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i ran from our our love
bleeding and bruised because

you couldn't stop loving me
and i couldn't stop letting you

02.11.23
we have been broken up for 2 months and I hadn't written a poem since then. i hadn't written a poem since I was freed.
maybe i am meant to be loved only
in violent screams or cruel whispers
in molten magma or rigid frost
in blinding light or void darkness

maybe i am not meant to be
loved gently

maybe it will always be
all or nothing

17.11.23
i'd like to be loved in moderation.
but i'd be a fool to expect that from you.
i'd be a fool to expect that from anyone.
We soften our No's
with Thank You's and apologies
We have to tell you we're important
to people like Mother and Father
before you see us as valuable
It's like being Someone's daughter
is more important than just being
Someone.
But we're privileged, of course
We can have jobs like you
and isn't Free the Nip a thing, too?
'Feminism is outdated'
you say to all the women you claim
you never hated
You tell her to cover up
(she's just feeding her baby)
but you never think to look away
You use the bible as your excuse
but never want to pluck out your eye
or pay for your version of the truth
What's wrong with her?
Why is she so rude?
That's a funny question to ask
Let's not ask it twice
when so many women have bled
(and died, or worse)
for the simple act of being nice.
It can't be me
she said.
actually, she said,
it can't be you, but you
didn't rhyme with she,
so I wrote me
and
this allows me to
be,
me and you
simultaneously,

interestingly enough,
she also said lots of other stuff,
but now I can't remember what.
I’m throwing cries for help at anyone who will catch them.
But I am far from athletic.
They will either fall at your feet,
Or fly right over your head.
It’s ok if you miss.
This game isn’t for you anyway.
Is this a slow death?
Every breath,
Is anger and pain,
And acting insane.
Patience lost,
Arms crossed,
Stick in the mud,
Boiling blood,
Ignored cries,
Dizzy eyes,
Spinning thoughts,
Stomach in knots.
Hear me call,
Or let me fall.
Secrets to keep.
Bury them deep.
Salt in the air
Wind on my skin
Tousles my hair
Breathing it in.
Spray from the mist
All stresses cease
Time won’t exist
Life is at peace.
I am the blue sky turning grey.
The faded smile.
The dark clouds blanketing the sunshine.
Silencing the happy chirping birds and buzzing lawn mowers.
Small tiny drops like pins upon the backs of necks.
A rolling trail of tears down sliding down my cheeks.
Feeling relief in letting go.
Widening the open sky.
Beautifully cleansing rain.
Falling, flowing, splashing on the pavement.
Breaking these walls and setting me free.
Shut off the lights.
The dark looks beautiful.
I am not afraid,
To let go of this pressure,
Blind myself of all this light,
Let the night fall into darkness,
Leave the pain behind.
Yes I know I’m loved.
Yes I know I’m depended on.
I think they will be stronger.
They will be smarter,
And learn more from the world,
A world in which I don’t exist.
Someone better to take my place
He will find her when I’m gone.
And she will be so much more than I could ever be.
In time he will be happier,
And I will be at peace knowing
I made the right choice for him,
For them,
For me.
i was a bit happy until you came
and i really tried not to cry

1-word replies and clear disinterest
the longest text was goodbye

but i'm being much too dramatic
it only made me want to die

and spend the next couple hours
racking my brain as to why

so now i'm just shaking my head
and i'm flailing my arms

you'd think all this routine crying
would be some sort of alarm

but an alarm is simply no match
for stubborn covering of ears

keep chanting "it's fine. it's okay"
as i wipe away these tears

saying, "it's fine. it's okay," to my silly little fears.

14.07.21
be a good girlfriend and get over it...
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