Breathe! Just breathe in!
1it hurts
1i can't
1cant....
1cant think
2why...
1why cant
2i be
1why can't
2i be
3normal
1i think...
2
3im getting bett-
1ouch!
2it hurts
1bre-
1breathe!!!
1breathe,
2 don't panic
3its okay
4 I've got th-
1theyll get me
1who?
1i don't know
1help
1 no
2its okay
3breathe
4dont panic
5colors
6 blue and red make purple
1theyll get me!
1im scared
1i hate myself
1die!
1no, it's.okay
2 blue and yellow
3 green
4every color makes brown
5blue, white and green
6 they make that color you like remember?
7 breathe
8 its okay
9relax your muscles, you cut your arms with your nails again
10 I'm okay... Let's stay this way...

During the day I think I'm okay, when I can keep my mind busy or focus on someone else in need of my help, when the light is blinding and pure.... But during the night, when the light dims and the people start to sleep I'm left wide awake with my demons at my side whispering the sins of the world in my ears as I try to sleep, seeing the demons in my eyes as I stare into my reflection wondering who am I, changing and morphing into what I recognize as myself.... Sometimes the days are just as bad as the nights and it feels as though it can never end, the days where medication nor meditation seem to help clear the fog that rests in my mind, thicker than the snow after a blizzard or the water after a flood.... Days like today where I'm wondering if I'll ever make it out because in my mind I know that every cloudy day will be blown away but also knowing that its been storming so long that when I have a moment of sun it just seems to hurt because its gone far too fast.... But sometimes I think I'm okay...

I doubt that you love me, though I don't know for sure, I'm hoping that one day there'll be an open door, one that opens with a squeak and a squeal or maybe a sharp crack, one that when opened you can't quite close back, one that makes you miss me when I stray to far away, one that makes you want to draw me nearer every day, one that maybe even makes you want to make me stay. I want a door to open that hurts you when my heart breaks, a certain type of door that cures all my akes, a door I can close behind me when I step in, a door that closes and still let's light in, a door where on the other side my lover is my best friend.....

You broke me and I admit it...day in day out chasing after you gets exhausting, trust me I get it. This relationship we have may very well be toxic, but I knew in the beginning when we first started this... this TORTUROUS game that you handed me, wothout a book of rules, because I learned the cost of it...But at the end of the day that game is the only thing that makes it worth being alive.... I'm trying to find a way out, a way to dance my way through without as much pain, a way to live without so much sorrow, a way to be ALIVE, because I don't want to JUST survive...anymore... but your voice so sweet and tempting, wrapping me up, pulling me in, leaving me with goosebumps and butterflies..... Its bliss... But love your games can be so cruel...you seemingly throw yourself at some and abandon others to rot, cold and alone, with nothing more than empty promises to keep them warm... Love you are bittersweet... But somehow I can't seem to get enough.

How am I supposed to act, my heart up in my throat, knowing when I see your face my feelings will not show, for I do not love you, well that I do not know, for once the thought of love was clear but now it is a ghost, ever changing ever shifting, perspective forever changes, for you are not my lover and this is feeling aimless, for I do not love you but I can't get you out of my head, I have to admit its awfully nice to have you as a friend, I long to be close to you whenever I'm away, and when I am so close to you I never want to stray, you lift my thoughts and spirits like no one ever before, but you don't want a relationship so I never opened that door, no I do not love you, that is not a lie, but the weird part is when I see you, it sends me soaring high, with him I thought of you in a longing sense , but again I do not love you so to me this makes no sense, when he kissed me I felt ***** like a betrayal in a way, but I've betrayed no one so why feel this way? Maybe I just think too much, maybe I should enjoy the moment, maybe the new year has something in store and I can try to own it...