I wonder who taught me that the way to deal with the
Emptiness
Is by pouring more of myself out.
When I hate myself the most
Is when I spend the most time handing my body
Mind
And insides
Out to whoever will destroy them the hardest.

When Im in a crowd of people
Ive always felt like
I take up too much space.
That I am a woman,
So I should speak in hushed tones
And soft glances.
Never be bigger than those who
Surround you.
Be the laugh track put in so people around you feel that they are funny.
Be kissed,
Get ******,
Keep your body covered,
Agree to their brilliant ideas,
Offer up yourself as
Reward,
Apology,
Validation.

Now when I feel large,
I say "Hello"

If there was any one memory
I hope to hold onto forever,
Its how it feels to have the babies
I created with love
Grew with every nurturing,
Womanly,
Mothering,
Love filled corner
Inside of me -
How it feels to have them
Breathe
Beside me.
Its never a gentle, or subtle involvement.
They crawl into my space and
Force their way into my skin
Like they are trying to become
A part of me again.
And I live for it.

Sometimes I spend too much time
Writing lists
Hoping it will help my brain
Organize all of these thoughts
That never seem to stay in one place
For very long.
Sometimes I don't eat, so I can feel
That familiar empty
Hollow
Space
Inside of me
That reminds me of when I had
So much focus and only one thought.
"Stay in control".
Sometimes I eat everything
That makes me feel sick.
So I can remember that I am
A waste
Out of control
Disgusting.
Every word I write screams
"LOOK AT ME"
And its just
Too loud.
So if I direct the letters into words that dont resemble the hurt then maybe it will quiet down and I can get back to the routine I have so lovingly crafted
From day one.

It is not my job to prove who I am
To people who misunderstand me.
Removing myself from what hurts me
Is a solution, not running away.
I get to choose my family now.

I found you in a hand lotion today.
This is the first year since you've been gone and the first year that Ive been present in this life that Ive had such a strong moment, seeing your face in my mind. I forgot all about it, and you. The garden, the pool, the twinkle in your eyes, your beautiful jewellery that always made me feel excited to be feminine, and one day all grown up. With my own lipstick and perfectly curled hair, sitting on my couch, one leg over the other, hands on my lap.
Like a lady.

Fears don't need to be decisions
Sadness doesn't need to be a fact
Anger shouldn't be an action
Shame doesn't have to be a self image
These are just feelings
They are not definitions
Of your being