I don’t know how to love myself,
When I hate myself so much.
I’d lock myself up in a cell,
Lose the key and such.

If I have wings,
They're broken.
If I have a halo,
It's cracked.
If I have a white robe,
It is blood splattered.
If I am loved,
I don't feel it.
I'm no angel.

It's morning again...
And on goes the armor...
The shining helmet...
The scratched up breastplate...
The worn out belt...
The broken in shoes...
She picks up her sword which has never failed her...
She picks up her shield which has seen a lot...
She is ready to face her demons once again...
She prays a prayer to her Heavenly Father...
To strengthen her and help her have courage...
She goes and opens the door...
The battle has begun...
She gives a battle cry and charges at the demons...
There are many of them...
But one by one they fall to her sword...
She's seen so much...
But she keeps going...
It's Battle Time.

Sounds so deep,
Sounding so mellow,
The sounds I'll keep,
While playing my cello.

My cello's shoulder I rest my chin on,
While swaying back and forth,
My mind is far gone,
Far away from Earth.

Its song is haunting,
I don't want it to end,
It leaves me wanting,
To hear the song ascend.

I love my cello,
It has a nice slow tempo. (Sometimes)

I want you to come home,
I don't like that you're away.
I don't want to be alone,
For you, I'll wait for that day...

When you WILL come home.
I'll say "Hello, dear brother!",
Because I won't be dressed in black,
And have to comfort our grieving mother.

When you come home,
I'll give you a big hug, and a kiss,
I won't anymore be alone,
And you won't have to be longer missed.

I love you my twin brother,
Please come back to me and mother.

Feathers of ebony
Wings of afternoon
Eyes of shadows
One means sorrow
Or death
Cloaked in mystery
And sadness
Cawing a mournful tune
A lonely crow

I want the demons in my head to go away.
But they won't leave me alone.
They scream at me,
They tell me to do bad things,
They tell me lies.
I can't escape them.
I think there is more than one demon in my head.
I feel powerless.
Please help me.

Put down the knife,
Untie the noose,
Don't end your life,
This battle you can't lose.

Put down the gun,
Don't take the pills,
Dying isn't fun,
This isn't God's will.

Don't take the fall,
Don't listen to the lies,
Don't lose it all,
Don't say goodbye.

People would miss you,
It's God you should turn to.

Don't lie about being not okay.
If someone you trust asks you "How are you?",
Tell them the truth.
They could help you,
Or find someone to help you.
Don't hide behind a smile if you aren't okay.
The smile can be a perfect mask for your emotions.
I know that,
I have hidden behind a smile many times.
You don't want to worry your friends,
I get that.
You don't want to worry your family,
I understand.
But tell them anyway,
They love and care about you.
They want to help you.
Don't lie,
Lying once makes it easier the next time around.
Even if you are bad at lying.

Don't you dare mourn for me,
I know you never cared,
You left me hanging on a tree,
Say "I love you" You never dared.

Don't you dare mourn for me,
You never loved me anyway,
I loved you and that's the "tea",
These words I needed to say.

Don't you dare mourn for me,
All I was, was loyal,
I wish you could've finally seen,
Now I'm six feet under soil.

Please don't mourn,
I sometimes wish I were never born.

I say my goodbye,
This is farewell,
It is my time,
Tolls the bell.

I wish to be here no longer,
I'm sorry if it's selfish.
I have over and over pondered,
I probably have a death wish.

It's my time to go,
I can't stay longer,
I love you, I hope you know,
My fear of death I conquered.

I am so sorry to do this,
My mind lost in the abyss.

I wish I could forget them.
I really do.
It would be so much easier to go through the day.
I wouldn’t have to remember that we were friends.
Or how much I care about them.
I wish I could forget them.
I really do.
It would be so much easier to be free.
I would never have to talk to them.
Or miss talking with them.
I wish I could forget them.
I really do.
It would be so much easier being happy.
I wouldn’t have to remember the good memories we shared.
Or all the hangouts.
I wish I could forget them.
I really do.
I wouldn’t have to hurt so much seeing them being together,
And being happy without me.
10-18-19

One day, I will be free.
Free from depression,
Free from anxiety.
Free from bad thoughts.
Free from myself.
Free from the hurt.
One day, I will have wings.
One day, I will be able to go home.
One day, I will be free.

Drift,
Wander,
Lurk,
Stalk.
I Am
The
Ghost
In The
Hallways.

I am three inches tall,
I am metal scraps put together for fun.
I am a skeleton of what I could be.
It's sad really.
Then again my name is Gloom.
My head might hang low,
But I live life to the fullest.
I love being in photos,
I have an Instagram for my adventures,
But my memory bank lost the password.

It is hard to say what I am feeling,
But I can't describe it.
I want to tell you,
But I don't know how.
I want your help,
But I don't want to sound needy.
I want to be held,
But I don't want to be awkward.
So I don't say anything.

To be hurting so much,
To have to endure all the pain,
To have to stick around for other people,
It’s hard.
When your friends end up hurting you,
When they don’t know how much pain you’re in,
When all you can do is smile at them and say ‘I’m fine’,
It’s frustrating.
But try to have a little hope.

I want to cry
My eyes are dry
I want to die
It's not my time
I want to speak my mind
It would terrify
I am too shy
I have to lie
And say I'm fine

I don't understand what people see in me,
I don't get why they'd want to be my friend.
I am a ball of depression, see,
The sadness for me won't end.

I can't fathom why people love me,
I don't get why people care.
I once was a cutter, see,
I hurt the people who were there.

There must be a mistake,
I'm not someone that's amazing.
I am someone to forsake,
I am nothing nothing but lazy.

I don't deserve love,
I will never be enough.

I don't want to be a burden.
I need to keep my mouth shut sometimes.
I don't want to scare anyone.
I need to keep my mouth shut sometimes.
I don't want to lie about it.
I need to keep my mouth shut sometimes.
I don't want to be a problem.
I need to keep my mouth shut sometimes.
I'm Sorry.

In an instant,
Your life could change forever.
In an instant,
A loved one could've been taken from you.
In an instant,
The worst could happen.
In an instant,
It all came crashing down.
In an instant.

Living is hard.
I understand that.
Living can be annoying.
I get that.
Living can be rough.
I know that.
Living can be a pain.
I understand that.
But life is so much more than that, please keep living.

I will walk through Hades with you.
Even through the scorching coals.
Even through the boiling heat.
I will walk right beside you.
Even when you're fallin apart.
Even when you can't walk any farther.
I will carry you through the fire.
Even if I get burned.
Because I've been through Hades before.

I will fight off the demons with you.
Even if there are too many to count.
I will guide you to the exit.
For I have been there before.
I know the way out.
It will be a difficult trip.
But I am ready.
I'm ready to fight alongside you.
Let's take this on together.

(If you are ever going through Hades, I will be right beside you no matter what.)

Should/ Do people who commit suicide go to h*ll or Heaven?
What do you think?
I ask this question because I am curious.

Just let me forget you,
Like you forgot me,
You never even knew,
How much of an impact you'd be.

I can't bear to think of the times we shared,
I wish they would fade away,
And you never even cared,
It lead to my dismay.

I'm sorry that I'm a let down,
I really tried my best,
I ended up the clown,
I wish it would hurt less.

You left me in the thick fog and mist,
You left me wandering in the abyss.

I would take a bullet for you,
or several.
If it meant saving your life,
I'd do it in a heartbeat.
Even if it meant my heart would stop.
I'd do almost anything to save you.
And I wouldn't lie about this.
I hope this shows how much I love you.
You matter to me.

I put on a mask,
I wear it all day,
People don't even ask,
If I'm actually okay.
It hides the pain,
But some can see through it,
They see the demons I must slay,
And they still love me anyway,
They take off my mask... and they don't turn away.

"Stab yourself"
My mind yells
"Slit your wrists"
My mind screams
"Shoot yourself"
My mind screeches
"You need to live"
My mind whispers
Listen to the whisper

I didn't know what it was like,
Until this morning,
My heart stabbed by a spike,
But his soul is soaring.

When it finally sinks in,
I can't talk to him anymore,
His spirit now in Heaven,
Now and forevermore.

I didn't get to know him that well,
But seeing my father sad,
My tears that fell,
But his soul is free, and I'm glad.

Grandpa, when I said goodbye, I forgot to tell you I love you.
But my mom said that you already knew.

My heart can be made of diamond,
A very hard solid.
My heart can be made of stone,
A very tough thing.
My heart can be made of gold,
A very malleable metal.
My heart can be made of glass,
A very easily breakable thing.
Be careful with my heart please.

My heart hurts,
From all the pain,
Caused by life.

My heart hurts,
From all the chaos,
Caused by people.

My heart hurts,
From all the words spread,
Caused by gossip.

I am no longer trusted.
I ruined it for myself.
I just had to hurt myself.
I ruined it for myself.
I lied and faked being okay.
I ruined it for myself.
Now when I say I can be trusted,
No-one believes me.
And I ruined it for myself.

Not today,
I will not give in to the temptation.
Not today,
I will not dwell on bad thoughts.
Not today,
I will not harm myself.
Not today,
I will not...
Not today.

You have to keep fighting.
But it gets so hard to keep fighting.
There have been loses on both sides of the war.
You feel defeated.
You want to give up.
You want to surrender and end it all.
Please don’t.
There are people who want you to stick around.
So keep trying.

Please stay with me,
I know I sound selfish,
But I need you here with me.
Please stay with me,
I know I can't do this without you,
But it makes me sound needy.
Please stay with me,
I know I need help,
But you don't have to stay if you don't want to.

You are a fighter.
You have been fighting for a while.
It has been hard,
But you can get through it.
There will be tears shed.
But it helps to get the emotion out.
If you don’t feel safe,
Please tell someone.
They can try to help you.
They might have to tell your family,
But they do it to protect you,
They want you to stick around.
They don’t want to think you can’t trust them.
Because you can trust them.
It may not feel like it sometimes,
But they tell someone for your benefit.
They love you.
I say it again, if you don’t feel okay or safe,
Please Tell Someone.
10-29-19

Rings can be a promise,
A promise to be there,
A promise to love someone,
A promise to trust.
A ring is a circle,
A circle never ends.
A promise should go until the end.
A promise should be kept.
I'll keep my promise.

Why am I so scared to be abandoned?
Why must I care so much?
Why do I feel so alone?
I don't want to be lonely.
I care because that's the way I am.
It's my brain that tells me I am alone.
I'm so annoyed,
I can't keep up.
Why do I feel so bad?

I found one,
But it has been six months since I have  given in.
I had to get rid of it.
It was too tempting to keep around.
I got rid of it,
And it made me sad, yet happy.
I am not going back.
I will not go back,
I refuse.

The devil likes to tempt,
No one is exempt,
From his silver tongue.

I've had bad thoughts before.
There doesn't have to be a reason to have them.
They just come.

I have scars,
Oh yes, I have many scars,
From things I shouldn't have done.
Things that seemed right at the moment,
But in the end,
All it did was cause me more grief.
My thoughts turned to actions,
Which gave me these scars,
That I am ashamed of.
I did it to escape for a moment,
Escape the tormenting thoughts that filled my head,
But now it reminds me of the thoughts I wanted gone.
I was so dependent on my physical suffering,
That when I stopped the physical harm,
The mental half of it went insane.
Occasionally I would slip,
And created more unwanted scars.
I used to think each one was for a sin,
But I never needed to do it,
Because God sent His Son to take it away,
To take away all my sin so I wouldn't have to be hurting.
But I chose to do it,
I was destroying God's creation,
His creation that He put together so carefully.
I was created in His image,
And I used to and sometimes still do hate myself.
But hating the way I look,
Is hating my creator in a way.
It makes God sad when we choose to hurt ourselves.
We have been Fearfully and Wonderfully created.
Jesus received the Ultimate scars,
So we wouldn't have to have scars.
If that makes sense.
We don't need to give ourselves scars for our sins,
Jesus took the punishment for us.
I know that it's hard to stop once you've started,
Because that voice in your head says "Just once more.",
But it's never enough to satisfy that voice.
That voice is the voice of the Enemy.
The devil wants us to hate ourselves,
It's because we were made in the Image of God.
And the Enemy knows that God has already won.
To all of you who struggle with self harm,
You aren't alone.
Seek help from family, friends, and God.
God can help you overcome your battle,
He is helping me overcome mine.
We are Warriors.
We need to stand firm and tell those bad voices "No!".
We need to try our hardest to stop the harm.
Because we aren't just hurting ourselves.
We are hurting our friends and family too.
God tells us to be "Strong and Courageous",
And that means telling the devil "NO!,
I will not destroy myself, for I am a Child of God,
and I am Fearfully and Wonderfully made,
You have no power over me, Go back to the Underworld where you belong!
I am More than my scars!"

My beloved Troll Princess,
You are so weird,
But I love you anyways.
You can be annoying at times,
But that's your job.
You make me laugh,
You send me dumb memes,
And questionable Tik Toks.
You are truly the one and only.

True friends can see the hurt behind your eyes.
They can tell when you're not okay even when you say you are.
True friends will know when you need them.
They will give you a hug when you need it.
True friends will stick with you through tough times.
They will not give up on you.
True friends will protect you.
They will protect you even from yourself if they can.
True Friends can be hard to come by.

She flies with me in the night sky,
My best companion,
Not going to lie,
She would never abandon.

She's been with me through the hard times,
She is like my sister,
She puts up with my awful rhymes,
If she were to leave, I'd miss her. (A lot)

I don't know what I'd do without you Tyto,
You are a reason I stay on Earth,
To the ends of the Earth I'd go,
To show you your worth.

I love you my friend,
My loyalty to you won't ever end.

I can't find the words,
To explain what's going on,
Inside my head.
I can't find the words,
To express how sorry I am,
For being a let down.
I can't find the words,
To expound on how I feel,
About the thoughts I have.

"Stop looking so lesbian."
She told her,
I hated that phrase.
We did nothing wrong.
All we did was head bump.
That's it.
Why can't friends show love for each other...
Without it being classified as something we aren't.
I don't get it.
It's frustrating.
I want to show love towards my friends without it being awkward.
It irritates me.
Why does it happen?
It shouldn't.