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180 · Apr 2015
I
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
I
I'm tired,
Not sleepy,
Tired.

I'm trying,
Not forcing,
Trying.

i've wished,
And begged,
Notice
179 · May 2015
Untitled 20
Denxai Mcmillon May 2015
There's a difference between a "house" and a "home".
Much as there is between "love" and "in love".
It's hard to see for it blurs
like paint mixing into other colors
as the artist blends them,
however,
It's there,
that fine line.
177 · Oct 2015
Untitled
Denxai Mcmillon Oct 2015
The only God that seems to exist
On the cold these Passing nights
Is the loneliness
I swore it wouldn't drive me to think

I'm not bitter.
But as I lay staring at my ceiling
I wonder what the **** I'm doing
Because I have no clue
176 · Sep 2015
Feel
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2015
I hate myself more every time your eyes meet mine.
I feel their pressure
I feel your love in your gaze
I feel you trying to let go.
I feel myself trying desperately to help
I feel all these things but I'm numbing myself.
Soon I won't feel anything.
176 · Oct 2015
Untitled
Denxai Mcmillon Oct 2015
I've never been one to much like goodbyes.
Today I saw two of my best friends for,
what will most likely be,
the last time outside of work.
We didn't speak of missing one another
we simply continued existing, the three of us.
I've said more goodbyes than I care to.
To people whom I've loved deeply.
My comfortable life is shattering.
I'm leaving my heart in Frederick
While I run to San Diego
I don't know what to do.
I don't want to say goodbye to you.
I don't want to say goodbye to you
I want to stay home, in bed,
and
talk about the things we disagree about
I want to stay home, in bed,
And
Call out of work to cuddle
I want to stay home, in bed.
I want to keep calling this dead end city home.
175 · Nov 2021
Waterfall
Denxai Mcmillon Nov 2021
Cadence
Has always seemed odd to me
Falling casually into pattens of speech
Pressing my words together
As if a breath is something I may never find
Colliding combinations of chaotic,
cascading,
Words
Pressed permanently through pressed lips
Pulsating the air
Puncturing silence purposing
Punctuation’s predominant purpose is
Silence.
To end, needless, nonsensical ramblings.
I want to walk, willingly,
from a wriggle in my mind
To a writhing sense of wonder.
Let me speak quickly
Let me fumble over words
Let me speak,
Even if no one is listening
173 · Sep 2015
Untitled
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2015
I'll just finish this pack then go to bed brah.
172 · Jun 2015
Suicidal tendencies
Denxai Mcmillon Jun 2015
If I killed myself,
I wonder how long itd take
for them to notice.
172 · Aug 2015
Untitled
Denxai Mcmillon Aug 2015
It's not my place to care who you end up with.
It's not my place to get hung up on it.
It's not my place.
But I hate him.
I hate him more every time you say his name.
But if it happens I'll be less than surprised.
171 · Apr 2015
4w 5
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
Today will be long.
170 · Apr 2015
Four words 1
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
Hide the heart's key
170 · Oct 2015
Untitled
Denxai Mcmillon Oct 2015
This place makes me happy
This change is a good one.
This pain in my chest is telling me not to come back
But I know that it's time for me to go.
For the first time I'm listening to my head
While my heart's ripped to shreds.
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
I've got half a mind
The other half's, too, hard to find
So here I am, in quite the bind
Looking desperately, most of the time.
170 · Mar 2015
Dust
Denxai Mcmillon Mar 2015
There was a day somewhere along the lines
where you and I
became a belated goodbye.

I can't say i didn't see it coming,
I was getting angry every day, though i couldn't see it.
It's as my father once told me when i asked about my mother
Or
what i think he'd have said if i had the courage to ask,
"It never really goes away, the hurt."
"The pain of losing someone you loved."
All you can do is mark it,
The day when the love died.
Remember what the days looked like
When in love becomes love,
when love becomes friendship,
And friendship becomes *dust
167 · Jun 2015
Untitled
Denxai Mcmillon Jun 2015
There's so much I want to say
But I don't feel like it would change anything if I did
What if I just ran away from life?
I'm struggling to stay away with self harm.
Only because I don't want to see your disappointed face.
****, I don't wanna do this anymore.
167 · Apr 2015
Untitled 14
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
The touch of your teeth sliding over my skin
as you rest over top of me,
Pinned figuratively and literally,
I know that there isn't a way for me to break out of your spell.
165 · Apr 2015
Ten words 5
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
I have so much to say, however, you won't listen.
165 · Oct 2015
Untitled
Denxai Mcmillon Oct 2015
I am collapsing under the weight of my past
I'm moving across the country for what
I don't even know why I'm still drawing breath.
**** everything man
164 · Aug 2022
All children make mistakes
Denxai Mcmillon Aug 2022
It's been a while,
Hello, Wesley,
I'm Denxai.
I'm you,
A very much changed you
There's been, well, developments.
You've grown.
You've grown a lot.
So, much so,
That you may not recognize yourself
You're Pansexual,
You're non-binary
You're not, alone anymore
At times you're gonna feel that way
You're very likely autistic
You'll be very happy to hear that
I'm really glad you where there
Without you, well there would be no us
I really appreciate you
I don't respect a lot of what you did to survive
But I'm glad you did it
You're happy
Chasing joy
You wake up eary to listen to the birds
you enjoy your job
You're comfortable wit your body.
Well, most of the time
I love you.
I, *******, love you
So please.
Enjoy your rest.
This is an ongoing project exploring the depths of my mind written in the frame of 6 minutes to the song "All children make mistakes" by Pianos become the teeth
163 · Aug 2022
Bodies
Denxai Mcmillon Aug 2022
Give my father back.
The man I never got to meet
The man before ptsd
The man before deployment
Give me the father that raised my youngest sister
Give me the father I never had

Give me back my brother
The man who walked hours in flipflops
The man before the triggers
The man before basic training
Give me the brother who was full of mobility
Give me the brother I was raised beside

You can have my ******* freedom
If I can have them back
You can have my ******* freedom
162 · Apr 2022
Pining
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2022
A tree may not know
What the sky looks like above
Envy takes its hold
circumstance is a cruel man
161 · Jul 2021
Chasing my back
Denxai Mcmillon Jul 2021
I’m sick of this endless cycle
Running on empty
While watching my back
I swear I’ve seen this before
But I can’t remember how it ends
I’ll eat myself alive
Trying not to end up dead
I’ll find the path
Just to see my back again
I swear I’ve seen this before
But I can’t remember how it ends

Ouroboros
161 · Mar 2015
Fall
Denxai Mcmillon Mar 2015
To be honest,
I've always had a fear
Completely etched into my head
The fear of falling,
Not so much literally as figuratively
To fall;
In love,
To the hands of despair,
Apart,
Into a rut in life.
All of these fears have held me back
these days I've developed a new fear
The fear to get back up.
It scares me
Not because It's hard
But because
I'm leaving a part of myself behind.
161 · Apr 2015
Untitled 4
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
Just because I said,
"I'm happy you're happy"
Doesn't mean I'm not still upset
158 · May 2015
Untitled 25
Denxai Mcmillon May 2015
Sometimes, I wonder if the color of my skin is as relevant as how I treat others.

I never once thought I'd have to try
Making those around feel like sisters or brothers.
158 · Apr 2015
Ten words 6
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
Our romance, when it starts again, ends like an incomplete _
158 · Mar 2015
One last night
Denxai Mcmillon Mar 2015
I'll give you my full attention,
Not that I'll hear your voice
Nor do I wish to.
I'll give you the attention
of a, mental, goodbye.
I don't miss you,
I haven't.
For what it's worth,
what we had meant a lot.
For what it's worth,
I don't regret it.
I'm off now living my life,
My, no longer, mediocre life.
I don't know what you're doing
nor do I wish to.
This is the last night
That I'll replay our moments
The ones I swore I'd never let go.
I'm doing what you always feared.
I'm living,
Happily,
Without you.
I hope you're doing what I wished when I set up the end of us.
Living happily,
Without me.
Goodbye
And
Thank you.
158 · May 2015
Untitled 29
Denxai Mcmillon May 2015
I always wanted to take you to where I'm sitting now. Where the fireflies are spread arcoss a field. Where I stop to stare like I did when I saw you.
157 · May 2015
Fall
Denxai Mcmillon May 2015
I hope whoever you next "fall for"
Is whatever you're looking for in a partner.
Despite all of this ****, I still want you to be happy.
157 · Sep 2020
When I leave
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2020
I am rooted
Here I sit
Here I stay

In the breeze I watched you fall
I've seen your sprout grow strong and tall
with your roots still young and thin
you may leave my planted kin

while my leaves would give you shade
in the sun you'll need to play
So, off you go. Grow thick and strong
And follow the winds sweet sad song.

I shall still grow.
I ebb and flow.
I am still rooted I can not go.

In your winter I'll send my leaves
Wait for them upon that breeze
All my love our memories

You may be far
And I still here
But
In the breeze I'll hold you near
For my dad
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
Yeah?
Well how do you think I feel watching you love him?
I wish I could say
I never knew what it was like to be physically ill
When I saw two people together.
I wish I never knew what it was like to be held by you.
I wish that you never spent the time on me.
I gave you my heart just to watch you set it on the ground.
It's killing me to see you with him.
You're happy though
So, I'll just fade to black again.
153 · Mar 2015
Onlooker
Denxai Mcmillon Mar 2015
Giving up
It's a lot harder than you think,
Don't judge me for being a quitter
When
You've never even seen
How hard I really tried.
150 · May 2015
Untitled 30
Denxai Mcmillon May 2015
I'm scared to sleep
because
If I dream about you
I'll wake up crying
Spend all day wishing you would hold me
Think about how warm you hugs felt
Wish I hadn't woken up
Know that what we had didn't last
Because
The second we said "forever" our love became a feather.
I referenced one of my earlier poems "forever and feathers"
149 · Sep 2015
Untitled
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2015
I'm okay on my own.
I'm okay all alone.
I'm fine without help
I'll probably **** myself.
147 · May 2015
Untitled 24
Denxai Mcmillon May 2015
I'm drunkenly falling into bed.
I keep telling myself I won't miss the way you smell after a shower
Or
even the sweet smell of your sweat
As we fell asleep.  
I know I will.
Two nights ago
when I was passed out, drunk, on your couch,
You asked me to sleep with you.
I don't hope you see it,
But,
I feel so ******* hollow knowing that you could only love me day by day.
147 · Mar 2015
Untitled 2
Denxai Mcmillon Mar 2015
These days without you,
Make singing a lot harder
Oh, how I miss you.
146 · Oct 2021
Sober
Denxai Mcmillon Oct 2021
I am sober
I miss the flick of a bic
The lick of smoke past my lips
I am sober
I miss the taste of whiskey
The bite to make me shiver
I am sober
I miss the intoxication of you
I am sobered.
143 · Aug 2022
Converge
Denxai Mcmillon Aug 2022
Intersection of me
Who I am
Who I want to be
Who I can connect
Parts of my heart
Speaking truth of who made me
A poem of weakness
I'm naked when i bring together the parts of my heart
It's who made me
I'm not an individual of particular courage
So, when you meet
Pieces of me
Pieces of me
Come together like polar opposites
Come together like magnets
with ease
for me
Please
Please
come together
I can't do this alone
I need you to meet
So, if it's not in the middle
So, if it's not half way
You'll tear me apart
Come together
For me
139 · Apr 2015
Wishes
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
I make moments last, too long.
I take these breaths between breaths.
I wish upon stars,
And count those wishes.
I can count on one hand
the wishes that came true.
One of which was you.
138 · Jan 2021
Unrequited
Denxai Mcmillon Jan 2021
She was beautiful,
Then,
Probably, still is.
I dont know.
I haven't thought of her in a long time.

We only met in passing a few times.
Once in the basement of a party
Once in my bedroom,
Once while I was working
And
The last time,
That last time
was on the roof of a parking deck

Each time she was beautiful.
She always smelled of autumn.
I was in love.
With her.
Yet, she would never take me.
I think,
it's because of my feelings for her.

Someone she met so few times.

I thought of her today
While listening to music.
I felt as though
she was listening to me sing
She was listening to me sing
About how much I'm looking foward.
I dont think of her any more.
But,
I know I'll meet her again.

In my final moments
she'll offer me her hand.
To take me as a friend.
Thinking about all the times I tried to **** myself and how happy I am to have failed.
137 · Jun 2015
Untitled
Denxai Mcmillon Jun 2015
It's not that I've stopped loving you.
It's not even that this is what I want.
It's more that I'm tired of being pulled up to the passenger seat, just to be sidelined.
It's not that I want this.
I really don't want to do this.
But maybe it's time you chased me.
Because I feel less and less like you love me.
I feel more like an object.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry I couldn't just be enough to sweep you off your feet and for things to work.
I'm sorry but I'm not going to keep breaking myself.  
I'll be your friend.
I'll still see you.
But my body will be my own.
And my lips will be making rapid retreats from yours until you know what you want.
137 · May 2015
Untitled 28
Denxai Mcmillon May 2015
I wish I hadn't woken up today
I wish I'd stayed in bed.
136 · Apr 2015
Untitled 11
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
I don't know how or why, but there's an angel in my bed.
135 · Apr 2015
Untitled 17
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
I miss you,
I miss the way that "I love you"
Slipped sleepily from your lips.
134 · Sep 2015
Untitled
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2015
If it meant having you, I would have chosen to never hear a note of the music that saved my life.
129 · Apr 2015
I'll run for now
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
I refuse to cry
Over something I can't stop
I'll just sleep it off
127 · Jun 2015
Untitled
Denxai Mcmillon Jun 2015
I'm gonna play a game
Drink and take whatever I can find
If I wake up **** it
If not.
Whatever
125 · Apr 2015
Untitled 15
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
Finding your hair in my bed
Reminds me there was a pillow
where you'd rest your head.
124 · Jul 2015
Untitled
Denxai Mcmillon Jul 2015
Don't worry, it's cool
I hate Friday's
124 · Aug 2015
Untitled
Denxai Mcmillon Aug 2015
Somewhere beyond the horizon,
Somewhere beyond my field of view
There is an ever lasting hope
That when I pass it
Or
When I turn
I'll see you.
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