When you live as an imposter, life feels like a cage.
Smiles are a disguise.
Carrying on a conversation feels like acting in a play.
Inner thoughts and emotions implode like a shaken soda bottle.
Finding a safe space to be unapologetically you, is slowly unscrewing the cap.
How good it feels to let the pressure out, to let the air in.
Breathing and bubbling over the brim,
Spilling out of the bottle, feeling refreshed.
Let them soak you in.
Let yourself feel.
Let yourself be.
Be you. Be free. But be careful.  
It won’t be long until the liquid turns to blood dripping from the heart on your sleeve.
You feel too much.
You are too much.
The bottle explodes and they drink you dry.  
The panic and rush to collect as much of yourself as you can.  
You can’t be you, you can’t be free.
Back in the bottle.
Back in your cage.
To be the imposter once again.

Cheerfully optimistic at the start, she lived out loud with an open heart.  Feelings entered in, and she let them out. Like a revolving door, they spun around. They stomped on her, left foot prints. And she never even took the hint. Trinkets and traces of people and love. Until her heart had taken enough.  Not broken but bruised and jaded. And soon her optimism faded.Then brick by brick she built a wall, armor to protect from all. And those she trusted once before, she would’t let  in anymore. The ones who cared put up a fight. Convinced them she would be alright. But now they must go somewhere else, She’d fight this battle by  herself.  She’d hide from those inside her home, For she was better off alone.  She sang her own song, heard her own cries. Wiped her own tears from her eyes. Peacefully watching the day fall. In the lonely dark, just her and her walls.

Tonight I wrote the note
The goodbye
The reasons and the apologies
The pain to paper
Paragraphs of regret
A bad wife, because I know deep down he doesn’t love me.
A bad mother because I believe I’m destroying their lives
A bad daughter because I cannot live up to her example.
A bad sister and friend because I never reach out.
Why stay here in a world where I have ruined so much?
Why bask in my own misery when I could be free?
Free of existence.
My soul feels cold beneath my skin.
Dig deeper until I find her,  a buried flame
A small flame, but she fights. And she burns.
My tears will put the fire out
But all it takes is spark. Something small just to keep her burning.

Shut off the lights.
The dark looks beautiful.
I am not afraid,
To let go of this pressure,
Blind myself of all this light,
Let the night fall into darkness,
Leave the pain behind.
Yes I know I’m loved.
Yes I know I’m depended on.
I think they will be stronger.
They will be smarter,
And learn more from the world,
A world in which I don’t exist.
Someone better to take my place
He will find her when I’m gone.
And she will be so much more than I could ever be.
In time he will be happier,
And I will be at peace knowing
I made the right choice for him,
For them,
For me.

Kicking myself for getting so lost. Ashamed that I have gone this far.
Trying to find my way back home, leaving there with just a scar.
I am sorry I was gone. And I promise now that I will stay.
Sit back and listen to the story of how I almost lost my way.
I wondered through a hidden sea, and stumbled upon a hidden land.
The native people just like me,  filling voids to understand
Why they felt so sad, so lonely, and how could they make it better?
They never found the answers there, but suffered through the pain together.
They came there to run away. And leave the real world behind.
Even if just for the day, they searched for truths they couldn’t find.
The comfort of distraction, the addiction to feeling loved.
I ate it up and swallowed it, but knew that it was not enough.
I got lost along the way, placed my real life on a shelf.
Gave into the temptation and relief to show my hidden self.
I followed them, like a cult. I loved the way they made me feel.
But it was just manipulation, as pieces of me they did steal.
And rather than leave then, I swam back through the hidden sea.
I only wanted more of them. I wanted more of that version of me.
So I came back again and again. Lost inside this universe
And what I thought made me feel better, only made me feel much worse.
Deep down I knew, that I should leave and come crawling back to you.
So many times you pushed me there, until it became all that I knew.
But now I feel they’ve broken me. As I lay here bruised and wet with tears.
Awake from this toxicity. And ready to face the real life fears.
Kicking myself for getting so lost. Ashamed that I have gone this far.
Trying to find my way back home, leaving there with just a scar.

You don't deserve my 4am thoughts.
But here you are.
a pretzel wrapped around my brain
******* for making me feel more worthless than I already felt.
But I can’t help that this is who I am.
A shell of laughter and fake beauty.
Sensitivity and insecurities below the surface
And the ugly darkness hidden deep, buried away.
Staring at patterns in the ceiling paint, thinking of you, triggering three layers at once.
Just like all the others. All you had to do was get to know me . It was just enough to pull me in and send you running.
They all run. As they should.
I wish I could run from myself.

What have I done?
It happened so fast.
I didn’t mean to hurt anyone,
Making promises that this time was my last.
Hanging my head down low,
Avoiding judgmental knowing eyes.
Although I know they don't know
Expression can't hide through disguise.

You can wash your hands, but they’ll never be clean.
The future holds the past in thoughts unseen.
Unsettling heart and a racing mind.
Burning through the thoughts that keep you up at night.

I did this to myself.  It's only me to blame.
Don't play the should've would've could've game.
Can I move past the guilt? Can the blind eyes not see?
Someone knows something and someone is me.