we quick kicked thick
eddies of leaves

from skeleton trees
crows crack and scatter

frost kissed jack o lanterns
collapse

a swan wide winged
and wild

sunday church bells tell
the geese to arrow south

last night in bright papery bits
stars tossed and tangled

a moon collected upon the canal
i have no wants in this world

only this

once there was a time i’d thought i could see the future so clearly.

running through sprinklers
washing off sidewalk chalk
bandaids on scraped knees
a story to say sweet dreams

it’s all i’ve ever wanted.
a place to pour this love —
that’s always making me turn blue

but there’s a part of me that always knew
i’d been selfish to have chosen you,
while you’d been blind to all that i am

now i'm only a toy on your shelf  
a broken doll with porcelain cracked
not entirely forgotten (yet) —
just smothered, drowning in the dust.


and for some reason,

i still try.

When it rains
Little branches get wet
And droplets form on them
Not falling
Just waiting to drop
Some want it
Want to fall to this puddle from which there is no return
And some love it up there

They will drop though
That's for sure

Will they be shaken accidentally by a girl taking a walk?
Will the water build up so much
And they aren't strong enough?
Will they evaporate?

They will all fall
Eventually

Is that comforting?
Sad?
Is it crazy?

People ask me
Why I don't believe them
Why I can't trust that they won't lie

The reality is
I used to believe it all
That he would change
And that he won't the battle
With his drugs
And his anger
But then I saw it
I felt it
And that's why I cry

This is why
I refuse to hope
And I can't believe

I want to
I really do
I promise
I try

When I see my bleeding skin
I think of you
How you did this too

When I cry
I think of you
How it's your fault

When I see a good father
I think of you
And how I'll never get that too

When I think of that big tree on what used to be my front yard
I think of you
And how you kicked me and my mom out

When I feel depressed and terrible
I think of you
And how you're proof that it doesn't always get better

while pieces of the rain remains
lost on the leaves – my tears hit the ground
slowly after they have painted my face

still more fragile;
thirsty for water as I keep my eyes open

searching for a picture of you, but the cloud's
tears mix with my own, blurring up my glasses

the sun had peeled away itself
blinded by a shade of heavy clouds – heavy emotions
as emotional as I get when I know you’re so far

it's raining and I need you