Why do I ache
For what crumbles

Why do I ache
For the
Rough
Touch
Of cement
Disintegrating beneath
Itself

It’s the story I long for
History
Life lived
Heart broken
New layers
New life

Where is the beauty
In my own
Destruction
Where is the
Rebuilding
The splash of color
Where is the
Texture
That brings me back
To myself
To life

Is it in your eyes
In your silence
Or is it in
The stirrings
And the rumbles
Of my gut
As I lie there
Breathing

I long for the
Movement
Of color and texture
Of aliveness
And a new coating
Against
The decaying
Walls of the
Me
I left behind

It was the burden
I couldn’t love

You held it
And I held you

It wasn’t your core
that I finally rejected
It was your
choice
not to let it go

To let me
drown in it’s weight

You aren't here
You keep saying

As if I had a choice

You let me carry
The universe  
and viewed me with disgust
when I
forced the whisper
‘enough’

And then
let it all collapse

The shaming of the world
rasps
in my ear
and fingers wag
with
disapproval

You didn’t care enough
You let it drop
You were supposed to
crush
your
self
trying

Like any good woman
Would

Failure
Failure
Failure
You want me
to believe
Monster
Monster
Monster

And I repeat it
to myself
At the same time that I
lick the wounds
and inch my way
forward

It’s a withered self
that lives with me now
And all the weight
that’s left
is my own

But
I was always
strong
enough
to carry
that

Even as the words
Tumbled out
I knew I was lost
As if thoughts
Transformed into
Language
Transport me
Instantly
Into
The last forest
Of my childhood

I am on the brink
Waiting to crumble
Waiting for
The right spirit

To catch me

When I
Collapse

You were the first to know
A stranger
I slit open my throat
Shared my voice
And laid it
In front of you
A brick
Whose weight only I had ever known
Until those days

The beauty in you
Kim
Is that you didn’t care
About me
More than
I needed you too

You smiled at me
Laughed with me
Wandered with me
And asked me questions
That I was too
Afraid
To ask
Myself

In you
I discovered the sound
Of my beating heart
Through words
That had long been
Silenced
But never
Forgotten
Only hidden
In the
Folds of my
Loneliness

You okayed me
And let me be true
With a
Soft
Force
That none before you
Had been able
To prove

The beauty in you
Kim
Is that you let me
Be
Human
So I could
Listen to
A me
That wasn’t previously
permitted
To exist

But we sat there also
Didn’t we?
After that first year
In the desert
The worst of my life
The tears could only be softened
By the kernels
That had been touch by
Sun wrinkled
And desperate
Hands

I breathed then
Just for a moment
And waited for the
Next journey
One that would
Ultimately deliver
A darkness
And suffocation
I never could have
Anticipated

We sat in silence
We enjoyed the moments
Of peace

Had you begun to unravel
There
Had I not yet seen your
Fragile heart
Or did I still believe
That I could save you
From yourself
Even then

In this place now
I no longer own the fear
Of your collapse  
As I did
Those 3 years ago
But now
I sit in terror
Alone
And afraid of my own

We twisted our necks
Our bodies
We breathed
Together
Alone
In the dampness
Of that space  

I told you then
What had never been said
Before
I told you
That
for once
Each moment
Each encounter
Each step
Seemed to be
Exactly what it was meant
To be

I told you
In this way
I felt
The messages
Of the
Universe

“Maybe”
You said
“It’s because you are
finally beginning
to ask
the
right
questions”

The universe is tearing through you
He said with stern eyes
Locked with mine
The universe is tearing through you
And I leaned forward
Wondering if it was anger or love that
Radiated from him

The universe has power
Power
Is tearing through me

Why do I feel so weak
If the universe exists
Within me
Clawing
It’s way to light

The universe is tearing through me
And I can’t grab on
Moving
Moving
Moving
I think about these words and I wonder
What is it that he could see
That eludes itself
From me