Cortana
How may I assist you?
How long does it take to heal a broken heart?
Cortana
I don't know how to help with that
Cortana
How long does it take to regain broken trust?
Cortana
I don't know how to help with that
Cortana
How may I assist you?
how long does it take to heal?
Cortana
I don't know how to help with that
Cortana
Why can't I talk straight?
Cortana
I don’t know how to help with that
Cortana
why do my words trip and stumble out of my mouth?
Crashing faster than the snow from an avalanche
Roiling down the mountainside
Cortana
Error
Cortana
How do I fix myself?
Cortana
Error

I'm a sucker for brown eyes
But then again I always just loved
The thought of waking up to look into grave dirt
And not be buried securely under it for once
I'm also a sucker for blue eyes
Because I'll never be able to drown in them
Like I've just ever so slightly drowned in the sea
I mean it was just a little bit
Part of me thought it would be fun
I like Canada dry
So much so that I think
It may have actually taken over my body
Absorbed all of my blood
And now my heart
Which has unironically and uncoincidentally
Turned into a perfectly undented Canada dry can
My smile will blind you
Whenever I choose to do so
When a guy tells me I should smile more
I honestly only smile because
When his eyes fall upon it
They will shriek
Sprout arms
And shut his eyelids
But little did they know that it would be too late
Because they've already shriveled up
Turning to a fine layer of dust inside of their respected sockets
So yes I'll smile for you
I'm a siren walking
Who also just happens to be an opera singer
Just so I can replace the glasses that I shatter with your ear drums
I'm a lovely rose in the garden
The better replacement
Of snow whites poisoned apple
Admire my glimmering
Harmless beautiful petals
You don't notice that you're getting light headed
But that's alright
Because I get your last breath
That belongs to me as you inhale
My sickly sweet fumes
Heavier than the humidity in the air
As I sit
Sipping my peppermint tea
Reading your life
Like I read the pages of my book
Because I'm all about blue seas
And brown rays of sunshine
And did I mention?
I'm a sucker for a smug smile

Laying on a bed
I think I was asleep
(I think)
That was before the loud popping sounds started going off
Oh right
It's the fourth of July
Our nations birthday
I groan
I get up
I shuffle around looking for my glasses
I then proceed to make a very loud
Very annoying dying sound because I can't find them
I sigh and go out into the backyard
Watching
Pop
Burst
Pop
Burst
Color
Colour
Color
I would've felt something
I know
When I was smaller
The sounds would've scared me
But
I like the loud bangs
I still like
The bursts of heaven that decided to come down from the sky
Just for tonight
My mind likes all of these things
But a sheer bitterly cold layer of cynicism
Is wrapped around my heart as if it were a glove
So snug in fact
That when my heartbeats
It beats too
I see a certain blue
And I'm now walking up the road of my past
My subconscious being the gateway
To forgotten and even suppressed memories
The stardust dew of a violent red brings back the sound
Of tires screeching on pavement
I jump looking behind me as if I can see that exact car
As if it were pulled from my memory
Driver and all
And woven back into the reality of the present
Burst
Pop
Burst
Pop
Colour
Color
Colour
I don't know when
My memories started to come packed into exploding tubes
For people to set off
But I guess with this way
I can't ignore my past when it's right above my head
Burst
Color
Pop
Colour
Burst
Pop
Color

I’m afraid of heights. But I don’t fear falling. Falling is a freedom that’s never failed to run away from me when I’ve given chase. Falling is the wind in my hair. Clothes ruffling. The pure feeling of exhilaration. Of knowing that there’s still fear under that energy. What am I going to fall into? Or on? Is my body going to hit the pavement? Blood blossoming around me as if an artist spilled a can of paint. And I just happened to fall into it. Except my body will relax. Whatever feelings I had. Whatever thoughts I had leaked out through that pool of blood around me. And in my last moments of comprehension I can tell that it’s darker than I expected it to be.  But it’s still the same. It hasn’t changed any. I always fall into the pavement. It opens its arms as if it were a long lost friend. Calling my name. Making promises of peace and clarity. Promises that no one will be depending on me if I just come into its arms. That I can sleep and not have my dreams plagued with locusts of worry. And grief. And over thinking. So when I found myself falling again. I leaned back into the feeling. I leaned back into the wind relishing the feel of its fingers in my hair. Relishing the feeling of this peace. How could you have peace while you’re falling. I’m not sure anymore. My fear of falling the healthy fear of falling and colliding into something. Has been stripped away. Stripped away like an apple being peeled. Or cheese being grated into finer layers. I don’t fear it. I welcome it. With open arms. And an open. Still intact unscrambled mind. So when I fall through the sky. I only regret. That it’ll be over soon. This addicting feeling of freedom this adrenaline rush. Will be spread out in a bloodied halo around my head. And that’s the only thing I regret. That it can’t last forever. But alas all good things must come to an end. So I close my eyes. Inhale deeply knowing the impact is going to come soon. And hang onto the remnants of this wonderful. Blissful feeling. And then it happens. I hit something. And instead of it being concrete. I find that it’s another body. Another faller I guess. So when I open my eyes. Expect to see blood around me. But instead I see blue eyes. Not just blue eyes. Blue eyes that aren’t glazed over. Blue eyes that weren’t gifted the kiss of death. Eyes that are alive. And are also as confused as I am. Instead of falling into the opened arms of the soft gray pavement I’ve fallen into a person. A person who just tells me. That it isn’t time. To die. To come back. And fall again. That I have something to do and people that need me. And I need to wait for that feeling. I need to wait and stop craving it because I’ve become too addicted to the euphoria of it. It’s time to take my head out of the wind and sky. And come back to earth and live. I actually sigh at this. I sigh in annoyance. And roll my eyes. Because how dare they. That’s why. So hand in hand with this blue eyed stranger I go. Down a road carved and sculpted from the wind. From the stars. And from the ageless eternity of night. To whoever apparently needs me. While I shake trying to stave away the callings and whispers of the wind. Begging me to come and join it. To come back and dance the waltz that never ends. But with my hand in theirs. I’m anchored here and I can’t. So for now I block it out and keep walking. To the light that needs me. Because (apparently). I’ve chosen to live even before this day. And even before this exceptionally weird fall. I chose to live.

So I will.

I woke up with stardust in my eyes
All I could see was your smile
I wonder if we both knew what would happen
You said it was a good idea so I followed you
You said everything would be fine nothing could go wrong
I laughed and followed along carefully walking the edges of your smile
Tracing your lips with my fingertips
Watching the sun cast rays over your head
I remember when you said it would be fun being on the run
We could walk on the edge of stars
We would see the past go by on a dying ray of a nebula
We would dip our fondest memories in infinity
Casting them in forever
I looked over a bitter smile on my face
I don't have any memories but if I could
I'd cast your smile in forever
If I could I'd dip your laugh in infinity
I'd mold the butterflies you gave me in amber
To keep their bodies from succumbing to the natural cycle of death
It wasn't supposed to happen like this
We were supposed to walk on the edge of the galaxy together
We were supposed to dance on the graves of our enemies
Casting memories into starlight
Finding untraveled paths
Take the road less traveled
Find unexpected adventures
Find ourselves
But now that I think about it
You wanted me to be happy
You were just distracting me
Trying to be the silver lining over this dreaded situation
So when I look up
At the stars as we sit on the edge of the moon
Defying the impossible
Breathing in the air from space
You tell me that it wasn't supposed to go this way
And I look over at you
As you fade into the velvety blackness
And I find myself alone
Sitting at the edge of space
Suddenly cold
I still have a bitter smile on my face
And if I could I would dip your smile in infinity
I'd cast your laugh in forever
And I would mold the butterflies you gave me into amber
Forever to be preserved

Smile
I'm lost inside of my head
Smile
The clouds have gotten even heavier
Smile
I don't remember how I got in here
Smile
How long has it been since this happened?
Smile
I can barely feel my face anymore
Smile
I can barely hear my thoughts anymore
Smile
I can't even feel my heartbeat anymore
Smile
It hurts
Smile
It hurts
Smile
It hurts so much
Smile
My lips crack blood cascading down my chin
Smile
In rivulets
Smile
It goes down my neck pasting my shirt against my skin
Smile
Boarding up the way out like plaster
Smile
Coppery metal salt
Smile
My teeth start breaking into Glacial shards
Smile
I can feel my muscles screaming in agony
Smile
My fingernails crack
Smile
The bone crowning the split flesh
Smile
Just smile…
It all goes away
Smile…

you’re so beautiful
sometimes I don’t think I’ve ever
seen a creature more beautiful
but then I remember how much
you hate yourself
and suddenly am aware
that you aren’t as beautiful
as you could be
if you recognized your own
beauty. Because self hatred
is not pretty. Although there is a strange
beauty in it, it is not pure.
It is not full. It is cryptic
and raw and utterly
selfish. There is beauty in that.
But not enough to make me
fall in love with you
again.