At night
I can hear my heart beat
Over the white noise
It’s a beckoning
An invitation

And it scares me

It reminds me
That I’m alive
But not truly living

Sometimes
When I wake up at night
I walk to the bathroom
And think
This is it
This is what life is
This is what it looks like

It’s the kind of recognition
That vibrates throughout my
Entire body
The darkness
The quiet
The incredible alone

I wonder why in these
Little moments
At night
This realization hits
With such force
Little moments when I have
No control
Nothing to say
Nothing to lose

I wonder why
It’s so hard for
That realization
To strike
When I’m awake
Aware
And have a voice to share

I drown at night
To the sound of my own
Beating heart
And the expansiveness
Of my tiny existence
Afraid
That I’ll miss my chance
To feel this life
While I’m alive

I’m going to say it out loud
I’m going to speak the words
That will
Smear this
Illusion
And ****** me
Into
Inescapable
Suffering

I’m going to make you
Speak it out loud
Tell me
That it’s not love you feel
And I’m going to have to walk away

I’m going to say it out loud
I’m going to speak the words
So that I can
Save myself
From the torment
of wondering
Night
After
Night
Whether or not
With you
I am alone

“I signed the papers”
You said
And the next day
I finally
Missed you

Funny how that works

There is a line
Dividing myself from myself
I am two tormented bodies
Merged intricately into one skin

Trouble is looming

They want out and I am trying to mediate The conflict
They are tired and insecure
They want themself to themselves

And I want it all

I can see the marks on my skin
The stretching and the pulling
And the tearing apart
It cracks and flakes
And I watch me lose my faith
Fragment by fragment

There is a line
It can be felt but not seen
It is hard and bold
And obscured by fantasy

There is a line
That awaits
The tug of acceptance
Once the collision
At long last
Materializes
Into
Something real

I’ve been here
All night
I’ve been here
All day
The music screams
And the lovers around me
Smile
But I
I am alone
Moving my energy
Toward
Eliminating
The contempt that you poured
Into me

I’m going to backtrack
Again
Smile
Try to say the right words
So you won’t leave
Although I know
In the deepest part of
My heart
That it’s me
Who should be leaving

Why I can’t
Or won’t
Is still a shadowy question
I haven’t found
Courage
To answer

How I reduce myself
For your approval
How my self worth
Has been tangled up in
You
How I let go
Of a me
I thought I knew so well

I suppose it’s because
Without you
I’d be sitting here
Alone
All the lovers around me
Without hope

And hope
I now see
Is how I keep myself
From drowning

She works
She waits
She whines
Waiting for her life
To begin

She whispers
To herself
Wishing that the words
her heart
speaks
Would utter themselves aloud
Without wound

She climbs deeper inside of herself
Turning her heart inside out
Hoping to find
the answer
willing others to see her
Truth
And set her free

She treads
uneasily
Desperately
Seeking equally for the rawness
of the unknown
And the warmth of
What presents itself
Here and now

In a frozen state
She works
She waits
She whines
Waiting for her life
to begin

Was I numb then
Or is that what it felt like
To be alive

Is this daily routine
What my life is all about
Or was that instant
The true reveal

Was it a moment in time
A glimpse of an ideal
Or was it the truth
I've been seeking
All along

I expected pain and sadness
But I got peace
I spoke my truth
And it hurt everyone but myself

For no relevant reason
The man with the beautiful eyes whispered
It's an illusion
As we ate our cashews side by side

I wonder about that exchange
About illusion
A false sense of reality
A misunderstanding
A lie

How do I know
What truth is
If I can't trust myself

Was it a moment in time
A glimpse of an ideal
Or was it the truth I was seeking

I wrestle with those ice blue eyes
That spoke without hesitation
I have to wonder
Which illusion
I will ultimately choose
to believe