Sadness creaks through the crevices of my heart
Black
Slick
Oil
I'd been happy for a long while
So long in fact
I'd forgotten how it felt
I'd forgotten how it tasted
A bitter mellow felt coating my tongue
Unwanted red velvet
It shrivels from the world
Erasing itself from the history of spoken words
Vocal communication
My voice box and its chords disintegrate
Deeming me unworthy of speech
The order passed by my forgotten friend
Signed and decreed by my weary ears
Who are tired of hearing me talk
The muffled cries have turned into a broken record  
My mind has stopped printing
Because it's tired of reading my thoughts
Marking them down and making them semi permanent on paper
A Mache record spinning under my needle tongue
Cranking out dismal beats and notes
The morning dew deflates and turns to a mood ruining gray
The sun shines white
Colors run through my field of vision
As if somehow
They've got somewhere more important to be
Instead of bringing my life color
The necessary pop
The only excitement
And here I am hands splayed
Flabbergasted
Trying to convince these things
That are on the scientific spectrum
Of things that the human eye can see
That I'm worth letting me
See them
But even the crystal pale brown of my eyes
Seep through my skin
Just to turn into a glacier
Monochrome color

I spun a fine metal string
I took four corners of my heart
Smoothing them out
With rarely loving hands
I attached the key to my newly minted kite
Out into the storm I swirled
Climbing the glass hill
So many fine lined fractures
I could find at least several sonnets
If only I stooped low enough to read
But alas I've crested my checkpoint
Outstretched you are
Thunderheads dominating the sky
Flashes of light
But my heart still flies on
Unhindered
Paper thin
Right where it's supposed to be
The key flailing gaily
Pure darkness
But sometimes darkness
It can be the brightest thing ever
And it's finally struck its mark
The X has been found
The electricity outlining your delicate veins
I never realized how pretty you were
Smoke curls out of my mouth
Stunned and dazed
Tendrils flowing freely
Dregs of adrenaline
Flooding out of my system  
I never knew that I could feel this way
I never knew
As I lay upon the ground
Watching my hearted kite drop gracefully
Shriveled and burned to a crisp
How important you were to me
Until we were struck
So in our dying moments as you finally reach me
I fold my arms carefully across you
Pressing you into my chest as if I could undo what I did
And we watch the storm rage
As everything slowly melts
Into a velvety soft black
And as one


We stop beating

Mushrooms

They're a tricky sort
I thought that these were the ones
That were safe to eat
But now I've kinda  tripped over my untied shoe lace
And into this vortex of color
Spinning down the base of the funnel
Down a multi colored memory lane
Up the base of a skeletons tap dancing spine
Over I went
And across I go
Pulled under by a pulsating fist of color
I honestly shouldn't have eaten it I guess
Isn't that how most things start out?
I didn't think that it would've been that bad of an idea
I see your smile in the fading rays of a neon rainbow
I smell your laugh as the first rain droplets splatter
Onto this earths crust
I keep swirling through these doorways of color
I'm trying to debate on whether or not I wanna be here
I don't have that much of a choice
Because I watch as my being shatters into three dimensional cubes
Memories splayed out on their surfaces
Regrets on the bottom face
Happiness on the top face
Sadness on the side
And rage remains on the last face
And in the center of that cube
Lays aspirations and dreams
Hopes and wants and needs
These are a few of my favorite things
My past is melting into a shaded future
God I should've checked
Before I let my hunger get the best of me
These colors sharpen my memories
The ones that already hurt without needing help
They soften the bitter edges
A cacophony of impossibility
I think I like mushrooms

I love your eyes
I really do I don't tell you that often
If I made an honest love poem
It would be me telling you
That I wanna ****** you
With the simplicity of words and imagery
To paint the finest things that you've ever seen
Only using a flourish of an ink pen
Things that we both relate to
That we both see
I don't wanna just ****** what's in your pants
Honestly I could care less about that
I don't give a **** about it
Because love
I wanna ****** your soul
I wanna be the pied piper
That causes your laughter to dance
Through the roiling green mountain doors
Over the crooked floor
If you ever feel like you're falling
Its fine
I'm just your safety line in a roaring sea
At least I thought I was
Right now I can't really tell if you've turned into the sea
And I've turned into a helpless overboard passenger
But I know that I wanna name each and every single laugh
After a fallen star
Not the stars that sing
Prancing on the silver lined edge of a stage
The stars that tell us secrets
But only the ones who listen long enough
Patiently waiting
For knowledge to bestow their ears
That's what I wanna hear from your laugh
I wanna be dumbstruck
Simply because you smiled at me
The wind never blows against you
Or away from you
Because you
That's just how amazing you are  
That it curls and follows at your heels
That it wants to follow you
And when you snicker
Heaven collapses
And hell
Hell implodes
Because the devil himself
He gets down on his knees because your snicker
Is just so holy that heaven can't exist because of it
And hell can't coincide peacefully with it
Because it'll never be able to pump out enough evil
To even conquer the pureness
Or to even hope to defeat
The wholesome goodness of that single snicker
That I out of all of the people on this planet
Have gotten you to emit
Thank you for making my frost bitten days warm again

Hoarfrost clinging delicately
To the flower
That it oh so loves
The flower begrudgingly
Accepts its biting cold embrace
Petals stiffly turning up in euphoria
Realizing that its life is being leeched away
But it still smiles
Because the colder the hoarfrost gets
The happier it is
And that's all that matters to the Flower
Its happiness
This is only a part of love
An innocently toxic love
Coaxingly sweet
Forbiddingly in love
And preserved in eternity
Because even with its last breath
The hoarfrost
Will still maintain and keep its beauty
Forever to be admired and worshipped
Daintily beautiful

Young at heart
It wasn't serious
Laughs were swapped
Like loose change over a counter top
Looking at myself
I no longer hated
The image that was reflected back at me
Off of the waters glass surface
Because I saw you
I loved seeing you
And you loved seeing me
Because seeing you
Was like seeing home
Until once upon a day
I stared back at myself
Twas not you
Soon after
Twas not I either
Your love wasn't always unconditional
Or provided
But when it came to my love
Anything was fixable
With my driftwood heart
Floating by on the ripples
The after effects of your smile
A pebble dropping into the sound that was your laugh
I studied it
So meticously
I went over every fine line
Every grain of sand
Crooked fingers
Crooked smile
Broken to the bit of your smile
Casting you a crown
From the moons own rays
Lost at sea now
Stars waltzing around me
Trails of nebulas
I'm glad your happy
Because looking at you
I see all of the mistakes I made
That were veiled
Because I was too intoxicated
Too high on loving you
Too ADDICTED to the sight of you
Now with my glacier eyes
I see where I went wrong
I see where I sunk
And now
I see where I rise too
Thank you

"And when your fourth love leaves you. You will want to **** yourself, but you won't Because you no longer think of suicide as a house you will build one day" ~ Future Tense by Neil Hilborn.

I keep hoping
That if I keep writing enough about you
About us
What happened and what you did
It'll be written out of the existence of my conscious
That the memories will melt away
As if they were frost coated blades of grass
In a lukewarm spring morning
I care you know
About if you're happy now
Maybe
I keep hoping that if I bleed enough ink
Everything will finally stop
And fall
And reorder itself
That the past five years
Will fade out
Through the tip of this pen
The insecurities will be gone
The trauma will be gone
The memories will be gone
You'll be gone
For good
Never existing
A total and complete stranger
Because who you are now
Isn't who I first met
But that's life right?
People changed
I changed
And it hurt like hell
But after that
Everything melded
Faded together
The sun and moon
Will no longer fight for supremacy behind my closed eyelids
Sadness will finally move out of happiness's home
The unwanted roommate
Never paying their rent
Leaving behind tidbits of loneliness
That would always cover
Your vortex infused days of sun
Cozy winter mornings have reappeared
Snuggled in a blanket
Snow caressing my window sill
A gust turned into
An extinct lovers laugh
Because my days are brighter
My pen is lighter
And the ink that I've bled
Over the past five years
Has finally been staunched
From the incisions
On my ugly blue battered
Gun powder heart.

The dying rays of the sun
Reaching up to kiss its pink tinged clouded lovers
Blue powdered sky dancing behind
Stealing its breath
And unknowingly
Stealing mine
Sweeping my heart away
With the very last ray
Just to do it again
Taking my eyes and filling them
Pitchers full of awe and delighted shock
Because holy hell
You are the most beautiful thing
That my eyes have ever been graced with
And its terrifyingly terrific
Because every time the sun sets
You always change
Thank you
For unlocking the door to my sealed memories
Happy ones
Lost ones
Ones where if I thought about it before
I wouldn't see the shade of happiness
Or taste the laughter
I'd just watch the sadness
Slide comfortably over my heart
I'm glad that you were the one to steal it
And my last breath
I'm grateful that you were the last thing I saw
Before I laid that old side down on a bed
Weaved and sown out of regrets and scars
Draped in sadness and anxiety
A grave fit for me
Thank you