are you there now?
are you truly sleeping?
or was that just an excuse to sort through everything
when you changed my world
you cuased me to hold my breath
and never let go of it
its a warm humid breath
that chilled my lungs
you gripped my heart
and my heart is still constricted
you looked me dead in the eye
and asked me a question
and never answered back
in the clear cut way
i got a response
but now i'm just kinda gerrymandering
i don't think i need to breath yet though

The hobbling walk back
Killing yourself to be better
More ****** up parts
Than healthy ones
The happy girl in the park
Calling her dog back from the water
The mothers yelling at their kids
My ankle can't support my weight
My body can't handle this
The pressure
The pressure
Getting stronger to become slower
Stronger in body
Stronger in mind
Slower and slower
All for the sake of nothing
Body grows weak
Mind grows tired
Happiness was never anything more
Than a philosophers dream was it?
So as the park roars in its death
Bringing new life to a new land
I'll hobble by
Waiting for the dream to end

The self proclaimed writer

Jerking himself off to exhaustion daily

(Never touched, never connected)

To play roulette with his circadian rhythm

And turn an otherwise docile daytime delinquent

Into a nocturnal creature's fear

All to avoid the cliched train wreck of a family

The alcoholic mother

The never proud father

And the always beyond reach sister

Yes yes, feel the waking nightmare

This insomniac desperately craves sleep

As the titular picturesque life

sobriquet to family cat

Is slowly causing his dormant degeneracy

To blister and boil the brain

And he feels like he is losing his mind

In this otherwise ideal world

This grotesquely pictersque

Fevered upper class dream

Tossing and turning
The sheets are such a mess
Tossing and turning
The conversations from today
Tossing and turning
Even less hours to sleep than last night
Tossing and turning
Playing out everything
Tossing and turning
I'm flying blind
Tossing and turning
The planes going down
Tossing and turning
Through the air
Tossing and turning
Another dream
Tossing and turning
Wasn't I supposed to be awake
Tossing and turning
Tossing and turning
Tossing and turning

He grew up his entire life on a dot
a town that barely shows up on a map
of the entire county
he was a prisoner there
much like most teens
and found freedom in a car
where he drove around
and found the things that made him who he is
and he just can't understand
that you aren't even from around where he was from
yet you've been to every place he has
a shadow following years ahead or behind
never meeting until you both ended up in the city
never meeting until you stayed up late one night
never meeting until you saw each others eyes

It's only now
After a party
After making new friends
Looking at the wall of windows
The veiw being an industrial park
Eating stale ramen
The typical college experience
It's only now
After having to be the most normal
Do I have to grip the reality
That I'm not struggling with trying to be
The man I always wanted
But I'm struggling with the man
Who got everything his heart desired
Barring the obvious
Always barring the obvious

Yes yes let the crowd go
A festival to celebrate some heritage
Something I'm not really sure of
Spilt the audience
By twos and threes
The people walking by
Freer than a prisoner
Recently released
Oh don't ask
let us continue on
The music flows into the crowd
Swaying back and forth
A fake cover
Silences the crowd
In our drunken stupor
We look at the stars
And fall into each others arms
And only recognize our collect glazed vision

Green hates red

Because red never gets sick

At Christmas dinner

Red hates them all for nothing

But would be devastated if he lost any of them  

Purple things she is too good for them all

But has a soft spot for yellow

Yellow is always to busy playing with her plants

To pay any attention to orange  

Blue would love purple if he ever

learned to stop weeping and playing his music

Orange always feels like an

unwelcome guest even though he's the

life of the family  

White has a little bit of everybody in

her, which is why everybody goes to

her for advice

And black was the drunken father who

refused to believe that they were all

part of him

Our family get togethers

Why must the casual conversation lull
The words that have so often
To often
Been used to describe you fail me
You are sitting right next to me
For once it's just you and me
But the amazing wordsmith I am
I can't utter but a thing
A wholly significant nothing
Sole purpose to reaffirm that I'm there
Everything between us
The stars and the universe
Would be nothing if you'd just turn to me
And answer the questions on our mind

I think we can both sit down and say
This is good for us
This will make us better in the future
We will go through the tunnel of hardships
Alone
And come out the other side
And be together
I think we can both sit down and say that
But I've had enough conversations with God recently
Spent to many hours driving across the earth
I know how this story will end
I know when we see eachother again
Things will be different
You won't feel the same way
Or maybe we will get back to normal
But drift apart after a time
You, in your infinite kindness
Have a small spark of life in an otherwise dead heart
And God, in his infinite wisdom
Took this now Luke warm heart
And told me no
That I'm not allowed to be happy
You were the closest I ever got
And even though you say this isn't my fault
And that we will see eachother at the end of the tunnel
I know how things like this turn out for me
And I hate how I will put myself through months of this mental hell
Just for a shot to be happy

Pooling around the incessant wanderer
Too pensive to see the obvious truths
Water flows down the tired temple
The one he abused to meet his ends
A smattering of water on the tile floor
Cold white stones causing steam to come
To come block away the present
Past was a castle in the sky
And the future the unexplored caves
Dreams to those who live life like a coward
A king among Gods
Is an ant among men
When the mad king rebels
Too far gone to know the difference he makes

Monday is the go getter, and nobody respects him for that

Tuesday is always on the verge of a nervous breakdown because no one likes her

Wednesday looks up to everybody else, and holds them together

Thursday is the responsible one that makes sure everyone is fed

Friday is never home, and is always drunk with Saturday

Saturday just goes with Friday to make sure he's okay

And Sunday dresses in all black, and then all white, becuase she doesn't know who she is

Looking around the web
trying to find a way to publish
and I started to think of what name to use
and I remembered I gave you
The Blue Scarf
and I know I'm Blue Flask now
but ****, did that scarf mean something back in the day
and hopefully it wasn't all in vain
but yeah, I'm looking around to publish
thanks for everything folks
I wouldn't be looking if you are didn't read these words
so thank you all

smog ridden bile is thrown against the panes
sickly yellow lights illuminate the sinister outlines of innocent shapes
misanthropic ideals are whispered in the night
pull up your collar and continue on
squeeze my hand and follow me
breath the acrid air and feel your lungs scream
anything to follow me

the beach screams obscenities to the stars
and they stare in an apathetic silence
as we stumble along the beach
hand in hand for what always feels like the last first time
cough and moan your tears away
shake your fist to the heavens
and follow me

the car rides have become seemingly infinite
with silence roaring in the darkness
the intrepid darkness
dancing at the edges of the headlights
illuminating your coat
as you walk away
leaving me alone
with the feeling of your hand in mine

With the worms piled on the sidewalks
Like so many fetid bodies
Strewn like toys along the beach
These rainy days are becoming commonplace
In this new mythos
These pills are slowly taking hold
And the only time I feel sad
And the only time I feel alive
Is when the drinks are flowing down
My parchment throat
And here I am
Sad and alive
Writing away these words into the night
Hoping
Even though that died long ago
That someone can read these words
And say it'll be okay

im drunkj
i cant reaalys type well
i ******* thew up
all over the love of my lifes bathroom
i ******* hate her
i ******* hate living life like this
day to day
living on the glances you give me
i hate yiu so ******* much
i hate that you dressed up for tonight
i hate how im not good enough for you
i hate everything about you
oh god i need to make it up to you
i need you to know i hate and love you
i said it
i love you
becuase to me
you represent a way to being normal
i hate how you make me feel
i hate how im drunk
i hate how i onky drank to confess to you
but then i threw up
and now im sire everyone will hate me
im not sure if ill fix the spelling mistakes in this
*******
i need to sleep
i need to breath
i need water
i love you
i hate you
its always a sip away

I'm an entitled oxford-esque *******
I'm white, wealthy, and have a family
Who made money by running businesses
And I can't forgive myself
For being born into this
But this isn't about white guilt
This is about the way
The parents and family
Of this entitled pseudo-intellectual
And how the mom gets angry
At the dad for not giving her enough money
To buy a drink in a gas station
Because although no one says it
She'll take any extra money and use it
For her gambling addiction
And how the mother gets angry
At the daughter for spending to much
(How can one not choke on the irony?)
And not being responsible
And how the father
Doesn't know what to do
As he sold the business
And just wants to make money
And his daughter is bringing home
A boyfriend who they all hate
Merry ******* Christmas

How many times
Can I drown myself in you
Every time I see you know
You are happy
I think back on all those moments we shared
Wernt you happy then too?
How many times
Can I drown myself in you
God you were beautiful
And you were mine
We could spend hours doing nothing
No words
Just the feeling of our heart beats
How many times
Can I drown myself in you
I just want to get over you
So ******* badly
But **** did you leave a hole in my heart
That aches past midnight
On days like today
The day's the pills were a bit to late

Morning breaks on the intrepid mourners
A constant flux between nothing
And the dark cocoon days
Wrapped in thick weave blankets
Hoping you'll come out different this time
They want to start you in on meds
You don't know how that will change you
You can't really remember the last time you knew something
For sure
In and out of different minds
A depersonalization of the body
Mind and body aren't the same
And alcohol fuels the disconnect
Showing that we are more than our bodies
We are the dust in the air
The remains of gods who killed themselves
I woke up from the dreams into a nightmare?
I don't think I ever really woke up at all
Alarm has been screaming for a while
I'm back
I whispered into the air
And I don't know for how long
And I know it won't last forever
And I can feel myself slip
But for now I am here

Melancholic thoughts in a hazy storm
Somewhere between
Knowing who you are
And what you want to do
Bleary dreams fill the night
Of times you never knew
Stories flutter in and out
Like the seagulls you used to see daily
***** and a flabby grey
Cawing at you when you try and rest
Translucent plans made to be opaque
Fill the speech around me
Lies upon lies
Houses of magnitude built upon
A crumbling foundation of dormancy
Acrid breaths flow as the night wears on
Until the shrill cry of the work clock
Wakes you from dreams
You would rather go back to
Then go back to being a gear
Mountain man as much as you can
Grizzled and survivable
But tame in patterns and behavior
Shame filled nights
Spent filling the liver full of death
And the lungs full of heaven
For you are not what you are
And you never can be
What you want to be
For you are weak in all the wrong ways

abiding the time I never had
Waiting for the tides to turn
In a war where I stopped fighting
In a place I stopped caring
High above the city
The weary vagabond sleeps
Waiting for his time to come
Day by day
Season by season
This wasn't the life he asked for
Wandering these halls instead
The worlds behind closed doors
We're supposed to be the concrete illusions
That he desperately needed
But the windows to the world
The real one this time
Are the only thing that he travels to

Misanthropic identities long past
Gravestones resting high in the sky
Size of the grace given to them
Is the same as the value of the lives thrown away
Past and future hopefuls
Able to dream and be free
Locked away in the middle of the night
These people whisper about their misanthropic ideals
And the walls will listen
As no one else dares to disturb the silence
Brought on by a mad man sobbing

when drunken dreams
become indistinguishable
from the sober reality
When the world is spinning
even when your mind is clean
when every cry of
I love you
just rings in your ears
barely even a whisper of a memory
When your thoughts turn dust to ash
and ash to dust
thats where you will be

The sun will rise across this frozen plane again. This field, that was once elysian, now is still. It's almost a mirage, as it sometimes isn't there. When it is. It is. Undeniably there. A strong presence. Walking along the field, slipping and breathing. The cold makes me feel warmer. An adventure I say. One that I know will end.

if  there was a way to get back home
to get away to sleep
to move out of this room
self seclusion is just as real as forced
the only difference is you are the jail and the jailor
but I need to do well on this exam
it seems thats all I ever think about anymore
and these words aren't supposed to reflect that part of me
and for that I am sorry

Dreams of childhood dementia
Castrated from ones own mind
Self delusions of a grandeur time
When the flames are snuffed around you
You never do realize where that horrid disease lays
Apathy is the killer of death
And the givingness of life
It rules over all of time
But allows single iotas to roam free
When this familiar world crumbled
I wanted to be remembered for something
Other than my silent gaze
And my hollow words
I'm sorry I can't care more
I'm sorry I couldn't I couldn't care enough
Because now you are gone

Yes let's drive to the middle of the green
The algae infested lake
A sanctuary in a city
Yes let's look at the horizon and see nothing for once
Let us go then
Feel the sun kiss our cheeks
Let's hold each other tight
We both had cold hearts
Maybe we can salvage some respite from the heat
Let us go then
Into the water and into old age
We said we loved each other
We said a lot of things on the lake
We always say a lot of things on the lake

Let us go then
So many good times
I feel bad times
I think I'm feeling wrong
You are such a good friend
I'm moving out
And I'm worried about what will happen then
I'm not sure why you exactly spend so much time in my room
Everything is turning into that vague unknowingness
the one that drives me crazy
because nothing is ever definite
welcome to the haze
a heavy wet fog
drives me crazy
every time

Neon dreams swirl around you
As you lay in this warm water
A foggy mind
Well deserved after the day of pretending to work
Suits you well this evening
As you gripe and smile
And say you caused some things to happen
To some detestable people
So that the one you told this too
Will think that this is a bad person
Who is bad to other bad people
But in reality
He's nothing
And can't hurt others
Even himself

How many more times
Can you say I feel like such a new person
Before it starts to lost its meaning
(And never new in that way
But as in you don't recognize
Who you were before)
You can't always be better
Stagnation is the modern day consumption
Swirling interest
Alone in your own world
Different ideas of what you are
And what you will be
The mountain man alone
The New York socialite
The grunge club crawler
Chills make a home in you
Too many things to feel
Not enough time in the universe
To describe a chill we all get
Sickly delirium
From the roots
Of the plant and the word
**** and happiness
Plant and word
Too much of everything
Except for air in your lungs
And the feeling of contentment

Smoky air filled with acrid fruit
Persian landscapes were nothing but a dream
Metal pipes full of haze
Hookah bar is where we decided tonight
We jump around from place to place
Looking for anything that'll stick
Some reason to come back
Groups come and go
Filled with vaguely familiar ghost
Drunk on the adventure
Slowly dying out in the sun
When did the thirst to live
Become living to drink
When did the streets turn grey
When did our hearts grow cold
The blood is stagnating in this city
And I can feel the encroaching winter
I'm scared for this one
And wether or not we can make it

Why am I having a breakdown now
I really needed to sleep tonight
I keep on thinking that everyone here
are the nicest people I've ever met
that they actually care about me
un the same minute
i think these people treat me like a piece if ****
That they could care less what happens to me
That if i left they would cheer
**** its hard to right ]
im sobbing
i need help so bad
therapist appointments are to far apart
no help left for those like me
maybe they are being nice
pitying the ******* i am
maybe everyone sees threw me
all the ******* hair-brained schemes
all the lies and manipulations
they see threw it all don't they
they are mocking me behind my back
they are just pretending to care
i know they are
who would ever want to care for a monster
a waste of space
its only a matter of time before i fail out of this program
and dissapoint my parents like i always knew i would

Watch the bonfire drown to nothing
in the ink like solidity of the night
to much to care
to build it back up
lets go swimming
drink the waters problems away
its raining just a little bit
its not tears, i promise
swim into the false moons reflection
hold each other tight
as the new dawn is born
push each other away
and drown in the absence

Slump your shoulders
Listen to the professor’s drone on and on
Feel the eyes of her boring into the back of your head
Slump forward
Stop listening to the lecture on chemistry
Fight the urge to look behind you just to make sure she is doing anything
Lean back
Fight the urge to scream at the professor
Slowly put your head in your hands because you don’t know what else to do
Head hangs low
Give the appearance of listening
Sit back and try to breath and just don’t do anything odd or weird for the love of god

It's such a nice autumn day
It almost doesn't reekof decay
Such a warm October day
Ignoring the signs of the stagnant death surrounding you
The tress are so beautiful
They are turning earlier every year
It's such a thought to go outside and be free
Such a thought withering away like a leaf
It's the last warm sunny day of the year
For me, it's the last of the lifetime
This winter is going to be the grindstone this time
And wether I'll sharpen to a point
Or wither away  to grains
That will be the legacy I will inherit

We were barely starting our journey when it ended
Snuffed out, holding candles in the rain
Running from the rest of our lives
Anything to live and be free in the moment right?
Hand in hand, we ran so far away
Up and down the campus streets
Lined with rain?
Sure, but lined with life!
Alive with each other
the light behind each others eyes
Shouldn't have been compared to the streetlights
The concrete gods, angry at the pale skin pigs
who dared to defy their will
Slowly drained the light from your eyes
And no doubt you saw the same in me
And now that we meet in the moonlight
Our eyes only reflecting the earthen natural light
A pale imitation of what it used to be
We say goodbye for the final time
We cant pretend anymore
We can't try to be happy now
It's time to start living again
With no hands but or own

Self seclusion is my punishment
For self imposed crimes
Sitting on a balcony
At a table made for two
The only reason I came back
Was because I was convinced I saw you
Wether you are already gone
Or I couldn't recognize you
I'm not sure
All I know is that for one second
I felt like my journey was over
Maybe I'll see you here again
And if I do, I can only hope I grow the courage to talk to you
Maybe I'm pathetic for not having that come easily
I'd probably agree with you
But that doesn't change the fact
That I'm sick of having a bag across from me
I'm sick of feeling the way I do
But more than anything else?
I'm sorry I haven't found you

To find someone like me. And to grow old with them. Find each other in undergrad, become inseparable in medical school. Both get residences in New York, New York. Work 80 hour work weeks, and on that one day off, walk around the city at night, looking at the stars, whispering into each others ears that we found the one, that it's going to be alright now, we don't have to worry anymore.

Hey
I came home for a weekend
Took long enough right?
I just went into my bedroom
After spending the night with the family
Last time I slept here it was with you
Your hair was still in the sink
All the tell tail signs of our lazy day in bed
Just starting at me
And as I was cleaning it all up
It struck me why you texted me a few weeks ago
I know you probably don't read this anymore
But I think you are miserable enough now
And I'm sorry for everything
And that you couldn't sleep here one more time

I always wonder wether or not i'll be remembered for my funny one liners or my ****** *** attempts at everything else.
Every laugh just gives me another reason to go again
Every akward pause
where people arent quite sure if they are supposed to luagh
oh god why am i doing this to me
slow down
slow down
there will be time to think later

All my friends have left me now
Turned towards their own destinies
We all knew this was coming
We all gave our last goodbyes
No words ever capable of showing how we felt
We shook hands and made plans
Promising to stay in touch and meet up soon
We all know we won't
We all know life's about to take us
So as we walked away we remembered our time
The late nights at the fields
The nights matching under the lights
The hours spent talking
The years spent living
All to be replaced by newer days
I left before everyone else didn't I?
Those days exploring a city
Excitedly running around campus
Thinking we were in love
All with new people
Now that all my old friends are gone
I regret every moment I tried to replace them
I regret never telling them what they meant
But more than anything else
I regret turning my back on the person they knew I could be

Waking up in a stupor
Way past noon
Feeling like your body is dead
And your mind isn't far behind
This isn't a hangover from drinking
This is a hangover from living
Days getting longer
Nights getting shorter
Not just because of the Summer
My body moans and creaks
My mind hums with thoughts that were not supposed to be there
Another night gone
Wasted without being wasted
Loved while loving
Free while being caged
Breathing while drowning
And the best part?
I can't wait to do this all again

Our sobs went unanswered
As they lowered me into the dark

Hey
I know it hasn't been long since we talked
But Life has been speeding up a lot recently
or maybe its just going the same speed
either way
It was a lot easier with you
and I can't help but feel like I am making you unhappy
and sometimes late at night
I wish that this right now would just end
And I don't know what I mean
Us, the Break, or this Life
sometimes all three
and I am afraid
in the dead of night
that you are to good of a person
and that this break is your way of ending it
and I'll be sitting here in a few months
wondering why I went through all this ******* pain
when I knew how it would end right now

I am an empty wasteland
Studded with stained remnants of coffee cups
Papers are strewn about, telling stories about people
Who will never exist.
They seem so much more real than I have ever been
Musky clothes line the floor sending unseen spores deep
Into the lining of my lungs
I am one with where I am
Food and pills surround every speckle of surface
A myriad of tye dye colors
How much happiness can they fit inside a pill?
books and posters leave plastered imprints on the walls
Anything to show that this isn’t all there is
To a life that was never worth it to you

I am a bleeding liver
Half guzzled liquor
Spilled into cracked cups creates scummy films
Rainbow reflections of light from vertical screens
How’s that for a pride display?
In the rainbow of puddles
A failed education fills a shelf
Reading is so far beyond
Me
A fan buzzes in my ear
An angry bee that pounds thousand ***** to keep me cool

I am a furnace
That burns paper ideologies
Nothing here is permeant
Real is just a concept
Gallons of water to satiate an always parched throat
Diluted blood fills these veins
A slow death from oxygen deprivation
With no belt around the neck

I am a fetid corpse
That can still move
Still think
Still spew methane
Use a screen to reach out
Talk to a thousand other blank eyed, slack jawed clones
What does it mean, these words on a white background
Are you the reaper?
The coroner?
I’m breathing
I’m sweating
I’m *******
I’m not living
Air fills these two sacks
Red sewage is pumped into grey hands
A jolt down the spine
Is all I am
What am I?
I am a medicated pig
I am an artist failed dream
I am a cloud, high and falling constantly down
I am a camera, only able to record, but never interpret
I am
I am

Words on a screen

Hard to read

With my eyes straining

Christ it's late

Another night wasted

Browsing horror

Cheap laughs

And staving off

The cold fear

But a beep

A click

And words on a screen

I miss you

It's just when you think you've done it
just when you feel you are finally ready
to put down the sad books
the slow melodic songs
the darkness that won't go away
It's right when you find a beacon
and have been using it for a while
That when you get close to it
The beacon turns off
and you don't know how you lasted in the darkness
without that little bit of light
to guide you through

the lights are off
and the city is cold
the bottles are empty
and the people are distant

the comforts of home are a dream
I miss the smell of you
laying in my bed
the thought
of the lines that make up your face
slowly drifting away  

These words are flowing yet again
and this time I know I'm lost in the darkness
moving away from the lake
away from the only lighthouse I've known

No i understand
I know when I've been beat
Wiping my own ***** off you floor
You are holding my shoes because i forgot them there last night
I messed up
Ol fat kid cant quite handle the ***** as well as he thought
I'm not sure which is sadder
That i tried to clean it up last night and missed so much
Or that I desperately want you to forgive me

I have one thing I'd like to write
Something filled with such sweet words
A memorial to my one last ditch effort
That the old men would shake their heads and think
This really isn't something to talk about in good company
Something I wanted to say
Why does my right side always hurt when I'm high
Why does my right side hurt more now
My head is too heavy
And my eyelids feel the sand drawn to them

Self

The noose of ego hangs around my neck
Tied to a stone of despair
Thinking I can do something I can't
And the rock rolls off the wicked hills
Of drugs and liquor
weighing me down
Until the illicit substances take hold
And I can fly for a few hours
But when the sun is reflected into my window
And my alarm bleats out its melody
I wake up with the noose a bit tighter
And the rock a bit bigger
I know the story of Icarus
And I'm scared about what will happen
When the rock is to heavy