In my head you assure me
Although often who I am is blurry
You see me entirely clearly
I dream of that conversation
Where you say I'm under much observation
You recognize my devastation
And lack of adaptation
To a world that wasn't built for me
But in reality
You will never see my pain
Understand the future I tear myself apart to attain
How through it all, I want you to care
I resent you so much but regardless I still stare
Catching myself yearning for your eyes
Eyes that look past me
To more worthy things I cannot see

I'm attending a funeral
I see a grave but only the hole
I know bugs are crawling all over my soul
But I feel so ashamed, what to do?
I simply do not know
Corrupted by everything
Chasing meaning in the form of "goals"
Yearning to get out of my comfort zone
To be known
But nothing works so I'm trapped in fantasy
I need someone else to do the work for me
As its too much to even be alive
Telling myself lies constantly
To cut off my desire for death
So I don't go too early
The grave is for me, you see
And everyday I try to flee
But it's in front of me
And it threatens to pull me in
Snaking smoky arms out with a grin
To die a sinner
To live in scorn
To try to love
But fail and be love lorn
Lost in daydreams
Past memories
Wasting my time
In the grime of my world

In need of space i'm in a slump
Cleaning up the garbage, quenching the fire of the dump
I smear delicacy on a skin too familiar to coarse, salty tears
And tell the mirror to go to sleep, that rest will soothe its fears
I don't care to question if it deserves love
The answer lies in the future, determined up above
I fight for a future that continues to move
That shakes the red in an unstable groove
If I stumble all won't break
I dance atop the tightrope of fate
As I have seen the abyss, it knows me well
All too familiar is that alluring smell
I've grown to know better perfumes
I chase better things rather than the drama of threat or self sabotaging doom

My heart aches for change
But in my web of dullness im stuck just the same
I look for someone else to occupy the space of me
Ignoring my own responsibility
In favor of forgetfulness, self pity
I need to take a walk
Because the fresh air talks
It whistles "i love you"
As it caresses my cheeks
Making me cold but making me feel
I try to stimulate gratitude
It's all artificial like the self I refuse to give latitude
Fake is better when it's more real
Than the emptiness of everything I feel
I don't think i've been human for years
Maybe I was cursed from the moment I was reared
By parents who wanted their eldest to have company
Of someone who was funny
I was an accident who's hardly happy
But is not life made of disrupted repetitions
Are all characters bound to tradition
Of fickle meanings I think not
In the end of my nonsense I hope my words continue to talk

I hope you know, hidden in my formal banter
Is a love letter begging to be answered
But you don't know how your laughter affects me so

I thought we were alike
I thought that I could try
To creep a little closer
But I need my distance because when I'm older
I'll feel better and far more sober
About the fact I was a lover of your sillouette

I don't understand your language
I only feel hatred leaping off the page
But your gaze is so gentle
Even though it's not meant for me
It's a drug that could put an insomniac to sleep

I looked for you when it was weeks
Would trudge through the snowstorm,whiten my cheeks
I don't make you happy because you're free
To walk away at any time

So I guess I waste my breath
Nostalgic 'cause theres nothing left
For me to give you but this weight is hefty
I'd bear it all for you just like I always have

Amalgamation of missed information
I have to resist the temptation
To rename myself a "bad result of experimentation"
Is to love someone to control their mood?
To turn them upside down when you're feeling rude
I tried for weeks to be astute
But in just one minute you made it all a fluke
Can I get better please?
Heal from this illness, cure my disease
Due to my hysteria I would take any pill
To not let you affect me, get back my free will
Its painful to be alone
But I feel better when im not owned
Branded to be a slave to your polarity
Leaving my creativity
And all I love to your bad proclivities

I was in court talking with a lawyer who was analyzing my case
Sitting in the witness box, in my lap my hands were laid
I stood up after his reassurance
And proclaimed "your honor, theres been a mistake"
The judge said no mistake was made
Didnt I remember how the opening played out?
With no memory made
I stood in front of the audience
Without the truth, not even a promise
And to be honest, I woke up from the dream shivering

I crave for a lot
Is it so wrong for a boy to lust
For the loud
An escape
A scary change of pace
To run from the dull
The drab
The nonspontaneous stuff
The blah and blab
But I need satiation
To accept the realization
You lit up with yellow
While I exist in dark blue
My blood may turn red
But is that its true hue?
The times may change
But my being remains the same
I refuse to be mischaracterized
As a damsel in chains
Waiting for a saviour
It would be more natural to burst into flame
My words are my armour
I will die with my sword
A poet and a knight
As ritually
To myself I have sworn

Theres a hole in my head
The numbing agent fills it up with you
It reminds me of my dreams again and makes me feel blue
And my eyes are now puffy like a ******* balloon
And my week of good progress has been ruined
I miss you terribly
Is what my father always said to me
I never understood it until you were standing there in front of me
Because now I know the pain of missing something I never had
So dont you dare say another word and make me feel bad
For thinking you and I were similar and swelling my deflated heart up to be glad
Nothing can fix me
Not even you who fooled me
Into thinking that fig tree ever held a chance
For telling me its safe to sit down while you sawed off the branch
And I hate that I said im sorry
You thought it was just funny
That I was concerned
That I could be aware someone else was hurt
Dont go smiling at me because i wont realize its pity
Im far too naive
So ends this one reprieve

Im coming down and the headache is infectious
I have to think just way too much and im restless
Maybe fresh air would help but im depressed
And it took too much energy to eat avocado toast

I hate to say I miss someone cuz Im alone and thats not true
I miss me, i miss that he before middle school
Maybe if I knew what I knew now I would be better
Maybe if we moved to colorado id wear a different sweater

No matter what, im stuck in cycles and habits
Need to deal with myself and not just say that im just tragic
Thank you to everyone for loving me even those i cant have it

Shut up
I know you like the phrase
In your impractical brigades and diatribes
I see it in your face that I'm not someone you like
Shut up
I must say
To my thoughts when im trying to sway
To dance you out of the bay of my sorry mind
Shut up
I must remember
Because ever since september
I havent been the same, have been quite too tender
Shut up
Is my punishment, my own cure to the pain I cannot pour into one cup
The oil I grease upon my arms so I can wriggle out, get unstuck
Shut up
Is what I wish I could say to you
To get you out of my head
To end this stupid blue

Snapping out of it
Feels so tragic
Leaving the comfort that was for my eyes only magic
Im sorry sorrowful me
Left you to escape reality
But now im back and im working on being cheerfully
Me without having to sink into darkness or escape into fantasy
Yes I miss it a little bit
Thinking I was wanted or some corny love *******
But yes I am however I have to accept it
Im flawed but I deserve to be loved
And it doesnt mean im less than for simply livin

Everything hurts more
When you think you're nothing, not on the level of being a bore
I truthfully apologize to everyone i've ever met
Because my existence feels like nothing but a crime
My demise is slow
A cool fire burns me alive in my ill inferno
But on the outside oh!
What a show!
Is the smart boy still comedic when hes sharing his woes
Prose could not convey my stupid heart
It cannot trace the dark of my soul and dare call it art

I hear every word
What you never say and what you think is left unheard
A parallel emerges
My convoluted mind and your organized mess seem to intertwine
The thought haunts me that you fail to address
Everything I built to be stable you put to the test
You chain me with the words I dont say
When I try to communicate in a way I thought you would understand
But you whisper my truth away
Leaving me to speculate while I depart with no trace
In your head
But the same face I yearn to see when I wake up in the morning
With a sore neck in my bed

You answered me honestly
It caught me off guard
The starting gun for logical fallacies and demented poetry
From an awful head looking for an escape
A break from the drama
Someone to fix me
Not to puncture my self esteem like a grape
So when you said you felt awful i felt a breath
Of similarity but not clarity
Just fantasy in a room full of mirrors
Romanticized with white lights
But the air is filled with smoke and my tears
This is not a maze but a trial by fire
Threatening to rip me limb from limb
In pursuit of happiness but from a place not merely dim
But you'll never understand it all
I took quite care to make sure you never saw my pitfalls
The veins in the eyes that fluorescently lit up
And the laugh that really was the sound of destruction
Pain
So dont tell me you need me to put less space
Between you and my ailing hidden brain
Because you dont want to see the truth im trying to erase