Normally I'd be playing this game as if on auto-pilot.
Normally I'd laugh at you making a joke about my addiction but today is far from normal.
today I I'm playing with hopes of ebbing your absence.
Losing today seems a lot more frustrating that normal.

I hate to play pretend, like I don't love you.

If I'm being whole heartedly honest,
It's not that the future is bleak
It's not that I'm overwhelmingly sad
I just don't ******* care anymore.
All the people who are "there for" me
Are only there when I place the plaster mask on my face to hide my shame.

When I'm over you
You'll probably look my way
Won't that be a shame

When I'm over you
I know that I'll be okay
But I don't want to

God, don't make me stop
Please don't burn the home you have
For what will not last

With enough time and pressure they say coal becomes diamond.
Too bad I'm not coal
I'm under the pressure of time
And a lot of time has passed
So, it's a shame I'm not coal.

The moon falls behind the horizon taking her light with her.

I'm so very lost
The days of my childhood in the house of God
are coming back to me in
waves as heavy as my baggage
My grandma says to fall to my knees and ask God for guidance
So I'll swallow my pride
Drop to my knees and beg God to bring back the woman I fell in love with
The person you used to be.
I haven't cried this hard in a long time
Work today is going to **** me

You probably ******* hate me after all this ****.

I'll come and get you
I'll dip deep into the sea
I'll save you from the sea.
Hold your breath, just a bit longer.
I'm coming to get you.
I've been that deep in the sea.
I'll come get you in my submersible.

Oh, a very lucky man, am I.
To be the one with which her heart resides.
A broken boy,
With fears to match the size of my feet, which are large.
I am a silver.
I thought no rhyme could be placed on me.
But she is my slant.
Oh, a very lucky man, am I.

I will prevail over this sadness.
I will pretend I never loved you.
Scratch that
I never did love you.
I've never loved anything.
And I don't hate anyone
I have no feelings for anything.
Whomever said numbness was a fault better look at me.
I'm perfect.
I'm free

Sometimes I click 'add a poem' and I just sit staring at the blank 'body section and feel my heart collapse in on itself. It's been that way recently. Everyone expects me to be happy when I can't and when I try really hard to be happy I get the timing all wrong as a result I'm kind of numb. I perpetually wish I was dead especially after a good night. I've heard that suicide tends to happen most after the committer has had a really good day. I can see how that's true. Have you ever looked at a beautiful painting while listening to a song that pulled you out of the deepest depression you've ever experienced? It changes you. I'm changed. I drink nightly. I spend every day surrounded by knives. I could make it look like an accident. I'm so lonely. No one cares. No one cares no one cares. No one gives a **** about me. I'm an excuse to ramble about what's hurting them. But it's okay. I'm here to help others. That's my only purpose. I'm getting tired though. I'm getting tired of being used. It hurts, living. I just want to make it stop. I'm tired of the whispers. No one knows how bad I really am. I never get far into telling them before they cut me off and I just shut up its how I was raised. It's all I know. And my feelings are irrelevant anyway. Whatever happens ,when I drink tonight, happens. I almost feel a genuine smile forming at the thought of self mutilation and self disposal.

All I want is to inspire my siblings


But look at the mess I've become

I find myself without you, once again.
This time really does feel like the end.
I warned myself to know what to do,
I told myself I would know.
I'm more aware of what is going on now that I've calmed myself.
I'm at the spot
where I told you How my head works.
I'm at the spot where we tossed rocks into the water.
Somewhere passed the spot
we played pooh sticks.
Only I'm not happy.
Only there is no laughing
Only there is no you.
My chest feels tight.
My chest feels like im having a cramp.
No matter how I contort myself I can't make the pain stop.
I miss you.
God I ******* miss you.
Getting off work has never felt so meaningless.
Skating towards your apartment never felt so pointless.
Passing it hurt so much.
Not that you care, all I am is stress anyway.

It hasn't even been an hour
since I said goodbye to you.
I want to skate to your house
And do this all again in person.
I wonder if you'd let me
I wonder if it'd be different.
I wonder if you're thinking about me
I wonder.

I am analytical
I am calculating
I am the monster called realism
I am not here to be everyone's friend
I am caring
I am cold
I am ashamed of who I am
I am the beast that feeds on itself
I am terror incarnate

Somehow I'm losing my grip.
Somewhere along the lines I lost sight
Since I couldn't be a marine
My drive has died
I'm lying to everyone.
I'm lying through my smile
It's just that these stress related canker sores
under my tongue make it hard to talk.
I want to be alone
With you.
I want to cry with my head in your lap
But that desire is as misplaced
As my frustration
I feel so vacant
I am so hollow
that if you where to
drop a penny down my throat
It'd take months before you heard the echo.
I don't know what passion feels like
I forget what motivation tastes like
I no longer hear my determination
All I have left are these depressing poems
A handful of self doubt
And a pocket with a broken spirit.
I remember when the sunrise meant something.
I remember when the moons light filled me with joy.
Maybe it's just this week.
Maybe it's just a bad day.
I hope that this headache stops
before I snap my phone in half.
I hope I can avert my gaze from the simple solution of cigarette smoke
And a circular burn somewhere on my upper arm.
The devil on my shoulder
Killed my conscious Months ago
His corpse still dangles from my neck like branches on a willow tree.
God, someone **** me and make it look like suicide.
I don't have the guts to spill my own myself anymore.

Does my regret show?

I shall not yield.

When will I get to cry my "tears of joy"?

songs you listen to
scream what my heart's been saying.
Will you notice me

I'm not your boyfriend
realistically speaking,
I never will be.
You think you know how much you're hurting me but you really don't.
Nights spent without you
I'm curled up in a very neat,
as small as I can manage, ball.
I sob quietly sometimes
others I just lay
absent and vacant of any emotion
I can press my fingertip to and point out.
When I'm with you,
I question everything,
every smile,
every flirtatious bat of your eye,
every letter in the words "I love you" I'm not the person you want.
I'm just your best friend who's a good lay.
How can I believe in a love
that you never give me reason to trust?
How can you be "in love" with me
but still so blindly
and
unapologetically hurt me.
I'm a good friend,
just not good enough to be a boyfriend.
But hey, you're getting what you want. And as much as it hurts,
as much as I know I'm not permanent, as much as my self worth depletes
I will continue to fall prey
to my overwhelming amount of love strictly directed at you.
When the pants end
and were laying in bed silently listening to music
I'm thinking of what I can do to make you love me the way I love you
I'll wonder what you believe what we are.
What you expect of me.
Nothing matters anymore.
I just want you to be happy.

Sitting here alone and hoping you'll show up kills me.

"You were my peach
You were my plum
You were my earth
You were my sun."
You were my stick of my favorite bubble gum.
I miss you more than I can describe
I miss you.
I miss you.
I'm breaking down again.

The moon rises, as the sun sets
And I rise like a phoenix from the ashes,
At least, I wish I would

It's been a while,
Hello, Wesley,
I'm Denxai.
I'm you,
A very much changed you
There's been, well, developments.
You've grown.
You've grown a lot.
So, much so,
That you may not recognize yourself
You're Pansexual,
You're non-binary
You're not, alone anymore
At times you're gonna feel that way
You're very likely autistic
You'll be very happy to hear that
I'm really glad you where there
Without you, well there would be no us
I really appreciate you
I don't respect a lot of what you did to survive
But I'm glad you did it
You're happy
Chasing joy
You wake up eary to listen to the birds
you enjoy your job
You're comfortable wit your body.
Well, most of the time
I love you.
I, *******, love you
So please.
Enjoy your rest.

I am bitter
I am melancholy
I am jealous
I am sad
I am lost
I am confused

Without the ability to voice it to you

I am in mourning.

Waking up next to you
Is a cliché,
A dream come true.

Drinking 'till we're sleepy
Is so much fun,
I hope that we do it again

I know you know I love you
You know I know you feel the same

Let's hold our love together
And from others lets abstain.

Give my father back.
The man I never got to meet
The man before ptsd
The man before deployment
Give me the father that raised my youngest sister
Give me the father I never had

Give me back my brother
The man who walked hours in flipflops
The man before the triggers
The man before basic training
Give me the brother who was full of mobility
Give me the brother I was raised beside

You can have my ******* freedom
If I can have them back
You can have my ******* freedom

Let's see what tomorrow brings,
Let's see where we will be,
Let's see why we try so hard
Let's see when we'll leave this town
Let's see who we can become together.

I'm a lit match

The night after you spend in my bed
I always find myself
sleeping
wherever you did
as opposed to my normal spot.
Because It still smells like you.
So tonight I'll dream of the day
when
"One night"
Becomes
"The rest of our lives."

Today's the kind of day that makes me feel like the tide is finally pulling back

Tonight is Friday
I'll spend it with my best friends
Pizza and *****.

The hours I spend without you by my side are the pinnacle of appreciation.

My love for you runs faster than a thin shallow river with the depth of the sea.

It may seem kind of odd that the love we've constructed was built so quickly.

And it may seem odd that for every hour, whether we spend it together or not

Seems endless.

You seem so far away when I'm sitting beside you.

I'm hiding from humanity.
I'm sitting outside my house.
I'm waiting for my dad to fall asleep.
I'm going to go inside at the dead of night.
And drink until I'm blind.
I'll pass out and wake up,
Go to work and do it again.

I wish I was on the phone with you, though

As I sit in this bathroom stall trying to figure out what I should do next buying a gun and testing my point blank aim is seeming like a very appealing idea.

Today will be long.

I'll just finish this pack then go to bed brah.