Checked my messages
again
for the first time in a week
i dont think i could do that last year
i would be fomo asf

you say mental illness is a big deal until
i am sitting surrounded by trash in my car because its the only place i feel safe
until
i am crying when i wake up because i don't want to wake up
until
i am searching through pictures trying to find a scrap of light
until
i am sitting on the bathroom floor drinking the half empty beer i found in the recycling
until
i get attached to the drawings on my legs and cry when they go away
until
my plants all die because i cant water them
until
my pets die because i cant feed them
until
i starve myself on accident
until
my room has to be heavy or i cant breathe
until
i block everyone on my contacts list because i feel like they are watching me
until
i cant run anymore
until
i cant walk anymore
until
there is nothing left but you still want more

i dont burn my calories
i *******
i n c i n e r a t e      them
         obliterate them
break my fist for their departure
s
w
  e                        and     s    v    r
   e                                     a    o    y
  t              

sweat

hi
my soul spills onto the countertop into this cup of tea
trembling i reach out my hand to you
"i made you tea"
you already have tea steaming on the desk next to a frantic stack of paperwork
ill pull back my hand and leave the thick silence to draw in a sharp breath
this does not count as an act of kindness to you because it wasnt fully executed, and you will not remember it.

dear mom,
you might love me but you certainly don't like me.
dear dad,
you might miss me but you certainly didnt make an effort to see me either
dear me,
you have a giant nose and horrible skin
dear diego,
sorry that you died
dear ellie,
i dont rlly think ur dead
dear kiwi,
ik you didnt really like me but youre soft
dear daisy,
plz dont die
dear luna,
youd get over me in a few weeks
dear eli,
i hope you ******* sob yourself to sleep
dear earlie,
i wish you would, but you probably woudn't
dear dad,
i dont care if you didnt get me a christmas gift in time but our plans to hang out when you literally live 20 minutes away have been postponed by 4 months
dear mom,
stop acting like you care
dear anthony
you a real one

obsession is purple
like silk sheets and smeared lipstick and wine glasses and violets
like blood clots and night walks and voices filled with malice
having an obsessive personality is hard when you have no one worthy over obsessing over so you will obsess over yourself
2018
affirmations in my notes app
"you can do this
you can do this
YOU CAN DO THIS
you CAN do this
you can do this.
you will do this
you will do this
you WILL DO THIS."
i can feel the obsession through the lcd screen
it reeks of narcissism and airplane juice and secrets and lightness
and goals and lack of you
i wanted to be skinny to be free, not boney
to feel dreams around me in daylight and to walk on tiptoes
you are the heaviest ive ever felt.

everyone looks so pretty happy
some people look pretty sad
but mostly ugly
ugly ugly children line the street and the halls at school
corpses with souls
with no smell at all
they reek of silence
their faces light up periodically
like lights flickering in a storm
this town is just a plot of land now
with some wood scattered about
fragmented lightbulbs litter the street
there was never hope in light
but we still try

I lit my tongue
on fire and watched as it
burnt down like a wick sinking into the wax of its candle
flame danced in the reflection of my eyes
tears like fire hydrants
the flames licked my tongue and my tongue licked the flames
crisping up my insides i swallow my tongue
esophagus incineration
my voice unspoken
gummy whispers
tasteless lies

i am on my hands and knees
begging
p l e a s e
get up
getup get UP
GETUPGETUPGETUP
i am sitting.
i am screaming
my eardrums are blown to **** right now
from crying in agonizing pain in my head
please
you have to get up
GET THE **** UP
but its like all of my cells are ten pounds and my mind is filled with concrete
im sorry but i cant.
i love you but i wont
im trying not to be selfish but im going to have to be
i dont want to get better
i want to sink further until you give up on me
and once you do everything will be better again.

my mom
looks at me with disgust because i am not
what she remembers me to be
she is so confused because "she knows me"
but she hasn't asked me my favorite color since I was in kindergarten.
I am giving my everything but really i'm not.
i'm doing all I can but really I'm not.
you told me to stop lying but when I did you were even more angry
i can't keep living half alive
but I want to and its addicting to not do what you are capable of
you were mad at me when i didn't win the award that they give to one student out of five hundred kids for being the nicest
you tried to smile but disappointment contorted your face and our eyes locked in silence
i looked away
i'm trying not to let you manipulate me but i genuinly don't know if you love me or just what I produce
and if thats the case im sorry for producing below average
but i'm so sick of being scared of you
i'm so sick of being so consumed by fear that when you walk down the hall i dread your face

harsh words cut through lucidity in sleep
flow distorted by my continued faith in you
i am sorry my room isnt clean please dont take away my things
i would call this emotional abuse but im also emotionally abusing you
i flinch when you touch me not because ive been hit but because i am so worried skin to skin bonding will form an emotional connection
i don't want to give up my thoughts to you
you say i never talk but complain about how i ramble at dinner
maybe I do talk to you but you are only interested when i have something emotional to say
i am trying to communicate with you subtly
im not going to tell you straight up
straight up?

everything i am slipping through the cracks of your fingers
strands of hair lay docile unnoticed by my camera flash
text my with one hand muffled by the thickness of the night
affection lost through sharp and pleading requests

i said
"isn't it funny that walnuts are good for your brain and they look like brains"
and you said "you're ******* r*tarted"

most people dont want to go to the hospital
i really want to go to the hospital

breathing through my skin
pores open close oxygen suffocating my hide
lungs trapped under water head above breathing drowning into skin
sin
hair is falling now completely dry out of my head pulling pulling
gone
why is euphoria only achieved in depressive hallucinations
joking abt chronic illness because I know the chronic cant catch me
1-800-273-8255
times up
your limit has expired
you have been disconnected
please text again to talk to another employee
fingers frozen
the next 36 hours?
well
maybe

I
am sinking into the broth of a wealthy mans soup
she
says that mental illness is scary but doesn't seem to care when
i am being overtaken by chains pulling me
away
and you
say that i am yours but
spend more time with her everyday than
we have in the three years ive known you and
he
stares into my eyes searching but drowns in encryption
we
are trying to pull ourselves from this pit but
swimming through oil is making me break out and
it
is too hard to not give up or just look
away
from me

*****
i swear to god iff i beleived in god then i would sin until i was destroyed
honestly it would be refreshing in torment
mind games pisces skin ppulling fingers falling off toe splitting ice mouth
hell doesnt have **** on depreession
cuz its comfy in my room but i have to clean it and then its devoid of anything and im picking up the scraps of mess and trying to piece back together the sinking
pulling up the floorboards to wrap myself in because i feel so naked without the clothes strewn across the floor
the layer of dirt on my skin and grease on my hair is the only thing sheliding me from shooting myself in the head and then making it look like a ******
ppl would b trying to figure it out id b watching like **** smirks that was kinda sly ngl
anwyways i would never d o that lol

I sat next to the refrigerator
because after a while of feeling its cold breath
he'll hum me a song
mmmmmmmm
are you lonely like me?
your voice is raspy and dull
like a tree stripped from its bark
the bark left out in the storm
my desk
nothing left
i will listen to your song
even if i freeze i hope that you
appreciate it?

gluttony tinged fork strings
  teacup filled full of powdery substance
                                                       ­     lack thereof
                                      spoon breath
                                  subtext
                ­          underneath the mattress
                                                  death breath
flowers in my death bed
falling through the floor      flowering tendencies
                   blend               and                   see
colour me
epiphany

can you feel the ups and downs of it when you listen

I am watching the television
she is here
she is right here.
I am watching *my reflection
she is not me because she does not look like me.
But she has to be for now
because I have no motivation to be scared or question anything
i've just accepted that she is not I and we live separate lives
maybe i say that so i don't have to blame myself for the things i do
probably,
idk how to finish this poem lol so

Comfort things
____
Soup
green sweatshirt
mess
vanilla
Oreos
incense
dog
cat
hands

pour me into a silicone mold
ill be your bunny, kitty, zero, i'll fold
time is ticking slit my wrists to bruise the conscious of your fists
dancing in despair contorts the walls of this claustro structure
feet cant touch the ground but if i hallucinate it i'll feel better
touch me like i'm made of plastic but feel me like i'm gold
drip my essence around your temples perfume in your temporal lobe
bleed me in and bleed me out or don't breath when i'm around
to feel my presence makes you sweat and drown in your own fleshy water

Less than half
47%
I can't confront you
I can't even exist without feeling the shaking cold deep dread flavoured like salt and ice and bittersweet cherries; getting run over by a car
I can't confront you
because when I do I feel a sour stinging in my ears the  urge to **** myself a bitter echo through my mind a "why did you speak"
I can't confront you
because if I did I would be lying to you lying to you and
I can't confront myself because I will just blame everything on undiagnosed ADHD and not my ******* self.
they say confrontation is needed for growth

well I hope so because I'm 5'7 and I don't need to grow anymore

because I'm fourteen and I don't need to age anymore

because I where size 10s and i don't need to run anymore

and i don't want to become anymore

can i please just sit and watch the world go by like a dog

seeping,
into uncleanliness
is better than cleaning halfway
                   it is uncomfortable until you settle
like greasy hair is just a silk blanket if you stop thinking about it
like how i cannot feel my clothes touching my skin anymore
ah great now i can ****

i am so comforted by
the smell of cigarettes' and sage
even though they make me cough and i would never smoke
their breath makes me warm
especially when accompanied by tapestries
and unwashed sheets
its like the air is thick with longing to get better
its like the air its thick with a regretful past
and I love it
burning
burning, a home with the people who feel comfort in the slow cremation of their bodies
its beautiful and sad and elegant and heavy and
i hope that you have the motivation to wash your sheets sometime soon but
if you don't, know that i dont mind :)

what happens
when the home you  have made in my heart
weighs me down and i shut you out

I just want
to capture moments in bottles
and wrap them around my shoulders
like the unneven scarves I made when I was se7en
and the only thing uneven were them
and not my teeth eyes grades sexuality perception
instead i want your sweatshirt
even though im not in love with you
but you think i am.
and thats what matters.

melanie martinez
is medicine
for a broken sense of shallowness.

money
slices from silently screaming sycamores
caressing children to corroding carcasses crying out
blatantly bleeding by your blade
intention isn't intuitive in industry
businessman burned bushes bellowing
sororities supporting sickly stripping of sap

I can not move
from this chair
from this mindset
from this grief
I keep making excuses
excuses
excuses and
i cannot simply do the work after I am caught because
i cannot physically
I wish that I could commit
to killing
my essence because I am only valued for
the work that I produce and therefore I am
the bare minimum
but that means I have to distance
from you
you
youyouyouyouyouyouyouyou
you said that
its a burden on the family
and I don't want
to  disappoint you any more.

seep through your skin like an ocean
kitchen knives are so dangerous
so shielded from pain
at the hospital
yet agony was
all around me
and I know that *** and drugs
probably aren't my best option,
but its so ******* appealing
to look at myself objectively
like i am only meant for consumption
and not for care
lacking is
improvement at this point.

drape me
onto the table use me to wipe your crumbs stuff your face i
am only skin
(I am) your playdo (you are) my creator my beginning but most importantly
my end
put me through the wash nine times this week still cant remove the stain
youputitthereyouputitthere; why are you mad at me for remembering
kids sit around me like im a ******* disney princess
i can be that for the kids because i have the empathy you have always lacked
and i know what it feels like to sit in your little futon on the floor as your eyes well up with the salty sea because I don't know when I''ll ever be the same as I was or if I'll ever be again.
bite into me like i'm dessert spit me out like i'm sour milk
dishwasher oven
i'm clinging to myself
i am the tablecloth
unnoticed but appreciated when its time to wipe off the ****** up lies your mom told you about yourself and i will happily comply