its pretty hard to watch the light go out
someone disappointed in you
who once thought the world of you.

no one is perfect
you put me on a pedestal
can't you see am human?
walking on the ground.

let me be me
a diamond rough round the edges
taking my time
getting where I belong.

Can't help falling under your spell
The more I get the more I want
You're awesome and great
I admit it's pointless to fight
This attraction I feel
Sinking into the warmth
Of your embrace willingly.
Losing myself in all that's you
You're good at weaving this web,
am trapped in your place

Here is where it all began
At the precipice
Facing all my dreams.
Glistening like water down below
I know I won't be hurt by them
If I hold my breath and dive
Feet-first into the depths
I can test the waters there
with my legs.
Still I am paralyzed with fear
What if I stumble and miss?
Hit my head on the rocks?
I won't get up again
will be as good as dead.
But a little voice whispers
'Let go and fall.
I promise to catch you'
And so I shut my eyes
Spread my arms like wings
and plunge headfirst into the abyss.

I fell for you so easily
like rain drops on a cloudy day
My fears ceased to matter
I was cool as cucumber
Thought you had got it
This thing we had going.

But nothing lasts forever
everyone says that
I should have prepared better
Maybe shut you out first
packed your love in a case
And returned it to you.

What am I supposed to do
Without a heart?
All my ideals crushed
I was truly naive to believe
in love with all it's forms.
Guile is the most common
Should have seen through you.

I reached out to you, poured out my heart and soul expecting a friend. Instead you turned your back on me. Trying to cope with the pain, of losing someone so dear. You hurt me more than i expected. In not being there for a friend. Maybe i chose the wrong things. In expecting you to understand. I had it all wrong. Nothing matters except happiness. But even that isn't pure without you here. I keep expecting to wake up and see you. Find that everything ugly never happened. But instead the ache of your pain hurts. I miss it all. I would try to do this differently but somehow it seems fated to end this way.

I want to sweep you away
on a surge of love.
Swelling, rising, overwhelming
Escaping the confines set.

I want to whisper in your ear
How much I want you.
With me, in me. Be with me.
Tell you that I love you
More and more each day.

To lose myself in you
Be all about you
Am falling so deep
Am crazy for you.
I want to kiss your lips
Slowly, sensualy, passionately.
Touch and kiss you
Brand you with my passion
you are all I want and need.

If I could breathe you I would
I dream about you
Whispering against my lips
That you love me.
Taste me, enfold me.
Consume me.
I am yours like you are mine.

Hold me.
Stop for a moment and feel
Every sensation when I touch you
The electric tingle
When I rain kisses on your body
Beg me to take you in me
And I surely will.

I want to come home to you.
To come and walk into your waiting arms.
To lie with you and tell you about my day,
Get you to talk about yours.

I want somewhere to call home.
A place where I can feel safe.
It's only around you where I relax and let go,
You could say you're my happy spot.

I want to end my days with you,
Wake up with you.
Know that you are coming to me each day.
Let's build a home together.

Fall in love too easily,
Date someone you aren't sure loves you back.
Watch them crumple your feelings like tissue and
throw it in the can.
Let them in some more so they can rid you of
every hope and dream you ever had.
And then let them leave you,
Cause you don't deserve to be loved.
Let them define you and insult you,
Tell you how worthless you are.
Listen to how they settled for you,
And no one can love you cause you're damaged.
Believe them.
Who would want to love you?
You're little pieces of a bunch of things,
none of which fit right together.
You are weak and desperate.
You don't deserve love.
You're nothing but a test drive.

In his arms I am fire.
Pure fire burning away the loneliness.
A flame that ignites and soars.
Higher and higher and with each touch.
A warmth that quivers against him.
For he is my match.
The strike that lights my heart.
The voice that wakes my every nerve ending.
The soul that so delights mine.
Together, a connection so deep carried over the channel.
Never to be severed for to have one is the other.
A team meant to keep the darkness at a bay.
A love that cant be denied.

Going round in circles,
That's what he does best.
Turning my opinions inside out,
Pushing me, pulling me, being with me.
He says am special, he says am not.
He never says yes or no.
Deftly playing my heart like strings,
tucking, twisting, threading me.
He wears my heart on his sleeve,
Like a cuff-link.

Feel so lost
Like maybe am in a wrong place
Or just teleported to the time
When i least want to be alive.
Everything hurts
From my aching bones to my heart
Weary love worn heart
In trying to love all i did was hurt you
I shouldn't have taken a gamble
With you as the stake.

Is it too much to ask
That the love lasts forever?
must it always come to end
In horrific painful ways?
I gave you my best years
and my hopes and dreams.
You desecrated my trust
Taught me what it was to hurt
So much my heart was breaking
into shards that pierced what remained.
You destroyed everything I had
You pushed me off the edge
of sanity and reason.
Turmoil fills my days
I am besieged by the pain
With every breath I take.
Why couldn't you have walked away
The very first day we met?
I wouldn't love you this much
See you in my dreams
need you everyday.
I wouldn't ache when you push me away
worry myself to sickness
over what you want and need.
I wouldn't cry myself to sleep
Curse Cupid and the fates
Am tired of loving
it only brings hurt my way.
Oh but for blessed quiet
no more panicked plans
Rushed moments and time
I want to unknow everything
I have come to know with you.

I watched my prince come in
Walking down a classroom aisle
He sat right infront of me,
He turned in his seat and smiled
A slow charismatic turn of lips.
I looked down at my book
Doodling tiny hearts
In tune to my fast beating heart.

The next day he sent me a note
'I like how you can't meet my gaze'
I swear i turned red
Even if am black and can't blush.
I scribbled a :p on the note
Passed it right back.

One day he asked me
' are you ever going to say anything?'
I asked for his name
He said we could trade names for a week
He was Jessie i was Jesse
We laughed at the word play.

He stayed after class the next day
We spoke through texts and notes
He perched on my desk and said
'That was nice. We should keep doing this'
I gathered up my books
He backed me into a corner
Kissed life into me
This was the start of our romance.

he woke up to find
himself in a box
a foursided wooden box
six feet underground
he couldn't breathe
could barely see
had no one to talk to
no one noticed him go
he felt alone
***** and all alone
in a cold box
all by himself.

She wanted the world.
But ended up sliced and served.
With a wreath and white muslin.
She had seen it all at 10,
The vices and misery offered
For all who truly wanted to partake.
It found her a little lacking,
In experience and vile.
And so spewed her out.
Into a casket to rest.

There is a little place that I go
When I want to be alone
Pretty, open and cozy
But only I can get in
Cause it's in my head.
Blissful silence like a breeze
No pressure or expectations
All I have to do is close my eyes
And just keep breathing.

I can write about my pain in lines,
Black mascara running down my cheeks with tears,
Needles piercing my nerves with stabs,
It hurts to think of you and what you did.
By not being there,
Not loving me.
Not needing me.

I was good to you.

You took my heart and twisted it,
Tucking it between a rock and hard place.
It was beating but bruised,
Shaking and shivering.
You cut it out while it still beat.
And wore it on your sleeve.

I can write of this pain in ink,
Bleeding my heart out on paper.
Writing you into my memories,
Writing you out of my subconscious.
And yet you're an inkstain on my paper and thumb.
You linger in the lines left behind.

I love how you're in control
Got me under your spell
Making me feel like you can
Carry me all the way home.

Perfect mix of cocky and ego
You're so **** that way.
Visions of you holding me
Closer than should be legal.

You're invading my mind
a little more than usual
oh yes please am dying
to have you with me.

To the place where she lay
And bled out.
Heart wrenching memories.
Pleasure,pain, loss.
She watched it seep out
In violets and reds and flashes of color.
It wouldn't be long.
She didn't want to stay in her skin.
It was clammy and itchy
Seeming to burst at the seems.
She wished for a reprieve,
A soothing calming balm
Across her battered nerves.
Her mind was bruised
From the thoughts of moments
Before and now and next.
If only she could live again.
She wondered what it would be like
To ignore the pain and get up
Walk in the sun's rays.
Up and down paved walkways.
Instead she lay in a tomb
Curled up on her side.
Shards of glass piercing her consciousness.
It hurt to exist.
She begged to die in peace,
But that too eluded her.
Like love and hope and faith.
And so she remained.
In a time removed from ours,
She was lost in a tomb somewhere between here and there.

Talking to you in the late hours of the night
Has become my lifeline.
Its my favorite time of day,
Where I don't have to feel alone ,
Knowing you are here.
You want to be here.

My heart flutters and pleasure builds,
You like me too.
I say I miss you even though its only been a day.
You say you need to see me and I am lost.

You have become my friend and lover in such a short time.
Giving me love and companionship in equal measure.
I can't help calling you, if only to hear your voice.

I think of you, everytime I open my eyes.
I see your face in the shadows watching me.
You look worried for me.
Do you think I have changed too much?
Am not the same carefree girl who fell in love.
The pain pushed me to leave,
I couldn't take it anymore.
Being dismissed as easily as everyone else.
You let me fall when you weren't willing to be there with me.
You broke me to pieces when you left without saying goodbye.
Now I see your face in every curve,
I hear your voice in the echos of your absence.
I want you with every tear.
I need you.

I close my eyes hoping the pain will pass
Excruciating
Numbing
Wiping out my conscious thought.
I should be used by now,
To the patterns it follows.
Betrayal,denial, anger.
How could you?
You couldn't.
I could hit you.
Is it possible i didn't know you?
That you were different for a while?
I probably saw what i wanted to
Between lunacy and desperation.
You see, i was afraid to be alone.
The sounds that keep me up echo
Wishes that it hadn't ended
Care for my shattered heart.
Dying on the floor where you tossed it
Am not perfect but i was right.
I dunno how to be strong and go on
when i miss you with every breath
Every thought rotates around your face
Swimming in and out of focus
Of my glazed mind.
I seek release in hot tears.
Falling like from the sky
Will they obliterate the pain?
Or my resolve to stay away?
It wasn't meant to end this way.
I was your love,or so you said.
We all expect love to last forever
Instead it shackles us and makes us slaves.
I don't feel free though.
I would rather be with you
And ***** the consequences.
Oh gosh it hurts so much
Am rolled up into a ball
Sobbing out my love.

dreams

sometimes dreams are all we have
when the world moves so fast
and our life comes crashing down
little shards of glass around
that can hurt you
if you dont tread softly.

half asleep we wade
through life's turmoils
only pausing where there is cause
to take in the flashes of color
red violet blue green mauve
life in its fullness, in entirety
as i live but a dream.

I knew I was lost the first time you kissed me.
You held me so close and I knew you were my last.
My heart stopped a bit, then fluttered to catch up with yours.
I wanted more but wasnt ready to let go of my inhibitions.
Something so pure turned bitter pretty soon.
Your insecurities and mine too drove us apart.
Seeing your name gives me pain,
Cause you were my all and I want that to end.
You broke me into pieces that can't be fixed.
And I need you yet I dont want to;
I want you yet I shouldnt.
I can't stop loving you.
Why wont you leave my heart?

After a while
Even hate grows cold
Pain dulls and numbs
Sorrow gets replaced
And we let go.

There were chains
Cold metal chains
I broke them, I cut through
I picked the cuffs
Or maybe I had a key.

Tired of being in jail
For a crime I didn't commit
Hating you was inevitable,
You drove me to it.
And now am stuck at this
It's a full time job.

Am taking a day off
Heck am quitting,
sick leave, with pay
Be sure I'll Sue for benefits
But am done here.
Served my time with grace
Let me go.

what is it about marriage
that ruins romance?
could it be the routine
or the familiarity
taking each other for granted
making less effort
forgetting why you fell in love.

I tried to love you
With every bit of my soul.
But it wasn't enough, i wasn't.
I gave you glimpses of me
The me i kept locked away from everyone else
Vulnerable, broken, needy.
You simply turned and walked away
And like a broken clock am stuck on you.
Your face and smile
Your warm embrace.
You cut me to pieces with your indifference
And still i yearn for you.

Today I breathed in for 5 minutes,
pure unadulterated air that didn't hurt my throat.
I let go and felt it tickle the inside on my cheeks,

Today I felt my heart beat again,
thump thump like a bass drum.
I let go and breathed your scent in.

Today I felt tingles go through my body,
as you held me and pulled me close.
I let go and felt your heart beat against mine.

Today I opened my eyes and looked into yours,
as you kissed me and watched me through hooded lids.
I let go and kissed you back.

Today I fell in love with you,
as you fell in love with my hands and smile.
I held your hand and lay in your arms.
This is the essence of life as I breathe in your scent,
and burrow in your embrace.

I wrote your name in the sand
but the waves washed it away
I love you, I love you.

I carved your name on a tree
but the bark weathered.
I want you, I want you.

I loved you once
guess I always will.
A moment for life.

If we should wake up one day
and not have love on our side
Remember that I love you
If destroyed still true.

I stand alone at the door
waiting anxiously for you
I hold on to a voice
Sounding in my head
One that urges me on
When no one else does.
The view that I watch changes
basing on my thoughts.
Bright and dull ones,
many a foe are perplexed.
But most of all I feel
That I can see the rebels
Before they cross my threshold
Those that wouldn't let me
Direct their waking moments
They undermine my orders
like a couple of pesky kids
So crush them I will.
With my every thought.

Right now when its dark and quiet,
I stay up and think of you.
Not cause I want to.
It is what I was meant to do.
By fate or whatever deemed it fit that I be yours.
I have no will to leave.
Can't even think of a life without you.
Nights like this i watch movies hopping to be lulled to sleep.
But instead they bring tears to my eyes.
Sad sweet stories that make me wish you spoilt me.
Things planted into my subconscious that I want.
I want you to love me,
Need you to hold me every night.
I miss your smile.
Think of you looking at me like am the center of your world.
I hate nights when you aren't here.
I can't sleep.

Why should one opinion matter so much
be the one that moves you
With a spring in your step
Or like death warmed over.

Why should one hand be
The exact fit with yours
Fingers entwined
and reassuring to the touch.

Why should one character meld
To the contours of yours
Leaving no scarred tissue
But giving you room to grow

I guess we were destined
To be together as one
Help each other through
the life left ahead.

I wonder if you think of me
as you lie in your bed
memories that are fuzzy
or crystal clear.
do u keep my picture
on your bedside table?
or is it stuffed at the bottom
of a stack of papers.
old and worn from disuse.

I lie beneath the stars and look
for your face,your smile
listen to your voice in the wind
have your picture drawn on me
a permanent tattoo
cause I need you here
in the air I breathe
in my dreams as I sleep
this must be love.

I remember when we wrote our names
In an interwoven ring
Bound together by promises
Made before crowds.
standing fast to dreams
Of a life together.
We wrote our names in ink
Strong and clear then
Now faded and faint.
Dreams shattered
Life goes on.

Dear Emmeline
I am writing to you from a hole,
from a place carved into cave
Sinking into an irredeemable apathy
into a very sickly depression.
I am asking for a hand, for this:
Reach for me,from this deep pit.

Edgar dear,
I am searching all the crevices i know.
Could this be the depression
That snatches unsuspecting souls?
And keeps for itself so it doesn't have to be alone?
I will not rest until i retrieve your troubled mind,
From it's depths and darkness.

You built a wall
Between you and I
At first with paper and string
And later with bricks
Severing our connection
Leaving not even a trace.
You shut me out of your life
Wrote me out of your story
with grim determination.
I loved you once
A mistake I won't make again.

I want to walk away,
But each time I take a step away,
find myself even closer to you.
You pull me in with those moments you let me see into your heart,
That am nestled there together with your fondest memories.
You whisper promises I can't resist.
I turn my back and you hold me close,
Your arms around my waist.
I lose my resolve to leave and hold you back.
I love you even as I try to stop,
My heart beats faster when you take my hand.
I can't leave you yet I have to go.
Am stuck on you.

It's been 5 years since I last saw you,
Your secretive smile and weird way of cocking your head.
I miss how you used to laugh at my silly jokes.
Pull me close and just hold me.
I wonder If you visit our old haunts,
Places we used to visit when you loved me and the long winding road.
We walked hand in hand under the stars,
Dancing in the rain and listening to the wind.
I sometimes wait outside your house,
Hoping for a glimpse of you.

I promised not to cry the next time I turned my back on you.
But I couldn't help it.
I broke my heart in a million pieces and left them behind.
Am aching to watch your smile,
your beautiful innocent smile.
I miss the sound of your voice,
That maniacal laugh only you have.
The space where you lay just a moment ago is smooth and clear.
No trace of you remains.
You were trying so hard to be strong but instead I saw the pain;
Buried beneath a false facade of bravado and charisma.
You said it was ok but I saw the aching loneliness and fear.
It hurts so much to let you go but I know it has to be done.
I hope some day you will understand because I don't.

different

have you ever wondered
what it wud be like
if you lived another life
had a different house
friends that aren't the same
the sky is gray not blue
and flowers grow on walls
would you be a better person
just cause you are a different person.

The pain
        The agony
Like learning to live again
Without everything you love.
The nightmares
         The horror
of everything black and blue
Grey and brown hues.
Reality zooming in
           Dreams phasing out
Oh but for alternate reality
to have what I badly want.
The noise
       The silence
I would give for explosions
and implosions too.
The chaos
         The order
It's a bundle of contradictions
Scattered in the recesses
Of my mind.

Am afraid that you
Will take my pulsing heart
And tear it to pieces.
Ruthlessly
painfully
Completely dessicate it.
Cause the truth is
You dont care
What I feel.
You don't  love
Me.
I keep lying to myself
And you lead me on
Maybe you like seeing me
Lose control of my inhibitions
Follow you like a bird
Really, you're heartless.

I never knew what loneliness was,
until I found myself trapped by these walls.
Powerless, prisoner to my wants, needs, and desires.
Cursed with the knowledge of what I wanted,
but unable to do anything to get it or free me.

The archangel came in that day unexpectedly.
On a wretched Sunday evening;
when all she had done was cry
and feel sorry for herself.

They circled each other warily,
like wolves who just met and
are trying not to trespass on each others territory.

Aren’t you going to say hello? She asked.
In a moment, he replied, I’m looking at you.
Why? She threw back. Certainly took you long enough to visit again.
How have you been, he asked?
I have nothing new to say, she replied.

Michael looked at her, quiet.
Arent, you going to kiss your love hello? She asked.
If I start I won't stop. He said.
And so what? She asked.

Michael wrapped his arms around her,
pressing his lips lightly on hers.
She kissed him deeply,
tongue sliding into his mouth.
She pressed closer against him.
He pulled her in by her waist,
fusing to her body.
Tasting her, inhaling her, touching her,
watching her, listening to her, knowing her.
His soul soaring.


He held her and asked, What do you see?
Everything. Nothing.
All I see is you.
You are everything.

Wrong, he whispered.

There is nothing without US.

She stared into his eyes.
I ******* missed you, Athena.

Finally. She said. And then broke down into tears.
He turned her around; Let it out love, let it out.
I missed you so **** much. She cried
And you came here with your walls high up.
I feel locked out. I feel alone. She said.
No walls that others don’t put up around me.
You have the only key, use it.

I shouldn’t be here right now,
I came in to make sure you were ok
and just to inhale you.

Don’t ever withhold your love from me.
kiss me like the world is on fire
and we don’t ******* care.

Understand one thing.
This addiction will **** me.
I am just trying to postpone death. He said.

She whispered, I can't breathe without you.
He tilted his head, looking into her. I am the air you breathe.
She whispered. You are.
He wrapped his arms around her,
slipping her onto her back.

Hovering over her.
His wings spread out, white and beautiful.
He moved down slowly,
kissing her sincerely and lovingly.
letting his tongue press into hers,
his hand on her hip.
His heart flowing into her.

She said you have no idea how much I needed that.
She kissed him lovingly,
tasting his steadfast devotion.
She took his heart with its steady beats and gave him hers,
beating erratically. She held his face lost in his spell.

He opened his eyes to drink in every ray of light bouncing off his woman’s exquisite body.
She looked back,
absorbing every emotion on his face.

I have never loved like this before. He said.
Ever? She asked.
Ever. He said.
He kissed her passionately, wantonly, hotly.

How have we lived without each other for centuries?
I can’t take the agony, She said.
We have never been apart, in our hearts. He replied.
She kissed him fiercely, stripping away his soul and body,
loving him desperately.
I have never loved this way either she sighed.

No human has, he responded.
We are not human. We never were. She said.
He held her close. if I asked you to stay like this, with me.
Just like this, would you?
For how long? She asked.
Forever. He said.

She pulled him tight against her. Stay.
Try to tear me off you. He said.

Why do you still love me more than anyone else Michael?
I know you have had other lovers, other lives;
I know you have been on different planes throughout time. However, your heart pulls me.
Every single moment of every day.
Eventually, the pull will be the end of me.

I love you for following me throughout time.
For coming here to my prison to visit me.
For letting me find me and be me.
And for pulling me close until I can't breathe
each time you see me.
I worship you, my goddess, he whispered.
I need you. Always and forever, she said.

I have to go, he said after a while.
She kissed him tenderly,
missing him already.
Be well, and be safe.
Stay in love.
I am in this with you.
He kissed her forehead sweetly and vanished.

I should have walked away
Before I was ensnared
In your thickly woven spell
strong and bewitching.
However much I try to leave
all paths lead back to you
Tightly coiled circles
Confusing mazes
I am lost at your centre
You seem to have no room
For my pathetic addiction
I need you so bad
But you despise that
I must have been trapped
In a glass jar.

Goodbye my lover
Even though am crying as I speak into the phone
I know it's for the best.
You have been everything to me
But you have broken my heart
irreparably into little pieces.
I still feel you next to me
When am asleep and curled up
Your arms around me
Holding me by your side.
You muttered her name
one night in my bed
She that took your heart
And lay in my place.
I knew then that it was over.
I will always remember you
Goodbye my friend.