Anorexia was the most attentive
Girlfriend anyone could ask for
And I fell hard for her
I fell for for 500 calories a day,
The sense of control it gave me
Compliments from girls I'd never talked to before
Doctors so pleased that I was finally "healthy"
That feeling,
Of stepping on the scale
And realizing that I took up less space
Than when I'd stepped on the day before
The feeling of water hitting an empty stomach
The hunger pangs
That secretly thrilled me
The thrill of the lies
The ones that became ever so easy
To slip off my tongue
The thrill of a secret love affair with death
I fell for an abuser
I fell...
Literally
Bruises lined my body
From bumping into walls
Because my body was so
Malnourished I couldn't
Walk down a hallway
Fell down a rabbit hole-
Fell down into a world I couldn't escape-
Thigh gaps, thinspiration, tips and tricks to
Hide this wonderland in your head
Walking headfirst into Anorexia was like walking
Into a haunted house
It's fun and exhilarating at first
It's a game, it's harmless
And then you realize that the doors
Are barred and it dawns on you
That ringing the doorbell of death
Was not the best idea
I am a study in skinny does not make you happy
The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
Turns to 10
Turns to 20
Turns to...
I am a study in
Every inch of your body being a warzone
Of standing in front of a mirror
Seeing nothing but a piece of meat
Taking up too much space
I am a study in calculation
I am a study in lying
I am a study in not dead, but not alive
I am a study in starvation
I am a study in falling out of love

The day you left me was the day the world flipped upside down
It was the day we hit absolute zero,
The day there were no wars, no conflict, no death
The day you left me
Was the day everything I thought was impossible happened
You were the nerd, the perfectionist
Always memorizing facts of the arcane
Leaching Wikipedia articles for all they had
Too busy with science to prioritize matters of the heart
And I was too busy dissecting muffins, picturing my bones as a perfect xylophone
Imagining myself shrinking and shrinking until I was as hallow as I felt
You wanted a science experiment so bad, too bad you never realized you were dating one
You’ll never know how much I loved you
There are archives, poems stashed away of our love
Snapshots that force me back to the days when you loved me too
When a writer falls in love with you, you can never die
You will live on in the words I wrote, spend years in a dusty box tucked in the attic
But you will never be gone
And I will never forget
And you’ll never know how much I miss you
Oh, God, I miss you
I wish I’d told you I loved you more
I wish I’d counted all your freckles
I wish I’d made the time spent with you count
You told me you still wanted to be friends
But how am I supposed to be friends with someone whose lips are still stamped on my brain?
How am I supposed to be friends with the person who I thought would be my beginning and end?
How am I supposed to get over you?
I miss you so much
But I also miss the feeling of hunger, I miss sneaking off to the bathroom to rid myself of guilt, I miss the sadness that was so strong I couldn’t tell where I ended and it began
I can’t hurt myself anymore
My hands are as red with guilt as yours are
I chose depression over you
Every time I canceled plans,
Every time I pushed you away,
Every time I hid inside myself
I made you a third wheel in your own relationship,
Took the hand of depression while you watched on
Forced you to see our inside jokes
Paraded my infidelity in front of you
I have other loves now
I am head over heels in love with the human brain
I’m not much for flirting
But talk to me about the self-fulfilling prophecies and cognitive dissonance and I will fill your mind from dawn till dusk
And I am in love with words
With flipping through the pages of a book and knowing there’s a story there
With the greeting of warm papers from the printer and the click of my keyboard as I fill up empty space with life
Would I be alive to enjoy these things if it wasn’t for you?
I don’t know
But I am not obligated to take your outstretched offer of friendship
If I have learned anything in recovery it’s that I need to put myself first
I don’t owe you any friendship just so you can feel better for breaking my heart
So If I can’t be your girlfriend and I can’t be your friend
I guess that makes me nothing at all

"Amour is the most intense kind of sweet fever,I can vouch that
When it's clandestine, the effect on victims is much more acute"

As the trembling example of that condition, she whispers in his ear,
Between adventurous  samba steps, every one watches agape.

"Don't you know merciless girl,that's what makes me go pale quickly
in your presence,this illness is mutually induced, that's for sure"

Standing on a mountain high
Looking
To the sky;
Waiting for your Love to come
And shine on me
Like the morning Sun...

Let me feel it
Feel your Love!

My Heart is pining
For your approach
Enter this being of mine
I give myself to you my Lord
Raise me into the sublime!

Let me feel it
FEEL your Love!

Shine your Love
On me
Let me free, let me go
To that Paradise
To that Paradise
In the nucleus of your glow.

My phone is in my pocket
Making such a racket
Ring, ring, RING!
Don't call me
I will call you!
Ring
Ring
Ring...

By Vi.

I found a door
With no lock, only needing
The gentlest push
And
It opened freely Wide.
I
Entered inside
Therein I encountered
The Truth
Of All things.
God!
It makes So much sense!
If only They knew!
I can' t go back
They
Solely
Have to find this door.

Nature can make one
Feel Gloomy and chilled,
But when you believe in her
And endure
She
Will
Wrap you up in Spring and Summer.

Children
Give us so much...
Let them be
Our teachers.

Spread out before me
Is an undulating sea
By it I walk
When I want to feel free
I stroll by the sea
There, I reflect on things
Mother earth she spins
Mankind through their days
With their ways.

Spread out above me
Is a vivid bleu sky
With cotten wool clouds
Passing me by
On the sand I lie
My senses embrace the day
While in the distance children play...
What a display!

It's nature's medication for my ailing soul
To walk on the beach on my own
I wonder too, if God notices me
Take respite from life's frequent storms
And a world gone wrong.

Spread out before me is a universe so vast
Me on the shore with questions to ask
But i' m going to relax...
Feel the sea wash my feet
Touch the burning stand
Dwell a while in the serenity
Of God's land.