The spirit is a real thing,
No matter how badly we'd like to convince ourselves this is our only stop in the universe,
Or we are a fragment of some wild imagination.

And maybe we can't touch everyone,
And not everyone we've smiled at in our lives will remember us in the long run,
But our essence and energy will linger around those who got to love us,
And the places we bought our after work drinks and early morning coffees,
Keep them comfortable,
And give them reminders of who we once were,
The presence we offered,
Soft or strong,
Something still tangible even after we've found our way into the dark.

Black and white filmography
Sky fallen melt away cotton,
Still at sea level, but in the pines.

Collect the sticks we'll put together
Build a fire in our newly white cathedral.
Tobacco and lavender soaked up in the fabrics that embrace me.
Some cinnamon too.

A song called Holocene made me cry when I heard it,
I don't know what it was about though.
White noise and blank space,
So so much of it.

Warm inside and it's cold out there,
Raw hands from my constant smoke breaks in the wind ,
Meat and potatoes,
Bread and milk, love.
I don't know when we're getting into town again.

He was quick and he was nothing,
Almost something, but still nothing.
He had an unattractive uncertainty of himself,
And desire to change into whatever I would love,
But I would never love anything about him.

He was transparent and flimsy,
He tripped on every word he spoke to me,
He was a shadow to step into on occasions of loneliness,
And that was all.

But as all things do,
even that became old.
I wore dark lipstick to draw him away from my mouth,
And bared my cold shoulders to keep him estranged from any warmth I had left.

And he still loves me, for some horribly stupid and poetic reason.

You give me that feeling
Like I've been missing out on something my whole life.
You washed ashore from the bar into my doorway,
Kissed my sleepy eyes.
I wanna take you all the way,
I ran out of things to say an hour ago
But I can't lose you now.

A state of gymnophoria I'm not well adjusted to,
Sink your teeth into my soul,
Just a little,
You could be the one I've been looking for.

I think I might be in too deep already
Taking a plunge into rose colored lips
I wanna see you more than just one night,
I wanna see you tomorrow morning.

****** knees and knuckles
Falling over in the back,
Cigarette burns on the cushion,
I ripped holes in my jeans
And my face was being kissed.

Got sick halfway home,
Lines of blow and I lost my jacket.
I wish I didn't fall into this,
Wish I didn't jump in.

Felt like the winter and I made a connection,
Except I was dead on the inside,
Not the outside,
But we both looked so lovely,
You could barely even notice.

Everyone's looking for love.

To be that cute couple in the coffee shop sharing whipped cream kisses,
With "Good Morning, Love" wake ups,
Anniversaries and flowers.
Sweet love notes, gestures, and uncontrollable smiles.

Not me.

At this point, I'd much rather be lusted and longed after,
So I can run away and be someone's only thought for a the next few weeks until they finally realize I really am not coming back.
I'd much rather cancel last minute on a hopeful young heart instead of showing up and making a real effort to love somebody.

I don't want to do it.

I don't want to be romantic, sweet and kind.
I don't want to be charming, blissful, and whole.
I don't want anyone to be my Sunday rest, my ocean breeze or my favorite holiday.

I can't do it anymore.

In a darkened corner,
Maybe half past 9,
Perhaps even later than that,
But I lost track of time.

He was beautiful and strange,
He was sitting at the bar.
I stuck out my tongue said, "buy me a drink."
Who knew he would take it so far.

Something came over me
Like a warm blanket on a cold night,
I was falling asleep,
But still walking underneath the glow of streetlights.

Stumbling around the neighborhood,
Yeah, I know it was a mess.
He held me close to his heart,
He just wants to see me undress.

There was blood on the sidewalk, there was ***** in my hair,
There were people holding onto my hands.
Trying to keep me there.

I said, "He just wants to **** me"
They said, "He's just trying to kiss you."
I said "He's trying to **** me,"
They said, "I wish I had that issue."

And then I was home,
Somehow and someway,
Feeling drained and disgusted,
I slept the day away.

I never really remember when certain things happen.
They sort of just seem to be as if they were always there, and fade into the background of my life, but this was different. This time I remembered everything.

I remember the way I kept staring at him while he kissed another girl,
The light from the fire beaming on his face and burning me up inside.
But he was chasing another dream in a green knitted sweater,
So I kissed his cheek goodbye at 2:38 am and drove home while the lack of satisfaction sat in the pit of my stomach.

The feeling didn't last though.
He asked me to dinner the next night after a few bad jokes and exchanges of numbers; I've never seen someone fall so fast from across the table for someone they barely knew, but it happened right in front of me.
Afterwards, I laid in his bed and kissed his mouth with a tenderness that had been unknown to me, leaving most of my sadness in my purse and a bit of my soul on the pillowcases, singing to him.  

I kept thinking and dreaming,
But ****, I just fell right in.
And everyone could tell.
I was losing my mind in a storm of emotions,
They'd say, "who'd you lose it to?"
And I'd be anxious and unwilling to admit to anything deeper than friends.

But I ******* felt it. I couldn't deny that it was a knife stabbing through my porcelain flesh, ripping me open again,
Yeah, I ******* felt it.

And my favorite thing to remember: so much so that it nearly consumes my head these days.

Sunday night role playing that started off as a joke, like role playing often does, but quickly escalated.
I laughed while I pressed my tongue to the inside of his cheek, and smiled when I licked his face; But for some reason, he looked at me like a person can only ever dream to be looked at. It's hard to put into words, but he looked at me the way people look at the ocean waves as they roll in to shore.
And that's when I knew.
And I couldn't forget about it.

You can't go around loving girls like me.
Too young,
Too outspoken,
Too wild,
Too free.
A big heart under fake *****,
Size DD.
I smile so big,
Pour my man some sweet tea,
He can have whatever he wants,
As long as he wants me.

Then I consider my options,
Think of what things could be,
I run away with my heart,
But always keep it on my sleeve.
Find myself in new arms, new beds, new dreams.
These men get lost in brains of girls like me.

I wanna say that I regret it,
But I'm where I wanna be,
Finally happy, finally serene.
So I hold onto him for the moment,
Until, once again, I need to be free,
Wish he could see you just can't love the girls like me.

So drunk I can barely feel my feet
But let me tell you something:
I'm not a stupid girl.
I've lived a thousand lives before,
I know what's happening.

I'm utterly nervous and uncomfortable
And I feel everything so very deeply
It gets to my core within seconds.
I want you to know that I'm still lovely
Even with my strange habits
And my inability to figure out what exactly I'm doing,
But I've always been true in all my life,
Because that is the most important thing to me.
Everything I have told you is true,
And I hope my words radiate your bones tomorrow morning.
I don't want to scare you away.
I hope you know that this could be right.
I'm not just that girl from high school anymore,
I'm a real person.
Remember that.

I've been circling around and searching my head all night in such a loving unconscious state,
And what a thought it was when I remembered you again.
And your ghost in my body, I felt you like February wind in the back of my throat,
You hit my chest with your fighting fists,
As if to start my heart, already beating out of my chest.

God, I missed your voice and the way your face lit up like a full moon in the summer night sky.  
What a mess you had made me for those few weeks after,
What a mess,
What a mess,
At least I moved on fast.
I don't  want to think about it anymore,
I don't want to think about what could have been,
What could have still lived,
What we could still be,
And I don't know why you're still haunting me on a Monday  night,
I need to get some sleep.
But you're still my everything in my dreams,
Begging, "Please, please, be with me."

Souls have no meaning here,
This is reckless behavior.
In the wrong places,

I am impatient and let the future get blurry.

I cannot make a decision at this point in time
If I am okay with the fact I carry no value to the one I let hold me.

I am laying exhausted next to someone
Who does not love my thoughts,
And brushes over my words with his own.

I am restless next to someone who's parents and friends I am not allowed to meet,
And leaves empty beer cans scattered after a night with his boys.  

But it doesn't feel as terrible as I thought it would.

Death boy need you by my side
Come and be my ride or die
Even if only for the night.

I've been working all the time,
Tryna give you all my light,
Tryna give you all my life.

I see you in the dark,
A break between the stars,
I give you all my heart.

Come to me,
Like the ocean,
Like the tide,
Take me down and pull me in,
Death boy, I'm ready to die.

I can't wait very much longer,
This yearning’s getting stronger,
I give you all my life.

After the first time I saw you,
Hiding in your black clothes,
Smile on your face.

I can recall every second,
Recall every moment,
Know the time and place.

I see you in the dark,
A break between the stars,
I give you all my heart.

Come to me,
Like the ocean,
Like the tide,
Take me down and pull me in,
Death boy, I'm ready to die.

I can't wait very much longer,
The yearning's getting stronger,
I give you all my life.

Don't call me baby
I don't care
Why don't you stop wasting your time on someone who's only half there?

I'm not trying to be the protagonist
And this time I am the bad guy,
Fine,
I've been the one so back and forth with making up my mind.

I can't answer your calls when I'm out getting my friends
I'm tangled in the webs of drinks, faces and heads,
Please don't get upset, I don't want you mad,
But when I'm not around, it's because I'm trying not to feel sad.

And you've told me so many times you would fill the holes,
And you're trying too hard to make me hot when I'm cold,
I wish I did care, but I don't have the time
To think about life with you in mine.

I know I know I know it'll come back to me,
I'll be a lonesome queen someday,
But you can call someone else baby
And they'll feel the same way.

And
And
And
Please don't look at me that way,
Like I'm someone here to save you,
I'm just in an odd position,
Catch me in the brief moments when I'm around.
Is it the inconsistency that draws you?

Wish I was something else,
Or we were on different  planes
Where we weren't just floating parallels,
Maybe we'd collide?


Sorry.

I liked you in the center of town where the cars rushed by but we sat in silence.
When my 18 year old body left class early to meet you at your favorite bar.
I liked you when you bought me coffee and took me to charity shops and we'd stare at all the books and records for an hour.

I was 20 years younger, I was so in love, I was a secret.
You were in the palm of my hand, and It was my favorite feeling in for world.

It was fun and then it hurt.

When you pulled away from my heart
The calls were less frequent,
I said "*******"
and tried not to think about it.

But I haven't forgotten.
I still get sad.

That you're in love and I am not
That you are happy and I am not.

I still miss you even though you didn't love me.

I'm trying to make art but I'm numb.
Lost the flow somewhere along the lines of wine and soft talks among friends
Where I already expressed most things of importance
And took no time to tend to the papers in front of me.
It's okay though.

I don't think I could ever speak so much I would never have a reason to write,
Bits of conversation just get lost in the air sometimes,
making it hard to form the sentences or sonnets.
But I'm so guarded in the places I never wanted to be,
I have too many things I could never tell through my teeth,
And that's when I find myself here,
A tad bit drunk and with canceled plans,
It's okay though.

It's all in your head.

That's what he said to me.
When I couldn't drink another sip of coffee,
Or sit still for another moment
Because my heart was racing so fast,
And everyone was staring at me.
Oh my god, my makeup is rubbing off.
I look so hideous.
I don't want to talk anymore,
I think I'm going to be sick.

It's all in your head.

How could it be in my head?
I'm not even a real person.
Who am I?
I feel like I died so long ago,
I think.
I feel like I'm looking through someone else's eyes,
Just a ghost, occupying a body that isn't mine.
My feet don't feel attached to me,
I NEED TO GO HOME.


It's all in your head.

Is it?
Is it all in my head, so congested yet still racing, trying to escape all these thoughts?
Is it all in my heart, beating like an angry man's drum?
Is it all in my lungs, gasping for breath?

It's all in my head.

It's all in your head.
It's all in your head.
It's all in your head.
That's what he said to me.

Sometimes it feels like all life is
Is a vicious cycle of holding on,
Letting go, and moving on from everything and everyone that gives us some sense of completion.

Something keeps telling me to let you go,
Something keeps telling me I should have never let you know,
I can see it in your eyes and they melt like the snow,
When I talk about my love for you and how like the March blossoms, it just grows.

The sweetness in the wind,
Sweeping under my chin,
Like your breath on my neck letting me know I'm too deep in.

I don't feel us parting ways,
But I know it won't be the same,
When you're twelve springs ahead of me in these silly games we play.

But I'll feel you in my chest,
When the fire you've planted begins to die,
And you'll stoke the embers inside my heart,
While the winter melts out my eyes.

I listened to the album we used to listen to for the first time in years.
Hard to admit, but my eyes burned a little
Trying to hold tears back.
I can still remember the smell of your car,
A mixture of those tree shaped fresheners
Cherry, new car, pine
And cigarettes that "weren't yours"

"You can shut it down, down, down..."
This was my favorite song, I think it was yours too.
This is the one that brings it all back.

These lyrics were stupid and sounded forced,
But we gave them some meaning, I suppose.
I hadn't listened to them since the day that you left
I think the CD was still in your car when they brought to the junk yard.
It all happened too soon.

It's weird.

In high school you feel invincible.
And I know that everyone says that but I didn't realize until after.
We didn't have any plans for the future and we didn't care,
All of us.
We thought things would stay good forever.
And then nothing was the same.
All we really have left are our memories,
Not even the CD survived.

Haha.

I have so many thoughts clotting up my brain, one day they'll probably just **** me, but to you, I'm still just a girl with no life experience,
Barely a person with any real worth.

There's serpents circling around in my head,
Biting at me so venomously,
And you lay your ignorance on my chest like being ten years older really means anything at all.

I'm falling over with uncertainty
I'm trying to get back on my feet,
Until I get pushed back down like I'm not doing enough,
I'm just trying to tell myself I'm not scared,
and you're making it impossible for me.

I don't know where it went.

There was passion in places and there were ethereal faces that needed to be described in the most extravagant way to the people who didn't get a chance to see them.

There was New York City lights in my eyes and cigarette ashes that peppered the snow and blew away in the freezing wind.

I was in love with myself and nobody else,
I was looking for hope in old second hand books,
In dream decoding, in slight movements of bodies.

I don't know where it went.

There was time that never seemed to end,
And words that rushed in like the evening high tide,
Pressing its hands on my throat,
Forcing me until I'm gasping
Write it all! Write it all!

And it was there but where has it gone?
Somewhere among the stars where all our other dreams go when we wake?
I've been searching for months, maybe it's something I've done to myself by mistake.
I don't know where it went.

Took the night for myself,
Spent it in a basement full of liquor and people who's faces I've barely come across.
You couldn't find the time or the reasons to see me until I didn't care anymore,
Only a handful of exhausted excuses.

Twelve o'clock with Piper,
Cigarettes on the front porch,
You were calling my phone,
I was too busy to answer.

And if you thought I was yours,
You were wrong.
I hope you know
I don't want you to put in more effort now,
I don't want you anymore,
Now you're on your own again.
I'm kissing your friends.

I heard once,
Actually, on several occasions,
That our hearts are as big as our fists.

And I believe there could be a love,
Somewhere,
That is untouched by age, time, looks...

But I think how small my heart must be,
My tiny fist,
Not even suitable for my size,
And I'm unsure if this could ever be attainable,
Though my ***** size has nothing to do with my emotional capabilities.

Or maybe I'm wrong...

Too much of a woman to keep being a girl.

I looked up at the setting sun today and something felt strange.
Leaning up against an old oak tree that used to hold a swing I would spend summer mornings on after tea,
And noticing the basketball hoop was now ridden with rust,
the one that my brother and I played with constantly
A decade or so ago.

And in this strong dose of nostalgia
I looked over to the pool,
now covered for the winter months,
And dreamt back into the summers I spent filling my lungs with air before taking a long dive and eventually breaking the surface into sunbeams
the top 40 hits on the radio once again.

I could almost hear the voices of all of my cousins and aunts and uncles,
The excited yelling and laughs at a party in this same backyard sometime so long ago,
And I just sat in the dark for an hour,
Contemplating with myself.
It's not normal for me to  wither in the past,
Because I know it's gone, and I know it's all just in photographs and thoughts,
But I couldn't get past how much everything has changed tonight.

You're a synonym for my worst nightmare,
Seeping through my skin like ink on paper,
Finding your way into my veins, till you're right in my heart.
I've been thinking about you constantly,
Your shy demeanor and awkward charm,
The way your fingertips lightly brush my jaw
When we kiss in my car.
I'm finding myself falling so fast,
Unable to catch the breath the I'm breathing onto your neck.
I didn't think this would happened,
You're softening me with sweetness.
I'm waiting for the night I realise I am completely enveloped in you,
I'm already dreading the thought of separation.
You make me feel terrified.

Don't leave me on open ends,
I don't know how to answer this kind of a question.
I don't know what you're looking for.
You crushed me more than anyone ever could and ever will,
I don't know how I let this happen.
I keep filling pages with cliches about our love and how it was real and how it wasn't real and how I've never been so confused in my life.
I was only fourteen, but god I felt you through my ******* body like a symphony written just for me.
All the beats and the drumming and the saxophone swirling up my spine,
You keep playing for me and running back,
Why? Why? Why?
I'm nothing special,
But you said I'm like the tenth dimension,
But what does that even mean?
You hold me like the baby I was when I met you,
When you had a needle in your arm and my tongue in your mouth
And tears on my shirt,
You really ****** me up.
Now you're in town again,
Trying to mend all these loose ends,
So do you wanna see me or not?
Of course you do.
I wanna see you too.

Remember when we were young and our parents weren't dead yet?

You're the worst kind of person.
You take my problems and contrast them to your own.
You have no idea what it's like,
Grow the **** up!
I don't even think about you anymore except when you leave me pathetic voicemails,
Still wasting my time,
But now it's all ******* mine!
You're nothing to me.
You're nothing.
Tell me how it feels to be so worn out and worn in to?
That's how you always made me feel for 18 months!
You say sorry one time
You think that makes everything okay?
It doesn't, so *******!
I don't care what you have to say!
I'm not ready to go down that easily.
I'll never be ready.
You wore me down and washed me out, until I was almost transparent but I stood up for myself,
I was on the ground, gasping and you kicked the air out of my lungs,
You wanted me dead from the inside out!
Now I'm yelling in my bedroom on Sunday morning,
All these words I've been dying to cut out of me,
I don't care if you miss me,
You're a ******* liar!
You deserve nothing,
You are nothing to me!

I don't look at you the way I used to,
Just see the sleeplessness in your face,
I don't follow you the way I used to,
You were never worth the chase.

You wore out the strings keeping us together with a million little lies,
After years of nearly severing them,
Now I've cut all the ties.

I can't keep reading the apologies, like a suicide note, every time.
Leave you hanging by a thread,
But in the end, I always die.

I don't know how I ever let someone  like you find their way under my skin,
Finally got you out,
Now I'll never let anyone in.

How could she reveal it all, yet still be so mysterious?
I nearly choked on my drink when that beautiful mouth let such foul words grace her lips so soft and sweet.
Her stare gave me cancer,
As if it was finding its way deep inside me,
Hunting and sifting through my thoughts,
And she shot horrible looks of disapproval when I mentioned my favorite music and films.
Guess we have different tastes.

But god,
that laugh was so ******* divine I wanted to capture it in my pocket and save it for later.
She flashed her smile so briefly and sparingly,
Like the flashbulb of a camera, teasing
"Baby, don't you love me?"

I don't even know why I'm so entranced by a twenty year old smug *****.
She didn't even kiss me when we parted ways.

Guess karma's getting back at me for being so unkind,
All the times I've broke a heart,
And all the times ive lied.
I had too much fun for too long and now I'm doing time.
All the glass is out of my head, only one broken bone,
But I still feel broken inside.

I keep looking at the sky and thank god I'm alive,
I feel like throb of my heart and try to push it aside,
I remember waking up and not sure of the time,
Or what happened to me on the passenger side.

It's like I'm cursed so much lately,
Like death is in my mind,
Saying why'd you cheat me like that?
You won't defeat me next time.

Even though my heart feels full,
I still feel so empty inside,
The guilt slithers like a serpent in my gut
For almost severing the family ties.

I know it's my fault,
I know I should be fine,
But I guess this is what prison feels like,
Now I'm doing time.

I just want to be untouched by this
Laying on the living room floor like the rug with a black book and some pens,
Old records and their crackling can fill the room but it won't make it better.
I think I'm better left to think for myself and I'm better left to be misunderstood too, maybe.
I don't need you to work out my complexities.

And you said that I could undo you,
Well I already did,
Took off your clothes and pulled you into bed,
I miss you all the time even though you can't tell,
I miss you so much even though you can't tell.

I write about it all the time,
Your mouth, your mattress, your bad habits and everything you tell me .
How come I hid from you when you passed the drugstore window?
I don't know,
I don't know why I do a lot of things.
I just want to be untouched by this.

Every beginning starts in its own lovely way,
Sometimes easily, a quick slip that leads the way without any effort,
And then there's the ones that take all the patience and faith you have in your being.

But both lead to the same place.
And that's where I always get stuck.

In between here and there,
Between the start and finish,
Left without real directions
Except for the thought

Where do we go from here?

And that's as far as I get every time,
While I sit and watch the beginning fade like it never even happened.

I don't really want to write a poem about you.
I don't want to try to fit you into a group of words, like you were just a quick beautiful nothing that fluttered in my sight.
I don't want to think about how you only exist in my memories now, and that I feel terrible to say and feel that these past three years have passed me by so quickly.
I hate to say my most vivid memory of you is the way your lifeless body lay in your casket,
Your braces still on your teeth.
And how I had to leave my biology class because I couldn't stop crying,
I didn't understand.

You'll always be seventeen,
But I keep growing older.
I keep looking at the same pictures of you,
Nothing new.
I think that makes it feel even more real: when that's the only place you're tangible,
If only in the tiniest bit.

It's sinking into me again
Or maybe I'm sinking into it.
The darkness that washes over me,
And stains my skin and spirit.
I keep soaking in the bath in the hope it'll leave,
But alas...

Wish I wasn't so in my head,
Ripped from the outside where I have been content for so long,
Now I'm always looking out the windows,
Longing for a trouble.
I need attention,
There's no stimulation to keep me functional anymore.
God,
Someone ******* hit me or something.


I got pulled over today
Going 50 miles over,
And he told me I could've killed myself,
But at least I wouldn't be so bored anymore.

I know you've forgotten about me,
Most people do.
Quick runs into love and they never were true.
I'm a devil in diamonds,
And an angel in dirt,
I was born with missing pieces,
I've been eager to hurt.

But the look in your eyes
Like a thousand knives,
Ripping through all the walls I've built around me.
And the tip of your tongue,
Sings the melodies I've sung,
For what feels like a thousand years.
The things that you said,
Play inside my head,
Like a million counts of reverb.

And it's hard to know that you're just for the day.
What do I do tomorrow when I'm not okay?

It's hard to explain,
Makes me feel I'm insane,
And the look you made when I wished I was dead.
I'm too honest for my own good,
Say more than I should,
And it pushes away every time.

But the look in your eyes
Like a thousand knives,
Ripping through all the walls I've built around me.
And the tip of your tongue,
Sings the melodies I've sung,
For what feels like a thousand years.
The things that you said,
Play inside my head,
Like a million counts of reverb

And it's hard to know that you're just for the day.
What do I do tomorrow when I'm not okay?



And I know you've already forgotten about me

My sadness is what keeps me sane,
Welcome back, my loving pain.
I lost myself without you again,
I was just mixed media in a golden frame.
Winter is soon,
I'm so glad you came through,
I am not me when I am apart from you.
My dear, it's been so long, I smiled for weeks,
In summer I reached my all time peaks,
I forgot about you, and I don't know how,
You're the only reason I stick around,
You're the only one I need to keep,
Prey on me until I fall asleep.

I was lost out on the atlas
Of love and lust and drinks.
With diamonds on my neck,
A smile on my mouth
And my heart begins to sink.
I don't even know what I'm running from,
I don't know what I'm fighting for.
But I got this feeling in my chest,
Like I never get it, I'll never get more.
It's all rushing to me, when my head begins to swirl,
No matter how many bows or how many curls
I'll never be a little girl.
I wanted someone to protect me from what would come,
But nobody came, and I was so young.
And I've soaked in my sins and my sorrow and grace,
Marked it with tattoos and kisses And unloving space,
Lost out on the atlas,
alone on the sea,
And I can trust no one
But me, just me.
But I keep my laugh and such a gracious hand,
I think things nobody would ever understand,
I'm still happy though, in a cage with my pen full of ink,
Lost out on the atlas
of love, lust and drinks.