I'm not stupid.

I have found my place.
Where I am celebrated
Where I know I'm loved.

No one gives a ****.
The only reason they'll care when I **** myself is because of the fact, they'll realize I needed them the night before, ******* scratch that. The months before. Outside of that I won't matter till I'm ******* gone.

I don't know what to call this purgatory,
Because things are tense
But we aren't fighting.
If I push too hard to get to the bottom of things it'll be a fight.
But as of right now,
It's just empty awkwardness.

I never thought it'd get to this.
I'm sorry
I am,
I don't want to be apart from you
There's a lot I want
But this is what I need
When I can look at you without the warped image created by the indescribable amount of love I have for you.
I might reach out to you.
You're so quick to think that you're always right.
You are a lot of the time.
You ditched me because of convenience.
"I am not one to be stood up"
You said that.
I'm learning to live it.
You can now mind your business and not have to worry about my troubles.
You're on your own now.
I don't hate you.
I'm in love with you still
And cutting you off from my in depth thoughts
Is in its own right self harm
It hurts
I'm hurting
But that's okay to you because they aren't cuts on my sleeve right

The only God that seems to exist
On the cold these Passing nights
Is the loneliness
I swore it wouldn't drive me to think

I'm not bitter.
But as I lay staring at my ceiling
I wonder what the **** I'm doing
Because I have no clue

You're making me a stranger to try and reset our friendship.
So, I'll follow in your footsteps
Become the shell of who loves you so dearly.
If you move on
I hope you're happy.
I'll be here hopelessly in love.

I hate myself more every time your eyes meet mine.
I feel their pressure
I feel your love in your gaze
I feel you trying to let go.
I feel myself trying desperately to help
I feel all these things but I'm numbing myself.
Soon I won't feel anything.

I'm so insecure,
I'm scared to lean too heavily on you.
You already said you have too much on your plate to support another.
So I'm off to find a crutch.

Not a peep
Not a sound
I'm not worth a "hey"
Not worth a "hello"
Yeah, today was a test
You failed
I'd tell you otherwise,
However,
All I'd get if I tried
Is static.

I'm tired,
Not sleepy,
Tired.

I'm trying,
Not forcing,
Trying.

i've wished,
And begged,
Notice

I've never been one to much like goodbyes.
Today I saw two of my best friends for,
what will most likely be,
the last time outside of work.
We didn't speak of missing one another
we simply continued existing, the three of us.
I've said more goodbyes than I care to.
To people whom I've loved deeply.
My comfortable life is shattering.
I'm leaving my heart in Frederick
While I run to San Diego
I don't know what to do.
I don't want to say goodbye to you.
I don't want to say goodbye to you
I want to stay home, in bed,
and
talk about the things we disagree about
I want to stay home, in bed,
And
Call out of work to cuddle
I want to stay home, in bed.
I want to keep calling this dead end city home.

There's a difference between a "house" and a "home".
Much as there is between "love" and "in love".
It's hard to see for it blurs
like paint mixing into other colors
as the artist blends them,
however,
It's there,
that fine line.

I am collapsing under the weight of my past
I'm moving across the country for what
I don't even know why I'm still drawing breath.
**** everything man

Hide the heart's key

If I killed myself,
I wonder how long itd take
for them to notice.

I've got half a mind
The other half's, too, hard to find
So here I am, in quite the bind
Looking desperately, most of the time.

It's not my place to care who you end up with.
It's not my place to get hung up on it.
It's not my place.
But I hate him.
I hate him more every time you say his name.
But if it happens I'll be less than surprised.

I always wanted to take you to where I'm sitting now. Where the fireflies are spread arcoss a field. Where I stop to stare like I did when I saw you.

This place makes me happy
This change is a good one.
This pain in my chest is telling me not to come back
But I know that it's time for me to go.
For the first time I'm listening to my head
While my heart's ripped to shreds.

I have so much to say, however, you won't listen.

Yeah?
Well how do you think I feel watching you love him?
I wish I could say
I never knew what it was like to be physically ill
When I saw two people together.
I wish I never knew what it was like to be held by you.
I wish that you never spent the time on me.
I gave you my heart just to watch you set it on the ground.
It's killing me to see you with him.
You're happy though
So, I'll just fade to black again.

I hope whoever you next "fall for"
Is whatever you're looking for in a partner.
Despite all of this ****, I still want you to be happy.

The touch of your teeth sliding over my skin
as you rest over top of me,
Pinned figuratively and literally,
I know that there isn't a way for me to break out of your spell.

There's so much I want to say
But I don't feel like it would change anything if I did
What if I just ran away from life?
I'm struggling to stay away with self harm.
Only because I don't want to see your disappointed face.
****, I don't wanna do this anymore.

Our romance, when it starts again, ends like an incomplete _

To be honest,
I've always had a fear
Completely etched into my head
The fear of falling,
Not so much literally as figuratively
To fall;
In love,
To the hands of despair,
Apart,
Into a rut in life.
All of these fears have held me back
these days I've developed a new fear
The fear to get back up.
It scares me
Not because It's hard
But because
I'm leaving a part of myself behind.

Sometimes, I wonder if the color of my skin is as relevant as how I treat others.

I never once thought I'd have to try
Making those around feel like sisters or brothers.

I'm okay on my own.
I'm okay all alone.
I'm fine without help
I'll probably **** myself.

I'm drunkenly falling into bed.
I keep telling myself I won't miss the way you smell after a shower
Or
even the sweet smell of your sweat
As we fell asleep.  
I know I will.
Two nights ago
when I was passed out, drunk, on your couch,
You asked me to sleep with you.
I don't hope you see it,
But,
I feel so ******* hollow knowing that you could only love me day by day.

If it meant having you, I would have chosen to never hear a note of the music that saved my life.

It's not that I've stopped loving you.
It's not even that this is what I want.
It's more that I'm tired of being pulled up to the passenger seat, just to be sidelined.
It's not that I want this.
I really don't want to do this.
But maybe it's time you chased me.
Because I feel less and less like you love me.
I feel more like an object.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry I couldn't just be enough to sweep you off your feet and for things to work.
I'm sorry but I'm not going to keep breaking myself.  
I'll be your friend.
I'll still see you.
But my body will be my own.
And my lips will be making rapid retreats from yours until you know what you want.

I wish I hadn't woken up today
I wish I'd stayed in bed.

I make moments last, too long.
I take these breaths between breaths.
I wish upon stars,
And count those wishes.
I can count on one hand
the wishes that came true.
One of which was you.

I don't know how or why, but there's an angel in my bed.

I miss you,
I miss the way that "I love you"
Slipped sleepily from your lips.

I refuse to cry
Over something I can't stop
I'll just sleep it off

I'm gonna play a game
Drink and take whatever I can find
If I wake up **** it
If not.
Whatever