We hadn’t spoken in a few days
Made a meal
&
Out of the clear blue I said
‘I don’t want to do this
‘Anymore
‘I feel like I’m wasting my life

She dropped her fork
On her plate
&
Put her head in her hands
Silent
Tears dropped and she looked
Towards the window

‘Why do you say such things?

Tell her I’m sorry
I’m the biggest ****
Tell her it’s just that we haven’t
Spoken in a few days

I console
Kiss her cheek
Kiss her hand
Her tears stop
‘Can we go for a walk
‘That place with a bridge?
Of course we can
&
We get a coffee
Talk movies
As we walk
Hand in Hand
&
She still doesn’t realize I still
Meant every ****
Word I said
That morning

People always ask me what I’m running from

I tell them I’m not running from anything

I’m simply standing up straight
In the storm

And what you see is the storm passing over me

I don’t care about the storm
&
The storm don’t care about me
Simple

Once
In my 20s
I acquired things
Material Possessions
A
Wife
Kids
Mild success
Church goer
Do gooder
I cared about parent teacher conferences and great
School districts

In my thirties
It vanquished
Revealed its disguise
&
Lost it all
But that’s ok

Now in my 40s
I know all the
Happy Hour
Bars
&
Liquor Stores
Nearby
&
10 percent off Tuesdays
For wine
En vino veritas
Finally got the truth
I deserved
Had to lose everything
To get it
Thank you
Thirties

There’s only so much we can give
So much of ourselves
Throughout our lives
So much has been used against us
And yet we
At times still respond

Our favorite music
Our favorite quotes
Our most vulnerable period of

Our Lives
Given as gifts but used later as
Weapons

We can only give so much
And every time we feel
‘This is different
‘This will work
&
We give
As much as we can

I gave up smoking the day I found out my wife was pregnant with our first child

that VERY day

My father smoked at the dinner table, in the car, all around us

ALL the time

I’ve never been drunk around my children...EVER

I’ve had no more than 2-3 drinks, telling them the virtues of wine

My father, if he came home with a beer in his hand on Friday afternoon, we knew we were in for it until Sunday night.

beatings, going in to get him at 2am in seedy bars, pulling him off of my mother

I always tell my kids I love them. Everyday. Email. Text. Phone calls. Holding them close to me. Smelling their hair and holding onto them is my favorite place in the whole world.

daddy are you my best buddy?
’always and forever, your best buddy’

The last time I heard my dad say I love you where I think he actually meant it was Christmas 1979, 39 years ago. Unless showing up for little league games stone drunk & belligerent towards my coaches is love. Or never showing up at all on afternoons he said he would to go play golf with me...just me. No call. No show.

father...you used to be my daddy. Remember? I thought you were the strongest man in the world. You had the biggest hands. Mine were so small in yours

We don’t suffer anymore at the hands of our fathers

Do we daddy?

Remember when we were kids and you’d turn the corner when it was cold and you’d feel better knowing you’d be in your house soon? Under your blankets and near the fire? Your mother’s food being prepared? The smell of just being safe?

yes I remember

That’s how you make me feel...

You’re the reason why
At the beginning of
Revolutions
They drag the poets
Into the streets
&
Have them shot

Poets
With their ideals
Compassion
Courage
Inflicting the masses

They always shoot the
Poets
Not the pastors
Teachers
Laborers
Politicians
Press

Poets give hope
Even when they
Themselves
Have none...

I admire the ones who
Walk away
The ones who’ve disappeared
From view
Who decided my words
My actions
Were just too much
For them

Maybe...
I shared too little

One...
Wanted forever
Like they all do
One...
Cried herself to sleep
In my arms
Many a night
I really thought she’d stay
She’s been gone for decades
I wonder if she found
Another tree to hold onto
One...
Emails me once a year
On my birthday
That’s it
The only day

Words...Actions...Mapping Out
Constellations
They’re never enough
To keep them from disappearing

I admire that

Because my memory is so good
I can remember ages 3-4
Lying on my back in the grass
Listening to the crickets
The ants doing their thing
The clouds and the moving
Watercolor paintings
Move across the sky

Welcome to Kindergarten
Go here...go there
Sit here...take this test
Make good grades
How was school today?
You need to do better if you
Want to get a good job
Make a good living
Schoolings over
Work begins
Get certified
Train
Come in early
Go home late
4am mornings
7pm get homes
2 weeks of vacation a year
Fill this out
Put this in the mail
Save for your retirement
Eat better for a longer life
Take a glimpse of that cloud
Rolling by
Rememberclouds?

‘You’re late...this Better never happen again or you’ll be looking for another job.’

Years pass much like those clouds

Retirement

‘What are you going to do with the rest of your life?’

‘I’m ready to die...I’m ready to be among the clouds.’

It’s when you no longer care or get excited about the future that you begin to look old...

Somewhere out there...
In all that cold...
All that
D
          A
                     R
                               K

Is a good woman
Ready to be loved
By a good man
If only
She’d let me go...

An officer is
Educated in war
Combat
Conducive to Compassion
Leaders among men
Knows even when he doesn’t
Delegated
&
Dedicated
To the cause

The dead were many
On this side
And on theirs
One stood out to the
Officer
As his enlisted ripped
Toiled
&
Dismembered
His lifeless
Body

Arm broken
Skin under his nails
Riddled with bullets
Innumerable number
Of the officer’s own
Around this enemy soldier
Face covered in blood
The officer wanted to know
Why

Then it came out
The Letter
Written by him that morning
The officer unfolded

‘By the time you read this it’ll be a week until you are my Mrs., my have and to hold...my forever entrenched...’

The officer folded it neatly
Placed it back where it fell
&
Ordered his men to clean the
Soldier
As if he were his own
Who fought
Valiantly
Not to leave this world
If
Only
For
Love

‘I wish we could all fight for a love as beautiful as this...’

What if we don’t get up from the bed today?
Don’t call in sick
Don’t go to class
Don’t notify anybody
Who would come for us?
Would there be any concern
For days?
Hopped out of the fray
Swam to shore
Out of this
Raging River
After a week
Your employer
Your mom or dad or siblings
Would be asking if everything
Is ok
Then the bill collector
Power company
Mortgage company
After a month
You just simply decided to leave
Without telling anyone
What freedom did you achieve?
We weren’t programmed for this
To work 12-14 hour days
To die tired
&
Yet we do it everyday

Hitting snooze 5 times this morning is my only victory

I’d caught your eye off Broadway
One evening
Your hair pulled back
The sweat from the streets

Followed you up to
Washington Square
In Autumn leaves
You turned around and smiled

That upright bass was pumping
Crowds were swaying in
Harlem
I had my best gray suit on
Polished Florsheim wingtips
Electric maroon tie

That lipstick of yours
Made your eyes
Glitter so much goodness
The floral print of that dress
Forever
Tattooed
Upon my memory

‘It’s nice to meet you...’
And we couldn’t take our eyes
Off each other
That first night
Jazz trumpets
Trane hitting that sax
Moonshine
To go with
Moonlight

3am
Walking back south
Through the park
Your hand disappeared in mine

‘I want to see you tomorrow...
I say
‘I want to stay with you today...
You say

‘I’ll never kiss another...’

Good medicine or bad medicine
You protected me
Like a mother would
Shielding me
Even if my clouds were dark
My eyes red
My skin made of scales

You still made something
From me
Saw the good
Even when I didn’t want to be

It’s okay to ruin someone
With love
It’s never okay to ruin
Their trust
In people

If she says it first
Believe her
Ruin her with love

All those wanting your
Attention

Let them fall into the abyss
Ruin her with love

Not just flowers
But everlasting
Devotion
&
Compromise

Dedicate with impunity
Kiss her little toe
Let you be her drug of choice

ruin her with love

Cry with her
Argue with her
Make up for days
Hide things for her heart to find

RUIN HER WITH LOVE

And if you can’t do that
Then leave her where you
Found her...

&
One day you’ll be too much for them
&
They’ll leave and never come back
&
They’ll delete you from their life
That idyllic
Romantic
Notion
All of it

&
You’ll be tempted to go after them
Let them go
Set them free
Unlock the cages
You’ve put them in
The Empty Promise Cage
The It’ll Get Better Over Time Cage
The There Is No Other Love Cage

Be happy for them
&
For yourself
They’ll remember you fondly
As no other
Perhaps a song
Or a verse you wrote
Especially for them

&
Get used to one meal checks
Wine down the drain
Unanswered pleas
The smell of them in your clothes
Their pillow you can’t part with
&
Realize it was your uniqueness
That made you different
What they fell for
&
What tore
You
Apart

Hey crazy brown hair
From the Far Away Land
Making preparations for sea
Taking both of my hands

‘My sails made of paper’
‘My mast of toothpicks’
‘Pull up the anchor!’
‘Underway! Underway!’
‘I shall see you today!’

‘You’re so far away’
I say
Your finger over my mouth
‘I shall see you today!’
You say

Hoisting our flag
Singing our songs
Taking pulls from *** barrels
You’re my sailor
All along

Fair winds and following seas
My lady
From Far Away Land
‘I’ll see you today’
I whisper
To the burning horizon
‘I’ll see you today...’
‘Love you crazy brown hair.’

Somewhere along the way
Cobblestone paths
Effervescent clouds
Escape
I was abandoned by the gods

I’ve looked 2 in the eye
Said ‘I do’
Wanted to love them forever

One died young
Forever 25
One gave me children
I’d open the front door
Those little feet running to me
‘Dad’s Home!’
‘Dad’s Home!’
I miss those...taken from me
All of it...

‘The baby is lost...’
Ingrained
Insurmountable
She blamed me
In her hurt
In her reasoning
It was all my fault

I dream of it constant
All that I’ve lost
All that I’m cursed with
In memories

Abandoned

Stood there waiting
Staring, unblinking
Pitch dark
Could make out the front door
The silver on the counter
That’s it
5...10
Minutes go by
Wanting something
Anything
To come through
A
Silhouette
A
Face
A
Hand
Even if cold & dead
To touch me
In the darkness
To let me know
I’m not alone
‘I’m here...ready to be haunted.’

Nothing
Even the spirits
Have better things to do

I can’t wait to read the book
Of my life

I’m going skip all the
Chapters

Until I get to the part
Where I get to meet you
&
Read it
Over
&
Over
........

On some days it won’t
Need tending to
We can watch the smoke
Billow & Reach
To the sky
Embers mixed with night

Other days it’ll be at the end
Of our wick
And it’ll seem like it’s dying
Just a whisper of light
We won’t like those days
But we’ll get through them
We always do

And some days will have
Blindness
Darkness
And we’ll need to feel it
Each other
Closer
‘Come warm yourself...’

But the best days
Will be when it seems
Like the world is alight
By our love
&
I’ll kiss every inch of your
Cindered
Skin
Wanting to be burnt
Alongside you

And hell won’t be of any surprise
Because I’d have been
With you...

If all you give to love
Is a body

Don’t be surprised
If your Other
Goes in search
Of the missing parts
That you can’t give

I swear there’s nothing
And I mean nothing better
Than the Beginnings
Of something wonderful

A steak
First sip of wine that cost more than $10
Someone’s words
Thunderstorm
Sunrise
Full Moons
Making eyes with a
Beautiful woman

Relationships
Are by far the best
Beginnings
Clothing becomes optional
&
All you want to do is
Be with them
&
Do anything they want

She got up in the middle
Of the night
Looked over and saw him
Content
His phone buzzed
She gazed at it
‘I miss how you made my body
‘Feel the other night
‘Can we again soon?’

For a moment she froze
Broken
Hurt
But chose not to say
Anything
To him
Because she had the same
Secret
Across town
That she didn’t want to end

If you know the mechanism
And you’ve survived all
These years
I
Applaud you

Men have it in small doses
Of rage
Barroom fights
Or when someone harms
One of their children
Understandable
Mechanism

I’ve seen & felt
The mechanism
3 or 4
Times in my existence

Where her eyes turn
Black as night
Like a shark
Ready to devour

Stabbed my food
‘I DONTWANNAPLAYRIGHTNOW!!!!!!!’

Tried running me over with the car
Threw a baseball at me from 3 feet away

Knives
Guns
If they were near
I probably wouldn’t be here

When you have that
Mechanism
You can shut off
Consequence
And the space in front
Of you
Becomes the most
Violent space
On earth

Your love was like freezing rain upon my branches...they’ll break soon under the weight of it...never to grow back...take me as I am...put me in your ground...blind me...for I just need to hear your heartbeat...let it sing me to sleep...invade my dreams there

‘You’re lucky...’
I told her
‘Why am I lucky?’
She asked

‘You’re lucky the stars are far out of reach...because if they weren’t, I’d bring one out of the nightsky
everynight...just for you...’

There’ll be a moment
Maybe mid 30s
Maybe mid 40s
Maybe your whole life
Where you stop
Gaining things
Money
Knowledge
Friendships
Loves
And you start
Losing them
Money in your accounts
Knowledge lost on deadend jobs
Friendships that you outgrew
&
Loves

The burial of parents
The ‘We’ll always know each other
Become just another thing
You lose
The
Hello
&
Goodbye

This guy is stealing your poems and putting them on PoemHunter.com as his own

We all need a Strong One
In our lives
Someone that sees though our
BS

Not to expose our weakness
Or make us feel bad

But a Strong One
Who can walk away from us
If our soul is too much for them

A Strong One
Won’t beg for you to stay
A Strong One
Will be there if you love
There is no One Way

The only way you know
If you have a Strong One
Is if you’re still pursuing
Hoping they’ll see your words

But they won’t
They’re Strong enough
Without them

I told her we could move in
Together
On one condition

‘Don’t ever tell me to cut
‘Down on my drinking
‘And I won’t tell you
‘To stop being a *****

She looked at me puzzled
Enraged

‘But I’m not a *****
She said

‘Good...’
Said I
‘I’m not a drunk either...’

One of the most wonderful things about life is discovering that the cause
&
cure
For that ache in your heart
Are one in the same

The truth about poets
Is
They’re not all alike
Some are derelicts
Scalawags
Lovers
Sisters
Some say they’re writers
Instead of Poet
For they know what that puts
Into the minds of others
Romantic
Lethargic
Gypsy
Some will never write novels
Poems are their Ulysses
Their ‘Love in the Time Of Cholera
Some are sad
Withdrawn
Choose to live there
While some poets
Use their words
To claw their way out
Some have fallen out of love
&
Want someone
ANYONE
to listen
While some have fallen in
the deepest ocean
&
Want to tell the world
What this man
This woman
Means to them

Most write their verses
Alone
Some at midnight
Some at sunrise
Some with coffee
Most with bottles

Most will never see the reaction
Of many
Will never hear
‘I like that...’

And most don’t want to be famous
Or sometimes heard
We
Just want to be
Ourselves

It’s not till you become an adult
That you reflect on the ******
Adults of your youth
Waiting on our dad in the car
As he attends his AA and court ordered Domestic Violence class
And he comes out and lights a cigarette and we have to wait another 5 minutes
He must’ve been mid 30s then

Or my aunt
She never worked
Had 13 cats, a hallway and
House full of stuff
We’d go by and there was a
Path to get to her bed
The rest was trash
Self help books and
A dozen or so roaches
Self helping themselves to
Her leftover Twinkies
She must’ve been in her
Early 40s then

Or my uncle
Who we’d tag along with
Cause he was a free babysitter
And he’d collect his unemployment check
Take out a little pipe and
**** on it and blow the smoke
Out the window
&
Look at the jobs that were
Offered to him
‘Oh **** that...’
He was fond of saying
I’m guessing he was in
His late 20s then
Never really holding down
Any job

And now I’m an adult
Working 70-75 hours a week
At a **** job
With a **** boss
And a **** ex
Who just ***** all over everything
I do
Maybe if I had beat my kids in a
Drunken stupor
Or allowed myself to be sad
To let the roaches in
Or was perpetually high all
The time
I’d have time for metaphors
But I don’t
I’m raw
My words are too

And I wonder what my young ones
Will say 30 years from now
When they’re adults...

For some dumb reason
I ask her what she does for fun
Wasn’t hitting on her but her eyes
Widened and she smiled
‘I like to cook..’
Which is puzzling to me
Cause I’m there everyday
Almost
And it made me wonder if
She had a life
It’s why I asked
For the following days
She asked me the same
Flirty in a way
‘What do you like to do for fun?’
She asked
‘I like wine...’
‘You drink alone?’
‘When I want to be...’
And now it’s weird
And she feels bad for the hours it
Took for her to get ready
And I’m gonna have to find
Another place to get wine
All because I just
Wondered why the young lady
At the wine shop
Was always there...

We’d fought all afternoon via text
After a decent good morning
‘Such and such saw you on Instaface’
I tell her she’s full of **** and she sends me a screenshot with
‘Don’t bother coming home.’

Not even gonna bother
Just take my time
Take pictures of my junk
&
Send them to that married woman across town and ask her if I can
Drop by
‘I got my kids...maybe another time.’
The Liquor Store
Come home
& Hear the tv on, see her
Out of the corner of my eye
She’s hidden the wine opener
But I got the $7.50 twist off Cabernet
And the Silent Treatment goes on
Till 10pm or so
Like I care to makeup
&
She starts in on me
Like She’s so innocent
With the ***** calls she told me
About
The guys she used against me
The one she was supposed to delete but kept around on another
Social media
‘I don’t have anything for him...’
Just pictures of your *******
It’s how you got me
It’s how you get them all
It’s how I do it too

We were built for pretty
For Selfies
For posting up
Our food
Our drinks
Our lives
That seem better than others
But not for love
Not for our souls
Just for pretty

They’re like the wife you didn’t see coming, and now you have to divorce them too
‘Mr Red when can we expect payment?’
‘If I give blood today, plasma tomorrow...I can send $30 the day after that but won’t eat till Friday.’

Bloodsuckers
Parasites
I would’ve stayed with my ex if I knew it was gonna run $10k!

$27 for a phone call with client
$37 to reply to an email from opposing counsel
$135.67 for 30 minutes of preparing documents
$78.63 for filing documents with courts

Yep...I should’ve been a **** lawyer
And folks wonder why nobody ever wants to marry again...
It was cheaper to keep secrets

‘Yes, I’ll send the $30 by Thursday...’

If you can maybe for a moment
Maybe this morning
Think of
The Lonely Soul

Getting up for work
Fighting the Tired
Caring for the Ungrateful
Putting up with the Bullshitter
Loving the Abuser

The Lonely Soul

The Barely Enough Time for Myselfers
The Secrets Piling Uppers
The Fake Accounters of Attention

The Lonely Soul

The Long Way Home Drivers to Hear One More Song
The Terrible Hole of a Relationshippers
The Insecure Hollowed Out
The ‘Im Oks’

The Lonely Soul

Those drinking from the emptiness of wine bottles
Those who can’t write out their thoughts and cares through poetry
Those who know they’re being cheated on
Those with the fake smiles fake lives fake problems fake drama

The Lonely Soul

Maybe we can get a moment of peace today

There will soon be 12 dead flowers in millions of homes all across the world...
Have mercy for them

One used to smoke and cried at least once or twice a month during our *******...
One used to write sticky notes on the fridge for me to find later on in the day...
One had a musk to her, snored when she slept on her side and sometimes asked for gas money...
One snorted if something made her laugh and asked if I could bring an orange soda home for her...
One hated having her feet touched...ever
One talked in her sleep...in Spanish
One loved everything turtles and only came once in the 100 times we did it...
One is rotting in a grave across town...having been gone now for 17 years...
One always interrupted my shower by thinking all men love it when you interrupt their shower, then turning the water to scalding...
One...I didn’t know her name and she didn’t know mine, but when I headed to the door to leave for my cab, she said ‘wait...I’ll get a pen, give me your name and number’ I told her I’d wait, she went into the kitchen and I left before she came back...
One...just wanted to be held. I held her for 4 months
One...had my name tattooed on her side. I told her I loved her, even though I didn’t...
One...I’ve never met but I dream of her constantly
One...Two...Three
Over time
The Bodies
Begin to pile up

Was doing just fine
Lost in the crowd
Page after page
When your song came on

Instead of turning it
I let it sink in
Remembering everything
You said to me

Everything