The essence of your being is here to stay
as it infuses with my skin and heart and eyes and touch
my skin has been tattooed through your caress
and my heart has been mended by the way your eyes peer into my soul you fill me with love and make me whole

in retrospect i truly thought i knew what love was
but this was all a lie until i had met you
masochistic obsession is all i was familiar with
blinking the past away
i am aware of you and our future and our present
and how i will never let that get away

I went to the garage to throw up and came out with a glass of water and a box to store my waste
I wish I had thrown up everything all that was me
But nothing came up but a wee little bit
Our adventure set off and to the shed we went only to be disappointed by the crude lawn mower
Once more the travels we set off on to the couch it is
Where he shows me a trick to alleviate my nauseous head
My legs spread for him and I cannot control the yes daddy slipping from my ***** ****** lips at the time
21 and **** with the tats he was everything I wanted and so the game began where his **** ****** my ******* tight *****
Age is just a number I'm 17 ******* it a responsible one at that with a job and friends and good grades and a future and here I am wishing I was good enough for this man
But I was
And he was cute and funny and sweet and
Gone
And this 17 year old sits waiting wondering what the **** do I do when I want but do not need and what the **** do I do when he may not want me
But baby I'm a jumper and the fall is scary but
Am I strong enough to crawl out of that hole again?
Am o stupid enough to chance it?
Will this even effect me as much as I'm playing into it?
I may not even like him when it comes down to it
But ****
I want to **** again
And I want to be loved
But these are indeed not the same thing my first time guy

is privacy a right or a privalege?
is it something to anticipate, is it something you expect your fellow people to respect?
is it something you thought your government respected?
is privacy something you are willing to rid yourself of?
is privacy something you feel should be handed to you, not earned?
or is privacy, in your eyes, something that a 'civilized society" deserves?
is it something you deserve no matter what your charecter?
shouldyou be able to have it, without people thinking your keeping secerets?
but what happens once you abuse your privacy?
can you earn it back or will it always be something all to far away?
if you abuse your privacy, do you change your views upon whether it should be handed to you or whether it should be earned?
do you trust yourself with privacy?
do you trust anyone with privacy but, what if, in privacy is when the real you shines?
then is privacy all you are made of and without it you would be nothign at all but a human carcous inwhich talks?
at which all you are becomes you within privacy, your views will change or will they not?
privacy is a right, but it is a right abused and overlooked more than it being used appropriately. like most things in this here country.

teacher teacher, oh no what have you done as a college girl? What did you do to disgrace your families name? what regrets do you hold, if any? What mistakes did you make? is that man in the uniform as truly honorable as the uniform makes him look? Should I care for that man, respect him because of the tittle he carries, because of the tittle I was told he earned? Should  look up to that man in your little picture frame because he s gone, what things did he truly do or for that matter didn't do? oh my teacher teacher, I have so many questions but, it is not my place to ask but only, to ponder. For my teacher what will become of you, once you leave will my peers remember you for the way you taught, or for your picture frame, which would you want to be remembered for? oh my teacher teacher, I cannot help but wonder what will you move on to? Or wha did that man mean to you, what did he represent, obsessiveness, or smiles or even tears? oh teacher teacher, what secrets do you hold? oh my teacher teacher, why do you do what you do, do you regret this here occupation? oh my teacher teacher all I want is a glimpse of your brain for you are all to complexing than any boy I have yet to me, so dear me me my teacher teacher what is it you withhold , an ending or a chance? or fr that matter is is neither? of my dear teacher teacher, what is it you ponder?

I can't stop wanting to apologize
I am not okay with me
There are "body hate" free zones
And safe spots
And tons of supports for bisexuals lesbians gays
There are so many supporters out there
So many people comfortable with who they are
But I cannot accept
Me.
And it hurts.
But if I cannot accept me why would I let you or anyone else try to
Help
Or savage
What is left
When I am not here or don't want to be
Because I don't want to think about what it is I am and how it makes
ME
Uncomfortable
The fact that your okay with it
Doesn't mean I am

when you are hit with that insult you fantasize about 24/7 i will try and laugh, and maybe a giggle escapes. With all my efforts of trying to escape, trying to hide how much damage you have enduced, how much of my soul you have just stolen from me, i will disasterly fail. And the pain will seep through my eyes. and i will once again fail to surprise myself. For all your insults havent made me stronger, oh all your insults have just stripped my confidence, away. Fo all your insults have done is make yourself a bigger ******, all your insults just let everyone see how unworthy of a life you really are. But that statement would be a lie. For all your insults have done is damage me to a lce no ne will be able to repair but me. nd when you wonder, mother, why i am the way i am. Please do not look at me for answer's look in the mirror and, then, i beg of you glance at society. Because when society has reached the point of utter disgustance that suicide is something you simply insult someone with is funny, when society reaches the point of utter dissapointment that so mny people feel the need to die to escape, you should not be blaming anyone. Society itself should be looking at what we have made of ourselves. society itself should be looking at how the bad parenting reflects so much. because it only takes one insult, to send so many people over the edge.

people say trust isn't something simply givin, that it's something earned just like with respect right?
then why would we simplly hand out trust and respect to thoose above us?
to the goverment? we put our entire life in their hands. our entire future. We put our entire country in the hands or a stranger and trust them to not mess it up. Why would we simply trust that that police officer isn't lying about what truly happend? And why do we simply hand out respect to our elders? is it because it is the right thing to do? but who made up what was wrong and right? who or what has that power? no one and nothing. Therefore everyone's right and wrong are totally different. we don't know what our elder's do when we arn't looking, do we? So why is it expected of us to hand out respect? Sure it's polite, but yet, who made up what is and/or isn't polite?



Many people will answer this with god. Simply give god the power thaat he made us all. If i were god, i do believe he would regret his actions of creating human's, why create something so disgusting? So he has things to ackknowledge the beuty of earth? While we are ruining it? I do believe if there is a god he would have commited suicide. There is no reason to be proud of us human's in my eyes. We do terribe unforgiveable things, things that ruin, tear apart, demolish other's life. IN just one day it all could come crumbling down. It all did. It has multiple times before. And it will inevitably happen again.

humanity is like a dish.

it can go through so much, but eventually it's color will fade.
you can reuse it, and wash it and it'll look brand new.
and if you press your knife to hard or slam it down on the table, it could chip.
and maybe you have super glue just lying around, so hey why not?
fix that old plate up.
and it can be put out for anyone,
anyone at al can use it,
and in a store when you decide hmmm should i buy, and take it home or what
you decide on the way it looks, whether it's the right color or size
and when you decide to get rid of it, you decide on how empty that superglue containers been getten
cause that plate was used oh so many times, it's color has faded
and it has more than just a couple chips.
so to the garbage it goes.
and so
you go back to the store to but a new plate, maybe a different color, this time, eh?

I'm starting to learn that what you say or think truly does not matter.
what a relief.

you look in the mirror and you see something putrid, you look away with disgust, you back away, you look down and you use it.
you do not cry out, you don't scream, you don't fall, or trip, or
hesitate,
you just use it.
and then you feel it,
you feel that emptiness release your body,
you let it consume you entirely,
you don't flee,
or run to ,
you just stay,
you don't regret and you don't think what if?
you
finally you feel better
relieved,
then your sense comes back, and your freedom disappears,
runs away like a little girl from a scary nightmare,
and without your consent it returns,
but
the marks remain,
the evidence of your release shouts loudly to their eyes,
to all their eyes,
so you wonder what if
the person standing right next to you or walking a few feet away has done the same exact thing?
used the same escape?
what
if
they did exactly what you fantasized about just a few minutes ago?
and
you
were to blind to see?
to deaf to hear?
to ignorant to realize?
to selfish to try to even look through their wall?

I want to be comfortable with being uncomfortable
I want to tie you down and lick **** bite every inch of your body
I want to let you see what I can be
I want to show you how I am not sweet
I want to reveal my very oh so opposite of sweet desires to you
But you won't let me
I want to feel **** with you
I want to show you what I am confident in what I know how to do and do it well
I am not submissive
I am dominate
And this here poses the dilemma
Of our different ****** preferences
Of how my boredom plagues me
You restrict me over and over
Yet you are sweet
With cuddles and kisses this is not what I desire! If I'm going to be
Submissive
Then cut me bite me **** me burn me tease me for hours
Do something.
Because this is not what I desire.

want leads to greed
want leads to obesity
want leads to death
want leads to determination
want leads to the fake meaning of need
want leads to people being naieve
if there was no want in the world wouldn't it be so much better?
But we can'thave a happy go luck world where everyone's content within what they have can we?
But if there was no want in the world there would be no drive to keep us going,
there would be no people out there who don't just want but truly need to see the world change, to make the world change,
there would be no people out there who will start the evolution,
there would be no people who want to honestly simply HELP,
even if theese people are rare,
even with theese people being scarce,
even with theese people still growing up,
even with theese people wasteing away of old age,
they are still out there.
because thoose people are the one's from every background, who have expierenced it all, who want to expierence it all simply so they can use it to be better to become what the world needs, thrives for, can't keep spinning without.
we the people have the power to change to revolutionize to be different
we the people can shut thoose voices out,
we the people will be better than thoose who can't comprehend, than thoose too weak at the moment,
we the people will help thoose at the bottom screaming for help,
we the people will help thoose in the middle, thoose at the very top, thoose down in the ground that are screaming for our helpping hands,
because we the people simply can,
because we the people have to change the world,
because we the people have to try not for music, not for your parents, not for your future childeren, not for your religion, not because people think it's the right thing to do, But simply because we CAN do what we want simply because we have the POWER to make changes, so my friends take this chance as this world spins to stop it yank it out of the governements fragile, cowardly hands,
and ****** it in the air
Simply because we
CAN

you expect me to care what you do,what you say, what you think,
why?
because you are so use to being judged, because you are so use to being told that that's wrong, not right for you to say, for you to think that,
you expect me to me botherd by your threats,
why?
because you are so use to being scared yourself, because you are so use to not being you out of simple cowardicity, because you are so use to feeding off thoose of the weak you expect us to back down,
you  expect me to scream back in your face,
why?
because so many do that regularly, because you want me to sinnk to your level, because you simply want someone to relate to, someone to be in the same boat as you,
you expect me to rrun away,
why?
because you think you don't deserve what every human does, because you think that if you get help, that if i wanted to help, that you would let me down, because that is what you have been trained to do your entire life, let people down, because you have said no so many times wishing someone would say i know you want to say yes, because you yourself have ran away,
you expect me to stop, and look, and ask what's wrong?
why?
because you think you deserve help, because you think you are lower than i, because you think that i should simply pity you because you are the way you are, because you are in the circumstances you think you are in, because you assume i am a good person,
you expect me to do the right thing,to not betray you,
why?
because you have been cradeld, because you are so naieve, because you have been taught that people in my position ofpower are all good, are to be trusted, are to be romodels to look up to, because you simply want to be right,
you expect me to be loyal, to not lie, to want to be responsible,
why?
because that is what you have been taught is morally correct, because that is what you have been taught is what you must be to go far in life,
you think you are ugly, disgusting,
why?
because you have been told that you are ugly, because you have beentold that people who say you are oretty are lying, because you have been trained, forced, to believe that this is what' s beautiful, that this is whats ugly,
you expect people to care, people to be "good", people to betray you, you expect people to think your ugly, you expect people to say no, to say yes, you expect people to want to strive for better, you expect to be or not to be disapointed,
why?
because your brain was set that opne thing is ight one thing is worng, that you must reach standards to be "good" or to be "bad, because that is wat you have only ever known, because human's are human's. and we are our future death, and we are what will **** this earth, and we are what kills each other, and we are what makes each other happy, and whether we think we are good or bad, whether we need this or thtt it is ecause of society's standards, because of society's rules inwhich "must be obeyed" but what if the true fun part of life is breaking thoose rules, crushing thoose standards, an recreating something that isn't what we have known always.

if you think our society is civilized, i ask you why?
because we have clean clothes?
because we have homes made of wood and metal and not branches and mud?
because we dont tear each other's skin off dailey?
because we speak english?
society is the least civilized thing i have ever expierenced.
we drive each other to the point of insanity, we drive each other to slit knife's across our own fllesh, we cause each other to jump over that ledge,
we destroy other things for our own pleasure,
we ****, torture things and laugh,
we ruin a planet that gives us the "pleasure" of liveing,
we are cruel, beautiful, suicidal, most of us ignorant, judgemental, mind blowing, intricate, creatures. but the thing 98% of human's are not is civilized.

I find my self uncontrollable again
I cannot stop this breathing
I cannot stop these tears
Until it all goes black
And I'm gone
Out of this body
Watching myself
As I fall apart
Wishing I had a friend
Wishing I could ask for help
Wishing I would let them see how bad I really get
Wishing I could go to my mother and just cry
Wishing I had someone
Because that's what I wanted
I wanted a friend.
A real friend.
Because this thing inside my head is not my friend
It has started to scare me
It is getting out of control
And it's bad again
It's here
It never left but it's been getting worse
And here I lay in bed 2 in the morning crying
Fuseing with my desires
A friend
A mother whom I didn't need to lie to
A dad whom i wished wasn't a *** head
Whom I wished wasn't a complete ******* idiot high school drop out
Whom I wished wasn't an *******
Whom I wish wasn't suicidal
Whom I wished I could accept for what he was and is a high school drop out trying his best
Because I am exactly like him.
Except Im in school with of course that honor role
Wishing I had never cut
Wishing I had never taken those pills
Wishing I didn't wish this **** because I learned from it all
But ****
Wishing i didn't hurt this much
Wishing I had a friend
Wishing I was good enough for myself
For the loves
For my father
For my dad
For my family
Because how could I love myself when my father never did?
How could I be enough when the failures cloud my all?
How could I have a friend when they don't even know me?
And it's here again its insisting
The realization keeps banging me
I don't want to be here
Go away
Hide
It's okay
Go away
I don't want to be here
This place isn't meant for me
Just slice once more vertical there you go
One more pill that's it
Now you can leave
And it hits again and again
That I'm so **** tired of fighting this
fly away
Go away

And what do I do when my father is suicidal
My mother having back surgery, secretly hating the way her life turned out
My brother at college and asking for my advice about his gf cheating on him that he was about to get an apartment with
A biological dad that won't leave me alone but I can't get over the mistakes he has made over and over
Brothers hours away that I love and never see
A little sister in a place similar to where I use to be
But oh so different
A little sister who has an older one to come to and ask why do I feel this way?
A sister who now has someone to know that I ******* CARE ABOUT YOU to know that SHE IS NOT ALONE and a little sister who had a big sister to take her blades away to hold her when she cries to tell her to start a journal write every little thing in it and one thing you love about yourself or one thing you will do in the future
A little sister who I gave hope to
A little sister that I see much of myself in but in so many different ways
A little sister that I would never allow to feel the rejection from her parents
A little sister who came to me and told me she wants to **** people
She fantasized about it and she doesn't know what's wrong
And a little sister who cuts herself
But one that I would no longer let that happen to
A little sister that has broken me down and made me cry for hours
A little sister that has filled my youth with jealousy and a little sister that is as spiteful as my mother
But a little sister that I would protect no matter how many times she ruined me.

stumbling through a rabbit hole, of never ending time,
the flashes ,
they attack her with an undeserved vengeance filled with an otherworldly hate,
they rip her wall of artificial sanity down within a simple grimace,
so she sits.
and stares
all feeling retreating to that special place called imagination.

all to many dimensions away,
she is laughing,
snorting,
her cheeks hurt so bad from laughing yet she cannot stop,
for that smile never leaves her face,
and the pure innocent happiness deep inside of her,
invades their souls,
she says hello,
she lives.
here in this place.

her plastic smile
quite convincing,
has lied,
to everyone, oh they were all convinced, HA!
what a bad girl she was,
that smile, the one he loved oh so much?
oh dearest naïve boy, It wasn't real
on the contrary my friend my good ole pal,
you were just a blind fool.
why of course with the rest of them.

the eyes, those burning eyes,
seem to never leave her thoughts,
always, thinking that maybe that look was meant for her,
was it to be special or something of the ordinary?
this, this, is where her embarrassment comes in,
where she cannot believe she let a boy,
the boys,
matter to her.

this is where she is that shadow in the corner of his eyes,
where she is his ember inside a forest fire,
where she is a drop of water in an ocean,
where she is the sunlight to his photosynthesis,
where she is his base.
she Is his.
and no longer her own.

why it wasn't real sweetheart.
just a façade you relished in.
just a lie you lived.
the places she hid, the realities she buried,
the truths she regretted,
the feelings she cut away,
the other hers,
the other lies and truths mixed,
efforts at her trying to find a reason, a way, a place to stay.
efforts of her finding the power to say
I am me
not at all an anonymous her.

I have written him so many times.
and put it on this site.
or in that notebook.
I have thought and analyzed the "why?"
and came up with no justifiable conclusion.
you etched away my sanity,
stole my innocence,
and yet I still ponder you.
I still care.
no matter how many times I say I don't care, i'm actually thinking about it all day.
I actually let it bother me.
when I see you and her.
I am satisfied.
I am happy for her, that she found someone.
I am happy that it gives me a great reason to not let myself deliberately think about you.
but when I find myself hoping your around that corner,
anticipating it so much,
and then you aren't there...
the disappointment seizes my entire body,
wipes the smile right off my face.
and causes me to internally slap myself.
then when I see you in English,
and you tempt me,
on purpose,
to see if I will take your delicious bait,
I refuse,
I will not fall for you yet again,
I am done with your madness.
I will not let you know that i care for you still,
I will not give you that
satisfaction.
I promise, i do like another, and another.
they are just as perfect if not better.
yet my conscious is still hooked on you.
for some reason i wish i hadn't known.

sometimes you get tired.
of waiting for happiness to sprout inside of you again, no matter how many "fun" things you go out and do.
of those comments drowning out the thoughts in your own head until you yet again, go numb inside.
sometimes you get tired of watching people talk about other people,
for no better reason but to, make them feel better about their miniscule, petty little egos,
of people being cowards,
of people thinking that hey this won't matter in 20 years.
of people thinking
that picking on someone everyday won't change their entire being,
their entire future,
life, happiness, love
of believing that its okay to be in agreement with the general opinion of our decaying society, just to be thought of as "cool".
of thinking mediocrity is something to be proud of.
hey sometimes you get tired.
of people.
of their lack of effort.
of their ignorance.
of their ****.
of people thinking it's okay to sit there and watch someone get beaten down by somebody who's really just as fragile on the inside.
sometimes you get tired.
of society's disregard for any kind of just act.
a moral code.
sometimes you get tired of it all.
sometimes you can't take it anymore.
and sometimes
you just get so **** tired of it **ALL

You can only distract yourself so many times
before it catches up with you

that girl walks down the hallways owning the show,
that girl acts as if thoose voices in the background dont even phase her,
that girl walks on with a smile, laughing at thoose voices in the background encouraging them even,
that girl raises her hand in class and answers correctly, getting the answer right, with claps in her ears she still acts as if the things in the backgound don't matter,
that girl goes to all thoose clubs and participates more than anyone else,
that girl acts as if the daggers slung at her are simply something to laugh at, something to enjoy,
but when no one's looking that girl cares, that girl becomes exactly who she truly is.
when no ones looking the grl can be quiet without people wondering "what the **** happend to her?"
when no ones looking that girl becomes mellow and lets things sink in,
when that girls by herself she let's thoose daggers slice through her flesh leaving thoose awfully noticable scars,
when no ones looking that girl can become obnoxious with thoose who society judges the most, without getting crtisized,
when that girl is alone she can't help but wonder "what the **** happend to the world? i thought this was once a place to be proud of? once a place to have pride in?"

would you rather feel the sting of somebody not remembering you when they could not leave your mind even if you wanted them too?
or
forgooten, and glad that you were because of the awful tings youv'e done?
or
would you want to be recalled and here the dissapointment in their voice as to what they remember you as?
or
would you want to be recalled for the only good things you'vr done making your whole life, look like something out of an all to sweet fairytail?

some can say hope is beutiful maybe it is in times of when hope is your last reason for taking that last breath, or of not jumping off that bridge,
maybe it is in thoose circumstances,
but when you you hope for oh so long,
hope becomes nothing but you believeing in some pathetic idea,
and maybe when you tell someone this pathetic idea they say
" that's so normal though! how can you  hope for that?"
that's when you  know you arn't right anymore. That somethings wrong with you.
when relizing that hope for you is something the average person thinks is normal, something the avergae person feels every day.
expierences everyday.
when you relize hope, is truly some pathetic overused idea of your.
Your hope has turned into something disgusting,
when you hope for a true smile, one that you don't have to fake ,
a true laugh just once,
that is what hope does to some people. ey are at the end of their to short rope and they hope.
but you can only hope for so long.
and after you are done hoping what is left?
faking everyday for the rest of your life to fulfil someone elses idea's expectations for you?
inwhich at this point death becomes so exotic and wonderful.
and after you first think that thought, of death being the true answer,
you don't care anymore or you just start caring about EVERYTHING and every point off of a one hundred kills you,
when every inisult from him starts tearing at your flesh,
when evert thought of yours isn't "good" starts to ich ever so much more, when every glance that isn't a good one makes you feel o so ******.
death really does become your most faverable topic then, and people wonder why you are the way you are.
stop wondering and simply look at their ****** expressions,
simply listen to what they say,
simply try for them.

is it sad tht alli wish is for your acceptance
                                                             is it sad that i wish for you to look my way, and smile
                                                                                                    is it sad that i hate myself for likeing you
is it sad that youtake my breath away
                                                           is it sad that you mak me want to cry  out in pain
                                                                                                    is it sad that i got jealous when i saw you holding her hand
is it sad that you are the cause of thoose scars
                                                           is it sad that you are irresistable
                                                                                                    is it sad that when you defend me it makes me want to scream and laugh and cry at the same time
is it sad that you make me me
is it sad you are you
is it sad you are the one i love?
is it sad you are the one that makes me try?
is it sad that you are the one i hate?
is it sad
at all
one
bit
is
it
stupid of me to
care
?
is it dumb of me
one
little
bit?
is
it
posssible
that
i
co
ul
d
like and love and hate and need you
all
at
the
s
a
m
e

T
I
M
E
??????

I spent my days in search of you
Mending broken hearts with a simple thread
Through the looking glass I saw her legs spread
Bending here and there for you
Until the ***** came unscrewed
And the nail was broken in two

And when it comes to an end
your tears will be for nothing
your scars will mean nothing
because this is
you are
you all are
nothing
as we all are aware of this fact
we strangle ourselves into the illusion of **** actually meaning something
we are aware
we hide behind these lies as if they aren't transparent
we are here
on and in
this nothingness
out to make it something
that will inevitably be nothing

is fear what our society lives In today?
oh so many are afraid of not being accepted
afraid of what they will say next,
afraid of what threat they will fulfill,
is it wrong to surrender to fear, oh so many times?
no, no it is not.
because fear is a weapon the corrupt know how to use all to well.
no, no it is not.
because it isn't someone outright pushing into your face, it is only shoved down your throat with an invisible hand.
fear becomes an issue once it is construed with, cowardice.
because the strongest have their fears, but once you start letting fear pull you down and down and farther down,
you become it's *****.
because
is fear truly the greatest power of all?
is it what our society has let lead us?
is fear the thing that decides your actions?
do you let it dominate your every thought?
is fear really the thing in which our world lives in?
because you know that person, who will take any dare, even they feel the little hint of fear before they jump.
is fear what drives that voice in the back of you head?
is fear that force that makes your ignorant fool sling his comments at you so routinely?

if you left,
to the icy cold waters,
or to the air, to just lay there limp,
or to the numbness,
or to the sinking away emotions, that will never return,
to the edge of the knife,
to the tip of the gun,
i would miss you.
i would care.
i would feel as if i missed out on an amazing chance to meet someone who i wish knew that did i care.
i would run after you.
i would run for you.
i would live for you.
i would try for you.
i would write for you.
i would.
i would.
i would.
please
my
mysterious stranger,
give me the honor to read your work,
give me the chance to learn,
to crack open your brain,
give me the chance to help.
let me try to understand
let me care
let the world see you
because
your amazing,
and something to be proud of.
because you inspire me.
because of you,
i opened my eyes.

I let it back in. I let it creep into my soul.
no I let it unbury itself from the grapple it was under.
I let it walk out of the shadows and bowed down to it.
it referred to me as "autumn" and I couldn't respond, because the girl that was once here, was cut up into little pieces, and forgotten but myself.
I let her rot away, under the skeptical of other's all while she had that smile upon her face.
and now, here we are in the same body.
no place for her dearest to go.
HAHAHA she is trembling, afraid of herself,
and ****. have I ever been more proud, my greatest work of all?
sitting here, begging for me to leave.
honey, sweet pea, **** yourself.
because I am here and now and you aren't getting rid of me.
you should have done that 3 years ago.
you should have listened to the whispers.
instead of slowly fading away.

I stared off into the distance
Always repeating
Never wanting to be the one retreating
I stared off into the distance
Always repenting
Never wanting to be the one sinning
I stared off into the distance
Always glowing
Never wanting to be the one dimming
I stared off into the distance
Always claiming
Wanting to be the one who determined the next distance

I keep trying to come here to write how I feel
But I am at a loss of words
I begin
And delete
And I attempt and fail

I sit here in this empty bed
Thinking
I wanted attention and love and passion
I wanted to be loved, ******* it I wanted to feel
Loved
I am ever in search of
My formidable years full of love and strength yet it was all lost somewhere along the way
Where I was no longer taught to love myself but change myself for others expectations
Where I was shown to belittle myself for your satisfaction
I am ever in search of
Love

my mind is whirling and comlexing,
my mind is becoming obssessed with you,
my brain has been manipulated and won't walk over the edge,
my mind is flipping, and screaming,
my mind is dictateing me,
and that little voice is you,
you are  killing me,
you are being you,
you are representing oh so many,
because you are what i need,
because you are me.

what is wrong with me? to think that i can talk to you?to think that i can say the things i say? For you know more than i, for i miss thoose who told me no. For talking to a 19 year old at the age of 14 is revolting, so what the hell caused me to want what is true revoltation?

I miss singing at the top of my lungs and swinging, feeling as if i was a bird.
I was free there in that moment.
I miss making mud pies and collecting bugs with my cousin.
I miss bike rides around the same old block everyday.
I miss the passion in my actions.
I miss dressing up in a floppy hat skirt and shirt that didn't quite cover my flubby belly at the time and feeling like I was a model, feeling like I was the bomb dot com.
I miss making mud slides and the tire swing.
I miss the play fights and gun games and simply watching video games as my brothers wouldn't let me play.
I miss feeling comfortable with the man who's ***** led to my life.
I miss the ignorance my childhood Had kept me safe in.
I miss being able to hug him, without cringing.
And I miss being able to remember my thoughts.
I miss my life before anything had ever happened.
I miss when my mommy would ask has anyone touched you down there? And I could honestly say no.
I do not miss the lies I told everyday
I do not miss the feeling of never being able to open up.
I won't miss the feeling of being a mistake.
Nor will I miss the feeling of being a failure.
I will not miss the feeling of disgust  over my own body.
I will not miss the jealousy my step father had with my sister she was his blood.
I will not miss my mothers favoritism over Her first boy.
I will not miss the memories that I cannot access.
I will not miss the echo of words that should never have been uttered to a child.
I will not miss the unknowing monster in my mind feeding myself ideas of what happened the snippets floating away.
I will miss the feeling of a smile, the affection accepted from a loved one.
But it won't matter will it i won't have the choice what I remember or miss I won't be here at all.
What will you miss?

Glancing up to hear the flicker of her smile
It ***** slowly to the ground
A voice oh she sees it so loud!
Whispers whisper whispers
Your beautiful **** delicious I like you I want you I need you please
Shouts shouts shouts
Look down close your blinders
Close your disablement that we all share yet ironically ****** ourselves upon
Choke
Don't breathe
Glance up and a smack is waiting
Throwing you across the room
Never showing any sign of weakness
We fall to the floor and she's still standing head held high
Bowing her head shredding inside
The whispers make it through
Teasing her
As she shouts at herself
Becoming what all the voices tricked her of blanketed in her sanity created by the mirror and society
As she whispers to him

your flimsy words and pity goodbyes have made his throat raw,
and yet your eyes still seek for that light, that fading away ember to show you, to prove to you,
your petty soul will be missed,
that this **** you take everyday of every moment will end up making a difference,
will change the world someday,
and will not be for absolutely,
nothing.
that it will matter in where you end up,
after the deed is done,
that being the "better" person in the light of someone else's view,
will make you something more than you are all to clearly not.
and maybe your insignificant glare needs,
a never ending "life" of regret,
a "life" where everything is sliding away from you,
and it all
just
fades
away
to an emptiness unbearable to the innocent, naïve, human,
that allows you to see your actions hurt all to many of those you thought you had "loved"
as your "life" is finally proven to you that it was not something at all but in all honesty it was nothing, nothing at all, just a glimpse of an eternity long grimace,
to show you that your pain had no meaning at all,
that in fact if you had been ecstatic you would be in the same place as now,
so why is it
my pitiful friend
do you
believe,
in his "frighteningly" all to similar shade of white as your devils shade of black?

I feel like he doesn't truly love me
And I feel like he loves her
I feel like I shouldn't be worried
And I feel like there is nothing to fear at all
For the feelies they truly are here
Evident within the light in his eyes and hers his is theirs
I am here and he is mine

She is there and I am here and who she is
Isn't she a thing? you aren't aware?
Dear how clever you appear to be
The sound resonating between your ears
How could you beg to differ that the truth isn't really the reality you have always feared?

I felt like writing a letter to myself
One of love and joy
A letter to remind myself of all the things I am worth
To reiterate the fabric of my being
To examine my thoughts
And to accept them for what they are
To hug myself
Inside and out
To look in the mirror and smile
To be okay with the faults in my mind
And to reach out for help to better them

As I sit here, and listen to their words
spewing out of their mouths
the words that I laugh at
the things It appears that I just brush off

the thoughts inside swirl
rage
inflict their pain upon the flesh they hold most dearly to themselves
inflict their confusion upon thyself instead on the one who has brought these memories up yet again

as they pour out,
the next day arrives all to quickly,
the fear I cover up embeds itself underneath my skin, to sizzle,
and waits for the boiling point to arrive,

the speakers seem to be silent today
maybe this smile inscribed on my face isn't large enough,
maybe the reaction wasn't as genuine as they had hoped for,

I laugh at his ignorance,
at my want for someone near to notice,
someone near to be more than someone I lie to with my entire being,
I laugh at my own capabilities,
embarrassed of my naïve ambitions, to think, to want, to hope for,
their eyes to open someday

oh how good I am, at making this pain, seem so miniscule,
so invisible, to their glazed over eyes,
I laugh how I care so much
and it tears me apart, how their approval, means something to me
it sends a ripple of burning acid down my throat
an imaginary knife slicing me apart, while I'm no where's near numb, I feel every slash
and then I realize this is what I'm here for.

so there's this girl,
with a huge grin on her face,
walking down the devils corridor,
her eyes gleam,
with shade of green you've never seen before,

so there's this girl sitting on her bed,
with tears spilling over one other,
and wrists ridden with blood,
her weak hands trembling form the searing pain of her reality,
her eyes they hold your gaze,
the gaze you can't seem to pull away from,

and as you stare,
you still have yet to figure it out,
you still have yet to finally SEE
even right here in this moment that will live on forever through eternity,
this moment that will mean absolutely nothing to everyone and everything else
in this world,
you still do not see.
you still do not comprehend.

so there's this girl walking through the doorway, leading to her inevitable blood bath, her inevitable jump,
with her head held high,
and laughter ringing throughout all their ears,
and generic confidence oozing out of every vein leading them to believe that she truly is confident.
words of wisdom flowing from her mouth leading them to believe that she herself actually uses her own advice,
leading them all to believe that she is strong.

The flicker in her eyes, the slight crack,
finally taking a home run for her heart,
is what they believed her to be brushing something off.
Her retaliation and rude finger gestures make them believe that she HONESTLY does not give one ******* **** as to what they think,
her quieted yells and invisible blows to their sensitive ego's,
convinces everyone that she is bold
she is strong
she is confident
that when she goes home
she does not think about their words
that when she goes home it is a Norman Rockwell scene everyday
that her smile does not leave her face,
that it is imbedded into her entire essence.

so there's this girl walking through her front door,
ready to drop,
ready to fall,
to finally breathe,
yet she cannot.
as their words replay through her head
over
and
over
and
over
and
over
and
over
and
over
and
over
again
she cannot take it.
the slits in her flesh
they are not enough
anymore
well I suppose they never really were

so there's this girl walking up to a mountain

so there's this girl calling the one her heart and happiness lies with,
the one she met through an accident,
the one who's touch she never felt,
the one who's oh so much older,
the one who made her smile through tears,
the one who CARED,
saying that she loves him and is sorry.

so there's this girl throwing her phone away
down to the ground where her body will soon lie

so there's this girl running
off
the edge
and free falling
throughout the
                                                           A
                                                                       I
                                                                                   R
until her fragile body slams against the bottom,
and her last breathe is exhaled,
and her head is finally awoken.

as she sits up in bed,
she realizes that this is what our world has become.
that this is how so many people live their life.
no, this is not living
this is taking one step in front of the other
this is one huge big lie
that never ends
this is not what it should be
yet
it
is
for
all
to
many
so here I end saying
WAKE UP.

with every smile you do not relize what it takes out of me,
                                                       with every wod something is taken away without my concent,
with every waking up in the morning you do not relize the war it induces throughout my thriving viens, throughout my skull,
                                                         with every word you say, every word i hear from you, i crumble to pieces, yet to the eye, im perfectly fine,
                                                      with every "Are you ok?"
i crumble.
                                                          yYou do not relize how much i have screamed for you,
that now my throat is raw,
                                                      that now i cannot function as i use to or could i simply never function.


Was it all just one big delusion?

Through one eye I see you
You're head is held high and eyes flashing with that dead glazed look
Through one eye I see your scars beneath your clothes and the dried tears upon your checks
And through one eye I see your regrets and the strength you have earned from them
The little girl watching believes you are a role model one to be followed, she plays the sports I play, she's on honor role, she's in all these clubs....
The class thinks she's joke in all the AP classes studying and still not being as good as they....
The mother looks and she sees her daughter growing into a young lady, finally blossoming intellectually, physically, and emotionally....
The father watches as his little girl fades away and a stranger is replaced one who will break his heart but mend it back together....
Brother notices her strange odd behaviors he is not around as much anymore, he realizes that the bond is fading....
I look at my reflection and see a 17 year old girl, trying her hardest to achieve in life and make a difference. I see a young women who is terrified of the real world but ready to take it head on. I see a women who knows what she wants, and what she deserves. I see a girl who has broken and cried so many times inside yet never breaks free. I see a million things, and still, not one of them, is good enough,
for Me.

Shall I close my eyes tonight
The flowers enter mourning
I dreamt of tears flying from birds
And goats fleeing the pen

As I close my eyes tonight
I seek out the nightmares
Fright does not blind the eyes of forbidden anguish

As I close my eyes tonight i
Am you
And you are infinite in the reflection of every pond ocean lake mirror
For as my eyes close the reality is found
And the sun steps out from behind the cloud

sometimes i trace over my scars with my eyes and my hands
the memories proclaim their ownership over i
i remember that i am the master who conquered and vanquished those demons
                   failing at an exponentially alternative universal rate i fall
the abyss swallows me up
the sunshine glitters over us
                                                                                            i glance up and see
                                                            i see him and i see what he sees in me
                                        and i remember
i am the master
                                       that vanquished
                                                                                            and conquered
her *demons.