Studiously learning what’s in the Mazatlán,
They caught each other’s eye as she sat in a corner booth,
The gleam he saw aglow there, he began to dwell upon,
The radiance of her countenance was akin to light and truth

He joked and mugged and walked a wire,
She gestured, and, the flames grew higher,
She told him of her man betrothed,
He shuddered but appeared unmoved.

But growing way down, deep inside him,
There welled a thirst, so powerfully pure,
He tried to bury it, to push it down,
But drawing him, pulling him, her enticing allure,

They stood calf-deep near Ontario’s shore
The moon smiled down and charged their glow
She’d lower her eyes and his heart would soar
That moon knew things that she didn’t know

For he whispered to the moon his heart’s desire
That this fair maiden would one day be his,
And the mother of the fates was summoned by wire
And soon, on the island, it was sealed with a kiss!

And she changed her destiny and his heart leapt for joy!
She could not have known how happy she made him;
There were fireworks and magic for that unseasoned boy
He was glad his thirsty thoughts had betrayed him

Fast forward five years, to a kneeler on the altar
A bond was forged there - which never will falter
And darling new creatures now fill their book
And he is even more smitten than at that first look

Jungle, bent to my purpose
     Adventure? Delight?
The Garden of Eden
     No pass time or plight

No wants or inclinations?
     All hungers fulfilled...?
No lingering longings,
     Save those that I've killed.

Such sweet satiation,
     No more for my plate,
Had more than my fill,
     And the hour grows late

Deep darkest leaf shades
     Letting little light through
Make a mood of Gethsemene
     Moving pictures of you

Come back to me
     From that vague memory
Those hazy retreats
     With singing and sweets

The word in my hand
     From memory, bland

I can't imbibe so much as a word

Oh pleasantry
     Come back to me
Plunge me deep beneath the river
Fond behemoth, make me shiver!

Hold me down... Hold me under
     Hark! The curtain torn asunder!

But the darkness is spread
     I lie in my bed

I can't imbibe so much as a word

I've children who yearn
     To learn and to learn
But what have I here?
     Doubt and great fear

What will this burning fire do?
     Should I try to paint it true?
Will it burn them, burn them up?
     If they choose to drink this cup?

[]    []    []    []    []    []    []    []    []    []




Fait­h is believing without seeing

So how does one have “more faith”?

How exactly does one believe?

Belief is...the elusive wraith...



Do I say in my mind, “I believe, I believe!”,

And eventually find that it’s true?

Or does it require clear-cut demonstrations?

And if so, what evidence will do?



Some faith is required when the teacher explains

Four divided by two equals two

But then in the classroom of any good teacher

This assertion is proved to be true



But what of the esoteric abstract assertions

The proclamations about the unseen

(The help that is given by clergy or guru)

Are they true, or designed to just grease the machine?



How does one do it? How do they have

A “personal relationship” with a dead man?

Or a living GOD who lives on the throne,

But chooses stone silence as part of his plan?



Or is GOD there, screaming His head off at me?

While I am just too dense to hear?

Oh why is there so much trouble receiving

The message from One who created the ear?



I want to, I want to, I want to believe,

And someday I’ll find it’s all true

Meantime, I’m sitting here, heart on my sleeve,

Blurting my hurt… *and so blue

====~~€>

He's almost burned out,

The pathetic lout...

He's probably shortened his life

By years

But hold on

Sit tight

For through this dark night

Smoldering inside

In depths nigh unreachable

There’s a little leftover orange that glows

When the bellows blows

I trip through each
                                  hair trigger trap

As I
        hurl
                my weakened will

Crawling from pleasure
                                           to pleasure
                        
                     Unable to set a course
                ...with mere intention

My corrections only
          change my heading
                      by fractions of degrees

~ need intervening  intervention

A blessing on you
I place with my heart
A covering
A blanket,
First an invocation to start:

May the One who is cause,
  who is start, who is first,
    feed you, your soul,
      and quench every thirst

May the God of all raise you by the scruff of your neck
And shake you and form you and snap you right back
To the place that you were when you went to the water
To the pond with our father,
-or when you learned from his daughter

I pray for you often, though I've been out of that habit,
I am trying to find it and if I spot it I'll grab it
But until I learn soul
And until I am wise
I will promise I'll look
At you with fair eyes

Please know little brother
I love you no matter,
And want you to sit with me up the rope ladder
I've never had words for you that you could follow
We've had joys and sorrow, some times hard to swallow
But no matter what I want you around,
And you and I both shall be wrapped in the Sound

To
One who is...

Someday
When I grow young
Sitting at your feet

And

I will
Forever after
Feel like I'm complete

Then

You will
With joy and laughter
Gather all the souls

And

We will
Completely understand
For whom the bell tolls

...


Hang on

Just until this evening

Stay strong

It's not as bad as it seems

        And if you
Focus on the distance
Well, it seems so far away
        But if you
Lower your gaze,
See just the next steps,
You'll make it there someday
        You've got to...


Hang on

Here's where it gets rocky

So hum a song

Don't think about the climb

        'Cause when you
Think about the goal
It seems more
Daunting than it should
        And it's not
Like you haven't
Trained for this,
You've done all that you could
         So just...


Hang on

For just a little longer, just

Hold tight

To those that you can trust

        For we can't
Shoulder every
Burden that we
Come across alone
        It's not like
Anyone can swim
Without first
Sinking like a stone
        So when you're
Drowning in the
Daily sludge, don't
Keep it all inside
        Can't be that
Stubborn man you
Always were, so
**** your stubborn pride
 
        Just reach out...
                Grab the rope...
               
        And *hang on.

Everybody you encounter
Is fighting a battle
That you know nothing of...
That red-faced guy who's always yelling
Is probably on the verge of tears
The anger is a facade, put up as a defense against the world
And its crushing weight

Mike was that guy
He was old school
A stodgy codger
Life dealt him a tough hand
He lost his son seven years ago
I went to the calling hours
So incredibly sad.

I think he gave up then
What was the point anymore?
Meaningless, meaningless.
Since then his work ethic declined
Understandable.
I think he gave up seven years ago
I wonder, would I do the same in his shoes?

An ******* to some,
Belligerent to many,
His struggle was heavy and real
Last week he chose Hamlet's second alternative
He chose not to be.
My heart grieves for his wife, remaining son, daughter, and mother.
I pray God will rest his soul

•


Enough, enough and so to sleep
Without a dream or answer deep
From the Cobbler’s castle keep
My longing makes a leap

Awaking with such laudable strains
Abounding audible in my brain
Meaningful morsels, muck and mane;
The not knowing is such pain


Are all these songs that I get in the middle of the night coming from you?
Your subtlety sometimes is like a blinding light. What’s a boy to do?

Messages that the songs convey
Will sometimes drain my doubt away
But then again the very next day
“It’s artifice”, I’ll say

When will my longing cease?
Have I spent enough time on my knees?
Do I have demons to release
To hear the holy breeze?
...
If feelings weren’t just chemicals
Arriving in their ports of call
If they were tangible at all
I might avoid this fall

--
Reach out and touch the space
Right here, behind my face

I’m opening the door
But it don’t work no more

I am a
  mess of nerves…
Exposed and weathered at the curves

But the one who’s blessed
  ...is the one who serves
So here…have some hors d’oeurvres

--
I ask that you would calm me down
Gently bring me back around
To a place I once had found
Quiet, holy ground

This rhyme scheme is strained at best
And draws attention to my jest
So please just hollow out my chest
And give me holy rest


Are all these songs that I get in the middle of the night
Coming from You?
The way you leave it all so hazy just ain’t right
…Is that you comin’ through?

All of these feelings
Are too much for me to bear

What do I teach them
When my own true faith is fear

Will it be real for them
If it isn’t so for me

What do I teach them
For their souls to be set free?


    The beginning of wisdom
     Is
    The fear of the Lord
    Is
    The beginning of wisdom
    Is
    The fear of the Lord
     is...

Search through your bookshelves
For the bits that make it clear

Pity the poor boy
He doesn’t have the faith to hear

Grant me your wisdom
He is shouting at the dawn

Are you still with me?
How could I have gone so wrong?

~•~

I’m done with wishing
Done with the guilt in which I drown

I am contortion
Trying to keep my breakfast down

If you can hear me
Then let me gaze upon your face

Or let my angels
Escape the tragic fall from grace


     The beginning of wisdom?


Grace is not due me
That quality you give unearned

Is what confused me
In fits and starts the torrents churned

The less I notice
The more I feel I’ll make it through

Age is not wisdom
As I went on the less I knew

The old dog shudders for a moment
Then completes his drawn out breath
Then the shudder returns again
Soon he will meet his death

It grieves me so that I cannot fix you
So much tragedy has clung to us of late
But you won't imbibe hardly a bite
And it doesn't bode well for your fate

I know that time will take us all
But I'm not ready to let you go
Here want a steak? Want this ball?
Why do you lie there breathing slow?

Get up old man and gnaw this bone
You can have whatever you desire
One more walk and one more bath
One more lie-down by the fire

You were so loyal lonesome friend
So soft and kind and warm and true
And I do not like to face the end
Especially this, the end of you

Head is too filled
    And slower to think
Shoulders are hunched
    As we’re nearer the brink
Knees shooting pain
    Start knocking in fear
Toes curl and hammer
    As ending draws near

Intoxicated laughter, sober rage
Both are made within this cage
Silent prayer and crippling fear
Are ever present when you're near
The end of this short time with breath
Mysterious, this launch toward death

     The LORD will ******
     Every
     One

     It seems to be
     How He
     Has fun

So, now I am completely clean,
And see the way these thoughts careen?

Let's cling to hope
That God has planned
An amazing banquet
A rockin' band

A natural high
So real so true
In our new bodies
You, you, and you

ALL are invited
And ALL will arrive
LOVE will win
You needn't strive

Just open up
Your weary eyes
And know that here
Around you lies

A magic love
Hidden from view
It's waiting patiently
Waiting for you

'Delights in fulfilling
Every prayer detected
*But never in the way
That you expected

Pain in chest
Pounds and with
Each inhale
Stabs of lightening
Like I swallowed a taser

One glance skyward
And then I shift my position

Death might not be all that bad
Just the sharp pains leading up to it

All of these feelings
Are too much for me to bear
What do I teach them
When my own true faith is fear
Will it be real for them
If it isn’t so for me
What do I teach them
For their souls to be set free?

The beginning of wisdom
Is the fear of the Lord
The fear of the Lord
Is the beginning of wisdom

    The beginning of wisdom
    Is the fear of the Lord
    The fear of the Lord
    Is the beginning of wisdom

Search through your bookshelves
For the bits that make it clear
Pity the poor boy
He doesn’t have the faith to hear
Grant me your wisdom
He is shouting at the dawn
Are you still with me?
How could I have gone so wrong?

I’m done with wishing
Done with the guilt in which I drown
I am contortion
Trying to keep my breakfast down
If you can hear me
Then let me gaze upon your face
Or let my angels
Escape the tragic fall from grace

    Fear and trembling
    Fear and trembling
    Work it out with
    Fear and trembling

Grace is not due me.
That quality you give unearned
Is what confused me
In fits and starts the torrents churned
The less I notice
The more I feel I’ll make it through
Age is not wisdom
As I went on the less I knew

Age is not wisdom
As I go on the less I know
All this blind fumbling
Where did my aspirations go?
Fire on the ceiling
Would be a start but I’d still doubt
How do I change me?
How do I cut the cancer out?

We're here, at "tomorrow",
Brother, my brother,
Oh sorrow, oh sorrow,
One orthodoxy for another...

When it comes to worry,
You need a reprieve,
And maybe, just maybe
A place to grieve?

Much like you
I didn’t know him
I didn’t show him
How I feel...

But to him, truth
Was absolute,
And his force of will
Was resolute.

The intercessor,
Heaven bless her,
Keep her, sweep her,
I am lesser.

Do I think there’s more?  
Well, just a smidgen…
Avoiding confrontation
THAT’S my religion

Not sure I can say it smooth
Prove true or false? It can't be done.
Inviting bridge or gun, forsooth,
And hence the proof becomes less fun

We need comfort, health, and grace,
We need to wake and clean our space,
We need healing, let's not delay,
A fresh reminder that we're okay

Death is approaching by year's end
My father is next in the family to go
And I, his eldest, with him to the end
Who should be his friend,
                               - am I really his foe?


I prayed once the reaper would take me instead,

Still being naive, and yet full of zeal,

In my dread at the news of another near dead,

I thought: if I was struck it would prove He is real...


Another thought now,
And this one less pure:
Why bother with treatment if
                 it
        is
               that
     sure?

I want you so badly it makes me cry
I’m lonely, I’m lost, and in need

     My son let me hold you,
        your tears to dry
     Here is some food, little one,
        now feed

I want you so bad, or I think that I do
But why can’t I hear you speak?

     You need to learn discipline
        and what's really true
     Have faith in things you can’t see,
        yet seek

I so want to hear you, right here in my ear,
But what would you say if I could hear?

     I’d say, “Be at peace”
        and, “Try not to fear”
     I’d tell you I love you,
        and that I am near.

But Lord, precious Lord, please forgive me for asking...
And Lord, my God, I don’t mean to doubt you,
But aren’t these responses just of my own crafting?

     Not a bit.  
   I exist within you and without you.

I exist,

      within you,

             and

                   without you.

Small thrush in the understory,
Speckled neck resembling the spray of notes,
Of your calliope song in all its glory,
Resplendent music, the art of throats

YOUR EARS hear every frequency,
Yet YOUR VOICE is imperceptible.

••



Over and over and over and over again
I will ask You to come and enter in

Why won't you reach out your hand?

--

I don't know if I can make it on my own
'Got people who love me but I still feel alone

Sometimes I just want to chuck it all...
But I don't
     And it's lonely
          for everyone

We've got to make it back home.

I am losing sight of the paths I knew
'Just got to tune-in my receiver to You

Must be some faulty transmission lines...
Oh what'll I do?
     Sit and stew?

I'm tellin' folks everywhere I roam:
     We gotta' make it back home.

Sometimes you will
Try the mask on
No fun, no thrill
Not a bit fun

Feeling foolish while
Shaking their hands
But ...you do it
Anyway, and

Soon…you start
           to feel the part…for real.
The zealot’s zeal, …the urge to kneel...

Show me which are truths and lies
Show me what’s behind those skies
Tell me what I need to know
Lead me where I ought to go

Just help me get to a place
…where this mask
becomes my face.

I’m
Playing this part
Desperate to find
Under the art
Between the lines

The man I am,
A fraction of you,
¿Fact or scam?
Confusion all through

Come back to me
     From that vague memory
Those hazy retreats
     With singing and sweets

The word in my hand
     From memory, bland

I can't imbibe so much as a word

Oh pleasantry
     Come back to me
Plunge me deep beneath the river
Fond behemoth, make me shiver!

Hold me down... Hold me under
     Hark! The curtain torn asunder

The darkness is spread
     I lie in my bed

I can't imbibe so much as a word

I've children who yearn
     To learn and to learn
But what have I here?
     Doubt and great fear

What will this fire do
     If I try to paint it true?
Will it burn them, burn them up
     If they choose to drink this cup
                                                     ?

The house is empty
Except for your ghost
Lumbering past
Legos and Lincoln Logs

Vacant expression
Weary eyes
Licking your lips you lie down

And the only weather
Which would soothe
Would be a rain
                        of frogs

Comes the fiddling fiend
Comes the lascivious lingerer
Steals away, the sneak, to the bend in the creek
And lies with A lovely light

From the beckoning field
Where the battles were waged, we trade,
Furs and beads will fill their needs
And keep the moon up tonight

And illumine well the fight

Human Chimneys

Through which pour

All the art and all the gore

Make up the roof of this place

The mystic bog of music and mace

Spice magma made of eurekas & filaments

Lightbulbs like butterflies the primary elements

The pressures from moments build up a good head

And up flies the lava through the living and dead…

By pure chance some catch it, latch-on to a wee bit

Of phoenix-hatchlings, which then briefly will sit

Upon chimney-headed free paupers of soul

So when one’s lips touched to that coal

Seraphim tongs, red-orange glow

From out of this mouth

New paintings

Did flow

Atavistic gills have I
For breathing in the void
For swimming up through space & sky
My organs thus employed

For since, in this world's atmosphere,
I have never drowned,
My dormant skill has reappeared
And up I soar, unbound

I just don't know what to make of it
Give it all to Him, you said
I think I need some time away
You both seem so different than in the old days

We're apart when we're together
The tensions grow and shrink,
N always wanting me to stay,
Yet spending our whole time on links

I don't know what to make of it
It's the isolation amidst the masses
The loneliness when we aren't alone
Pushing me toward the brink

How am I supposed to deal with it all?
Give it all to Him?

How is that done, exactly?

Fine.

HELLO THERE LORD, can you HEAR ME?
     <crickets>

WHAT AM I TO DO WITH THIS UNBEARABLE WEIGHT?

AND THE LUMP
IN MY THROAT?

...And the fear...
...And the hate...

It is hard
Here in this incredibly strange place
With no access to you
Save the memory of your face

Alive and awake here
In my own skin
The pain is too difficult
And so I fall again

But now taking inventory
Observing my own thoughts
And noting without judgment
The actions and the oughts

I'm tangled and impeded
In circumstance, it seems
Perhaps I'll learn to let go...

Please visit me in dreams

In Rochester, on East Avenue,
A greyish soul treks off to work,
Throws back the coffee handily,
Sleepily pays the sales clerk-

His gaze is now transfixed by a tree
Colorful and flowering
Wishes he could stay outside
Alas, the tasks are towering…

He checks and sets the openness
Of his eyes in his image in the glass,
So as not
     to make it seem
          he’s as gone
               as he is;
Stumbles past the guard, plops down on his ***,

Planted thus, in front of his monitor,
In a cubicle, first floor, across from the lab,
Curses his fate for landing him here,
In this windowless slogging, dark and drab.

Xanax is the devil
When mixed with too much drink
And so is escitalopram
That is what I think

    These things conspire to change your vibe
    And now it seems if you imbibe
    The smallest teensy tiny touch
    Of *****, it’s ...still a bit too much...

Seems my Dear has disappeared,
And swaying in her place
Another person, as I feared,
Without the charm; without the grace,

    I cannot stand my latest role:
    Authoritative scolding troll
    And I, not knowing what to do
    Retreat into a deep dark blue

Upside down
Wrong way round
That’s the way the world is

Makes me wonder
If our God
Is sorry he unfurled this

This is the time
This is the place
Wash off the grime
That covers your face
Step toward the goal
One step at a time
Each step takes its toll
Yet moves toward sublime

This is the day
As they say, as they say,
He has made, so be bold!
So be bold!

So hitch up your stockings
And follow the fold
Ignore all the mockings
And jeers from the throng
For you'll be with Jesus
Death comes 'ere long
And death is what frees us
Is that what He said?
Not really, re-read it...
(At least what's in red)

He spoke of the kingdom
Here on earth as in heaven
And how the yeast of religious ones
All pervasive like leaven

He never said focus on the end,
That wasn't the crux of his story,
Wait for heaven, wait for heaven,
Your time
Up in glory...
No.
The story
Doesn't go that way
So depart from the fray
Seize the day, seize THIS day
Be present and realize the kingdom is here,
The kingdom is now,
Get up and get clear
With some sweat on your brow
This is the day that the LORD has made
Carpe, carpe, carpe this diem
Forget heaven-plans that you made
And soon, I think you'll see Him