or he would proudly hold your hand with a smile on his face, but more importantly a smile on your face down that sidewalk and not worry about whether your shirt came up a little too much past your belly button or if your shorts were too short, who cares? you thought. but you change because you think he loves you.
but you shouldn’t be tugging at your shirt the next time you wear it out again, you shouldn’t be throwing those shorts away because of a man who doesn’t know what love is.
laughter and bliss is the medicine. you both would agree.
so forced happiness and smiles is what the world sees. you know that.
fake social media posts about how their man treats them so good and it doesn’t get better than him and how they are so happy, the happiest they’ve ever been. so so happy.
the people closest to you see otherwise.
i know those songs will remind you of him, i know how long it took you to put together a playlist, knowing he wouldn’t appreciate it as much as you would have liked him to. i know that scent you smelled reminded you of him and that certain time of the year is painful because that’s where it all started.
you and him.
the chaos.
hurt people hurt people.
you both poke and say the things knowing it’s gonna hurt there.
you use words like weapons until one day, the hurtful stinging words aren’t enough.
your arms are pulling back, ready to punch, hit, whatever is spitting out those disgusting words.
then you both realize..
the person who you thought was your protecter, your friend, a role model, is none of those things.
they want to see you cry because then they know, they are in control.
that can shape you and form you into whatever they want.
you let them because you think it’s love.
to the girl wondering why she isn’t enough, to the girl crying off her leftover mascara from last nights arguments.
to the girl who thinks she will never find better because she’s convinced she is so in love with a boy who will replace her the next time she walks out because her instincts tell her to.
he doesn’t love you.
he will say he’s only human and everybody make mistakes.
he’s not love.
your gut is trying to tell you that you are not happy.
please listen.
those moments of anger are going to keep happening.
he will do more and more to hurt you and he knows he can because you let it happen.
you let it happen.
nobody is left to feel bad for you anymore.
because in the end, you let it happen.
this is a sign you need to walk away, i know there were some happy moments, full of laughter but remember how he never wiped your tears away or how he kept doing the one thing you said not to do. how he yelled so loud knowing you hate loud noises because they remind you of the painful times. how he made you do the things you didn’t want to do. how you thought you were saving a falling angel but you didn’t see how the demons were smiling at your cracking heart when you leaned in for a make up hug...
how he left your soul cold.
remember the nights when you couldn’t fall asleep because you knew he was getting over you and it killed a little piece of your heart.
you kept killing your heart and now you’re scared of letting your fragile walls down for someone else but you don’t wanna know someone else.
to the girl with tears in her eyes looking at a phone screen reading this
take a deep breath.
leave.
don’t look back.
stick to loving yourself until someone that knows how to love, that is capable of true love comes to save you from your suffering.
you will find love,
heal yourself.
find yourself.
to me:
read this again please,
and remember the hurt.
A.

hurting everyone around me
while i hurt myself
toxic
everyone is being punished
for my stupidity
my scaredness
my lack of control
my complaints
me
me
me
it's all me
but i'll fix it,
ill re-gain control
soon,
nobody will be hurting because of me
they’ll be smiling as i watch in the distance,
overtaken by the shadows
my tears falling to the ground like leaves on an autum day
i had to leave
i couldnt stay
all i can do is try take other peoples pain away and make it mine now
you all deserve better
i am not better yet
but i will be
A.

late at night
i lie awake
thinking of things i wish i would say
and i’ll the mistakes i’ve made
and all the sign i should have read.
then i think about what i can’t live without
you,  
front and center on my mind
sometimes it feels like halfway love
almost, but not quite
i gave you the term, almost lover
it suits you almost perfect
still,
parts of you make me feel whole
reminding me who i am and who i need to be
i think of the love letters that are now tore up
how i wish they weren’t torn up
feelings of blue and gray
when i am without you
is when i feel the closest to you
blank page,
artless innocence
i realized how dependent i’ve grown to you
and feel the need to create a distance
and i realized even more that i was in love when you hurt me
so i loved even more
toxic.
they say for the ones in love
love the hardest when there’s nothing to love at all
painfully and slowly that became true
but you see if you never spend quality time with your woman and feed her soul consistently,
she will never be truly happy
sometimes i look up at the lilac sky
and wonder if you’re looking too
i gaze at the colors and all the beauty of it all
thought it’s beauty would never compare to you
A.