He gave me all these letters and we have all these pictures but yet again he sits there and says our relationship ment nothing that he never loved me for anything more then my body and the fact that my house was a roof he could stay under and somewhere he was provided food and safety. He said I deserved to die after telling me a hundred times that if I died I he would die to because I was every breath he took that I was the very air that he breathes. He told me that with out me he would be lost but now he's telling me the complete opposite. He promised me he would never hurt me and now every word that comes out of his mouth is like a knife stabbing into my heart and into my back. And I remember how many times he told me that he loved me just to turn around and take it all back. He told me that he loved me in November he told me to leave you so I can be with him he told me that he would be with me forever and that he would never hurt me or lie to me but then again I went and I wasted 6 months with him just so he can go and hurt me and lie to me and leave me. I thought I was in love with him but then again that's not the first time I thought I was in love with somebody....I'm sorry

I want to be alone but I don't want to be alone. I want somebody but I don't want to have to rely on somebody. I want to have feelings but I don't want to feel pain. nowadays we lose more than we gain. You got good grades you're judged for them you got bad grades you're dumb for them. I'm trying to grow up in a society where I'm told to be myself. But then again they're all trying to change me trying to rearrange me I don't know who to be  or where I'm going I set my standards too high while they set theres too low.   My whole life I've been a failure they told me I wouldn't make it that I'd give up just like my mum don't you see I'm trying so hard to prove them wrong? just because I got good grades doesn't mean there's nothing going on at home my family's ****** up I don't have nobody call me miss independent because I grew up on my own. I was lonely. It was hard for me. I've been through a lot from suicidal thoughts to anorexias evil plots.

Your kiss was like lightning but lightning meant pain and I remember I told you it was never meant to be this way then I pushed you away but you were never here to stay so I watched the winds blow you away and how many times do I have to scream I love you for you to come back my way I know that the clouds filled up our skies and the rain that fell was equivalent to the tears that feel from our eyes but through the darkness your blue eyes were a reminder of the summer sky and the warmth of your body next to mine held me together throughout the winter and even though the last few months we slept back to back it was better then sleeping alone. I know that I need you like flowers need sun and I always knew that you were the one ..

The reason its so hard to date me is because I'm broken. I mean mentally. I will wake up at 3am and start to try. Sometimes I will sit there for hours complaining about what's wrong with me and life while other days I'll push my self away and not say a word about why I am crying. You are introduced to this strong powerful girl then end up meeting someone who's been torn down and ripped apart. You will learn things about me that will hurt you, it will hurt to listen, and to know that I've gone through something like that. Then I relapse, I could be really happy one day then so depressed the next that I wont want to move or eat or speak it could last for a day or for a month. The reason it is so hard hard to date me is because its hard to keep up with me. To know that I am just a girl who's been made into nothing. Its too hard to handle my tears, my cuts, scars, bruises, past, anxiety attacks, depression, and heart so they leave or I leave because I notice the light in their eyes and smile slowly start to die. Its hard to be with me because while I destroy my self I won't notice that I am destroying you too. Because I apologize for everything. Because I am afraid of everything. Because im ****** up and you can not fix something as broken as me.

I feel like I'm drowning but in reality the only thing I'm drowning in is my own tears. My lungs are slowly being filled up with water that comes in the form of memories and I feel heavy but even though in order to drown you must be underwater I feel like I am on fire. Every cell in my body is burning with hurt, rage, and pain. I shake. I shake from the inside out like a ******* earthquake and I want to scream. But when I try nothing comes out because everything is silent when you're six feet under. Why can't I be helped. No body can help me but myself they say but I can't help somebody I don't know because when I am drowing I am no longer me.  I am everything that I don't want to be thrown together in one . a monster. A beast. A fool being held at gun point by her closest friend that they call PTSD. Torchered by the memories I tried so hard to forget. Memories of blue eyes on a cold winter night   or memories of her hands around my neck. Weather they are good or bad they all hurt me because they're memories of what I had . do you know what it feels to be set on fire to feel like you are melting the walls are spinning and your body feels heavy so heavy you can barely move every step you take feels like you're carrying the weight of the world on your back and you try to fight it but it's like the demons are whispering or screaming in your ears . you feel like youre falling but you're just standing still. You feel like youre dying your hearts racing and you can barely breath. that's how I feel. Its my panic attack. Yea. Its that bad.