Bought a gun so i know where my sanity lies

You can pass all the laws you like
But I still have it

I am mentally ill and i laugh at you.  Try to take it.  Loaded and ready but now I sleep. tomorrow the toast might be stale but not the coffee.
**** this country and *******.

All roots were torn,  we're a nation of insects. Made in China. Fill our hearts with plastic

I love myself
I am god
I made the stars and carved into the rock
the flood killed the few
Was it so simple then

This bed is so comfy. I think it has some **** stains and a mouse lives in it but it's so comfy in its broken way. There's a constant stream from the sewer washing around my head in the night. I had oatmeal earlier and listened to braveheart soundtracks.
Do what you want. Dream before you stop dreaming. I fall asleep and it's nothing, just like when I used to be eternal. I want to go home. I want to be me

It doesn't hurt

I.  I.  I. I I.
   I. I. I
    
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  e46
i. w was there
  i.  i.   i.  felt
a f0-aint
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        wa0-in.   9 9 wha0-t was

   0+ 0 = -0
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-0

I just want a simple life  I don't need grandeur
If my dreams happen or don't, so be it.  No difference when you can't even enjoy the moment.
I just want peace of mind,  a sound mind. I don't need dreams.  I need reality.  I need a firm grasp of my surroundings. I need a bigger hole to jump in. I need a bigger flame to burn my delusions.  I can lay amongst the ash, I have friends somewhere

It was easy today, looking in the mirror, combing my hair. I didn't shudder from the ugliness I merely turned my head to the mermaid on the wall playing a harp.

When I put my shoes on I went for a ride on my bike and this gothic girl was lighting a candle by the Christian altar ; I saw her stained sword by the rock wall and then she left before I could confront her.
In simpler times I probably would have put something in her , but I don't do that with the surveillance next door.
So I just sat there for a while then tossed a half drank Heineken at Jesus' face; he shattered into dust and I almost felt bad but they used cheap alabaster **** which made me pity the Creator.

I walked along the dried lake and took an automated picture.
I got sun and my head felt better. Still I work tomorrow, still I hate

Hate that I know too much. Hate that I feel every transgression but that's the price of being alive

being bugged at all hours,
at all hours, the ******* phone.

I wish I could incinerate it;
I will, one day.

or I will just end everything and the phone could be collateral damage

***** it all out, chunks of it, putrid tonsillitis muck which glimmers in the summer air

I want free of this madness. Songs are driving me crazy in the sense that they repeat and say so little but mean so much because I want to be a star
Or maybe I want love, maybe I want attention maybe I want what everyone else wants which is something to ease the pain of it all
I want bliss
And I want to forget that I am nothing

god is up there somewhere
The crackers below the sheets
The hard nail embedded
Dying every second
Every 2 seconds leaking into a puddle

I can only stand so much
I can only be whipped with so many ropes,
Tethered in my frame, immersed in cope

I only know what I don't know
I only feel what I feel. And it feels like hurt,
And burning, and agony, and despair and
understanding

Took a walk;
Saw a cool trail
Saw the litter

Saw the bramble
I walked in the road
Saw the lack of people
And the red truck
With tires now deflated
Saw the sun
Saw the breeze
Saw the pebbles along borders and a misty eyed grasshopper
Swallowing a leaf

I feel like no one ever hears me

    I speak
and their eyes glaze over;
maybe I'm polite
but nobody cares about my side of things.

They walk around me
and pretend I'm not there.

will tussle with their **** as I'm sitting there as my shadow pours over them.
I'm not there.

I can sing to a crowded room
and no one's eyes
watch me;
I am truly invisible.   I'm not even sure
I exist, but here we
are

I miss my ******* stray cat
Just wanted food, and was honest.
I loved that.

Now he's dead since the winter.

******* tired
, Another human that dies every 2 seconds.

You read about it everyday, watch videos of it,
Decapitations, rapes, flaying, burned alive

Another human
Talking to the wind

Why do we go through this?       I hope you make it 2

We are the universe,

One day we'll win

1 seconds left to write I crumple the paper
And sigh .  Be klnd to
Your self

Absolutely awful
Neon and indigo
I bought
A crouton for my niece she sits in the cellar,
And my bucket is full.

About time now, and clacking, clacking
Eyedrops with red dye, pick up your mouse you swine.
Merely dreaming all the time,

Tuesdays at the park and never crying

Again

Head is racing,  and my body is static. The room is dead and dull. I hear bass thumping from a special.
Hot lamp trickling with tar.
No one to talk with; I forget what that's like.  People just talk?

I wish I was erased, and I wish no ill will to anyone.
A dumb bewildered ape staring at a monolith. No text,  but infinite wisdom.  It only said nothing and that was too much

Yo, it's 3 o clock, what you doin
Straightening out this bent piece of aluminum for the insects at dawn.
Your face is reminiscent of hepburn.
One fifth left.
5 days left, here, then back at it. It's nice to be here again, seeing the trees and the streets.
I will walk the school tomorrow and see if I've really changed. I'll see if my anarchy carving is still on the bench.
I'll see the mud mound I played football on. I'll see where I got my pb&j in the morning. I'll see where I thought I would never change and where I'd never grow old.
Beautifully naiive and sweet. But I could no longer be sweet. I had to be smart

the carcasses are suspended along trailers in the dusk as

lepers coerce their dreamer

Half lit ciggarettees stain teeth
and the black lung sits silent
Like
excavation in july

No more bruises but they still run
away

i remember someone
long ago

asked me why

i liked to walk on the sidewalk
while wearing
an armani
suit in the 93 degree heat.

i told him
,

that sometimes
your style
is a just your manner
of thinking of things

and that oftentimes
your confusion
is just measurement
or volume
of what really is upsetting your past self in a dimension of

satisfactory
fortitude.

then he nodded
and the next
day i saw him in the same armani suit in the
93 degree
heat
telling
all the other people the same thing
and they started wearing their own armani
suits
but it stopped being
93 degrees outside
and more like a cool
23
centigrade

no one becomes an addict overnight;
that's at least the testimony
I hear from ****** addicts and users of other illicit drugs.

I am a mere consumer of alcohol,
benign usually in a small doses but the most destructive
overall in terms of certain statistics.

but here I am drinking every night, and if a day goes by without consumption I get a sort of anxiety knowing
that I'll have to endure the day sober, and what a boring prospect that it is.

It's not that the chemical itself is addictive, which it obviously is, but the main point is escapism.
This life is garbage;
I'm isolated living in a rural ******* ontop a ******* mountain with barely any means to commute considering I'll be snowed in for the next 4 months.

I genuinely feel cursed.
I don't want to fail but all the forces conspire against me. I am bitter and tired
and I feel old.
I've never felt old, but the years now I've begun to count

I was supposed to die at 27, maybe 28 will be my new
lucky number

2 seconds to write. Power off watch the shadow turn into mist

3:45 with ****** eyes
I bite on the stale chip whilst the sound of decadent rats punch holes in my pickled brain

If it was up to me
I wouldn't be talking to you; friends are nothing but thieves

Now it's 3:46

had an abcess on my gums,
that **** ****** ,  and it ruptured and I swallowed pus while sleeping  unbeknownced to me that it ruptured,
and I went to the dentist and had my wisdom ripped out ,

why can't we keep the tooth?
  
        I had no pain pills. I merely walked in the light

when I'm dead,
  it'll be like nothing ever happened. I could have saved time not being born

Sat down, fed the dogs , fingered some ***, ****** a mtf's hole, and squirted in her mouth, I was daddy she was 18 so it was consensual with strawberries
Bought slippers, and went to bed.
Made dinner, then posted on here. Girlfriend came home. I went to bed.
Got some chips and tilted the fan. How are you my darling. It's now late

I never knew how to swim. I picked up the phone and went to the beach.
There was a jellyfish splattered on the tarred sand; it stung my toes.
I went in the blue, and the waves crashed over my back.
The white sparkled around me.
There was a sun, and there was a towel and castles in the distance.
I motioned for some mustard, for the hotdog of course.
Someone played guitar, and we all posed for a picture, and I said goodbye to the seagul.
I washed the sand from my pants and played Gameboy in the car.
A short drive home, yet I still fell sound asleep

This girl interrupted my sleep
I never talk on the phone but she insisted;
crippling OCD and trigger fixations.
Her word is 'shoot"
If you say 'shoot"
She'll immediately recede into herself and become mute for the entirety of the day.
We moved on from that;
She told me she liked my voice, I told her she's got a cute laugh.
She didn't seem so crazy after the 3rd hour

why do i look up this one girl
from like 5 years ago?

sometimes i'll just be sitting,
on this thing
and go,

'hmm

wonder what she looks like?
probably fat and with kids now''


so i look her up
and it's tumblr art,

and some memes,

and i cry for anyone who ever looked me up - thinking 5 years makes a difference.

He got what he wanted. He thought about it for weeks and years.
It happened.
It was pleasant.
But the drive home was like a candle on a windowsil
and as it faded, only I could remember,
Only I could recall, and I sat in my chair watching a wall.
I no longer know what is fantasy, and no longer know what is dim reality. Everything has broken down into
deceit and wishful dreaming

back and forth
back and forth            back and forth   back and forth  back and forth
back and forth
back and forth        back and forth   back and forth
back and forth  


                     pinch  your ear  
  and  pause   in a sun-hat                  corners


like a  sponge

Sick in so many ways
  Everything hurts in one way or another
And it used to be humanity's only concern was eating and breeding,  now it's wondering whether you're even alive

I spit at the creator,
   I call out my own name.  More complaints, but that's all we can do whilst we struggle to die

And yet here I am making a poem in His honor

The shine wore off so who sees me now.
The rag lines the gutter and the dog ***** on a mushroom, I kick some dirt.

Wow its cold and frosty now so I can run around the block

Wow I see Oldman nibba suckling on a pear
"Sup nibba"
His neck bounces with ease.


I put a sandal on a padlock and crush the skull of a transient, had no name,  no residence bleeding. I feel the wine now. Shapeless. Who's fault was it.

Now you see,  now you see,  there are only 2 eyes and not enough time to dream. So throw it away or don't.  I don't care. I'm still locked away in this den nestled among scraps of ****

My face doesnt fit my head
My shoulders don't fit my legs.
My clothes don't fit my back
My chest doesn't fit this this shirt

I d be fine being ugly if it didn't matter

And i wish I could wear your smile

Throbbing along. Grieving one.  Where did you go.  Where did the water drain down.  A ******* was not too far.  I walked there and fell. Broke my nose on the glass

PEARL

moldovite. it didn't work ⁸

Is this a haiku
Immersed in twilight suns
It hurts to be free

dont send the letters

don't send the smiley faces
don't send the thumbs up

don't send the 'yes'
or the 'no'

jump off the bridge and dive in the lake and blow up in the sun.

junior
has glasses
and he spells
sugar

S U G A R

sugar,
like god. like satan, like the immortal ghost.
who hasn't
dreamed of fire?

satan please forgive me.

''I love nothing"

but you are nothing. questions and more answers. only answers for your questions. there are no more
secrets.
there are no more
consonants.

there are only constants.
battered with a sledgehammer in the night sun, blue freckled
crescent dreamer.

I pray to you,
so no one else feels the same.  it *****. please don't let anyone feel this

miserable.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.  
.                    ­          .              .

I know what it's like to be dead
here and
Now.

Like the fatal dose, so sensual
The Siren of my black ocean

the circus sands
  sit within tumultuous hands

I feel everything and nothing
as my mind dances along a vacant passage

I was once wise
  but now I've regressed into the latitude of adolescent sorrow

if I had the answer
I'd give it to you,
but instead I'm left to search
, falling into the sun
with ever increasing velocity. we are no longer immortal

I want to run
So far
Into nothing
And bury my eyes
In a dense
   Abyss

The laughing permits
And so does the humming
Step inside yourself
And visualize the dream
Dancers in the dark
Cancer in a sombre heart

A stillborn child when you were
Hopeful
Reminders of a decadent past
Youth and fortune
Love and lust
Starlight
And dust

What remains is
Enough

What's done is
Done
& done

when I was older


I crammed it in gently . I sat back and yawned . I fled thru the forest in a blaze . I bellowed out in agony. I flipped over the bench. I spat the puke. I itched the back. I sprayed the cologne. I beat the poet. I beat the fool. I said ''ONLY THE GIANT IS ALLOWED''. I danced incoherently in the pool sun. I baked your cake. I ''died young''. I FINGERED THE JAM. I sped out of control
I didn't care.


I wanted purpose to be an accident

"I'LL THROW THAT ******* PHONE AGAINST THE WALL IF I HEAR MUSIC AGAIN"
"I'll throw you against the wall you fat ****"
And now im out of a job.
He wanted silence while i scrubbed the grime.
I wanted noise, i wanted blood really, and now on my bed its not so bad. I have noise and the months flew by like a time warp.
I worked for nothing, i saved for nothing, my life was sold.
Don't be sold. Dont forget youre gonna die

She says I "can't change"

The stuff she wants me to fix is superficial like buying flowers and spending more money on dates.

If that's her measure of love whilst disregarding all the ways I helped her and loved her unconditionally what the **** am I hanging on for?

It's just a shallow justification for her *******, considering she already 'moved on' with another guy a week after our break up

when it's over it's over
and it dies
  months before you even knew it.
women are nature's best actors

the best ones happen in the afternoon whilst you sit and slather eggs on your
pajamas

the best
ones happen whilst the canary alarm goes cuckoo and the mother *****
in her drawers
and picks on your scalp scab

the best ones
happen whilst
everyone has already moved on and you're contemplating just setting
a
fire

there's nothing worse than a forced poem.


monkey
****.

****
.

yams
.

ok
ok
ok

you see?


now i'm trying

It doesn't matter how many poems you write,
and how amazing they are,
ultimately it's all about context--

who you were, and what you represented in that generation.

were you ugly,
were you fat,
were you poor,
were you rich?

did you eat bacon?

did you brush your teeth?

did you smile at children?

did you watch cartoons?


did you flick your testicles 6 times a day like the dr
reccomened?

were there vitamins?

did your lines read like an old Windows XP?

did your lines cause people to spontaneously combust?

do old people enjoy your work?

do mothers hate you?

do people look away in horror?

do you like any of this?

or was
it all just a waste of time

and something to
do because the sun burns your skin

and the beaches close after 5am

i peel off a piece of paper that's stuck to the padding and which is green and lightly
folded at the end
and has scribbles from a child that happened to draw
a *******

and a ''I LOVE BURT'' heartagram.

and a chipmunk sneezes, but the libraian keeps typing on her phone,

and the guy in the corner with black strands of hair which peek out like a sad
mouse scratches his chin

and the follicles litter the desk.

underneath the floorboards
lurks the janitor who keeps his surveillance on 24/7 -
especially in the boysroom and does
seedy things
but he's been there 26 years and isn't really questioned.

and in the gymnasiam
a pizza party fundraiser with the amputees from hungaria dance and laugh and sip wine and ****** eachother's belly buttons.

one lady says
''yeah''
and another says

''yes''

and edward
says

''yes'' too

and the cars come by and pick them up for their dinner later on--
with the mashed potatoes and stuff and corn.

i kept going 12 years

and only ever cried twice.

a wetwilly is an adolescent's way of telling you they hate the sun

and that god
will strike you down when you disgrace your mother in the alley as the abortion is performed
on a gurgling fetus that looks remarkably like your dead soul in

an afternoon afterglow

2 candles here and a child's liver
A glass of glue and dry *****. Grindr bears saying hi now and you better tell them no I'm watching TV with my cancelled subscription and that's not good enougj. And do people even still read poetry besides edgy girls?
Will I still be unhappy after I've vomited 12567 times?  
A d will I still clutch the hand that insists on gagging me a d suffocating me whilst I count clouds?
I will still be dead and rotting in a dirt mound and so will you, but you pretend you won't. Instead we insist on occupying ourselves with mindless consumerism and shallow entertainment until we can't think anymore. I'm part of the problem, im distracting from what should be the goal, to shake you violently into convulsion until the spirit fills you and spits you into the abyss where there
are no more habits or fears. Just a state of being. Like clay half molded,
Neither happy nor Content, just clay. just.        clay

if you really want to **** with people and make a bold
artistic statement

be an artist that  doesn't take ****.  

i went thru the limp-wristed flowery hipster phase  -- with  yellow button ups from goodwill
and  green shoes.

I was prey


now  I say prayers

Everything will be taken away,
Everything you loved a hollow shell, everything that made you feel whole a blank smear, everything that loved you , a black smudge,
Your heart in a drawer
Locked away,
Your brain behind glass,
Your soul in a cloud, your
Face in a pool,
Your mouth on a jury,
Your friend in a cell,
Your child on an auction, your faith in a bag of money,
Your dreams in a funeral.

You will still be here, breathing, but not necessarily alive