I didn't tell him to stop
I just told him I was going to be late
I didn't mind what he was doing
and some of it was nice
but I figured, I don't want to lie to him
I don't want to fake it
but I don't want to ignore what should be happening right now
so I said I had to leave
and he understood
or he thought he did
he thought I was late
I wasn't.

I just can't do that anymore
it doesn't work
it's not his fault
it's
It's from a while ago
from someone else
and I don't tell anyone
I don't know how to
it's not dinner table conversation
It's not even therapy conversation at my age
Because, I'm my age
Because at my age that shouldn't be a problem
that should be a blessing
at least that's what my parents would say
"maybe then you won't try to do it anymore"

well that's not how it works
I so desperately want it back that I'll do anything for it
it's brought on me boyfriends that I didn't care about
people I thought--
“you might work”
“you might be able to fix this”

the more people I let try the more I understand
So since b and c and d and e... couldn't do it
I know that it's not the person
and since b and d and g couldn't do it
it's not the attraction
and since c and e couldn't do
It- it's not the experience
And because that f and h couldn't do it
it's not the talent

Here's the thing though
I know the issue
I know what it is
I don't know why I can't let go of that issue,
but it doesn't work