I've got half a mind
The other half's, too, hard to find
So here I am, in quite the bind
Looking desperately, most of the time.

I should swallow my pride and ask to come home
But I'm terrified to choke on my self doubt.

I feel like over this past week you've fallen out of love with me. I mean, you've never been good at texting but at the same time where I am is six hours behind you. You're having fun, unlike me youre with people you like. Earlier you said you'd "text me when you could". I wish you'd make time to at least tell me how much fun you're having without me. Nothing, even when we're in the same time zone you don't really try. When you're home alone bored in sure I seem like I'm worth talking to. But never when your out. I can count on one hand how many times you've drunk called me. I wonder if you even ask if I can come along. Probably not. I'm having a really hard day. I wish you seemed like you cared more. I wish I was home. I wish I wasn't here anymore. I really doubt if I go to jail that you'd really wait. You've never been patient. I know because you burn yourself on pizza rolls and you cross roads when cars are coming. And I feel like I stop exsisting as soon as your busy. No matter how busy I keep myself I still remember I miss you. I wish you were the same.

It hasn't even been an hour
since I said goodbye to you.
I want to skate to your house
And do this all again in person.
I wonder if you'd let me
I wonder if it'd be different.
I wonder if you're thinking about me
I wonder.

I'm learning, ever so slowly, what people mean when they say I'm "rough around the edges"

I'm becoming softer
The heavy, angry punk music that used to play from my iPod

Has become softer, slower
More hopeful

Is this what it means to find peace?

I'm not your boyfriend
realistically speaking,
I never will be.
You think you know how much you're hurting me but you really don't.
Nights spent without you
I'm curled up in a very neat,
as small as I can manage, ball.
I sob quietly sometimes
others I just lay
absent and vacant of any emotion
I can press my fingertip to and point out.
When I'm with you,
I question everything,
every smile,
every flirtatious bat of your eye,
every letter in the words "I love you" I'm not the person you want.
I'm just your best friend who's a good lay.
How can I believe in a love
that you never give me reason to trust?
How can you be "in love" with me
but still so blindly
and
unapologetically hurt me.
I'm a good friend,
just not good enough to be a boyfriend.
But hey, you're getting what you want. And as much as it hurts,
as much as I know I'm not permanent, as much as my self worth depletes
I will continue to fall prey
to my overwhelming amount of love strictly directed at you.
When the pants end
and were laying in bed silently listening to music
I'm thinking of what I can do to make you love me the way I love you
I'll wonder what you believe what we are.
What you expect of me.
Nothing matters anymore.
I just want you to be happy.

I have the ability to make anyone who leaves my life feel happy.
I am draining.
I am something designed to be fleeting.
So join me for a few months then walk away with a smile.
I am king Midas.
A king that wished for gold
Only to die alone.

To me,
The day dragged on and on
To me,
We were meant to last
I'm okay with being in love with you.
I'm okay with being unable to escape.
I'm not okay.
I don't give a **** anymore
I really don't.
I don't see what's wrong living day by day.
In end I'm still alive
Enough for people not to feel guilty for
Not helping.
As long as my friends and family are happy
I'll stay miserable.
I just won't bring company.

Let's see what tomorrow brings,
Let's see where we will be,
Let's see why we try so hard
Let's see when we'll leave this town
Let's see who we can become together.

I guess I'm no longer drunk
that's why I woke up.
Maybe it's because of the hunger pains
I ache
I ******* hurt so much
I'm just so tired of being second best
Not even just with you
But especially with you
I really hope I get employee of the month
I doubt I will though
You probably had *** with him
And you probably ******* loved it
I hope you did
Not really
But at this point I want you to have any reason to come back
It's five-fifty one
And I can't go back to bed because
Stop motion *** scenes of you and him
Are playing through my head
I cut you off.
I can't see you anymore
I mean are you surprised?
I told you I would
Whenever you've needed me I was there
That can no longer be true
If you come to me again
Expect venom in my words
Expect me to be An *******
I've heard ducks mate for life
You like ducks but you aren't one
You're a fox
You're sly
And sneaky
A ******* liar
So lie to him as you lay with him
And I'll lie to myself as I lay alone
Picking up the pieces.
But the thing about shattered glass is the pieces will never fit together the same.
But maybe when I'm done someone will pull me out of love with you and be what was too much for you.
You Take care, mi amour
I'll take another shot.
I'll take black lungs.
You're now connected to the **** who's **** you wanted and the *** he sells.

I'm lost in my head.
My brain is an infinitely expanding sea
And
My spirit;
A squid.
Much like the depths
at which
giant squid swim
The preasure is extraordinary
The darkness, laughably stereotypical
I've been swimming for ages
But has it been
The same circle
All this time?

I wish I could hate you
I honestly do
Then maybe I'd eat something
Or perhaps I'd feel something
I love you though
I wish I could stop
I wish I didn't stress myself out
Trying to be everything you want
I wish that I wasn't depressed
Maybe I would've been
I wish I could **** myself.
I wish I didn't have to remember your embrace.
I wish I could still have it.
It was never mine.
It's not like I was important enough to be given that.
I'm gonna start drinking again
I don't care
Let me waste away.
I don't want to hate you but I wish I could to help me mend

Oh, a very lucky man, am I.
To be the one with which her heart resides.
A broken boy,
With fears to match the size of my feet, which are large.
I am a silver.
I thought no rhyme could be placed on me.
But she is my slant.
Oh, a very lucky man, am I.

My heads a ****** up place
I spend time swimming against the current that is the whirlpool pulling me deeper into my depression
I try so hard to keep my head up but these days I feel like I'm holding the weight of the entire planet by a string with my teeth. The girl I'm in love with only loves me when it's convenient. I kept telling myself it wasn't like that until she humiliated me today. My job doesn't make me happy anymore and I can feel the last of the "post high school magic of life" slipping through my fingers as if to say, "remember you have to prepare for real life." Suicide seems more and more like an option. It seemed so far away yesterday when I was telling every person who would listen how in love I am. How in love I am. I hate breaking. I hate being reminded I'm only good enough behind closed doors. I hate everything. I paint with vibrant watercolors but I always paint in the rain. My life is bleak and bland. My only solace is this bottle and video games. **** everything. I'm bitter and sick of crying. But I know that I love you so much that I'll forgive you. I just wish you weren't so oblivious to the fact that your words, much like sticks and stones, break bones and hearts

In the late hours
Post work
Post civilzation.
When I'm drunk in our room
listening to music
Looking at you.
I realize how lucky I am.

You listen to you my bad jokes
You let me annoy you.
You listen to my music
You're there when I'm *****
and you remind me what it's like
To feel as wanted (sexually)
as I want you

I feel I never tell you enough.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

I remember the jaw dropping moment of you walking into creative writing for the first time.

I remember passing notes daily

I remember the first time we went downtown with our drunkard friend.

I remember sitting in the cold in front of the pond and listening to you ramble.

I remember how happy I was.

I remember how hard I tried to impress you.

I remember it all like it was yesterday.

I remember you going missing from class.

I still remember the stomach churning worry that came with it.

I remember you coming back just to leave again

I remember the years we didn't talk. They were lonely.

I remember seeing you go the first time in forever.

I remember sitting in that swing and holding back tears as I confided in you about how sad I was.

I remember the absence of you again.

I remember sitting at the bus stop talking to you before I had to work.

I remember the night you had a small get together and invited me.

I remember how hard I smiled for the first time in years.

I remember coming over and spending the night with you.

I remember the ****** tension.

I remember laying in bed and inching closer.

I remember how cold your lips were when I kissed you for the first time.

I remember rolling around in bed naked and taking candid pictures of one another.

I remember being officially unofficial.

I remember walking to and fro my house to yours.

I remember you playing guitar.

I remember vaping until we were dizzy.

I remember you getting the text from your ex

I remember losing you to your ex

I remember the devastation.

I remember still seeing you daily.

I remember how awkward it was.

I remember you telling me you wanted to be with me.

I remember then running to meet you half way.

I remember hugging you as if to pull you into my body.

I remember him losing his spot by your side.

I remember fighting.

I remember hating it.

I remember still seeing you and talking things out.

I remember kissing late into the night.

God I remember so much.

I remember going downtown with Dessi.

I remember realizing how deeply I love you.

I remember the pain of missing a night by your side, it's like a bruise on the bottom of my foot.

I remember all the days I spent keeping you company  at work.

I remember getting pulled over with you in the car.

I remember the look of dread.

I remember with no regrets.

I remember your smell from 4500 miles away.

I will remember and cherish every second we spend at one another's side.

And with all these memories behind us in such short time

I know that when I turn my head back to watch my steps I'll see all we have to look foreword to.

Today, I looked at myself in the mirror.
I know that it's something I do everyday, However, today I made the mistake of locking eyes with myself. I tell everyone I know I'm okay, it's how it's been as long as I can remember. I have my father's gaze, piercing. I could see so far into myself I felt I might melt under the heat of it and in the split second of contact I saw the bags under my eyes, the pain I tried to hide and I saw that nothing's really changed.

Tonight, for the first time in a long while, I am angry.
This, of course, is to be reread in a very matter of factly and sing-song voice.
I'm not sure where it's coming from;
Perhaps, I am simply exhausted
Perhaps, I am simply exhausted.
This is what I tell myself.
I sit locked away in the bathroom listening to the leaking bathtub faucet.
Honestly, it's rather annoying.
Wasteful.
I'm moody.
Maybe because
I've been smoking so much ***
Or
Maybe I need a stiff,
No very stiff,
Drink.


Drink

Drink
Drink.
I don't know what could be wrong.
I highlight,
in my head of course,
All my flaws
Nothing there
seems to be causing this Anger

Maybe it's all the political turmoil

Though that probably isn't it.

I think

I think

I think I'll shower and have some tea.
Drink some ***
And smoke a bit
Cuddle the beautiful woman
I snapped at
After a very necessary apology
A kiss and some rest.

I'm tired.

So I'm not angry

I'm grumpy.

I'm sorry.

ah, I didn't realize,
I shouldn't assume
that I'm the only one
who gets to see
A smile I thought
was meant for me
Haha, it hurts you know.
But that's okay.
I'm still lucky
But so is everyone else.

Watching the moon wane
Shows me your break draws near
I hope you'll return

So much is changing.

I'm sorry, dad. I've failed yet again in making you proud. I've looked deep into the eyes of myself in the mirror and I've completely given up on life. I remember a time when I was younger when I didn't hide how I felt. I was a cry baby. Yet, here I am. Writing an apology for something I'll never be forgiven for.

To my siblings, I couldn't do it. I know youll all be able to succeed where I gave up. I love you all.

Mom, I will hate you into my grave.
-the experiment child.

My head is a shroud
I am oblong silhouettes
Ambiguity

Somehow I'm losing my grip.
Somewhere along the lines I lost sight
Since I couldn't be a marine
My drive has died
I'm lying to everyone.
I'm lying through my smile
It's just that these stress related canker sores
under my tongue make it hard to talk.
I want to be alone
With you.
I want to cry with my head in your lap
But that desire is as misplaced
As my frustration
I feel so vacant
I am so hollow
that if you where to
drop a penny down my throat
It'd take months before you heard the echo.
I don't know what passion feels like
I forget what motivation tastes like
I no longer hear my determination
All I have left are these depressing poems
A handful of self doubt
And a pocket with a broken spirit.
I remember when the sunrise meant something.
I remember when the moons light filled me with joy.
Maybe it's just this week.
Maybe it's just a bad day.
I hope that this headache stops
before I snap my phone in half.
I hope I can avert my gaze from the simple solution of cigarette smoke
And a circular burn somewhere on my upper arm.
The devil on my shoulder
Killed my conscious Months ago
His corpse still dangles from my neck like branches on a willow tree.
God, someone **** me and make it look like suicide.
I don't have the guts to spill my own myself anymore.

We all suffer the strain and struggle
When our guts bubble.

My name is now squid
So you should get used to it
Because I said so

Queen sized beds are dumb
My queen isn't here tonight
So it's just a bed

In search of your warmth
This bed stretches forever
So much for my rest.

A sleepy morning
Rushed out of bed; off to work
What about cuddles?

Walking quick I pay no mind
Although your path I'd quickly find

I'm caving in.
I knew this would happen.
I am a tornado
of the fall leaves  
Of love
Of hopelessness
I'm paper mâché
A piñata, holding nothing.
It's starting to rain.
How am I going to make it?
I can't pretend I'm not alone anymore.

Happiness was a dream
I was awake

If I'm being whole heartedly honest,
It's not that the future is bleak
It's not that I'm overwhelmingly sad
I just don't ******* care anymore.
All the people who are "there for" me
Are only there when I place the plaster mask on my face to hide my shame.