When you know ****
unfortunately
you know ****.
When you snap that triangle-
they go everywhere.

A star died and gave birth to me,
Stars die every time a person is born.
It must be.
We do not yet understand the true nature of physics.
That is the point.

I am nothing special.
I am all.

This morning- it was unusual.
I walked to the left of the trees, not to the right.
I have never done that before.
I do this often.

Ooh La La is playing while you pump the gas.
Something invisible has struck me
like a gust of wind.
The moon is rising now, and I-
I am falling away.

-Jesse Haydn

I feel empty when you go.
Even cooking is lonely when you are not here. What’s the point?
How can I be an entire human being?

I blast music in my headphones-
When they scream-
I can still hear the silence
(I can’t drown it).

I miss you.
Please stay with me.
Please do not leave.

My anxiety hurts.
My hands are shaking as I write this, it’s almost unreadable, and the page is wet
And the words disappear a little.

I’m still cooking.
What do you do yourself when you’re done?


It hurts.
I want to cry.
I think I will.

-Jesse Haydn

If you search long enough, you will find it eventually.
It just won't be where you thought it would.

Remember when your dad gave you an entire stalk of little white
and yellow daisies to give to me;
he said that I'll know what it means.
I didn't understand.
Now, I do.
It means that he saw a ****,
he saw it was beautiful,
and knew that I would find it
just as remarkable.

No one asks someone else to give them a stalk of flowers.
If you have to ask for, or expect a gift,
it is meaningless.
The best gifts are always a surprise;
just as the most precious
life defining moments
are always spontaneous occurrences.

One can study all they want.
To learn the old secrets; the significance
of something
and/or what it means-
One must learn to let the understanding of such endeavors-
(if you are
inclined to search
for what you
seek)
-come to you.

Although, odds are
you probably won't
get smashed in the face by a foul ball
unless you bought tickets to
the game
to begin
with.

See big.
See little.
See both at the same time.
What's in front of you and above
and behind you and below.
Outside and inside and the spaces in between.

Look past the trees and far into the forest.
Can you also see the other side?

I climb trees.
People study and meditate and trip for a lifetime to see this way.

I couldn't see the top.
I climbed and I fell and I kept climbing
giant unyielding branches becoming
smaller and smaller by degrees
as well as the security of feeling
that the branch under my feet was holding me up at all.
I knew eventually it would snap
and all would crumble beneath me.

But, somehow, I did not fall again.

I made it relatively close
to the top;
to what I couldn't see before
but knew was there.

And I opened my eyes
and I saw the world
from the most unusual perspective-
like a newborn infant
learning without trying
observing all
and I didn't know how
to be afraid yet anymore.

I never meant to climb so high,
to see over the tree tops,
over the edge of the world-
I was only very curious to know
what was up there.

I saw it was all only ever a game.

So, I keep winding the music box
listening to the same song
looking upwards and watching the shapes go
around and around and around
noticing the black
and the white
and the gray all disintegrate
and bloom
into technicolor.

-Jesse Haydn

So misty beneath the rain
The passion is dying
I am rabid in the light
I howl like vaporous dogs over the wind
I will lie down and give myself to the earth
It is quite lovely under the flowers
Wrapped in roots and darkness
Be luminous I say and unafraid
The devil isn’t all bad
There is a spirit in my likeness climbing a tree in the back yard

So misty beneath the rain
We are sticky under the ground
Awaken! The sin has died
I atone
So wanting to lie beneath the clouds
We draw humming delusions beneath the brume like cards and unfulfilled dreams
We conjure lustful worthless gems below the ground
Heavy! The night is over
The day is dying
Tomorrow I will be something else entirely

So misty beneath the rain
The end continues
I break and break and break
Shadows seek themselves
Lost in broad daylight
With so many roads to choose from
And with what regrets forgotten
A train goes by
Remembering…
When the world was new

-Jesse Haydn