My cat is
Purring
Sitting on any available laps
Meowing
Loving everyone
Eating everything
Going on any shoulders that he pleases
Rubbing against people

And then there's me
Taking a break and hiding in the bathroom
Sitting in silence
Fake smiling
Picking skin
Laughing when I see everyone else laugh
Avoiding going out
Or talking to people

Humans are supposed to be social
And cats are supposed to be independent
Yet
It seems that my cat is more social than me

The stars
The dark
The silence
The empty streets
The night

While I dance in the cold
Music taking me over
All of them
In their wonder
Are on my side

I've known him forever
I hate to be reminded of things that he did
And said

I hate when my head
Compares
Contrasts
Remembers him

But the problem is
I see him in everything
For he is my father

When I do things
I hear him
With his opinions
Manipulations
And I want to please him

I feel him watching me
Judging
Listening
It makes me angry

He is in my blood
My bones
No matter what I do

He's in my memories
My hometown
My mind

He haunts me all the time

He thinks I should want to see him
That being my father is enough
I let him down easy
I'm too scared to be tough
He might go crazy

I'm afraid of failure
Of becoming a burden
But above all, I'm afraid
Of hurting the ones I love
And ending up alone...

Yet I'm here, I've shown
In the face of my demons
And screamed at them
That they'll never take
The very best of me

So I may not be fearless
I'm quite fine with that
For I'm brave

Is the saying
"Someone always has it worse"
Really supposed to be comforting?

I don't like to think about
How my pain
Sometimes doesn't compare to other's suffering
When mine already feels like hell

"Someone always has it worse"
Does that make anyone feel better?
To be belittled and then told that someone else is more miserable than you?

I hope not
Because it's terrible that it's true

But I guess I hope so
If it's true that it helps you

I may not know
What will happen to tomorrow
But I know
That someone is laughing now
That someone is sobbing now
And that I wish I could do either

I may not know
What to say always
But I know
That I was once younger
And that every second I am getting older

I may not know
If I'll die tomorrow
But I know
That someone will live

I may not know
Who will cry tomorrow
But I am certain
That someone will
And I hope
That the love I send them
That they don't know I'm sending them
Will go through

I may not know if they feel it
But I know that I hope the impossible things
I send strangers
Will go through
And I know
And that when I remember
I'll take it from the stranger who doesn't know that I know
Just in case

Let's just say
I opened my heart
I would smell the anxiety
Fear
Love
Pain

But I wonder
If anyone else would
But I think not
Because when it was closed
No one cared
Or wondered what's really going on in there

So now what now?
It just gets hurt more easily?
I don't need any more of that

I stitch it back up
Now the air smells of nothing important
Fake smiles
"I'm okay"'s
Covered up opinions
Feelings
Screams

I guess it's better that way

I was planning to
I really wanted to
I wanted her to know
I wanted to be able to tell her
About why I bleed
And about my father
But my mouths betrays me
It refuses to say these things outloud
Why?

Just say it
I tell myself
You describe it so well in your head
Why can't you speak it?
Why did you stay silent?

Now the moment is over
Once again
You said nothing
And still
No one knows

Not even your closest of friends
Why?
You want them to know
You want to lighten the load
They can speak it so well outloud
They trusted me
Why can't I trust them?
I can
But I won't

Tears roll down my cheeks
She's asleep
She doesn't see
And if she would
I wouldn't even be able to tell her why
How sad is that?

Die
Hmm
Am I putting it in this poem just so it will ryme?
Or because that's what I want to do
But no
I don't
I can't
And I won't
I shouldn't let myself think such thoughts

I missed my chance to be open
I missed my chance to Infront of people
For what feels like the first time in a long time
I missed my chance to show them
All the reasons why
Because my mouth can't express
All that I need to express
Like poetry