Fears don't need to be decisions
Sadness doesn't need to be a fact
Anger shouldn't be an action
Shame doesn't have to be a self image
These are just feelings
They are not definitions
Of your being

How can anyone look at all of the
Things that have made me into this
Dark, broken, human
And think
She is beautiful
Loveable
Or any other word that describes those kinds of people you want to collect into your life.

I want to throw myself into something that will consume and destroy me.

Tomorrow it will be 9 months.
9 months without them.
Without injesting whatever chemical
Would make me feel the most
Invisible.
Everyone keeps saying things like
"You must be so proud!"
And "You are working so hard".
But the only words I can hear is
"You are not worthy of this clean life"

I will never shrink myself
To a size that makes
You
More comfortable.
In fact,
I will continue to grow
Loudly.

You always know when I am
At my lowest
And most vulnerable.
You crawl in so delicately
With the most peaceful offerings
Of comfort.

I wish you would stop.

Tell me why you think Im interesting and why it draws you to me. Laugh at my stupid jokes. Listen to the words I say. Listen to the words I dont say. Tell me you dont feel that way about me. Tell me you could never love someone like me. Tell me you just want to ****. Remind me that I am merely a prop to be put out on display, for you to stare at and imagine me doing all of the things you could never get your wife to do. I can be that dream girl, the one whos body feels like all of the feelings but never speaks of them.
What did she call it?
Manic pixie dream girl...
I set you up for a good story, that you look back on every now and then when you're up late or lonely or bored. I can be that story about that girl you once held next to you and escaped with. The one who wasnt anything to you, who listened to you talk about the sadness and heaviness that has taken over your life as you slowly made all the proper decisions in the right order.
How you're empty,
And men can't be empty.
So just like its up to you to care for your family and be a responsible adult
It is up to me to fill you up with what
I have left.
Thats what Im here for, I guess.