Sometimes I look at myself in any reflection and see myself smaller and sometimes I see myself super huge and my vision is distorted because of my brain playing tricks. I think that's why I struggle so much. How can my own brain deceive me so much to the point where I have a disorder?
I once thought about overdosing...
But this time my brain twisted it and was like "what if this time, you took one pill for every bad thing that has happened in your life or every bad thought that crossed your mind?"
It hit me hard...like really hard
So I thought about making a list to visualize it.
Here goes nothing I suppose...
> He touched me for the first time when I was 5
>He made me believe it was a game
>He hit me
>He threatened me
>Mom and dad argued
>And some more
>Started starving myself
>Ate one thing a day
>Drank Coke Zero
>Drank Green Tea
>Ate nothing for a day
>Didn't eat for three days
>Didn't eat for a week
>Fainted for the first time
>Saw my mom inject drugs into her body
>Saw my dad get arrested in our front yard
>Got a puppy, who my dad got rid of
>Got yelled at 24/7
>Got touched by the most popular kid in 7th grade
>Couldn't say bye to my friends
>Went to court to hear my mom lose her rights
>My dad died the day before
>I went to a mental hospital
>I learned how to self harm there
>I kept self harming
>It became more dangerous
>I tried to end my life
>I tried again
>I tried again and was saved by a stranger
>I tried again and got yelled at in the hospital
>Told my mom to leave
>I was alone
>I got adopted by fake people
>My grandad died
>My grandpa died
>I tried to end my life again in secret
>My adoptive watched me self harm
>I tried again
>Got diagnosed with major depressive disorder
>Got diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder
>Got diagnosed with bipolar disorder
>Got diagnosed with OCD
>Starting exercising religiously
>Passed out from exhaustion 4 times
>Went to the hospital from the gym
>Vomited on purpose
>Almost got tubed 3 times
>Went to the same hospital 4 times
>The staff knew me by name
>Tried one last time to end my life
I would have to take AT LEAST 65 of whatever pills I had to overdose on!!!
That's a lot.
It's not worth it!
You are loved!
I am loved!
None of those things matter when it comes to you living your life and being happy!
You are priceless!
You are worthy!
You are enough!
You are beautiful!
You are handsome!
You are so amazing!
YOU DESERVE TO BE HERE!
YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!
YOU DESERVE TO EAT!
YOU DESERVE TO HAVE FRIENDS!
YOU DESERVE TO CRY WHEN YOU WANT!
YOU DESERVE THE WHOLE WORLD!
Stand tall and please find your worth from within...I know that it's hard to believe someone who just writes to you about it.
I know it's hard when you feel so alone...
But I also know that you are strong!
You are resilient!
You are kind!
You are talented!
And you are brave!
YOU GOT THIS!
THE WORLD BETTER WATCH OUT BECAUSE THE REAL YOU IS ABOUT TO SHINE AND BLIND THE NEGATIVE PEOPLE!!!
I really needed to write this to let others know that they aren't alone, but also because I needed to read it. Even though it came from my heart. I love you all!
today i wanted to be perfect yesterday i wanted to be perfect i always want to be perfect but if i was perfect what would god be.
My crooked teeth are imperfect.
My weight is imperfect.
My skin is imperfect.
My thought process is imperfect.
My actions can be imperfect.
I am imperfect.
My teeth help me smile, which people love!
My weight just means I'm better to hug and cuddle!
My skin makes me different, which is always okay!
My thought process is just more advanced and sincere!
My actions are a result of chemical imbalances!
I am okay with being imperfect because imperfections make me who I am!
Logical Mind = LM
OCD Mind = OCDM
LM: Today is going to be a regular day.
OCDM: What do you mean today is going to be a "regular" day? You have so much to do and you can't have any disruptions!
LM: I need to wake up, go to class, sweep, do laundry, do dishes, and do homework. All regular things.
OCDM: You need to wake up 2 hours early, just to make sure you are fully awake. You need to go to class and you NEED to be the first one there. You HAVE to sweep 2 times in the correct order. You HAVE to do laundry, but make sure the dials are exactly in the same spot each time. You HAVE to do the dishes, but don't forget to scrub each dish 3 times, you don't want those germs to hurt other people and you know it won't feel right if you only scrub once then rinse. You HAVE to do your homework, but don't forget to rewrite your notes 2 times to makes sure you didn't miss anything and that you wrote perfectly. DON'T MESS THIS UP TODAY!
LM: Oh! I can't forget my personal hygiene. Take a shower, brush my teeth, wash my face, and wash my hands.
OCDM: You cannot forget hygiene! You HAVE to take a long shower to make sure you are clean. Scrub everywhere 10 times, but don't unbalance it. You HAVE to brush your teeth 2 times and make sure to go in the same direction and order everytime or you HAVE to restart. You HAVE to wash your face 2 times so you know your face is super clean, if you mess up, you HAVE to restart. DO NOT FORGET TO WASH YOUR HANDS! Wash them 3 times in the same motion or you HAVE to restart.
LM: Regular day. Regular day. Regular day.
OCDM: You CANNOT have a "regular" day until you know 100% that you did everything correctly!
This small voice always comes back. . .
Stronger. . .
And stronger. . .
And stronger. . .
I hear it call to me. . .
I hear it enchant me. . .
Over. . .
And over. . .
And over. . .
Dear Future You,
You're a badass, but please remember how you've changed and how you got to where you are now.
Winter reminds me of the many scars permanently embedded onto my skin. (Because I hated literally everything about existing, but couldn't not live.)
Spring reminds me of all those I've lost. (Because the universe thought to ironically place all the deaths in the same set of months.)
Summer reminds me of my many vacations to the ****** bin. (Because I couldn't go during the school year, that would be inconvenient .)
Autumn reminds me of the best time of my life. (Because I love school and I know that no one can take that away from me.)