I forgot you don't have a boyfriend.
I forgot that you can't have one.
I set up this delusional world
Where it's just us and we are an us
I'm gonna try and stop slipping
"I love you" into conversations as much.
Because all it'll take to rip you away is someone else.
Someone else.
Someone else
Why does your love hurt so much?
Why can't I be enough?
When I'm with you I always forget that,
at the end of the day,
I'm probably just a vacation stop.
I'm fun to visit.
I wish I hadn't heard you say
"I don't have a boyfriend"
I wonder...
Oh, how I wonder
if I'm supposed to feel this way.
My heart hurts
And
Crying is probably inevitable
But smoke your week
But sip your drink.
I'll sip mine
And into sleep I'll sink

Please come back home.
I really ******* miss you, baby

Your writing is far too beautiful to ruin with liquor

My paranoia is my poison
"She doesn't love you."
It plays on repeat
I try to stop it,
I do.
My paranoia is my poison
Cluttering the tidy room that is my head
I know it's not true
I know that we're okay
My paranoia is my poison
It's unfair to her
It's unfair to me
That the lover that wasn't her scared me.
My paranoia is my poison
Like petals pulled from a rose
My head plays the back and forth
"She loves me not...
She loves me so"
that plagues the clichéd romantic comedies.
God, I hope I land on an even number
My parinoia is my poison.

It's entirely, too, quiet.

I'm a potted plant.
Nothing spectacular
No, not a cute tree.
Nor some tropical shrub
I'm a lackluster flower
Potentially, I could be beautiful.
Potentially.
Under the neglectful eyes of my keeper
My roots have reached the ceramic case that I've known my whole life.
I'm withering.

They say, "hardly knew, thee." A lot when someone dies.
I know you of all people know how much I like to perpetuate clichés.
It's true, though.
I hardly knew you.
Yeah, we'd climbed our hills
Sat for hours staring at the view,
And plummeted down again.
But as I was getting better you started to experience degradation.
I let you go for a day and you broke your nose.
And as I began to descend into madness again,
You took one final trip with me.
I'll miss you,
I'll remember you
And I'll cherish the freedom you gave me

Not a peep
Not a sound
I'm not worth a "hey"
Not worth a "hello"
Yeah, today was a test
You failed
I'd tell you otherwise,
However,
All I'd get if I tried
Is static.

A bus ride at a quarter till eleven
An angel rocks back and forth
looking for a comfortable place to sleep
Head on window
Head on my shoulder
Oh my dear
Sleep right here
I'll open my rib cage and let you sleep soundly in me.
With my heart as a pillow
With my lungs as a blanket.
Sleep soundly.

So much has happened today.
My sleep deprivation is catching up
The weather was nice,
Work was short but felt like forever
I saw you
Learned more about your mom
I walked home
I rapped the whole way back
Dessi needed advice
I provided it
I ate
I caught up with all my anime
here I sit
Here I sit.
all the while knowing **** well
I consistently missed you.

for someone who "can't lose" me
You don't really seem to give a ****
For someone who "loves" me
You sure are cold as ****
For someone who felt "at home with me
You sure are cozy in his bed.
For someone who "doesn't want to hurt" me
You sure have no ******* regard for me.
I hope everytime you see that teddy bear
Or
Remember those flowers
it ******* kills you

The sea pulls again
With my smile following.
Beautiful rip tides.

A single moment in this room, side by side
I find myself lost in your beautiful voice
Like the moon your voice could draw the sea's tides
I shall listen to you sing; this, is my choice

Sweatpants and a tee-shirt are all you need
For simply your energy creates a light
Never lose your luster; this I will plead
For its shine will follow you into night

Your skill in the arts could never be matched
Pen and pad, brush and easel, stringing letters
To your skills, my dear, I have become attached
Your voice, your hands; both as light as as feathers

You could lead me into the fires of hell
For you are the one that makes my heart swell

I'm in the wild
Though I haven't left my bed.
I'm in the wild
I'm trapped inside my head
I'm in the wild

From the douchy looking muscle men
With their ugly ankle biters
To the poser skaters trying to impress tourists
San Diego is one hell of a city to behold

I'm fighting tears
like
the knights of lore fought dragons
I'm a turret of emotions
The demons under my bed
are reaching up and holding me by my throat as I sleep
Forcing me to dream of the good days of old
Forcing me to face my fears for the future
I wander the streets late at night
A slight limp from the broken bone in my foot.
I'm self destructive
Why would I let myself heal
when I know I'm hurting everyone I love.
I can't breathe again.
The ball and chain on my ankle is cutting deep.
The white noise I found an escape in isn't enough anymore
The voices are coming back.
My border line personality disorder
is burning bridges
While I desperately drag my past as I try and ***** the flames.
I'm reaching for buckets of water
But dumping gasoline
Burn, baby, burn

I'm not having fun,
My word is hushed just as fast as it was back home.
I am quiet
I listen endlessly
I respond when asked.
My depression has me by my throat.
I want to explore my new home.
I'm tired of sitting in a house that's hotter than it is outside
I'm tired of falling asleep because I'm bored
I hate this.
I miss the stars
I miss late night walks with my friends
I hate that to occupy my time here all I do is smoke *** and play video games
I hate that my only friends here don't really talk to me.
I'm talked at, expected to listen.
When I have a chance to speak,
When my words are worth hearing
My sadness, my disparity, my bitter loneliness
Becomes a spring board to why they're unhappy
Becomes a reason to tell me my ego is the reason I'm sad
If I killed myself, they'd be legitimately confused
"He seemed happy"

Remember;
things get better.
Little
Large
Relevant
Nonsequester

Work for it
Set little goals

Question your motives.

Beat yourself up for mistakes you make
So that you are the reason you grow stronger

Live for you.
Please no one

I get it, my depression is, too, much for you all.
Let me get something straight.
I don't really give a **** how my depression makes you feel.
I don't give a **** that you think you're helping
You and your metaphysical ******* does nothing for me.
Don't tell me to meditate.
Don't tell me that you are here for me
You're white knight act is more of a lie then you'll be there when I need you.
I'm ******* fine.

Sing another song
My acapella princess
Sing me into sleep.

I've always struggled for a muse to my inspiration.
In short
I would hold myself back
smoke ***
get depressed
Then
be miserable with my poor life choices.
I'm choosing to no longer be punctual;
I will be early.
I'm choosing to keep my eyes on my horizon and surround myself with people who want to stay in my peripheral vision.
If I can see you, you aren't holding me back.
You're giving me a reason to keep moving forward.

I will not allow myself to be hurt
I will stop myself from feeling love
I refuse to feel envious
I will drain emotions from me and replace them with ***** and ***
If I feel nothing at all
then maybe
Maybe
I'll free myself
So please everyone
Watch me as I **** off
every ounce of my humanity
It's nothing personal
But I'm not allowed to care anymore
I don't want to.

Something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the words she says
Keeps me by her side

My least favorite part about the human obsession with education is probably the pretentiousness that follows it at its heel.
For example, I could spend years of my life learning to understand what makes music work;
Music theory.

I could spend hours, days, months, years, or decades studying. I could listen to everything from ancient arts like throats singing like in Mongolia or
Something newer like E.D.M.

Only to have my thoughts. My genuine love of music and the art behind it completely undermined by a classical music elitist with a degree.

How can education be important when you can't educate yourself to be a decent human being? What does bein thousands of dollars in debt and a peice of paper give you that I don't have?

Nothing.
Nothing at all.

I'm a squid,
I've mentioned it before in a poem
As we sit side by side
I can feel my tentacles,
Invisible to the eye,
Wrapping around you.
You probably can't feel the suckers against your back and side.
You sit singing whilst you draw
I'm also drawing.
Drawing you closer to me.
Closer to my heart
closer to my love.
I'm a squid
I'm a squid in love
I love you so
I won't let you go.

I've learned the value of life
I've fought long enough to be a veteran
I've grown weary of the front lines.
I've grown into something few would recognize.
I fight for what's right
Not a superhero of any kind.
I'm here to replace the guns with chess pieces.
I'm replacing swords with water balloons.
I'm taking into consideration the feelings of others.
I've far surpassed the days of violent anger.
Live and let live.
Live and let live.
Be kind
Love strong.

I'll come and get you
I'll dip deep into the sea
I'll save you from the sea.
Hold your breath, just a bit longer.
I'm coming to get you.
I've been that deep in the sea.
I'll come get you in my submersible.

If I killed myself,
I wonder how long itd take
for them to notice.

Sometimes I click 'add a poem' and I just sit staring at the blank 'body section and feel my heart collapse in on itself. It's been that way recently. Everyone expects me to be happy when I can't and when I try really hard to be happy I get the timing all wrong as a result I'm kind of numb. I perpetually wish I was dead especially after a good night. I've heard that suicide tends to happen most after the committer has had a really good day. I can see how that's true. Have you ever looked at a beautiful painting while listening to a song that pulled you out of the deepest depression you've ever experienced? It changes you. I'm changed. I drink nightly. I spend every day surrounded by knives. I could make it look like an accident. I'm so lonely. No one cares. No one cares no one cares. No one gives a **** about me. I'm an excuse to ramble about what's hurting them. But it's okay. I'm here to help others. That's my only purpose. I'm getting tired though. I'm getting tired of being used. It hurts, living. I just want to make it stop. I'm tired of the whispers. No one knows how bad I really am. I never get far into telling them before they cut me off and I just shut up its how I was raised. It's all I know. And my feelings are irrelevant anyway. Whatever happens ,when I drink tonight, happens. I almost feel a genuine smile forming at the thought of self mutilation and self disposal.

Sunsets come at four
With the fading of days warmth
My head is at ease.

I often find myself sitting vacantly waiting for something to happen.
The sun explodes,
We die,
The world ends.
It happens even more on days like today;
The sky is grey
The snow is melting only to almost instantaneously freeze into ice
And I'm inside,
Laying on the couch in the billiards room,
Attempting to take in some form of natural light.
I'm lost in the sea of my thoughts
And much like scooping water with my hands
I'm unable to hold on to the thoughts of my stressors long enough to work through them.
I've been listening to less and less music
Yet
I still wear my headphones so people won't bother me.
I'm giving up on "living" for now
And
Focusing on feeling alive.
I haven't skated, comfortably, in months
Run for even longer.
I've been drinking more and more trying to escape from my stress filled days.
I'm turning on the vacancy sign in my body.
So that a demon can posses it and run my life into the ground for me,
Because I no longer want to exist any longer.

You seem so far away when I'm sitting beside you.

I wish I was on the phone with you, though

It's getting hard not to beg for one more kiss.

I have so much to say, however, you won't listen.

Our romance, when it starts again, ends like an incomplete _

It's another day of work,
I'm hungover.
I'm tired
The snow is settled,
surely melting.
My depression has me
locked in the bathroom.
Ten minutes.
Management,
Give me ten minutes
To swallow my sorrow
I'll sit in the bathroom
count my heartbeat,
And
Remember the sweet kiss
Of the summer sun.
Ten minutes to bask in my sorrow.
Management,
Give me ten minutes.

Like piano keys stuck too hard
As the blade of the knife once was
A needle that you ***** yourself with,
I am sharp.
Not intellectually,
Though I am intelligent,
I'm sharp as in
I am abrasive on ones ears as I enter and leave
I cut deep without effort
I surprise one without being noticed
I am the headache that comes without warning
I am the cold shooting up your spine
I am the fear you forgot you had.
I am the silence looming in the room that makes you uneasy
I am the cliché moving eyes in a portrait
I am a ghost
Living in a husk
This summer brought out the worst in me
Last spring was the best spring of my life.
This fall will be a season of dea, dry skin,
A kin to  the dead, dry leaves
I hope over this winter into this spring
I am reborn.
I hope I drop my drinking nightly
I hope I clear my lungs
I hope I can love music again
I hope I can play the piano gently
I hope I become dulled with use
I hope I remember to hand you a thimble
Hoping isn't enough though.
I'm going to pursue this
I know you won't wait
You probably don't want to
But even if I just earn back best friend status
That
That will be enough
I will be happy

Today, was a massive ******* to me.
I didn't want to each you buy cute clothes,
I didn't want to watch you pick out new bras
I didn't want to listen to the sad k-Matt music.
And watching you check your phone and paint your nails was painful as ****.
Just because we aren't together
You make my feelings nonexaistant.
Being asked if you're outfit looked good,
That's where it hurt the most why do you want to hear it from me?
Tonight you were getting cute for him.

I'm freaking, the **** out.
It's the first really bad panic attack
I've had in a while.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm just way, too, paranoid about this.
You said I have no reason to worry
I need to accept that
But swallowing a saw blade seems easier.
I trust you,
I'm just scared
And today
Waking up when you weren't there
Finding you in the bathroom
Going back to bed and waiting
Just to have you leave
after being back for five minutes
and be gone for what felt like years.
I wish I wasn't so clingy in the morning
****
I'm really not okay.
I have to work in thirty minutes.
Leave in twenty
And calm myself down in ten.
Take me back to 3:10
Take me back to reclining into you
Take me back to listening to music
I'm too inside my head
I'm too inside my head.
I'm way too inside my head.
Save me,
please,
Save me.