A genius
Manipulates others
By the others
Thinking they know
What they're doing
And they believe
They're outsmarting their hierarchy

all i want in life is to paint and travel and write and read and love and cry. and i can't.
i am craving life. and it's a taste i haven't had it since a past life.
i struggle because that taste is still lingering and that's what has kept me going. in search for that new, bursting flavor. i've only had dull foods.
i keep pouring myself into this search. and i've noticed i've only made it a few streets over since the day i was born.
i'm starting to lose that burning passion to find it. my great flame has turned into barely embers.
i'm not who i was. and neither are any of you if you were wondering. i've lived in this same town for all of my years, but i still seem to be lost.
i never learned properly how to use a map.

maybe one day i'll find some sort of clue. i have plans of where i'm headed, but hopefully they won't work out.

this craving is getting to me. i can hardly ever even feed myself anymore because i am giving myself more that i don't want. i drink a lot of water which is probably another reason the fire is dying.
oh well. this is what life is about, right?


**you could have been my gasoline.

is it right to still call this love?
being in a relationship is to make each other better but i can assure you i've never been worse and i'm afraid it's never going to get better. i keep telling you it will all be okay and that everything happens for a reason but i can't tell you how many dark hours i've spent trying to find that reason. you've hurt me so badly i've run out of feelings. i just want to feel something. i'd ask you to punch me but i think the back stab was enough of a wound to my body. to others, your weapon may only look like a butter knife but i'd just like to say if you stab someone hard enough, no matter what you use it hurts like a *****. since you were the one holding the knife it hurt worse than falling into hell. so recently ago i thought you fell from heaven. i kept saying he's too good to be true. did i find my perfect guy? i guess i spoke a little too soon. you were too good to be true and i think it's time to get my vision checked bc through my eyes i still see you as the one. i was thinking long term for us but now i'm not so sure if i was in love with you or the idea of us. i'm sorry for questioning that but why would someone you love do that to you? still searching for the answer. i think i'm finally done bleeding out but let me just say i lost a lot more than just blood last night. this **** on my chest is huge i don't know how you made it so large. i just want you to help me mend it. but you can't because you're still shaken up from the damage you've done. i'm the one lying in the hospital bed but you're the one who's crying. i don't know what else to tell you. how often do you hear about the victim apologizing? i can say this is no normal case but i still need to hear you defend yourself. i keep looking down at where my heart was and i can't seem to find anything there anymore. i really need you to be here for me but you aren't. i don't know where to go but for some odd reason i want you by my side at my next destination. i know this is going to scar. i don't think it will ever go away and you told me if that's what i believe i should just quit. but how do i walk away from a guy like you? i'm staring at the facts but the more i look the more it seems your mistakes are being erased by the idea of the man i thought you were.

i'm sorry for getting blood on your shirt.

please tell me you still love me.

mornings would not be so bad if i woke up with a view of you.

through these paper thin walls i can hear the ticking of my brother's fan. a constant sound that i wish i couldn't hear. but it sounds a little bit like water dribbling on my window right at the end of the storm. and i am enraged with anger because all i want is the real thing. i'm sick of all this fake ****; it's reminding me too much of the people around me. but that's my own fault.
the pattern of the clicking sounds so **** natural. kind of like the way your lies fell out of your mouth like a waterfall-- rushing and your water (or words) were trying so hard to pull me under.  i think it worked. what i'm trying to get at is i miss the real thing. i still want you to touch me even if it is with those cold, harsh waters.
i feel like i haven't felt a splash of cool water on my face in months. and maybe i haven't. we were at our peak in the worst of the winter and it seemed like everything between us just froze. and with the fragile touch of your brutal hands,, you broke everything.

maybe if we're lucky when the sun comes out everything will melt and something will flow between us again.

i only want a place that i can call home.

all of the clocks stopped working.
time no longer exists.
and i want to spend until the end of the hour with you.

When you're feeling really horrible
All you have to say when someone asks what's wrong is I'm tired.
It's always believable and no one cares enough to check further
When really all I think is how badly
I just need someone
To be there for me

for a long time, we pretended you loved me too.

you shattered my heart.
it didn't even hurt this time.
because honestly,
i don't know that it ever healed from that last time.

what hurts.
what is still causing me pain.
is that you cared so ******* much.

and now,
i am in more pain than ever,
and you don't give half a ****.


*honestly i'm afraid you might find a little bit of joy out of it.

I can't tell
If the water flowing
Down my face

Is from my eyes
Being peeled open too long

Or my eyes
Crying for they haven't seen you in too long

sometimes i'll catch myself staring off to space
are you ever at peace knowing we see the same sky
and i forget what world i'm in
definitely not yours anymore
i feel myself swaying back and forth
back and forth
like the way your feelings were there and then left
were there and then left
people probably think i'm crazy
is that why you couldn't handle me anymore?

sometimes when i stare at something for too long it becomes a blur
i think you started overthinking our  
relationship-- you looked at us for too long and now it looks like a big mess
or maybe it's that i need glasses
or maybe you are right in thinking we aren't good for each other

i'm sorry we can't see this from the same perspective*
don't forget you're half of a foot taller than me

tired of paper being the only one wanting to listen.

if you aren't in love with the sky, then open up your eyes. this isn't some kind of dream; this is real. this is wonderful.

forcefully,
i'm beginning to make myself accept this.
i'm sure you would be happy to hear that,
but i know you don't listen to me anymore.

why of course i'm still bitter!
you don't just feel nothing after feeling so much.
you don't just stop caring after caring so much.

you just don't do that.


*come to think of it,,
you can't just lose something that was never yours.

one time,
when you were dropping me off,
i had put my music in.
i know this was "big"--
you constantly reminded me.
but it made me smile
how you'd continue to let me.
i put on this one song
and i think you actually liked it.
you asked me if i listened to
the lyrics
or the sound.
i didn't really know.
i said both a little.
you told me it was about the lyrics.
i agreed
and said i liked when the artist
kept a metaphor the whole way through.
i don't know that you really listened
but you nodded your head.
so let's pretend for a moment
that you truly did agree with me.

listen to me.
my poems are my lyrics.
so connect with them.
i am an artist.
please just try to understand
for once.
i've put my thoughts in these metaphors
hoping you could grasp it.
please at least attempt to.

i am sorry.

i'm trying so hard not care
but when we first met my heart was ice cold.
it took a couple years but that night we were cuddling together you warmed me up.
you melted me the whole way to my core.
so finally i had this heart that felt
at the time i didn't know it was a bad thing.
but i also had all this left over water.
luckily enough i had the chance to empty everything out when you cheated on me. let me assure you: i was empty.
but i couldn't resist going right back to you because i missed my source of heat.

everything was different then but for a little we pretended like we were just the same. you couldn't handle it any longer so you cut me off.
that was that.

i'm still so cold and trying to recover.
but spring is just around the corner and hopefully i can turn over a new leaf too and make something of this year.
{i was out in the snow last night.}
all i need is the sun i'm thinking because these seeds of happiness you never tended to might sprout into something beautiful.
hopefully a rose-- pretty enough to admire but painful enough to shy away from touching.


*i still have plans to move far north because i think part of me will always want you to come back.
but i hope now i've gathered enough layers to manage on my own.
i know you'll never ask which is probably a good thing because i always had a hard time saying no.

you used to pick me up when i fell,
but now i am laying on this cold concrete floor and i hear someone snickering in the background and i know i haven't heard your laugh in awhile but i know i could never forget that laugh of yours.

treat someone badly and be loved endlessly

please go away.
i'm genuinely getting annoyed with you.
i'm starting back to my old ways and i think i'm more disgusted of who you are now than who you were then.
at least back then you were a good person and i was just a *****.
oh how the tables have turned.

but seriously please just leave.
it's annoying as **** that i have to see you first thing in the morning.
yes, i see you. i'm not blind, *******.
and it's kind of getting old how you show up in my dreams.
******* you out every night is not as fun when it's a continuous occurrence.

please go away.

i hate how much i crave being loved--
it just sounds like it would be something nice.

I have to admit
I like to see an underdog win.

I know that everyone loves a love story
And they're rooting for the soul mates.

But I must be bitterly truthful
Because love is never what it seems.

So I hope it ends now
So your forever broken heart can heal sooner.

i can't tell if a bird is happy or sad while he/she is chirping. and i kind of find peace in that because that means even sad things can be beautiful.

I'm getting used to being alone.
Comfortable with being by myself.

Not in the good way.
Opposite of growing confidence.

Like me building myself up
To having no expectations.

No invitations out.
No boys talking to me.

Unless it's for homework.
Or being *****.


I guess we can't all have everything.
So don't check me off for friends or happiness.

the desire to possess the good forever.

i have a hard time getting out my house key.

we can blame it on a lot of things. but no matter the circumstances, this is how things are; this is who i am. whether you accept me for that is your own problem.

cheers.
bottoms up.
i'll drink to that.

whichever your preference.
but here's to hopefully:
the beginning of the end.

now the tricky part. picking a way to go out.

see you soon, nick.

why do i have to be so hard to love?

i miss the way my name rolled off your tongue.

seeing you.
and knowing that we're nothing.

that was so much harder than it was supposed to be.

sometimes you just gotta lay down on the floor with your dog and let go of the world for a little.

we're living to die;
why not get it over with?

what we had wasn't love.

Guess what?
I am too.
I'm not ******* happy.
My friend died.
I'll never see him again.
Of ******* course I'm sorry about that!

And you.
You try to tell me
"He's in a better place now."
******* it shut up already!
That's not fair.
I want to be in that better place.
I want to be with him again.
Take me there.
Now.
Please.
I will take my life for this.

Why does he get to be in the better place?
I will gladly go.
Is God just leaving me here to die?
Clearly.
And that is straight ****.
I don't want to be here anymore.
And you take away his opportunities.
When others are not thankful.
And he is the most grateful.

I really am sorry too.

and it's okay to not be okay.

Everyday I wear a cross
But usually I forget why

I mean it's silly
A big man in the sky
Putting me through some hell
That people call life

I go to church most Sunday's
And ask for forgiveness
For things I intentionally did

I say a prayer each night
Just in case someone is listening
And during the day I'll randomly say
*******

But I guess when the bucket is kicked
I'll find out how stupid I am
Because right now it's late
And very dark outside

I love you, God
I'll talk to you tomorrow before bed.

i thought you at least had the decency to end it all.
you hurt me in every way possible.
you stabbed me
right in the back.
you suffocated me
with every single word you whispered.
you slapped me
with the biggest wake up call
of finding out you lied all along.
you choked me
up with the strings of slander
that you spoke with so much sincerity.
you poisoned me
with your sickening medicine
named false hopes.
but for some reason
you believed it was okay
to leave me here struggling.
i have no scars of proof
but i do have one broken heart.
that hurts like ******* hell.
maybe if i'm lucky i won't recover.
silly me for thinking
that if you took me this far
you would have just killed me.
i've never heard of something so cruel:
letting me live.

when you were 7 years old, did you ever think that this is really where you'd end up?

The best advice I can give you
Is that nothing lasts forever.

Because one day you're going to be dead and one day maybe long after that, but sometimes not, the idea of you is going to die. People are going to forget who you are and one day someone will say your name for the last time.

That's scary but at the same time it gives me peace.
Peace to know that every mistake I make,
Will at one time never matter.

Some time from now every thing, great or small, will not matter.

I was just one mark on the world and one day I'm going to fade away.

Just as the rest of us.

I hate the way tears dry on my cheeks.

You're done crying
But you still have the reminder of the pain.

I hate the way I go talk to my friends
And they have no idea
That when I smile
I can still feel the salt from my tears.

I hate that feeling of the salt
Because I know I could still trace the way the water once fell.

I hate the way tears dry on my cheeks.

and i hope to see you in the next world.

maybe then we'll do this right.

Only a fool
Asks for the stars

But doesn't accept darkness.

i am sorry that my everything was nothing to you.

you're really good at proving to me i deserve better.

Cause I guess I'm part
Of this larger plan.

All these hard times
Will eventually
Lead to greatness.

That's what they say
Right?

Well I'll let you in
On a little secret.

We all end up in the same place.

It's funny how someone else's life can be taken away
But it takes away some of your own life
It's comical how people throw words around
Like they're the pitcher in a baseball game
It's hysterical how happy I look while laughing
And how hard I sob at night
It's hilarious how my friends don't think I know
All of the things they say when I'm not around
It's down right awful how I can never tell anyone any of this
Because I'm known to be strong

life is a lot harder when you have no one to turn to.

why yes,
i have friends.
and yes,
we hang out sometimes.

but that doesn't mean i'm not alone.

saturday night:
we go to a party and get drunk as hell.
then i sober up for a half of an hour before i go home to my parents.
what a great night.
but then it's 4am and i'm shaking in my bed because i'm terrified of my thoughts.
there's no where to run and no one to comfort me.
because if i ever say how i really feel,,
they'll know how mentally unstable i am
or they'll think i say it for attention.

i think of myself as a selfless person
but even i need to talk about myself sometimes.
(i'm sorry for that by the way)
but when i do want to talk you can't seem to find the time.

i didn't mean to bother you i really am sorry i just don't know where to go sometimes.

*i am constantly searching for a corner to hide in but i find myself in the center of a circle that i don't want to be in anymore.