oh bitterness where did you come from
with a sip of my wine I can taste you
moving down my throat
leaving red stains on my skin
where did you come from
leaving soggy thoughts in my head
I can taste you when I kiss
I can feel you when I cut
oh bitterness you are the fear in my bones
holding me hostage in my own body
I can feel you lingering around me
I can see you in the corner of my eyes
I can find you where I used too find words, in-between the top of my mouth and my tongue
oh bitterness you are prettier than I remember
you are like a dangerous lover
and I take you like an addict

The big things will be seen as signs of an undeniable strength in the back of my mind
it's unspoken about, but we all know the power is too big
A shiver goes down my spine while I sip on my last bit of wine like I want to press my sanity in-between the top of my mouth and my tongue. I want to take the sour pinch and enjoy the smell of sweet life a little bit longer
I feel lightheaded as it moves down my throat

I took them like tic tacs

I had a therapist tell me once how ironic it was how much love I gave out
because I didn't give much to myself
she laughed, like self love was a sick joke
I chuckled and cried at home
I had somebody tell me that I could not love somebody else unless I loved myself
this time I got to laugh
this time the sick joke was mine
it was me
might as well wait forever
I remember hating myself at the age of seven
diaries filled to the brim with criticism
I had enough pages to stitch them into wings
and fly close enough to the sun to see my tears turn to steam
felt the wax burn on my shoulders
and mold into thick skin
I was nine when I wanted to die
thirteen when I found a solution
figured if I could cut my legs enough
gravity would let me go
when it didn't I tied a rope around my neck and twisted it until I couldn't breathe
stars filled my eyes and I was almost gone that day
I almost convinced myself I'd done it
when I started writing
I smeared my blood on every page
to remind myself that everything beautiful has a consequence
I have died so many times
so when I told you loving you made life almost worth it I wasn't joking
If someone can love a dying thing this way
and give thanks to the way my body hold back
if someone can kiss the scars
Administer the pills
absorb the bad days
and wake up smiling next to me
then I can try to breathe again
because self love does not always comes first
or second
or even ever
I will always be a woman of wounds
a broken neck and melted skin
love will not heal me
but it will hold my hand if I ever heal myself
and it'll maybe teach me a joke that I can stay alive long enough for to laugh at

no one understands that I have nothing to gain
no one understands how it feels to slowly go insane
to have panic attacks so bad that I can't breathe
no one understands the pain I feel in my chest
Like I'm infested with a disease
diseases ****
No one understands the tears that fall down to the floor
until I can't cry anymore
My eyes are drained just like my soul
my soul is a hole, a pitch black hole in the universe that can't be filled with love
its too scared of love, I'm too scared of love
I find myself on the ground with a bottle of pills in my hand
Pills that I took like tic tacs
now the clock tic tacking away until the day..is gone
They will scream and they'll ask me why I did it
and I will smile like I have fishhooks in the corners of my mouth
i will tell them it's okay to fly into the sky with fearless wings
the scars on my arms will tell the story they are so curious about
my scars will tell them how my life is like a personal hell
I never got to choose to either live or die
I never got that choice
I'm in so much pain
18 years worth of pain is unbearable and yet here I am
I am a burden to the people around me
I want it to be over

I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm not sure
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm in pain
I'm done.