No i understand
I know when I've been beat
Wiping my own ***** off you floor
You are holding my shoes because i forgot them there last night
I messed up
Ol fat kid cant quite handle the ***** as well as he thought
I'm not sure which is sadder
That i tried to clean it up last night and missed so much
Or that I desperately want you to forgive me

Every **** time
every **** word
a matter of minutes
means the life or death of a party
give me a few
I'll just go get some air
these episodes are getting longer
it's been almost a whole day now
I exploded last night
oh god
notice that I always say that?
oh god
all the good thats done me
I'm a victim of circumstance
from the situations i created
Sub(par)consciously
I should probably talk to you
figure out the things that bother me
every interaction
flips me like a coin
i should really look you in the eye
see where the ridges lead me
I'm lost in a unfamiliar city
the only way out
I'm convinced you know

pop a hip and dance
As the path is layed for you
Feel the dark irony swirl
And spill your coveted secrets
In vague half-meanings
Talk about the unironic pills
And the unironic problems
And smoke your unironic drugs
And drink your unironic liquor
Watch the unironic ironic movies
And talk about it afterwards
I'm your unironic little circles
And smile
unironically
That you were nothing but original

Streets glowing in the dark mist
Raining for weeks
People say God himself is crying
Some great travesty of the human race
The streets are being filled with repentance
Thinking they are running out of time
They want to leave with a clear conscience
As the streets run afoul with paranoia striking deep  
The jokers laugh at the greatest joke of all
Leaving a live free of doubt

Rustling winds carry away the blue tide
As you stand on the beach of maturity
Facing the golden sun of happiness
You feel taller than the world
Yet still shorter than the moon
And you walk into the rapidly warming ocean
and look up through the water
and see the sun rapidly approaching
and the only thing stopping you from grabbing it
is yourself
because you are the power
you are the gatekeeper to all
and as the newly sprung life surges around you
you feel at peace
while you drown in the ocean of life

When I was younger
I had the idea that I wasn't supposed to be the main character
this was for a lot of reasons
the two biggest ones were that
I never really felt important enough to anyone to be a main character to them
and main characters usually had happy endings, something that as my life continues on seems to elude me
Sometimes I get the silly idea that this is my destiny
Holed up in the upper layers of a library
Furiously typing these words in order to avoid doing real work
Writing about how I'm not allowed to be happy
That every time I get close to to love or happiness
life gives me a giant *******
and I retreat to the only place where I matter
A lone room in the uppermost floor of a library
But that can't be the case?
I mean, everyones allowed to be happy at some point right?
I can't go through my whole life like this, can I?
I get something for these years of hell
please
please I just want this pain to go away
I don't want a lot out of life
I just want to be happy
Please God or whatever is listening to this
I'm sorry for everything I've done
I'm done with all of this
Please just let me live in peace
Let me be normal
I'll do anything you want me to
Just tell me what to do to be happy
Please
I can't keep going for much longer

I'm not sure if anyone in this city
maybe this is common in other cities too
when you put your hoody on late at night
feel the slightly biting summer midnight cold
walk through campus, mellowingly meandering
walk through the parking garage
run your skin along the rough concrete
break the musty depression
of the still air in the stiller garage
to enter the outer top floor
let the clouds settle and the moon to become free
in the distance, you can see the fig settle on the mountains
theres such a calming reassurance
in knowing that nature is always just a little jog away
even when surrounded by concrete
even when surrounded by unfamiliarity
you can always breath just a little bit of the sight in
and know that everything might just be okay in the morning

Around the room
the questions flow
a funny game
with a ***** undertone
we all tell our stories
and our experiences
I didn't have a lot to tell
but knowing that everyone has lived so much more
just reminds me what I could've been

these last couple of days have been hazy
putting in the hours is what I'd like to say
but I think I just needed to let go for awhile
a lot has changed recently
good and bad
not enough has changed it seems
that would make things to easy I suppose
I think I found the key to happiness
and because no one I know reads this
I can speak freely can't I?
Happiness is stoically denying happiness
so you can never feel sad
Joy is the missed opportunities in life
countered by the promised whispers of next time
Depression and ecstasy are two sides to the same coin
the tightening of the chest
the worry about when it will end
the cold feeling that freezes you into place
I'm not sure which is worse
If I have been happy this entire time
Or if I am depressed now

You'd think with it being the first weekend
Of our college career
That more people would stay
But oh well
At least I can try and get closer
To the few that did
But that's not how that works is it?
Because I'm a disgusting **** up
Wow
Haven't called myself that in a while
Hope that means it's not starting back up again
Even if it is, it'll give me something to do
Huh?
Right right, I had a movie night
And it went great
A few people
One
Couldn't make it and she's all I wanted but
Oh well
If she was im sure we would have played the game
I try and talk she listens for a while
Then tries to ignore me
One misplaced joke
One comment a bit off
And the night of mental fortitude is ruined
Why wouldn't it be
I think being a loser in high school ****** me up for life
And the movie was pretty good

**** i need a drink
i need to just forget everything that happened these last three weeks
i really thought we had something
i'll tell other people drunk out of my mind
but she was just too out of my league
she was too beautiful for her own good
and well, i'm me
i'll sit there and sway and slur about how unfair it all is
but the reality is
i'm just glad that know i can be ashamed of my drinking
instead of how i ****** up with you

the best part is that you didn't even do anything wrong
and either did i
no, we just drifted apart
i'll say after another drink
but we both know its because i'm ******* crazy
i'm weird and fat and depressed
and you are a beautiful girl
who i could never even hope
would feel the same way about me
because those things don't happen to me
because i'm me
so i'll drink away my liver
just anything to stop feeling this ******* pain in my heart
i didn't even like you
you just made me feel like maybe i could be normal
and i hate you for that
i hate you for not doing anything wrong

and i hate myself for ever blaming you

You don’t laugh at my jokes anymore
When you look me in the eye, you immediately look away
You might say nothing changed
Believe me, I’m asking you about that later
But something certainly has
And I’m okay with that
Just stop holding happiness in front of me
Only to pull it away whenever I am close

The arguments sound like a carnival
So many different games all being played
Oh i recognize that sound
That was the sound of old things rearing up
Oh that one made me cringe
That was the sound of something irrelevant
That one froze my blood
That was the sound of a heart breaking
But why...why does that one hurt me?
No, no, no, I haven't had my heart broken
I grew past that phase
Of course, of course, I must be having some sort stomach flu
I'm past those days after all
Now if you excuse me
I just thought of a new piece I'd like to write

Skin falls around my nails like so many ribbons
They gum up my keyboard
Trying to stop my fingers from completing their duet
Across these blank keys
I pause
To bite a nail
To drink some water
To look around me
Fall out of the moment
Life is just a series of pauses
Flying by to fast to recognize
But a moment isn’t a point
It’s this big messy thing
A moment is the edge of your vision
No hard lines, just a melding of there and not there
Like water flowing from one spot to the next
No matter where it is

Hold my hand as i fade away
not only from your memory
but from your very thoughts
that drove us together in the first place

And as I saw your eyes for the last time
I couldn't help but think of eons from now
and the significance of you eyes
to everything that is
and the insignificance of your eyes
to everything else

Keep on swiping right
On tinder tonight
You sad sack of ****
Something about
This not being about you
You sad sack of ****
Why do people always lie
In ways that people don't want to see

That's the difference between you and me
I will see what you don't
Not for lack of trying not to
But some of us where just meant
To be alone
least till sunrise
My lady of the mind
From the spaces inbetween the mirrors
Goodnight, my love
The smog covered the starts tonight
Goodnight

You cut out the world
You stopped listening to everyone who cared about you
you became so obsessed with your dream
you made it fail
you had so many opportunities to let them love you
they wanted to
they wanted nothing more than to see you happy
but you dreamt
and you never were all the way here were you?
No, you were always head in the clouds
and now
you are suffering for your own stupidity
I don't even recognize you

no matter the new look
no matter the new way of thinking
no matter how many times I'll say I starting over
no matter how many times I say I'm quitting
no matter the setbacks
no matter the successes
it was never enough
it will never be enough
because I refuse to let go
I refuse to see I to eye
I have to win this
No matter the friends
No matter the therapists
I have to beat this by myself
Because any other way
Would be fake in my eyes

the years carried on by
we lived the lie
these are the days of our lives
we started so young
and had our youth taken from us
now we are barely adults
and feel like old men
not in mind, but in body
and now we act like teenagers
not in body, but in the mind
we are to old to be immature
and to young to be this cynical
but it was supposed to all be worth it
but as we float in the pool
for hours on end
even the doctors we are now
that we were ******* over
and ******* and moaning
won't make the thought of her go away any faster

Kings and paupers
Share this heavenly roof
Able to come together in a commonplace rarity
I can see the scorned lovers looking at eachother
(We said we wouldn't make fun of you till later)
My tolerance is very low
Too many drugs not enough *****
I'm scared of the stories I read online
About demons and monsters
Taking me while I sleep
Because than I won't be able to finish the dreams
That I really want to see the end too

It's the long drives

Back to my home

Seems so far

But in a blink

I'm there

But this time

It seems so much longer

Maybe it's because I'm freezing

But I know

It because I'm thinking of you

And what happens next

It's in the way that the misty rain
Extends the glow of the city traffic lights
Red and green in a grand amugulamtion
Holiday music is a sober reminder
Quietly bleating out its message
In a packed car
Pass by the car accidents
And the city life
Hear the whispers of conversation
In sync with the passing lights
No one wants to admit that this is it
This is what we worked so hard for

Does that bitter pill make you feel?
Or are you to caught up in yourself
To realize how far low you've sunk
Will you die choking on your own bitter bile
Spouting you figured it out
Even as your own body betrays you
And the doctor shakes his head
As he had heard it too many time before

It's in the bottom of the bottle
The truth every artist or poet
Spends their life looking for
It's hidden in such a simple place
The bottom of the bottle
Is it empty for the right reasons?
Was it drunken quickly
A man desperately needing a low buzz
Or maybe it was a slow last sip
A night nursing the bottle
Was it a heavy drink?
Were the last shreds of hope
Represented in that pile of soaked spice left over?
Or maybe it was a lighter kind
Something you could slam down
And ignore how many ways
You can see your life
In the bottom of the bottle

I just need to walk across the room
All I need is to finish this report
then I can finally go to sleep
waking up to work
until you drop from the exhaustion
I started before everyone else this time
But they will all do better than me
as this is the unfairness of life
across the room and then I'll be done
across the stage and then I'll be done
I can't stand up
Sitting for days
All the answers are across the room
You'll find me in the corner

Insecurity is what killed God
Lack of faith
In the most faithful being
Scared of his own power
Certainly he has never failed
But omnipotents crumbles to nothing
In the face of insecurity
Can God move an unmovable stone?
Of course he can
But he won't
Because he became an atheist
To himself
After he failed to save the one
Who needed it most
Even if
It was according to the plan

When the world is freezing over, when the gauges stop working, when we approach real zero. That moment is when I remember the last summer I spent. The times luaghing with friends. The times worrying about whether or not she likes me. The times exploring. But the tundra takes that all away. And now there's a blank canvas.

Nebulous words
draining into nebulous nights
Truth laid bare for all too see
I stopped lying
this time for real
but utopias truth
is that just because you know a problem
doesn't mean you know jack **** how to solve it
happiness and emptiness are not exclusive
I am one but not the other
boredom is empty
and fills the halls of these dreams
I'm afraid ill be waiting to grow up
till I lie on my death bed

The world is turning
Three exact copies
Merging in and out of existence
this was supposed to be the good stuff
i can feel it rotting in my gut
a burning napalmy rolling
every copy is exact
in its differences
my eyes glaze over the already glazed view
I don't think I saw you
theres always tomorrow
another bottle
another way to cure the hangover
a self fulfilling prophecy
the sickness is the cure

Hark! The prodigal ******* returns!
Hark! Going away didn't change anything did it?
Hark! No, dreams are for those that can dream
Hark! I slept horrible last night
Hark. I only dreamed of you
Hark. It was such a good dream
hark. I never wanted to let go
hark. it was raining so hard.
I never wanted to dream of you
I only ever wanted to sleep sound

Aren't our memories weird? One minute we are watching and the next, a word or phase reminds us of times long past, and the little jokes she said or little stories that seems wholly insignificant then are the only things you remember now

Let's ignore these things
Let's ignore the people sitting next to each other
(Even though they usually don't)
Let's ignore the people talking in class
Let's ignore the party from last weekend
Where we all got to drunk
Let's ignore our pleas of love to each other
(It's much to early for that)
Let's ignore everything we've said
Let's ignore all the nights spent with each other
So we can work harder
And ignore that these are supposed to be
The times of our lives

Just remember i didn't ask to play this game
you asked me too
i told you i was good at chess
you would use your bishops
my knights were short lived but important
i kept my rooks though
i lost both my bishops much to early
you asked me a question
i told you my answer
i put you in check
and i walked away
is the answer to your question
on your mind?

Hear the candle flame grow
Breath after breath
The sky rushes down
And you are the catalyst
Between heaven and earth
Listen to the ebb and flow
Burn bright until the wick
Falls into ash
Let your body melt away
Back to what is was meant to be
Burnt candles are still alive
Face flush with heat
Frayed wires splayed for all to see
Enjoy the gritty feel
Of heaven and earth
Starting to leave
And while it is never expected
The connection will end
And you will lay awake at night
Feeling your skin
Hoping to feel wax once again

all alone in the tomes of knowledge
locked away on the quietest floor
sure, they say that we will meet up
I struggle to find the confidence to think they tell the truth
we said we would be here for hours
locked away in our own little worlds
this time it was supposed to be easy on me for once
maybe thats why I'm on the verge of failing out
when there is no friction
nothing to fight back against
even the strongest willed tigers turn to putty kittens in the hand of god
living the easy life of a failure
until its to late to escape the jaws of time and shame
knowing you can be so much better
but choosing not to be
thats what it meant
when they said I complicated everything

We all know what I meant
When I whispered into our shared rooms darkness
One drunken spring night
We all knew I meant what I said
I know you'd be sad if I was gone man
But sometimes we gotta get of the train early

The things we do

For those approving looks

Those things not in books

Something from inside

Always done to hide

We change our appearance  

To leave subtle hints

Slowly killing ourselves

Putting ourselves through the Trials of hell

So that we can lie to our reflection

And tell them without a hint of doubt

I'm happy

Even though behind your eyes

You are screaming

Because you don't recognize the person

I wear a weighted vest
While I workout
Filled with everything I lost
Always a remembrance
Of what you pushed me to do
Always to better myself
It's full of iron
Because I was cold
It's full of iron
Because you attracted me
It's full of air
Because that's the only thing left
So I'll get up, add more weight
And I'll start walking again
I've been sitting far to long
I think I hear someone up ahead
Someone other than you

How do you know which you is the real you
that sounds like an odd question
but just assume for a moment
that you have the whole conflicting personalities thing
like me
i think theres three
the crest of the wave
the happy one
the trough of the wave
the one i hate
and the calm water one
the one i always want
so how can you tell which one is the real one?
i sure as hell can't
maybe they all are
even if some hate each other
but thats not important the sky or the earth
did i say three?
my bad

Midnight dreams roll around
Conversation floating in the sky
Every second spent alone
Every second with a friend
Night and Day
Odd things I've never seen
Feelings I've never felt
I can't help but feel that maybe some of these people genuinely care
They want nothing more than to see me be happy
And for once, I don't think there is an ulterior motive

It's been a long time
since I've been this tired
a tired not drawn from living life day to day
but one drawn from living life to the fullest
a willing tiredness
one where you so desperately want to go to sleep
so you can wake up and experience everything new
a tired where you welcome sleep
a tired...
a happy tired

Everyone tries to label what they believe in. Their ideology, its in the books. Everyone reads the book of life but not everyone contributes. Oh how wonderful to read a book without reading it:. A lazy afternoon, hazy remembering of a long dead story. In bits of jealousy I envy those people. The readers. They enjoy for the sake of enjoying. These words, those books, are my own reading my own written story. I just want to put the book down and read. Here I am, sitting in a spot that's comforting. I'm tired, I'm cold. I'm imagining you reading this, the ever present reader I'm so wary of. I'm imagining you as I sit back with a sigh after writing this. Thinking back to my past when I thought I could write to you better. I'm sorry reader, sorry that I'm not a good author. I'm sorry that I ever thought I could be. I'm sorry I feel jealous of you. I'm sorry I had to write this. But more than anything else? I'm sorry I didn't read.

Come away with me
To the pristine beaches
Laying away the days
Under our palm umbrella
Lazy Sunday's becoming
Lazier lives
Come away with me
To the beautiful beaches
Where the sand feels just right
And we can hold hands forever
Come away with me baby
To live and be free

The more I think about it
The more you say it
The more certain I become
I need a break from here
I need to catch up on my sleep
I need to be alone
Go hiking too far in the woods
But more than anything else?
I need a break from you
I'm teetering so ******* bad
All the mental fortitude in the word means nothing when I look at you
But the I remember the empty looks
The humiliation you caused me
The grip you had on me
I'm not worried about you after all that
I'm just worried about you taking the people
I've come to care and respect
So please
I need to take a break from you
And I think you need one from me

What does it mean to you?
An aperture is the greatest thing in the world
it lets us take a moment of time
and forever remember it
a soft click
and the looks on the faces
the lack of good graces
forever carried through
that small metal eye
It saved me
that it did
because know it gave me
the one thing i wanted more than anything else
a picture were you wern't happy

I don't know what to do anymore
I know I'm sorry
I didn't mean to throw up all my alcohol in your bathroom
and I certainly didn't want to miss the toilet
I have no idea how angry you are
I don't know why i feel the way i do about you
I think its just I met you before anyone else
and i got the idea in my stupid head
that maybe you'd feel the same way
that maybe I could not sit alone in my dorm on Saturday night
that maybe you would smile at me
and accept my quirkiness for what it is
but I never slept well
and now I'm in a nightmare

Tired eyes peering over the edge of the book
He is expecting this already
He missed something
Just a little glance here or there
Maybe it was just a look in the eye across the room
But he missed something
It's not the fact that he missed it
It's not the fact he can feel himself slipping back into those minds
It's the fact that the coffee is cold
and the book isn't quite good enough to be an escape

In the city that never sleeps
Every city shares that name
Its growing later and later
and thats okay
I was blinded by a stupid crush
Something that should've have been nothing
But it consumed me
and made me into a shell
I never did do well
forming bonds with others
but I'm in a clear mind
and a clearer conscious
Today marks the beginning of a new time
a time where I'm me not just in writing
a time where I don't worry about all the details
a time where I can start down the road to be happy
a time where maybe I can start to really look for you

It's the showers where you can't feel the water
It's the times when you don't know here the water is coming from
It's the times you stand dripping wet
Numb to the cold air
Numb to the winter
Numb to your feelings
It's the showers after the long nights
Letting the water flow across your skin
You don't know how long it's been
Christ what did she look like?
It's the showers were you can't get out
Where you are so tired you almost fall asleep
That's where you'll find me
If you ever came looking

A masquerade of itself
a shadow of the life it represented
thats what this party is
inborn laziness
say goodbye to everyone you knew
and hello to the reflection you avoided
hanging a mirror i can see from my bed
perhaps not the best idea
a party to allow nothing to happen
slow down? slow down, eh?
lifes to slow
i want to speed up
when the night is young
and the sun wants to rise
who wins between responsibility
and making a fool of myself

gibbous moons
cycling through
fluorescent streaks of copper
filling the sky
exploding bones
caught within degenerating muscles

feel the sunrise move
up your body
the golden ichor
pumping through you

lights shadow in the night
still images of a different life
feel the cells tear apart
and the soul
molds into the background