I heard a song that reminded me of you
It brought waves of memories of all we've been through
I was flooded by the pain of not having you near
I thought of you on your deathbed and it fed into my fear
I was swallowed with regret
Of the words I've never said
I was burdened by the grief
Of the reasons I had to leave
I mean it seems I was only an obligation
A friend only in my own imagination
Not a daughter to love
A girl with out a father except the One Above
That to you I was a burden too hard to carry
So you dumped me in the world alone because my trauma was too scary
How am I supposed to forgive and forget
When you still turn your back and your mind is set
To excuse the abuse you watched people inflict
On me and my children to avoid conflict
Well you chose who you chose
And everyone knows
You'd turn your back on the one who loves you most in exchange for my foes
So I won't call because you don't want to be reminded of your flaws
So regret doesn't shake you around in its jaws
I'll just let it be what it is and walk away
Though it haunts me that I will lose you one day
But really I've already lost you before
When you stopped saying I love you and my heart was torn
When you and the others stripped away my life
You sided with my brothers to cause me strife
I should have had enough then
Ill say it now i wont let you hurt me again
I should have told you when my heart got broken
But it was too hard to let the truth be spoken

Bitterness swirls with each sip from my cup
I get knocked down when I try to get back up
I try and I try and I try to let go
The more that I try - the more I sink low
I could drop off the face of the earth
Before I'd ever truly see my own worth
My cup never empties but its poison I drink
Hoping my enemy dies while I'm on the brink
Of madness and vengeance, pain and fear
Remembrance of losing all I hold dear
This burden is heavy the night is so long
I can't get up in the morning knowing you're gone
I'm suffocating beneath the weight
Of everything life has piled on my plate
I'm wounded gravely and terribly lost
You look in my eyes do you see what life costs?
I'm tangled in history I can never forget
I'm hopeless and lonely - and yet
I have moments of joy and peace
They wash through my soul - give me a new lease
I pray every day that you never feel my pain
I pray every day your faith is maintained
I know He guides me - even when I break down
My Lord lifts me from waters so I don't drown
Morning is coming - swift with the dawn
I pray it brings you peace while your gone
I am filled with anger and regret by the ton
Yet at the end of my life God might say "well done"
I'll fight every day to see my own worth
Until God takes me home far from this earth
I may never find rest while I'm here
I'll try to let go of my anger and fear
I know in Christ alone my hope is carried above me
So I'll try to be content with a savior who loves me

I'm a broken spoken word poet
Who's hurt but doesn't show it
The current of despair pulls me below it
I'm stronger than this and I know it

My words fall short I grow quiet
Though in my mind there's a riot
Ill hang my heart out to dry it
From the tears I supply it

I have to fight through or die trying
I say I'm fine but they know I'm lying
Because the pain that I've been denying
Keeps me alone and silent while I'm crying

So I'll just keep on writing
Ill never give up fighting
The sorrow that keeps on biting
The darkness that feels so inviting

I just wish someone had told me
That my demons can't console me
That I didn't have to let them enfold me
I'm renewed and they all will behold me

The lies that my mind has sold me
Can no longer control me
These demons can not hold me
Because I'm casting off the old me


I'm turning away from a tortured past
I'm through holding dreams not meant to last
I'm done feeling drowned and downcast
I have my new lease on life and I'm holding fast

I am climbing up from the end of my rope
I found faith when I ran out of hope
I hit rock bottom sliding down a *****
I prayed when I had no other way to cope

Doing this I found wisdom and understanding
With knowledge of peace expanding
But letting go seems so demanding
As does the pain I'm withstanding

I am bleeding out from old wounds nobody sees
No comfort ever brings comfort to me
My broken mind and shattered heart
Have tried my whole life to tear me apart
feeling lost and lonely and scared
because none of my family ever cared
I was their burden - I was their shame
I was the one whom they couldn't speak the name
So they turned their backs to forget what they've done
They took the meaning from my life and thought that they won
As long as I am breathing I am living proof that they lost
As long as I keep going forward no matter the cost
I will let go and banish the demons they gave me
And let Christs' healing be what will save me
So I am not lost, though they led me astray
The blind leading blind - Well God gave me my sight today
So I could see clearly the webs of deceit
That bound my heart mind, hands and my feet
I can see through their whispered millions of lies
the part of me that perpetuates them - well today that part dies
I need to limit the voices circling in my mind
to shut out the hurtful - only hear what is kind
I need to hand over control to God - Who made me
I need to render spirit from flesh to set myself free
I will crucify the part of me that wants me dead
I will rise from those ashes and walk where angels have tread
I was created to be more than the sum of my trauma -The sum of the worlds endless lies  
When I come up on top - they will all be surprised
Healing takes time so I will take it slow
and soon I know the progress will show.

The realm of reality slips from the grasp
in the small hours of morning,
when the chill doth last.

When traveling through the night
by the waters raging,
you wish to see a light

There is always one to be found,
if you look sky ward
as you are oft bound

Walk, do not run, to the guiding force
that tugs at your heart
and through your blood, does course

Given to you from birth, a passage rite
belief handed down through generation
brings the clearer sight

Everything we were, and who we are
are an amalgamation
of our victories and scars.

I'll give my love to beauty
No matter what the cost
I will give my heart to peace
No difference what I've lost

I'll give my mind to clarity
And to my soul - sincerity

I'll reach out for kindness
I'll taste its sweet surrender
I'll give in to my dreams
I'll be truth's defender

With every fiber of my being
I will seek and find my joy
No matter what bridges burn
Or what my pursuit would destroy

I'm tired of always being tired
I'm weary from all that's transpired
Im sick of searching for a home
That my heart has never known

I'm done being so downcast
I'm through with my unforgiving past
Its all quickly fading into history
I'm looking forward into victory

You make the words flow from me like a river from my heart,
but you can stop the rush,
and leave me breathless with just a touch. Just thinking about your hand in mine,
sends shivers up and down my spine,
I think of all the times with my lips pressed to yours,
it seems as though something inside me cries piously for more.
I close my eyes at night, and its your face that I see,
Your smile, your eyes, these memories set me free.
though we are nigh 1000 miles apart,
I carry within my chest, the visage of your heart.
With the protective shadow of your loving embrace,
I know there is nothing that I could not face.
One day I know, I will wake up to your smile...
everything I go through now, will be worth it, in a little while.
So I will hold my breath, until again we meet,
so you can steal it away as you sweep me off my feet

This is worse than all that I've faced
Fear cut deep as the broken heart raced
Anger resentment pain all were placed
Into the mind that God had graced
Faith was strong - peace and War interlaced

The war of the living
The Peace of the Dead
Carrying every misgiving
Life Hanging On by a thread
The heart dark and unforgiving
Steeped in its dread
The eyes with reliving
This is like breathing death she said

Die to me - all of my past
All tears I've cried like oceans vast
Let go of the Soul so downcast
Remember, remember to faith - hold fast
This restores the peace you seek - at last

You came through my line today,
Your war torn face creased with the experience from the life you have lived,
with the sacrifices that you have given freely.
The freedoms you sacrificed for me to be free.

It was obvious in the pride in your stature if I asked if you needed help,
"No, I can do this" you said in a frustrated tone.
Others might have gotten sassy back, but I saw the meaning.
When your back straightened I saw the feeling.
When I turned and looked at the screen, that showed you on the camera,
I saw your shoulders slump, as if to say, I do need help, but I don't want it.

Your once strong hands fumbled with the card machine.
I turned and asked, "Sir, Have you ever been in the military?"
Your face tightened, but your back straightened again, your chest puffed out,
"Yes, as a matter o' fact I served in two wars." Your voice crackled with pride.

I warmly said thank you for your service, and you asked me if I ever served. I said, No I am a mother of three.
You said, "You serve your country every day, that is if you are raising them right, with the Lord."
"Yes, sir, I do my best" I reply with a shy turn of face.

What you did next shocked me. You clicked your heels and saluted me.
a tear ran down your face. I don't know what I did that struck the cord, but I did.

A tear fell from my eye as well, we shared a moment.

I told you politely that we offer a ten percent discount to veterans, and you smiled wide.
I helped with your card. Then a man helped you put the things in your car.

Humility, and Pride
Joy and Sorrow,
None should you hide
They make a better tomorrow
They all lead you right,
if in equal parts
They help you know when to fight
and when to use your heart.

How was I supposed to grow
When you watered me with fear and doubt
How was I supposed to know
What you could never figure out
How were you supposed to teach me
What you could never learn
How to truly love and feel empathy
Instead of letting the anger burn

Now I water the garden of my heart with tears
and I can never seem to figure out
why my mind is consumed while it feasts on fears
Or what I am going so crazy about

I miss you
I miss you
I miss you so bad

Your voice fades like a photograph

I'm afraid
I'm afraid
I'm afraid to let go

It's for the best as we both know

You're strong
You're strong
You're stronger than me

You have the power to set yourself free

I turn to you in my joy,
and say, I love you.
The excitement seeps from my pores
as I almost fly to your side
up the aisle.

Our children dressed to the nines
and our families smiling.
My stomach twisting in knots

What is that feeling? Angry butterflies...
They are excited and so very scared.

I am ready to take your hand
and you are already packed for Basic Training.
You are going to 'seek your fortune' to provide for us
Twisting through the endless spiral cases in my mind
a song drifts up from the depths of my memory
a Cadence that we once sang as we cleaned the house.
I picture you running and running, and working for us
in this heated despair I cry.. They see it as tears of joy.
How relieved am I that they can not see,
that you can not see
the ringing of bells an cadences inside of me.

I've become a shadow
Of who I want to be
I've become nothing more
Than a forgotten memory

Fading to the darkness
Once again I fall
Once again I'm flooded
Drowning in how I lost it all

Anxiety clutches my heart
Making it impossible to breathe
Making it impossible to think
Shutting me up - alone to seeth

The fear tapes up my mouth
When I want to scream I'm feeling helpless
The guilty words stream in my mind
Was my sacrifice really selfless

One sure thing in this life is true,
Everything changes, and so do you.
The course of time will take it toll,
make you weak, or make you whole.
You choose and decide that fate,
with what you sit, and contimplate,
I myself don't have all the answers,
I just learn from my fellow advancers.
I look at everything as a learning opportunity,
good or bad it joins in unity,
Into all the knowledge I've gathered and who I've become,
based off what rules me and what I've overcome.

everyday is different
Everything is new
Everything is wonderful
when I am with you

I feel loved

I wish that they could see it
I wish that they all knew
I wish they could see what I see
when I look at you

I see your love

I can see it in your eyes
I can feel it when you hold my hand
I can hear it in your voice
That you truly understand

I hear your love

I know that you love me
Beyond a shadow of a doubt
all my fears have been washed away
now I know that's what love is about

love is patient Love is kind
Your love is the only comfort I find

I feel your love

Loves about that first everlasting moment
and everything that comes after
about sacrifice and exchange
It's about joy, sorrow, tears and laughter

true love holds out forever
throughout every task, trial and endeavor

it's about being a witness to their life
And about being your best
So you are the best for them
And wanting to give them nothing less

love is patient love is kind
you cannot break loves ties that bind

You're my only love

I've been far better
But I've been worse
It seems to me
That is my curse
One step forward
And three steps back
I never can seem
To make up for what I lack
I'm always behind
Or missing something
But I'm always blessed
Never left with nothing
I feel broken down
And yet uplifted
I feel completely stuck
But like something has shifted
I feel thankful
I feel my pain
I guess I'm okay
Despite the rain
At least I'm breathing
I'm still above ground
At least I have something
I'm not hellbound
Though this pain can feel like hell
I think in spite of it, I'm doing well.

Thanks for asking
It shows you care
Don't feel bad for me
Please just send your prayer

What did I think you were?
An angel in disguise?
What did you think I was?
A kid hiding behind her lies?

You took me in
under your wing
did you really know?
Did you know everything?

I was a child lost in the store,
You were the parent, sick with worry
You found me
With love, fear and fury

I love the friend I found in you
I love the person I am now
Because you had the faith
I know we will all make it somehow

Brother, You've been there
In my darkest hour,
You were the darkened hand on my shoulder
Behind the scenes, the cloaked power

You kept me uplifted
You kept me on track
I owe you my life
You've always had my back.

I was scared, I was hurt
I didn't understand the things you said
I didn't understand the anger you had
I had no idea how your heart bled

How long does this pain last
As long as I carry it I suppose
If I keep trudging through my past
That I keep locked up so no one knows -
That I feel like a burden
with nothing much to offer
A broken heart and mind
With empty coffers

My children are why I live
their absence is why I am lonely
They are my reason to forgive
They are my reason only

What brought me my joy
Now brings me so much pain
the absence of their laughter
Drowns me in silent rain

I lock it all away
so that no one can see
But my eyes always betray
The fact that I can't be happy

My daughter is five years old, she is constantly asking the question "why?" I pray to God above me that she never has to use that word in the context that rolled through my mind when I was a young girl who developed early, who didn't understand when men looked me up and down and whistled and yelled catcalls, those men that didn't see my childs face on an adult body. Those people who judged me, because I had a child as a young teenager. Those people who judged without knowing the pain and anguish, and how if not for that little girl in the stroller I would not be alive to speak now. That she was my silver lining on the darkest cloud of my life.
People don't realize that the smallest things they say can tear like razor wire sinking deep into the heart of the young child that was hurt by those monsters lurking in the darkness. That child that was so beautiful that those sick creatures wanted to see the sting and light of fear pour out of her eyes and mouth like the wails of a crying baby. That young girl forever seeing monsters in everyone, every man that looks her in the eye, or touches her or smiles in her direction she fears him, she fears that demon that still grasps her throat when the thoughts and the nightmares come. Those nightmares of the helpless silence that she was reduced to, to the anguish of being alone. She never faces those demons... She looks away in fear and pain and lowers her eyes and let the drooling monsters stare, because she is terrified to open her eyes, to see that demon again. She cuts her skin to make that body that was so lovely that it could not be resisted even when the no that she screamed could not be heard through the smothering hand that covered her face. That little girl hides in the dark..feeling broken...
Until that one man comes into her life. Who could care less about her "assets" and cares for that heart that has so many scars that you can't tell the difference between the stitches. That man, that aches to tell her that she is beautiful, that she is not broken. That all he wants to do is help her through the nightmare that has become her life and memories, To hold her when those nightmares overwhelm her reality. So that she can look into the eyes of that beautiful baby girl and tell her that she too is beautiful. He wants to hold them both from the pain and the anguish... to hear the mothers voice and help her cope with the pain so that the little girl, that came too early in her life would not feel the sting of resentment and the pain that she went through.
How do you tell that baby girl that monsters are real, but not under her bed, they hide in the faces of people, some that she should be able to trust. A Cousin, A Neighbor or family friend, those people that she should be able to trust. That if they say don't tell you better know that is what you are supposed to do, to fight, and scream... And the fear that if you tell her all that, that she will live her life in the same fear that you live.. but if you don't tell her that she will feel the sting of being broken and being torn and having those nightmares become reality...
How do you tell that little child that she is so beautiful... that people want to hurt her.... I wish someone had told me... That I had a voice that could speak out and let it be known.
I found my voice when I was 14 and carrying that beautiful silver lining that is my daughter.
I let it be known, and because of the sacrifice of being publicly humiliated in front of judge and jury, repeating over and over the atrocities that he shoved upon me and my already broken mind... the pain that he inflicted...
Because of my testimony.. That monster could never touch that beautiful daughter of his ever again. Her brothers would never take that beating from daddy while he is drunk or high. He will rot in that prison and he will feel the sting of justice as the pain he inflicted is returned ten fold, and he will feel the pieces of him being ripped out and ripped apart just as he did to those little girls.
The little girl that lifted her chin and spoke out with the help of God and for her unborn daughter that she carried in her young body... They didn't see the youth of her face the monsters only saw her body... I look back at the little girl so torn and broken, and now. I can hug that child that I used to be, and stand hand in hand with my children and face the future, and stand among the children that God has given me, and tell them that they are beautiful...They are so beautiful... And keep a watchful eye in those shadows, trying not to show them the fear that overcomes my heart every time someone speaks to them.
Reminding that precious child that stranger danger is an important lesson, and seeing her friendly face and her want to love the world the same way that I had when I was young before that was used and torn apart... Seeing her run up and hug that teacher that she barely knows, just for the sake of a hug, and feeling that fear crawl up my throat like darkness seeping through the night... seeing myself as a child hugging those people the wrong people... and praying to God that the people in her life are real people and not the monsters of my nightmares that haunt my thoughts day and night...Hoping and praying that she never has to know that fear of silence that fear and self hatred.. never have to ask the question of "Why?" Never having to feel like she is alone and that she can't speak the forbidden words in fear that they will say that she is lying, that she has done wrong, because she feels *****, and fears that the world will see her as *****, ugly, broken.. That she never has to feel that seeping numbness, that want to feel again instead of being the hollow shell of darkness that the monsters have created out of such a loving beautiful child...
I pray...That she never has to ask " God, Why?"

Why should I let my past control me
Why should I fear every day of my life
Why should I let that dictate who I am to be
Why should I continue to shoulder the strife

Why is it so hard to lay it down
Why is it so hard to cast my cares away
Why is it so hard to not let myself drown
Why is it so hard to get out of bed today

Why let myself feel like a burden
Why let myself feel like I am broken
Why let myself feel so shut in
why let myself feel like I can't be outspoken

Plucked from my roots
I whither
Crushed underfoot,
After being stolen
-for beauty's sake
Made worthless, garbage
For a moment of careless want.

That is not the end
just the start
the beauty in pain can be found
regain the strength
and let love abound

I'm so drained and tired
I feel strained and uninspired
I feel empty darkness flooding in
Taking me back to where my pain begins

As I'm walking through the wreckage
Of my torn and tattered dreams
My life burning with the bridges
That were built up by their schemes

They held my joy hostage from me
Then told me I am not enough
I became my own worst enemy  
Because believing them was rough

They severed all my strength and security
Like the mighty Sampson with his hair
I am ****** by inferiority
And it's getting harder and harder to care

My heart had been broken and scattered throughout
But it always pulled itself together
Now it's completely hollowed out
And it feels like it will last forever.

People tell me this is for the best
But do they know that for sure
Pain has stolen all my rest
I don't know how long I can endure...

Everything you do is like a song
Written by the beat of your heart
When you're near I feel like I belong
I can almost hear the music start

The rhythm in the way you speak
Your grace built in your fortitude
Drives me to no longer feel weak
Your presence of mind, ends my solitude

I have never had love like this before
I never connected on a level this deep
You make me forget all I had to endure
Your loyalty comforts me when I weep

You are the treasure
That the hero wishes to find
at the end of the adventure
You are the most precious kind

That person that you can turn to
Who will never turn their back
Someone who is always true
and will be there when you feel under attack

You have all of my admiration
For fearlessly being who you are
You have all my adoration
For helping me get so far

You have all of my dedication
You have my heart from now until forever
My love grows with every conversation
This tie between us will not be severed

I want to be for you -
what you have been for me
To always be true
To help to set you free

You already have your freedom
As you've made every sacrifice
You know who you've become
So I will lean on your advice

You are a lover and a friend
My husband in my mind
With a love that knows no end
That people can seldom find

You've held me through the dark nights
When I didn't think I'd see the dawn
You showed me how to win these mental fights
When I think my strength is gone

You are my light when my eyes fail
You lead me back to where I need to be
You are my billowing sail
When I feel lost at sea

this love that you give me, unconditionally so,
is what makes you so amazing, it's sad that you don't know.
So I will tell you every day, until this voice of mine cracks,
that everything you are fixes everything I lack.
We are equals on this playing field, within this game of life.
I want to lift you higher, and take away your strife.
Together we will walk, forever hand in hand,
and laugh at the world because they couldn't understand.
They have never loved, near as deep as we,
and I pray one day I hope to show all that you mean to me.

I wouldn't wish for you to understand
The pain within my heart
That would mean you'd have to experience it
And let it tear you apart

That was mean your mind is your enemy
Just like mine is for me
That you have to fight every day
The feeling of never feeling free

It would mean life let you down
That you felt like you'd drown
In a vast sea of sorrow and pain
That no one could see
The misery
That buried you deep in the ground

It would mean you'd know what betrayal felt like with clarity
From those that you should be able to trust
You'd know well abject terror and loneliness in all its severity
The smell of fear distinct and robust

You'd fear anyone who calls you friend
But befriend the monsters in your mind
You'd be too scared to let it show - to let the facade end
Until your fears made you bitter or blind

No please don't say that you wish to understand
Because you don't know what that entails
Thank you for reaching out - offering your hand
I'll kindly refuse to show you through my travails

You'd thank me if you knew what I don't share
The details of the peril I've had to fight
Or maybe you wouldn't care
That's the fear that keeps me silent tonight