Bleach blonde
Bikini body
Red stained knuckles
Reaching for something healthy
Unattainable
Teeth mark scars
Take something from me that I don’t have
One more crunch
One less rice cake
Don’t listen to the tsunami upstairs
It’ll fill your head with a million reasons
To give yourself up
Reach down your throat to your belly
To become the girl you hate more than ever
Spraying perfume on bottle cap wrists
Twisted at an angle for your fifth body check picture today
Beauty is the only thing I wanted
I’m not sure if I’ll ever get there

Dry heaving your sorrows
Past flooded gates of stress
Teary eyes and your runny nose
Won’t make those problems go away
Receive the truth
Speak only lies
Hush your own ****** fluid
Until it can be mistaken for silence
Relapse
A quiet lullaby
Of hungered dreams
That only makes me seem smaller
Problems, so many problems
You have one more to overcome

You hold bones just to break them
You saw me drowning in a shallow kitty pool
The one that you filled up
With  years of little nitpicks about my body
And my own self worth
You acted surprised when I couldn’t hold my breath any longer
My bones weren't strong enough to handle your snaps
Weak from the lack of calcium
From the lack of food in general
Why didn’t you say anything the first time you heard the tsunami coming from the upstairs bathroom?
When my tears could fill an entire mason jar you bought for the sole purpose of drinking your morning coffee
Why didn’t you tell me I was wrong?
I was 115 pounds and thought I was too big
Maybe you did too
Is that Why didn’t you say anything?

People say your first love is your mother
Swaying in the arms of a person who will always care
Always be there
What happens when neither of your parents wants you?
Does that mean that no one will?
You’ll be alone forever
Unlovable
Untouchable
Without your mother’s warm embrace
What will keep your heart cozy in the winter
With fuzzy pink socks and laughter
Looking into the window of a family better than yours
Shivering from the cold
Barefoot, scared. ribs
Momma, please love me again like you did when I was a baby
Before I could disappoint you

You might be sleeping
I’m unsure
Always confused
About you
In the morning
Sleeping until noon
After
Sunset, rise
Burnt orange
No that’s not pretty
Peach
And lilac and pink
The colors I see behind your eyes
Point is
You’re here
I’m here
Let’s make the most of it

Hey November
Raise your sleepy eyes
Tell me what you remember
When you first took a stand
Why were you scared?
I thought you could do anything
What’s so hard about telling the truth
It’s the only thing that can save you
Hey November
What happened to the pretty smile
Did the glare from outside eyes ***** you?
They didn’t see what you did
I’m glad you finally found your voice
Even if it took years
Hey November
Why do you do the things you do?
The things that harm you
Who makes you do these things?
He’s long gone now
He can’t coax the small child out of a growing woman anymore
Hey November
Please stop doing these things
They affect me more than you know
Make me feel inferior
Crazy
I’m not crazy
Hey November
Cry
It’s gonna be okay
Eventually
Sincerely future me

Forbidden Forrest
The one you always go back to in your nightmares
Trees hiding the view from people who would protect you