I like
When I think
About you
Late
At night

Because
You deceive
My mind
To thinking
I'm okay

When clearly
I'm not

You put
My heart
To rest
Thinking
You
Love me
Too

But
You don't
Or else
You would have
Called
Or something

But I
Really hate
Thinking
About you
In daylight

Because
My mind
Is more conscious

And
My heart
Is less
Open

And
When the sun
Is up
Shining
On me

I
Just know
This
Is where
We
Are meant
To be


Distant.

I'm closing my eyes
In hopes of waking up tomorrow
And realizing
Tonight never happened
And it was just some
Horrible nightmare.

Please.

when we started all of this i wanted to be with you to make you happy.
clearly i couldn't do that anymore&& i'm sorry for that. in the beginning we made each other so happy. and i have a difficult time understanding what i did that changed your happiness.
but i guess that's life and one of its mysteries and we just have to move on from this. and by we i mean me because you're already so far past me. but that's okay that's how things happen. and i will never understand but just think of all of the things i will never understand. heck, what i do understand is so minute we might as well call it nothing.

of course i still love you,
i don't know why but it's just one of those life things that just happens and that's okay. being that i still love you means i want you to be happy. and your happiness no longer includes me but i'm beginning to come to terms with that. so i hope you enjoy the rest of your life and i hope one day you will talk to me by choice because what we once had doesn't go away-- even if it just ends up in a friendship.

sometimes that's what you need.
a friend.
and i will always be willing to be yours so never be afraid to give me a call.

You are my drug,
And I'm about to overdose.

Am I truly happy
If I have to
Convince myself that I am?

i miss the memories we'll never be able to make.

I guess
I could say
It's not that bad.

Earth.

Because when
I make a mistake
I know that
Tomorrow
When I come home
There will still be
Flowers
On my trees.

So I guess
Some greater power
Shows me
That I still
Deserve beauty.

please never tell me something that you don't mean,,
because i'm too stupid not to believe it.

you can't fall in love with someone only because they love you too.

My parents think I'm depressed.
And I'm starting to believe it myself.

I can't recall the last time I was truly happy.
I never accept my surroundings.

Who would've thought
That I'd end up here.

I never expected something like this
To happen to a girl like me.

I guess that's just what other people do to you.

I always tell myself how I need a change of scenery.
I'm slowly beginning to see it's not the setting I want to be different;
It's the characters.

I apologize for everything
Even when it's not my fault.

I guess it's because
No one ever apologizes to me.
And I don't want anyone feel that way.

99% of the time I feel like a ****** person

And the other 1% I should feel like a ****** person

I'm not good at anything new.
I hold onto the past.
No matter how badly I want to let go.
I want something fresh.
But my mind won't let me have it.

I know my doings are wrong, but I can't seem to stop.

It's not fair.
I never get what I want.
Especially who I want.
I love this boy.
And he really truly likes me.
Why can't we be together.


******* it.

When I come home
From hooking up
With some boy
I don't have feelings for
And I look in the mirror.

I just know

There isn't a single thing I like about the image I am seeing.

I've never been good at commitment.
My parents tell me I never slept with the same toy twice.

I guess times haven't changed.
I can't bring myself to be with you.

You're too good for me.
And I can't allow myself to be with you.
Because the last thing I deserve
Is you.
Because you could be the best thing that's ever happened to me.
And I can't give myself that.

I don't respect myself enough.
I can't give you some **** to take your gold.

So what I'm trying to say is
We'd never work out.

As cliché as it is
It's me not you.

I can't live up to you.
Don't try to tell me I'm wrong.
Because as soon as you
Take me home to your mom.

She'll say the same ******* thing.
I think it's time to move on.

I am beginning to get this new feeling.
I don't have much of a way to describe it.
But it's this combination of love and compassion -- wanting to help others.
Mixed with this craving of being alone and giving a rudeness to all.

Recently I think I've found myself,
but I'm sad to admit that I don't like the people I am.

I have found that I am two entirely different persons.
I am a walking hypocrite.

I'll catch myself doing something that later I will judge others for.

One of me is kind, caring and wanting to make a difference.
But the other wants to leave behind all of this and get away from everyone.

Why can't I find my happy medium?

There's a devil and an angel making my decisions but why can't I find the body that fits between that makes the right decision for me.

Why can't I do what's right for me?
What do I want though?

Who am I?

sometimes speaking no words at all
says much more,
is even louder
than trying to explain yourself.

I think up
This great fantasy
Of moving away

I think that
I need a new setting

But it hasn't taken me long
To realize

It's not this place

It is my mindset.

my brain thinks faster than my hands can write.
so i'm sorry for hardly ever making sense.
but please don't question me.
because i probably have no idea what the **** i'm talking about
and i really don't care to know what i'm talking about.

even if i do know what i'm talking about,
i don't care to share.

figure it the **** out.

i'm sorry for everyone i have bothered

love is the best horrible thing you'll experience.

You remind me of
Wilting roses.

Once so pretty
And full of life.

Now dying
And able to see the end.

Please don't be bothered
If I come along with you.

Because I can still see
All of your beauty.

Who do you
Spend time with

When your annoyed
By your peers

And sick
Of your family?

No matter how hard I try
To ignore these thoughts within
They are there.
And I can't change how I feel
But I hope to change
How I show you.

I was lonely
And he was charming

He showed me comfort
And you didn't bother to text me

I can't say I regret it
Because you've shown me no reason to.

it's like
i'm an artist
and you're blind.

i've spent countless hours on these paintings.
i've put my everything in them.
there are small details that even the professionals couldn't notice.
and it turns out you can't either.

so why am i still painting?

I don't know much of anything
I don't know where my life is going
Or who I'm gonna be with
How I'll end up making do
Or anything really else

I do know just a few things
I know I'm a handful
And I know I feel bad for whoever I stay with
I know I'm sadder than I should be
And I know that I should be a better person
Bc I know I have all these great people around me

But I don't know what I have to give them

I know that I'm not deserving of this beautiful life
And I know I always want to cry

I don't know why my friends say they're here for me
Bc I really don't know what I need

I know I want someone to help
And I know I want someone to be there along the way
But I also know I'm not stable enough to stay around

So I guess I do know a little
But they don't help with the things I don't know

So what does it matter if I'm more unaware than I have knowledge of?

So what does it matter?



I don't know.

My hands are still shaking because I know I'll never speak to you again. I am still crying because I know I'll never hear your laughter again. I am still mourning over the idea of never hearing you cry again. I am still nervously laughing because I'll never hear your lies again. And maybe I never had time to let these sink in, because quite honestly I've never been so ****** up. But maybe I never was okay and now I'm letting you take the blame. For you are never going to be able to defend yourself again, and quite honestly, I'm still bitter.

Just know
that our comprehension
of each other
through communication
is furthest understood
through words.

And words have a limit.

So maybe we
are just beyond that.

Late at night
You look up
A clear sky so to speak
Crystal clear -
You can see to other galaxies
Billions of stars
Millions of planets
All waiting for some recognition
Or to be found
I guess I, too, come out at night
For these same things.

So maybe we aren't all so different.
Alike in our emptiness
Along with our vastness
And also our sadness.
Yes we have our own variations.
Maybe in looks
Possibly in styles.
But we are more the same than anything else.

By my size or the way I dress you may judge.
But you must see a little bit of me in you.
How similar we are
Sitting out late at night
Looking for just something.

I sort of feel like I have this artificial happiness.
Smiles on the outside;
Worries and sadness on the in.
Is that how I'm supposed to be?
I guess I don't care.
Because I think I'm kind of happy.

Oh ******* it

I just want to live atop a mountain
And paint what I see
And write a book
And pick my own flowers
And be no where near people
And make things from wood
And warm myself with a fire

And oh how I can't wait to take things into my own hands but nothing scares me more than believing I'm going to ***** it all up.

When drowning in your own thoughts
You have to be your own life saver.

Because no on wants best for you
More than you.

And I promise
No matter what it comes down to
You'll always be placed second
By everyone around you.

You're responsible for putting yourself on top.

So hold your breath
And swim on up.

Sometimes I jump at the view of my shadow.
And I smile as tears are rolling off my cheek.
When I hear someone whisper my name I pretend it's you speaking.

I have a hard time admitting this but I need you to know that even though you aren't in my life anymore,, thinking about you is the most important part of my day.

There are so many words in our language.
So many ways to express myself.
A large sum to describe myself.
Joyous just isn't one of them.

Everyone tells me how I'm the happiest person they know
I laugh the most
And I'm extremely positive

Little do they know
How right they are
When I'm lying in bed
With a big smile on my face
And a tear rolling down my cheek

sometimes i need to see
that life isn't going to be this fantasy.

eventually i'm going to wake up from this dream and i don't know what will be worse after that, staying awake and living reality or going back to sleep and you being my nightmare.

the clock is ticking, the sand is spilling
and i'm just hoping time doesn't run out.

Just because
I don't love you
The way I love someone else
Doesn't mean
I don't love you

I do love you
Just in your own special way
The way
You deserve

So what do you do when someone you once loved
Or whom you thought you loved
Comes back to you
Dangling right in front of you
So close your lips can touch it
Maybe they do
Maybe even a little more than just that

But you realized it's nothing you ever wanted
A lot less than you expected
And an overall disappointment

This guy is a jack ***
But everyone else loves him

So what do you call this
Me pleasing my middle school self
And not satisfying the current me

But also not having the ***** to stop it
Or the nerve to tell him off

How do you end something you only could have ever dreamed for but now that it's here, it's not enough


When the past calls,
Never pick up.

It's 3 am somewhere
And that's just another reason
For me to tell you this.

I think I've gone mad
I just might be insane.

Come along with me
And together we can be crazy.

The rain hits windows.
As I hear it; I think more.
I am not happy.

I'm not usually one
To spill secrets

But as long as you don't
Pass it along
We'll be alright.

I guess I can share a few
As long as they aren't about you.

Actually they have to do
Entirely with myself.


As sad as it is,
Everyone around me
Thinks I've gone insane.

And I'd be lying if I said
I disagreed.

So listen here carefully
As I speak of me.

I'm very confused
About what to do.

They say that
Only people you know
Are in your dreams.

Which is why I can't seem
To ever fall asleep.

But also I never want
To be awoken.

Because that would mean
I'd have to see them.
And it's even worse
In my reality.

So where do I go?
Hopefully heaven.

Shhhh.
Please keep my secret.

I don't know why I cry.
It doesn't fix anything.
And there's no one there
To wipe them away
Or at least comfort me.

Getting out of bed in the morning
Is a lot harder to do
When you have no one to wake for
And generally
No reason to live.