I want to feel your skin graze mine
hot and lazy
in the summer afternoon
light and delicate

as if almost on accident
as if almost on purpose
as if almost in love

I want wet kisses that stain the curve
of my neck from the lingering presence of your lips
The breeze caressing and cooling the marks you've left behind
Trailing goosebumps up my spine

I want to feel your warm tacky fingers sticking to my thighs like you've just messily eaten something sweet
Moving like slow molasses
Melting me in the humid heat

I want to stay right there
with the summer sunlight trickling through the window blinds
With a dull sitcom on TV
The cued audience laughter
muted in my mind

Playing my faux innocence
in that dreadfully pleasurable
moment of yearning for you
forever

Please don't throw me away
Even though I'm broken beyond repair
I just want to be with you
Even though I'm scared
Please don't throw me away
Because there's only so much
I can take
And these pills don't swallow

I know that I am trash
And I never will be great
I'm subpar
A mediocre girl to be forgotten
In a melancholy world full of hate

I know that I am garbage
Everything I do is wrong
Little things- they overwhelm me
Even as I write this song
And creatively it's better to be low
These landfills fill
But nothing else

I know I am useless
As I sit here writing these words
I know they're not going anywhere
Because I'm not going anywhere
But still I write

I know I am ****
As the crumbled up pieces of my heart surround me
The ink smudging from my tears
I realize they're worthless
Scraps no one will ever see

But I still won't throw them away

Will I always want to die early?

A head on collision
Fractured skull with my brain seeping out like oil -black gold
A robber with a gun
Carpet stains forever -the realtor will claim it's wine
A tumor
Cells they're multiplying -a death by creation
Spontaneous combustion
The stench of my body's blackened burning flesh -actually smells pretty tasty
Drowning
Gasping my life's last breath as I scream muted screams and water poetically fills my lungs - shimmering bubbles float to the top

My mother sobbing and cutting herself for months
My father goes insane and shoots himself in the head in my room
My sister cries herself to sleep and wishes she would have seen me more
My best friend doesn't talk for years
My boyfriend throws up at the thought of my death everyday while his parents claim god will make everything okay

Or they'll all write best selling novels on how they survived my awful tragic death

And no one will ever read my poetry


Will I always want to die early?