A beautiful woman once sang "My Love is Mine, All Mine."
Meaning no matter what I lost,
I would always have the most precious and irreplaceable thing in my possession,
my love.
I would find that beautiful lyric to be so smart, so true,
so vulnerably sweet.
This was until I had met him

I don't exactly know when he had went from
"Just a boy"
To:
My Heart,
Or My Sweet Boy,
Or My Precious Gem.
I just know that he had earned those titles quite quickly

Our time together was magical.

I was already a chronic laugher,
but with him who knew,
that butterflies in your stomach
could also make you grovel on the ground
whilst gasping for air?
Almost like cramps,
only the pain would be everywhere;
especially your heart.

One could easily call this love, but no,
I had a brain the size of a walnut.
I didn't call this love.
Everything but love,
A Bored Crush
         A Little Hyperfixation
                     A Cool New friend
Anything but that.
My love had belonged to
                       me and
                                   only
                                          me!
I would not entrust it with a man!
a man that makes me feel safe,
heard, cared for,
not even worth mentioning, protected!

If you'd asked me a couple months ago
I'd have called it absolute bull.
Though a couple months ago,
I was incredibly stupid.
To let go of such a man should be a crime,
punishable by death.

Our time together was magical,
So magical that even I am unable to
                                         glorify
                                                  departure.

How could my biggest boundary,
grow to be my biggest regret?
I have grown into finding normality in toxicity, thus self-sabotaging any beautiful thing
I could've shared with a romantic other.
How selfish of me.

My Heart,
My Sweet Boy,
My Precious Gem.
Please return back to me my love.
It has no business being with you.

My Heart,
My Sweet Boy,
My Precious Gem;
whom left me in such a rut.
How much longer should you take?
Must you make me wallow in my loneliness forever?

My Heart,
My Sweet Boy,
My Precious Gem.
You will continue to fault me,
for mistakes I was unaware I even commit.

My Heart,
My Sweet Boy,
My Precious Gem.
You have ruined this beautiful letter of dignity for me,
I care no more for my own love,
and self respect.
You are free to take it, to keep even
May my own mind, body, and soul protect yours, as you sleep.

You need not to elucidate anything to me.
I understand and will continue to grovel in my faults,
to reminisce my sacred moments with you.

Beautiful woman,
were you so true with your words?
Does my love really belong to me?
Should I even be granted such a luxury
with my wrongdoings?

My Sweet Boy, It would seem that, my love, it belongs to you.
I am unaware of whether or not you own it all, or a fraction.
I only know that my love is yours,
You replaced that irreplaceable piece,
How silly that my heart seemed to have
only started beating when, you clumsily touched it.

My Heart
My Dear Boy
My Precious Gem,
Our time together was magical
I will cherish it for as long as my heart,
                        beats
                                 for
                                     you.

Learning to be grateful for your blessings
While dissimulating contentedness.
Undeluding is your soul that aches for interaction it seems to be blanking.
Unwritten wishes that derive hope from you, whom wishes for a fraction of reminiscence

And you are a selfish addict.
Destroying yourself over a feeling of nostalgia you’re unaware you’ve even experienced.
There are people in front of you who are very capable of making you laugh and giggle and squeal
Yet you look beyond them towards that unidentifiable something that you long for.

A slave to your mind,
A slave to your hopes for discovery
A slave to that unidentifiable something,
A slave to the self hatred you proclaimed as “nothing”
And will you ever escape it?

You will find that even while running!
And even while pleading--
And even while that small hamster causes a commotion in your head as it runs in place,
Progress painfully predictable,
Do you repetitively realize that your redundant expedition is indefinitely infinite
Physically synonymous to the hamster that continues to run even when it sees the path doesn't change.

As if it needs to run to maintain its sanity.
To not submit to psychosis over that torturous feeling or stage or whatever the hell of deja vu.
Do you even have any idea where anything will lead to if you don’t even know where you’re to stand?
And who will you crawl to when you’re stuck in that maliciously mundane state of emptiness?
When you’re unaware of who will be able to understand that never-ending journey of longingness—

Now hear it, despite its genericity, you truly feel like this pain is yours alone to bear.

Learning to be grateful for your blessings
When you can only yearn for the knowledge of which keeps your heart so unresponsive
Filled with worry that you’ll break a bone, should they be as hollow as you.

Happiness eludes you.
Fulfillment escapes you.
You.
Left pondering whether such a cure can even exist
To exterminate a disease as abnormally unsettling as this.

You,
A Crackbaby.