Zillions of tweaking bums
Sitting here and there some are rambling non stop
Others are rolling  the glass ****
Or WITH a rig in their,arm

Sometimes you see a few tweakers
Staring at the the pipe begging
With crocodile tears these we all know as fiends
Drama fills the little shack
Stolen electronics array and ***** needles in every trash can.. as well is outside  on  the ground
Sad and pitiful

Scary things that reek havoc
In my life seem to form in a instance
Not giving me a  chance to seek a place to hide

My heart is breaking
My hands are shaking
Mentally naked

Everything begins to cave in
Melting my ways to seem whole
Deluding my positive mind
Narrowing  my  choices
Reasons to write a knowledge
I know that  saved  my soul
To have in me the power to grow
Stronger a pen and paper
Make me feel really great
Now I don't have to worry about
Leaving my life without being remembered as the caterpillar
That turned her sadness into muticolored life .. now a butterfly
To fly away from the scary things

Injecting magic into my veins
It's a  little bit like playing with fire
The monsters come out
They seek and find ways to
Poison your thoughts
And make you distraught
Awake but not in reality

No one can say this world's the palace  of wonderful  things,
When born into a broken home,
Where the love given isn't shown
A concrete hell
A saddened reality
Where we see a corrupt sight

My mother with a depressed life
Seeked herion to feel numb.
A brother rebel of his own making
Tool, pantera and slayer his music engraved his soul
Marilyn Manson echoed his ROOM Nothing but anger. ..
Loomed...
A sister thoughts outlined in chalk
Her addiction to liquor flowed forth HIDDEN
Away .. to cover the years that were in a disarray
She always wanted a perfect size two body
To show off... anorexic and bulimic disorders covered her pain..
Innocent and still so very young
I was locked away in My fantasy world
Barbies and Polly pocket... and my teddy bear Bentley. .
I climb the tree in my front yard to protect myself somehow.

Teasing me my sibling would say..
Hahaha your the adopted one
The truthfulness wasn't there
Why did no one care
Issues of a broken home
Memories come flooding back

I wasn't strong, my knees were weakened by the addiction that feeds  my forsaken life..

To be a amazing person with the ability to overcome it and show the world I'm different then the rest...
To bad so sad I failed the test.

My addiction never fooled ANYONE
I had no idea how strong of a grasp it had on my soul, it took the innocence
And left a big hole.

To think I would  be just fine
That it wouldn't
been blawing my eyes out
Because I lost months of my life..

Disappeared in the blink of an eye..
Wrong of me to think that I would be an exception.

Now this battlefield in my life
A wrecking ball with cracking frames, writhing dreams,
Shattered hopes,
Devastated CRYS
And don't forget guilt ridden
Thoughts separated family
Children with unanswered questions
And fears that **** the soul
For I can't let them know
I chose to not try
And now..
2YEARS LATER I WANT TO SHOW THEM MOMMYS GONNA NOT FAIL
BUT TOO LATE ..
I BAILED
And failed my sweet babies sooo extremely much
---
A few thoughts of suicide entered my brain but that won't solve a thing

So I have 13 years I have to miss of the memories I can't have  but with time .

I can ensure my life will be on the right track
When their 18 with a head on their shoulders. . My chance to be the mother I was supposed  to be
Will be at my feet!

For now its only hopes in my dreams

This thoughts in my mind
Repeat over and over
Picturing it like a movie on rewind
I reminisce the past as I close my eyes.

Memories come flooding back
Breaking this this cage of glass
I simply don't think anything through.

Now I'm here, what can I do
My heart is now broken and ripped in two.

The secrets I locked inside my mind
Is best kept tucked away hidden from the light of day.

If my secrets was revealed
I wouldn't have my best friend
Eric Pratt to enjoy  in his company anymore.

The truth about myself is smashed into millions of pieces stored in a box  labeled top secret,
So my tears and fears won't come true and ruin all the things that reeked havoc in my addicted lifestyle


No one can know ...
I now swallow my key
So I can't lose my friendship
And ruin my life from the mistaken
CRYS and immoral lies

I miss the way you loved me,
Will I ever know that love again?
I wasted my energy on drugs and gambling problems, when you waited for me.. I was to busy fulfilling my selfish to do list..
Now realizing  what I had .

Oh my god I wish I could erase the past..
Redo the damage done
Think through the things I didn't know. .  I thought  that it would never be a different kind of truth

Facing reality I realized I'm burnt.
No more unconditional love from my sweetheart Eric.

His tears were over he wasn't going to take this anymore. He decided I'm not the one .. he didn't want to hurt any more. .

I broke his heart and seemed not to care and when my heart decided to try and can't seem to fight the tears I now cry..

A blank stare
A void reality
A broken promise
A shattered existence

A innocent child
A false hope
A crushed dream
A broken home

A ruined family
A depressed life
A hollow future

A missing parent
A guilt-ridden mind
A consequence
A numb heart

Shame on me
For having emotions
To express sadness
To have tears
Shame on me
For having fears
To escape the darkest hour
To hide my love from the hurt
Thoughts from my brain
Will splatter !

I have lost myself ,
Not sure whats real. I dont have words to speak how feel . . Im feeling so alone even when your  in the ROOM
Nothing, Seems real
Thoughts of destruction & chaos flash in my life
Unroll &
unravell,
Tainted, Stained, Strained, dismembered, delusional
derailed.